The Year That Went By- Chapter Five
Title: The year that went by - Chapter Five
Summary: What went through the mind of Severus Snape during the time between him joining Dumbledore and Lily's death.
Pairings: Snape/Lily
Characters: Snape, Lily, Voldemort, Dumbledore
Disclaimer: I do not own any of the following characters. They are the sole property of JK Rowling.
Chapter one, Chapter two, Chapter three, Chapter four
Chapter five
The Woes Of Severus Snape
Severus didn't know why he was panicking. It was after all, quite customary of the Dark Lord, to summon his Death Eaters at any random time during the day. But this time Severus felt, or rather knew, something was wrong. The ominous feeling, that had been building up in him all through the week, had reached its peak. Severus wanted nothing more than to climb out of his bed and apparate directly to the Dark Lord. But he knew he would risk evoking suspicion, unless he had some genuine information to pass over to the Dark Lord, as he was usually exempted from these sudden parleys, due to his job at Hogwarts .
What bothered him so much, was that the Dark Lord usually summoned his Death Eaters, every time he left on an important mission.
If his mission succeeds, my wish will finally come true. The Dark Lord's words stabbed through his chest like icy knives. Severus shook his head and tried to get rid of these thoughts, but unfortunately they were engraved too deep in his mind, to be merely shaken off.
What made things worse was Dumbledore's unshakable trust in Potter and Black. But Severus couldn't incriminate Black anymore. Accusing Black of anything, would increase the possibility of Lily being attacked. All he could do now, was to put his entire faith in Potter and his friend. As much as it pained him to admit it, he told himself that Black would never betray Potter. Also, this was the only way he could console himself.
As for the Dark Mark, perhaps the Dark Lord was busy with another task of which he didn't know, thought Severus to himself.
Yawning widely, and managing to calm his nerves, Severus laid back down and went back to sleep.
He was walking towards something. He couldn't see its face or make out whether it was a human or an animal. It kept moving and so did he. It was scintillating the murky surroundings around them, and emanating an inexplicable warmth. Suddenly out of nowhere it started wailing. He wanted to comfort it, but every time he reached out a hand, its whimpering grew louder. Finally he gave up and started to move away, when all of a sudden it stopped crying. Severus turned around to see what happened, when he saw a pair of sparkling green eyes pierce right into his.
Her eyes were always a relief, palliating his worries and fortifying his soul. But not anymore.
Severus cowered as he saw her eyes penetrating into his. It was no longer soothing or appeasing but accusatory.
He tried to look away, as he couldn't take her eyes censuring him so severely. But every where he looked he met the same culpatory dead pan stare. As he closed his eyes and let out a scream he felt his body being plunged into ice cold water.
"What the..." Severus let out as he opened his eyes.
The Bloody Baron was floating in front of him, with his hand stuck deep in Severus's stomach. That explains the coldness, he thought to himself. As soon as Severus woke up, the Baron withdrew his hand with an apologetic look.
"I tried calling your name, Sir. But you seemed to be in deep sleep, which is why I had to resort to this." he said.
"Alright, alright. What is it?" Severus asked, clearly annoyed at the Baron's idea for an alarm.
"Professor Dumbledore wanted to see you, Sir." he said.
Severus looked over at the clock on his table and wondered what in the name of Merlin he wanted to discuss about, at this time of the hour.
"Why does he want to see me now?" he asked irritably.
"He did not say, Sir. He merely asked me to tell you, to come up to his office." he replied.
"Fine." Severus said grumpily. "Tell him I'll be there in a few minutes."
The Baron nodded and went off through the door with the message.
Severus swore a couple of times as he put on his robes. The old man wouldn't give him a moment's rest with the two jobs, that he'd assigned him. He could at least give him some peace during the night.
Then again, I wasn't exactly having a peaceful sleep, he said to himself as he thought of his dream.
He walked lazily towards the entrance and stood in front of the gargoyle for a while, not being able to remember the password right away.
"Acid pops". He said finally as the gargoyle opened up. In a few moments, he reached the office, the door of which was already open. He saw a sliver of Dumbledore's cloak and knocked on the door to announce his presence.
"Come in, Severus." he heard Dumbledore say.
Severus entered the room and noticed that Dumbledore was standing facing the Quidditch pitch, keeping his back to him.
"Shut the door please, Severus" he said, without turning around.
Severus went back and shut the door, and after returning he asked.
"You wanted to see me Headmaster?"
