5016: The way of the Forgotten - Diana Rose Potter
The first bi-annual Pottersues contest is now up. Yes, I’ve decided to change things up due to the low turn out for the last annual Pottersues contest. (Nobody entered.) I don’t know if this will help or not. Use today’s entry for ideas on what not to do unless you’re creating a Sue. I forgot yesterday to thank darth_gojira for the HINO (Harry in Name Only) tag and one of the anonymous minions for the Treasure Chest tag for when writers describe the chest size or other things with things such as cup size.
Title: The way of the Forgotten
Perpetrator: Chaos65
Sue-O-Meter: Toxic
Cover/Banner Art: I didn't pay attention to this.
Summary: “AU. Two beings long forgotten by the world finally get their chance to come back and show the world that they never left. Their heir and successor will make their name feared again. Fem!Harry, Gamer!fic but done differently, Crossover with PJO, elements form anime, DMC. Rated M for safety. Grammar gets better later on, will edit earlier chapters. For update info check my profile.”
Full Name: Diana Rose Potter and Daniel Charlus Potter
Species: We’re supposed to believe this is a female version of Harry despite the fact Daniel Charlus Potter is still Harry but by another name. I’m stuck deciding whether this is Harry or Harry’s twin. That was until we got to the scars.
Hair: Both children have black hair. Said hair is “long black as night hair that reached her middle back” at age three.
Eyes: Both children have green eyes. “Thirdly, Dark Lord's body got destroyed and only a shade of his soul remained before fleeing. And the last and the most important thing happened in a dimension of souls where two sleeping souls awoke before heading to the one person that could let them come back to the living world even if they won't be the same and their personalities will vanish, the most important thing for them is to leave an heir, someone who will continue their path and make their name feared again. With that they left leaving only a trial of deep violet and pitch black darkness. After getting to the child's house both beings went into the girl's soul and started merging with it and thus healing it. As a final result Diana's soul became one once more and changed its colour to black with violet specks but the change was not only to her soul, her once black hair became even blacker and if one could see her eyes they would get lost in her new deep violet eyes.” Apparently she also has Voldemort’s snake eyes at time because the writer thinks this cool.
Markings: Oh boy. “First was a small explosion of magic which caused some of debris to create a bleeding injury on both children only that Diana’s magic healed it fast without leaving a sign and Daniel’s magic also tried to heal hiss but only managed to stop the bleeding and create a scar that looked like V and the scar won’t ever heal.” Look, changing the scar to the V doesn’t change the fact Daniel is Harry and that Diana is a Parasite Sue riding on Harry’s tail coats. At three, we need to know she’s 3’1” tall. Also, “her face of an angel that gave her much cuteness, a small nose, soft pink lips and that most edearing part were her eyes that deep violet eyes that gave a slight glow.”
Possessions: The Sue stole the prophesy from Harry who is now called Daniel. (Sorry, but the Stuthor in this case made the mistake of giving what was supposed to be their female Harry a twin brother, but they tried justifying the change by changing “he” to “them” in the story.) The Dark Lord apparently has a manor. Daniel gets to grow up at Potter Manor! So does the Black family. She has the comics for the Bleach series which didn’t come out until 2001 and she’s only three and in an orphanage.
Connection to Canon: The first chapter involves a flashback we did not need as it just repeats canon of Dumbledore hearing the prophesy. This is because he is using the pensive. We jump to a few months later where Lilly is yelling in all caps at James Potter, but we’ve the stereotypical women giving birth threatens to kill the man they love if they touch them sexually ever again while crushing his hand painfully. She also laughs at Sirius for laughing at this situation. I can’t blame him given how cliché the situation is. She gives birth to not one, but two children. Dumbledore shows up saying they need to talk to him in three days. Lucius is of course not able to find them until a year later because he’s found a clue regarding the Potters. (So Wormtail held onto this information for over a year?) James father ended up dying around this time as well. More importantly, Lily is alive completely ruining why Harry ended up surviving the Killing Curse, but James is alive as well because grandpa is a good enough sacrifice. (That’s it. I’m introducing a new Potters Lived tag which will be used for when the Potters live, but for other characters who live despite the fact they shouldn’t have.) The writer wants us to believe Daniel is the ”wrong-boy-who-lived” in this. In this particular case, Diane ends up going to live with the Dursley family. (I think the writer managed to actually top the “wrong-boy-who-lived” in the adults not having any common sense. Petunia doesn’t want her and dumps her at an orphanage. (You know, the orphanages I’ve said over and over don’t exist anymore in the UK at this time period.) She gets verbally bullied by another boy at the orphanage and goes and draws comics. She enters a random dreamscape and pretty much goes in and out of it until the trip to the zoo. The snake calls her nobel blood. (She’s around four.) She starts training with her magic because the dreamscape makes her aware of her magic. We’re supposed to think of her magic as like unlocking chakra control in Naruto. She ends up getting adopted at the age between four and six because a couple actually wanted her. That’s when the Gamer part starts up. And then, we get a whole chapter of her living her life as a game where she can’t learn certain things until her tenth birthday and the story no longer has ANYTING to do with Harry Potter or Percy Jackson and the Olympians it seems. (Yes, this was supposed to be a crossover, but simply bringing in mythology DOES NOT COUNT. Anyways, I couldn’t get past the fifth chapter with how the gamer aspect got info dumped. Apparently the actual plot from the books gets added in much later, but good grief, the reader shouldn’t have to wait that long. The only reason we’re waiting that long is because the writer made the mistake of making the character OPed by the age of three.
