(no subject)
Who the fuck am I anymore?
I really have no idea who I am. I could be sitting in the car driving, in silence and I'll just end up looking out the window and feeling a feeling that just doesn't normally belong to me. I'll feel like I am too somber for my own self, too bland, too tired or something like that.
Last night I felt too angry, too resentful and too overbearing
Yesterday afternoon I felt too pushy, too needy and too drunk.
The night before last I felt too close to crossing my comfort zone and too lost in the sea of people.
The afternoon of the night before last I felt too lazy and too questioning for my own good.
Maybe these...too whatever's are me. Maybe I haven't realized it yet, but maybe I am just a pile of too much. Maybe I only feel okay when I am alone. Maybe who I am is who I am when I am alone. And everything else is just...too much of something that I'm not entirely used to.
I also wanted to mention that I haven't had any real confirmation in feelings or whatever since I got wicked drunk with him. Is this a neccesity to get the truth? Or...prehaps the ficcad I wish to become a reality?
I honestly am beginning to wonder what is true. I feel like I am missing a huge chunk of something. I know retracing my steps won't get me anywhere, I think I've been missing it from the get-go. How do I find this missing piece if I'm not even sure what it looks like? I only know the way it feels in my hand or against my cheek. I don't know how large it is and I don't know the colors. The textures are unique and interesting but nothing far from the ordinary. I feel like I need to hunt to find this, but I also think it's like trying to kill a deer. Hooray to you when you kill it, but in the process you have to tread ever-so lightly otherwise it will get skiddish and run away.
I really have no idea who I am. I could be sitting in the car driving, in silence and I'll just end up looking out the window and feeling a feeling that just doesn't normally belong to me. I'll feel like I am too somber for my own self, too bland, too tired or something like that.
Last night I felt too angry, too resentful and too overbearing
Yesterday afternoon I felt too pushy, too needy and too drunk.
The night before last I felt too close to crossing my comfort zone and too lost in the sea of people.
The afternoon of the night before last I felt too lazy and too questioning for my own good.
Maybe these...too whatever's are me. Maybe I haven't realized it yet, but maybe I am just a pile of too much. Maybe I only feel okay when I am alone. Maybe who I am is who I am when I am alone. And everything else is just...too much of something that I'm not entirely used to.
I also wanted to mention that I haven't had any real confirmation in feelings or whatever since I got wicked drunk with him. Is this a neccesity to get the truth? Or...prehaps the ficcad I wish to become a reality?
I honestly am beginning to wonder what is true. I feel like I am missing a huge chunk of something. I know retracing my steps won't get me anywhere, I think I've been missing it from the get-go. How do I find this missing piece if I'm not even sure what it looks like? I only know the way it feels in my hand or against my cheek. I don't know how large it is and I don't know the colors. The textures are unique and interesting but nothing far from the ordinary. I feel like I need to hunt to find this, but I also think it's like trying to kill a deer. Hooray to you when you kill it, but in the process you have to tread ever-so lightly otherwise it will get skiddish and run away.