October 31st, 2006
I am trying, okay. I am. I even went to a party last night. I'm giving a party tonight. I just don't know if it's any good. I know that is too soon, it's only been, what, seven days? I just, I know that every day that goes by just reaffirms the fact that he doesn't care. I can't help but think of Oliver's words, of how he said that if he wasn't a 100% into this, then it wasn't worth it.
The truth is that I shouldn't expect anything less. It was all me, I can see it now. Just me encouraging this one-sided, doomed from the start feeling. He was very clear. I was imposing and the fact that he responded on occasion does not change his words. He asked me to leave him alone. Even that day. Oh God, I had him, claimed him like I wanted to, like he challenged me. How can one single moment produce both elation and despair? I can’t help but think that he was just giving in, just trying to appease me, just to see if I'd finally let him alone.
It worked, didn't it? It worked.
I just need to get this out, to get him out of my system or at least try to live with this. The thing is I can't even be mad at him. It's all my fault. My fault.