Origin: The writer decided to try and to the Gamer Fic better than those who have come before. (That’s actually the challenge for the contest.) That said, I actually find it rather cool that this supposed female Harry is written by a male and not a female. Most are written by females. I also love the fact they say on their profile that, “I won’t go and say that I am a good writer because that would be a lie. Now I like to think that everyone need to start somewhere so why don’t try to write a fanfic and see if people like it.” I give this Stuthor a major thumbs up on the positive attitude and lack of ego. No, the praise for having a lack of ego doesn’t come from them being male, but the fact yesterday I looked through our wank which was massively caused by female writers and their fans.
Special Abilities: Apparently we could have had even more possibilities for the prophesy given the fact the prophesy was made before their birth and not after. This is problematic given the fact this plays into Snape’s ultimate decision of turning on Voldemort - he knew Lily would be drawn into things. Added to this, why not just hide the birth records or fudge them so Voldemort can’t find out? The writer decided to change up how Horucrux’s work. “Secund, a part of Voldemort's soul went into the bleeding wound before it healed and shattered Diana's soul into pieces so it could steadily take control of her.” (Nope.) She ends up being a very graceful three year old.
Notes: Can one really say their story is done differently than the others which have come before when none of these stories have really come before? This writer only has two stories under their belt but has been on the pit for just over a year. (They joined in May of last year.) There are four of these stories under their profile, but what is this gamer-fic?
Looking at the Naruto fic Ninja Gamer by DragonKnightRyu it seems the character dies and gets put into a game. While the concept is interesting, I found the story majorly lacking.
- The writer tells the reader what is happening rather than showing what happens. I am so tempted to take a red marker to the story and cross out the messages which pop up in black and either write out that the character is actively seeing a message popped up and then reading it, noticing the heath bars increase rather than us being told this occurred.
- The character knows to much regarding game play and thus isn’t allowed to make mistakes. I think this comes from the fact younger gamers are used to walkthroughs for any game being at their finger tips and being able to effectively control how they progress and level up to their liking. That honestly ruins part of the fun regarding this type of story.
- The character gets perks way to quickly and this is handwaved. For example, in this one the Ninja Gamer max out their reputation with someone almost instantly even though in a REAL GAME this would take quite a few hours of grinding as well as quite a few hours of doing other things.
In other words I think the genre - which could be well written by the way - is being used to excuse creating a Gary Stu. This said, this one is different in that it doesn’t jump into the gaming right away. However, I’m rather glad I didn’t post the Pottersues contest yet. The last time I posted one was back in 2016 and that ended up having no entries that time around which left me wondering how I could make the contest more interesting.
That said, I found Ninja Gamer a lot better than the story featured today because it at least kept the connection with the actual canon material and wasn’t random RPing. The character wasn’t anywhere near as OPed as this one either.
Sample:
Clearing in the forest some time after the battle
You have slept on soft grass, HP and MP have been restored to 50% each. All ailments and negative status effects have been cured.
Diana slowly ast straight ignoring the floating box before her. "Really things like that shouldn't surprise me anymore," she looked around looking for her new daggers but couldn't find them but her attention caught the two black and violet bracelets on her hands, "huh, weird," Finally looking at the box before her she sighed, nothing can be normal in her life...
Waving her hand through the box she was positively surprised that it went away, only for another one to pop out, "damn" she said in exasperation.
Deciding to give it a try she read.
Quest Succes!
Defeat your first demon!
Rewards:
-300 EXP
-50 $
-Daggers of Night and Darkness
- + 1 DEX, +1 INT
You leveled you!
Would you like to start tutorial?