"I suggest you sit down, first." said Dumbledore still not looking at Severus.
Severus was about to take his seat when Dumbledore turned around. One look at his face, and Severus knew his life would never be the same again.
Severus didn't cry after he left Dumbledore's office. He instead went straight to his potions cabinet and got hold of the potion for dreamless sleeps, went back to his room, drank the whole bottle and went straight to sleep.
A week had passed since the attacks and Severus was still in a dream like state. The reality hadn't hit him yet. He drifted around the castle much like the ghosts, attending his classes out of compulsion, hoping someone would wake him up and tell him it was all a dream. He had still not shed any tears as he had closed his mind off to any kind of emotion, refusing to believe he lived in a world in which Lily didn't exist.
He was once again outside the Manor where the Death Eaters used to meet. It lay isolated and forlorn since most of the Death Eaters had gone absconding following the Dark Lord's defeat. Severus had an important information that he wanted to tell the Order, regarding an attack some of the Death Eaters were planning as a follow up to the Lestranges torture of the Longbottoms. He realized he finally had to put his patronus into use to send Dumbledore the message.
For anyone else, conjuring a patronus a week after the loss of someone close would have been next to impossible. But Severus was still refusing to come out of his shell of denial. He had gone about his daily routines as though nothing significant had happened. He took out his wand and used the same memory of seeing Lily again and thought hard on the message, concentrating on the spell as well.
"Expecto Patronum." he shouted
He felt it before he saw it. The same feeling he had when he met her. He opened his eyes and blinked to see what he was looking at. He stood on the ground, quite dazed at what he was seeing. Clearly it wasn't his patronus, it wasn't the tiny, petite bat that could fly around, but something larger. For a while Severus couldn't recognize the silvery shape in front of him. And when he finally did, all wind was knocked out of him, as he sank to the ground, his legs finally giving away.
His cries rippled through the night. His maudlin managing to wake up the nocturnal beasts that were seeking rest. He let out all the tears he had been holding in for the past one week, finally letting in the truth of what happened. The truth of those green eyes never shining again, of that smile never gracing her lips again, of her heart never beating again. The truth of Lily Evans being dead.
For what seemed like ages, the rueful man cried into the night. The birds watched over as he sat on the floor, wringing his hands in his hair bawling like he had something to tell the world, which not words, but only tears could say.
Severus stopped crying and opened his eyes, he wiped his face with his sleeves and sat on the floor for a while feeling slightly nebulous. His brain had stopped functioning and he could hear his heart beat clearer than ever. He finally managed to look up at the patronus that was watching him cry.
Severus got up and moved closer to it. The doe was staring at him quite cheerfully, an expression he had seen quite often in Lily. It had a calmness about it, which he could never associate with his patronus. Its eyes weren't green, but its penetrating gaze gave Severus the same feeling of self-assurance.
"See Linda..see how pretty my Patronus is." said the red haired girl
"Oh for the last time, Lily. Just because you did it, and the rest of us couldn't, doesn't mean you can show off all the time." said her friend.
The girl chuckled as she directed her doe around quite jauntily as a long haired boy watched from the shadows.
It took Severus several minutes to comprehend what had happened. His patronus had changed. It had taken the form of his one true love.
And as he stood there, finally having understood what she meant to him, he realized he would never have trouble thinking of a memory again. The patronus itself was the happy thought, originating from within him and seeing it made him feel strong and secure . He was grateful that he was left with a constant reminder of her happiness which had manifested itself into her patronus and now into his.
Dumbledore was lying back in his chair when he saw the silvery light reach his office. For a moment he stood confused not being able to understand what was happening. He was seeing Lily's patronus, when she clearly died a week ago. He moved closer to inspect it when the doe opened its mouth and spoke in Severus's voice.
Once the doe finished the message and vanished into the air, Dumbledore sat down on his chair. He had tears in his eyes and couldn't help but feel for the boy. Dumbledore had on certain occasions doubted the boy's love and had falsely interpreted it as an obsession. But the patronus that had vanished in front of him, had finally shown him that Severus Snape did indeed truly love Lily Evans.
He realized that a patronus was a pure and quintessential piece of magic that couldn't be manipulated by obsessive love and thus Severus's love was pure indeed. Dumbledore felt his eyes welling up as he recalled Arianna and realized that Severus was nothing but a younger version of himself, whose one bad choice had resulted in the loss of a loved one. As he watched the silvery glow fading away from his office, he hoped the boy wouldn't be condemned to a life of loneliness like himself, and would snap out of the shock someday returning his patronus to its original form.
