What Jesus has taught me in the past year and a half.
It's hard to pick one part of my life that I feel I've seen Jesus work the most in because I feel like Jesus has changed many aspects of my life for the better. The most significant and fresh in my mind right now is my first relationship, which started in... October 2006 and ended February of this year. Jesus used that relationship to bless me, teach me through the good and the bad, and totally change my perspective on marriage and relationships and the masculine gender in general.
Firstly, I've been pretty boy crazy all my life. I think I had my first crush when I was four. From then on I expected and looked for a sweetheart in various boys that I was attracted to. Meeting that nice boy and getting married seemed to me what would be the climax of my life. In every social circle I would single out the relatively most attractive boy and then pursue them. Instead of looking to a relationship with Jesus to inspire and fulfill me, I was disappointed and hurt many times, only to continue putting myself in that position.
Although I was still putting boys above all else, the quality of the boys I was attracted to definitely improved over time. Eventually I met Sam, who was cute and quiet (and therefore very sweet). My friendship with Sam was interesting because he didn't really talk to me, and of course I was trying to talk to him, but eventually I became tired of putting myself out there and decided I wouldn't like him anymore. I think he asked me out three weeks later.
The summer before that, I had the worst acne ever. Some of you may recall this. Because of that, I believed my self to be one of the most unattractive specimens on the planet. So I was really surprised when I found out that Sam thought I was gorgeous. It took me a long time, even with him telling me that all the time to believe him. Eventually he made me stop wearing makeup, which was huge because makeup was my making up for being ugly. But he told me I was more beautiful without makeup on. Now I can feel good about myself with or without makeup on, whether or not people are telling me I'm pretty or not.
Also Jesus showed me what a functional relationship looked like. When Sam and I started dating, I was so worried that he'd break up with me or that he'd start liking someone else or get frustrated with me, etc, because all the other boys I'd had feelings for did something similar. After awhile, I realized that he wasn't going anywhere.
Every time I did something, while he could've reacted, "Ok I'm out of here," he'd say, "I'll love you no matter what you do." Which is something one normally only hears from their parents. That was incredibly freeing, and I realized that not only was I worth being with, but with anyone worth being with, you don't bail out. You work through your fights and come out a better partner (with Jesus's help) on the other side. Forgiveness is huge.
My mom had repeatedly told me that I shouldn't have a boyfriend until I was ready to get married. I saw that as more of a relative state of being ready for marriage, say, the legal smoking age. Sam and I started out with high ideals. We weren't going to kiss until marriage, which was something I'd thought (more or less...I went through a phase as LL knows) for the better part of my life. Holding hands went to cuddling went to cheek kisses went to lip kisses... and so on.
Several times in our relationship God convicted us because we were making out all the time, and we'd stop for a little while, but it was like going against the force of nature. At any given time I was either convicted or pretending like I wasn't doing anything wrong which took a toll on my relationship with Jesus. It's a blessing that Jesus took us out of that situation by separating our relationship, and while we were still virgins at that. Not that Jesus couldn't fix us after, but it would have been a greater source of guilt and disappointment, not to mention make the break up a lot harder.
Through this I came to really appreciate my mother's insight about being ready to get married. I've realized that it would not be smart for me to put myself in a romantic situation until I was literally: financially, emotionally, chronologically, mentally ready for marriage. When we had been dating for awhile and we were talking about marriage frequently, it was hard for me to want to go do anything lest I leave and put stress on our relationship. After we broke up, I felt like weights were lifted off of me and I could do anything. (Hence London and Peace Corps, which I would have never done while with Sam.)
Being in a relationship showed me that although it can be a great blessing, it doesn't make my life ten times better, because I can only be as happy as I allow myself to be...therefore...as happy as I am when I am single. If I don't appreciate life on my own, I probably won't appreciate it with someone else. A relationship can't save me.
I feel like this is the biggest thing I've learned: not that life will start when I meet Him, but that my life is now and I want to do and learn as much as I can for Jesus and a part of that may or may not mean marriage for me somewhere along the way.
Firstly, I've been pretty boy crazy all my life. I think I had my first crush when I was four. From then on I expected and looked for a sweetheart in various boys that I was attracted to. Meeting that nice boy and getting married seemed to me what would be the climax of my life. In every social circle I would single out the relatively most attractive boy and then pursue them. Instead of looking to a relationship with Jesus to inspire and fulfill me, I was disappointed and hurt many times, only to continue putting myself in that position.
Although I was still putting boys above all else, the quality of the boys I was attracted to definitely improved over time. Eventually I met Sam, who was cute and quiet (and therefore very sweet). My friendship with Sam was interesting because he didn't really talk to me, and of course I was trying to talk to him, but eventually I became tired of putting myself out there and decided I wouldn't like him anymore. I think he asked me out three weeks later.
The summer before that, I had the worst acne ever. Some of you may recall this. Because of that, I believed my self to be one of the most unattractive specimens on the planet. So I was really surprised when I found out that Sam thought I was gorgeous. It took me a long time, even with him telling me that all the time to believe him. Eventually he made me stop wearing makeup, which was huge because makeup was my making up for being ugly. But he told me I was more beautiful without makeup on. Now I can feel good about myself with or without makeup on, whether or not people are telling me I'm pretty or not.
Also Jesus showed me what a functional relationship looked like. When Sam and I started dating, I was so worried that he'd break up with me or that he'd start liking someone else or get frustrated with me, etc, because all the other boys I'd had feelings for did something similar. After awhile, I realized that he wasn't going anywhere.
Every time I did something, while he could've reacted, "Ok I'm out of here," he'd say, "I'll love you no matter what you do." Which is something one normally only hears from their parents. That was incredibly freeing, and I realized that not only was I worth being with, but with anyone worth being with, you don't bail out. You work through your fights and come out a better partner (with Jesus's help) on the other side. Forgiveness is huge.
My mom had repeatedly told me that I shouldn't have a boyfriend until I was ready to get married. I saw that as more of a relative state of being ready for marriage, say, the legal smoking age. Sam and I started out with high ideals. We weren't going to kiss until marriage, which was something I'd thought (more or less...I went through a phase as LL knows) for the better part of my life. Holding hands went to cuddling went to cheek kisses went to lip kisses... and so on.
Several times in our relationship God convicted us because we were making out all the time, and we'd stop for a little while, but it was like going against the force of nature. At any given time I was either convicted or pretending like I wasn't doing anything wrong which took a toll on my relationship with Jesus. It's a blessing that Jesus took us out of that situation by separating our relationship, and while we were still virgins at that. Not that Jesus couldn't fix us after, but it would have been a greater source of guilt and disappointment, not to mention make the break up a lot harder.
Through this I came to really appreciate my mother's insight about being ready to get married. I've realized that it would not be smart for me to put myself in a romantic situation until I was literally: financially, emotionally, chronologically, mentally ready for marriage. When we had been dating for awhile and we were talking about marriage frequently, it was hard for me to want to go do anything lest I leave and put stress on our relationship. After we broke up, I felt like weights were lifted off of me and I could do anything. (Hence London and Peace Corps, which I would have never done while with Sam.)
Being in a relationship showed me that although it can be a great blessing, it doesn't make my life ten times better, because I can only be as happy as I allow myself to be...therefore...as happy as I am when I am single. If I don't appreciate life on my own, I probably won't appreciate it with someone else. A relationship can't save me.
I feel like this is the biggest thing I've learned: not that life will start when I meet Him, but that my life is now and I want to do and learn as much as I can for Jesus and a part of that may or may not mean marriage for me somewhere along the way.