YES/NO
"Daggers of night and darkness hmm?" she looked one more time at the box and clicked yes,"who am I to refuse them."
Welcome Player to your new life, thanks to us you are now able to play you life like a game.
Because we don't want this to to too easy we will give you only the most important informations.
Title: The way of the Forgotten
Perpetrator: Chaos65
Sue-O-Meter: Toxic
Cover/Banner Art: I didn't pay attention to this.
Summary: “AU. Two beings long forgotten by the world finally get their chance to come back and show the world that they never left. Their heir and successor will make their name feared again. Fem!Harry, Gamer!fic but done differently, Crossover with PJO, elements form anime, DMC. Rated M for safety. Grammar gets better later on, will edit earlier chapters. For update info check my profile.”
Full Name: Diana Rose Potter and Daniel Charlus Potter
Species: We’re supposed to believe this is a female version of Harry despite the fact Daniel Charlus Potter is still Harry but by another name. I’m stuck deciding whether this is Harry or Harry’s twin. That was until we got to the scars.
Hair: Both children have black hair. Said hair is “long black as night hair that reached her middle back” at age three.
Eyes: Both children have green eyes. “Thirdly, Dark Lord's body got destroyed and only a shade of his soul remained before fleeing. And the last and the most important thing happened in a dimension of souls where two sleeping souls awoke before heading to the one person that could let them come back to the living world even if they won't be the same and their personalities will vanish, the most important thing for them is to leave an heir, someone who will continue their path and make their name feared again. With that they left leaving only a trial of deep violet and pitch black darkness. After getting to the child's house both beings went into the girl's soul and started merging with it and thus healing it. As a final result Diana's soul became one once more and changed its colour to black with violet specks but the change was not only to her soul, her once black hair became even blacker and if one could see her eyes they would get lost in her new deep violet eyes.” Apparently she also has Voldemort’s snake eyes at time because the writer thinks this cool.
Markings: Oh boy. “First was a small explosion of magic which caused some of debris to create a bleeding injury on both children only that Diana’s magic healed it fast without leaving a sign and Daniel’s magic also tried to heal hiss but only managed to stop the bleeding and create a scar that looked like V and the scar won’t ever heal.” Look, changing the scar to the V doesn’t change the fact Daniel is Harry and that Diana is a Parasite Sue riding on Harry’s tail coats. At three, we need to know she’s 3’1” tall. Also, “her face of an angel that gave her much cuteness, a small nose, soft pink lips and that most edearing part were her eyes that deep violet eyes that gave a slight glow.”
Possessions: The Sue stole the prophesy from Harry who is now called Daniel. (Sorry, but the Stuthor in this case made the mistake of giving what was supposed to be their female Harry a twin brother, but they tried justifying the change by changing “he” to “them” in the story.) The Dark Lord apparently has a manor. Daniel gets to grow up at Potter Manor! So does the Black family. She has the comics for the Bleach series which didn’t come out until 2001 and she’s only three and in an orphanage.
Connection to Canon: The first chapter involves a flashback we did not need as it just repeats canon of Dumbledore hearing the prophesy. This is because he is using the pensive. We jump to a few months later where Lilly is yelling in all caps at James Potter, but we’ve the stereotypical women giving birth threatens to kill the man they love if they touch them sexually ever again while crushing his hand painfully. She also laughs at Sirius for laughing at this situation. I can’t blame him given how cliché the situation is. She gives birth to not one, but two children. Dumbledore shows up saying they need to talk to him in three days. Lucius is of course not able to find them until a year later because he’s found a clue regarding the Potters. (So Wormtail held onto this information for over a year?) James father ended up dying around this time as well. More importantly, Lily is alive completely ruining why Harry ended up surviving the Killing Curse, but James is alive as well because grandpa is a good enough sacrifice. (That’s it. I’m introducing a new Potters Lived tag which will be used for when the Potters live, but for other characters who live despite the fact they shouldn’t have.) The writer wants us to believe Daniel is the ”wrong-boy-who-lived” in this. In this particular case, Diane ends up going to live with the Dursley family. (I think the writer managed to actually top the “wrong-boy-who-lived” in the adults not having any common sense. Petunia doesn’t want her and dumps her at an orphanage. (You know, the orphanages I’ve said over and over don’t exist anymore in the UK at this time period.) She gets verbally bullied by another boy at the orphanage and goes and draws comics. She enters a random dreamscape and pretty much goes in and out of it until the trip to the zoo. The snake calls her nobel blood. (She’s around four.) She starts training with her magic because the dreamscape makes her aware of her magic. We’re supposed to think of her magic as like unlocking chakra control in Naruto. She ends up getting adopted at the age between four and six because a couple actually wanted her. That’s when the Gamer part starts up. And then, we get a whole chapter of her living her life as a game where she can’t learn certain things until her tenth birthday and the story no longer has ANYTING to do with Harry Potter or Percy Jackson and the Olympians it seems. (Yes, this was supposed to be a crossover, but simply bringing in mythology DOES NOT COUNT. Anyways, I couldn’t get past the fifth chapter with how the gamer aspect got info dumped. Apparently the actual plot from the books gets added in much later, but good grief, the reader shouldn’t have to wait that long. The only reason we’re waiting that long is because the writer made the mistake of making the character OPed by the age of three.
Origin: The writer decided to try and to the Gamer Fic better than those who have come before. (That’s actually the challenge for the contest.) That said, I actually find it rather cool that this supposed female Harry is written by a male and not a female. Most are written by females. I also love the fact they say on their profile that, “I won’t go and say that I am a good writer because that would be a lie. Now I like to think that everyone need to start somewhere so why don’t try to write a fanfic and see if people like it.” I give this Stuthor a major thumbs up on the positive attitude and lack of ego. No, the praise for having a lack of ego doesn’t come from them being male, but the fact yesterday I looked through our wank which was massively caused by female writers and their fans.
Special Abilities: Apparently we could have had even more possibilities for the prophesy given the fact the prophesy was made before their birth and not after. This is problematic given the fact this plays into Snape’s ultimate decision of turning on Voldemort - he knew Lily would be drawn into things. Added to this, why not just hide the birth records or fudge them so Voldemort can’t find out? The writer decided to change up how Horucrux’s work. “Secund, a part of Voldemort's soul went into the bleeding wound before it healed and shattered Diana's soul into pieces so it could steadily take control of her.” (Nope.) She ends up being a very graceful three year old.
Notes: Can one really say their story is done differently than the others which have come before when none of these stories have really come before? This writer only has two stories under their belt but has been on the pit for just over a year. (They joined in May of last year.) There are four of these stories under their profile, but what is this gamer-fic?
Looking at the Naruto fic Ninja Gamer by DragonKnightRyu it seems the character dies and gets put into a game. While the concept is interesting, I found the story majorly lacking.
- The writer tells the reader what is happening rather than showing what happens. I am so tempted to take a red marker to the story and cross out the messages which pop up in black and either write out that the character is actively seeing a message popped up and then reading it, noticing the heath bars increase rather than us being told this occurred.
- The character knows to much regarding game play and thus isn’t allowed to make mistakes. I think this comes from the fact younger gamers are used to walkthroughs for any game being at their finger tips and being able to effectively control how they progress and level up to their liking. That honestly ruins part of the fun regarding this type of story.
- The character gets perks way to quickly and this is handwaved. For example, in this one the Ninja Gamer max out their reputation with someone almost instantly even though in a REAL GAME this would take quite a few hours of grinding as well as quite a few hours of doing other things.
In other words I think the genre - which could be well written by the way - is being used to excuse creating a Gary Stu. This said, this one is different in that it doesn’t jump into the gaming right away. However, I’m rather glad I didn’t post the Pottersues contest yet. The last time I posted one was back in 2016 and that ended up having no entries that time around which left me wondering how I could make the contest more interesting.
That said, I found Ninja Gamer a lot better than the story featured today because it at least kept the connection with the actual canon material and wasn’t random RPing. The character wasn’t anywhere near as OPed as this one either.
Sample:
Clearing in the forest some time after the battle
You have slept on soft grass, HP and MP have been restored to 50% each. All ailments and negative status effects have been cured.
Diana slowly ast straight ignoring the floating box before her. "Really things like that shouldn't surprise me anymore," she looked around looking for her new daggers but couldn't find them but her attention caught the two black and violet bracelets on her hands, "huh, weird," Finally looking at the box before her she sighed, nothing can be normal in her life...
Waving her hand through the box she was positively surprised that it went away, only for another one to pop out, "damn" she said in exasperation.
Deciding to give it a try she read.
Quest Succes!
Defeat your first demon!
Rewards:
-300 EXP
-50 $
-Daggers of Night and Darkness
- + 1 DEX, +1 INT
You leveled you!
Would you like to start tutorial?
YES/NO
"Daggers of night and darkness hmm?" she looked one more time at the box and clicked yes,"who am I to refuse them."
Welcome Player to your new life, thanks to us you are now able to play you life like a game.
Because we don't want this to to too easy we will give you only the most important informations.