Severus saw the patronus running away into the woods with the message. And as he stood there, the reality slowly dawning on him, he realized that Lily did in fact leave something behind.
Her protection on her son through her blood. And her protection on Severus, as she left behind an impression of hers on him, reminding him of the goodness she once claimed to have seen, and keeping it alive for all to see.
He looked up at the tenebrous sky and gazed at the glittering stars and whispered something he hadn't said for a long time..
"I love you Lily..Always will..."
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Author's note: There you go. :) My first ever fan fic. Hope you liked it. I would love to hear your thoughts on it..
Summary: What went through the mind of Severus Snape during the time between him joining Dumbledore and Lily's death.
Pairings: Snape/Lily
Characters: Snape, Lily, Voldemort, Dumbledore
Disclaimer: I do not own any of the following characters. They are the sole property of JK Rowling.
Chapter one, Chapter two, Chapter three, Chapter four
Chapter five
The Woes Of Severus Snape
Severus didn't know why he was panicking. It was after all, quite customary of the Dark Lord, to summon his Death Eaters at any random time during the day. But this time Severus felt, or rather knew, something was wrong. The ominous feeling, that had been building up in him all through the week, had reached its peak. Severus wanted nothing more than to climb out of his bed and apparate directly to the Dark Lord. But he knew he would risk evoking suspicion, unless he had some genuine information to pass over to the Dark Lord, as he was usually exempted from these sudden parleys, due to his job at Hogwarts .
What bothered him so much, was that the Dark Lord usually summoned his Death Eaters, every time he left on an important mission.
If his mission succeeds, my wish will finally come true. The Dark Lord's words stabbed through his chest like icy knives. Severus shook his head and tried to get rid of these thoughts, but unfortunately they were engraved too deep in his mind, to be merely shaken off.
What made things worse was Dumbledore's unshakable trust in Potter and Black. But Severus couldn't incriminate Black anymore. Accusing Black of anything, would increase the possibility of Lily being attacked. All he could do now, was to put his entire faith in Potter and his friend. As much as it pained him to admit it, he told himself that Black would never betray Potter. Also, this was the only way he could console himself.
As for the Dark Mark, perhaps the Dark Lord was busy with another task of which he didn't know, thought Severus to himself.
Yawning widely, and managing to calm his nerves, Severus laid back down and went back to sleep.
He was walking towards something. He couldn't see its face or make out whether it was a human or an animal. It kept moving and so did he. It was scintillating the murky surroundings around them, and emanating an inexplicable warmth. Suddenly out of nowhere it started wailing. He wanted to comfort it, but every time he reached out a hand, its whimpering grew louder. Finally he gave up and started to move away, when all of a sudden it stopped crying. Severus turned around to see what happened, when he saw a pair of sparkling green eyes pierce right into his.
Her eyes were always a relief, palliating his worries and fortifying his soul. But not anymore.
Severus cowered as he saw her eyes penetrating into his. It was no longer soothing or appeasing but accusatory.
He tried to look away, as he couldn't take her eyes censuring him so severely. But every where he looked he met the same culpatory dead pan stare. As he closed his eyes and let out a scream he felt his body being plunged into ice cold water.
"What the..." Severus let out as he opened his eyes.
The Bloody Baron was floating in front of him, with his hand stuck deep in Severus's stomach. That explains the coldness, he thought to himself. As soon as Severus woke up, the Baron withdrew his hand with an apologetic look.
"I tried calling your name, Sir. But you seemed to be in deep sleep, which is why I had to resort to this." he said.
"Alright, alright. What is it?" Severus asked, clearly annoyed at the Baron's idea for an alarm.
"Professor Dumbledore wanted to see you, Sir." he said.
Severus looked over at the clock on his table and wondered what in the name of Merlin he wanted to discuss about, at this time of the hour.
"Why does he want to see me now?" he asked irritably.
"He did not say, Sir. He merely asked me to tell you, to come up to his office." he replied.
"Fine." Severus said grumpily. "Tell him I'll be there in a few minutes."
The Baron nodded and went off through the door with the message.
Severus swore a couple of times as he put on his robes. The old man wouldn't give him a moment's rest with the two jobs, that he'd assigned him. He could at least give him some peace during the night.
Then again, I wasn't exactly having a peaceful sleep, he said to himself as he thought of his dream.
He walked lazily towards the entrance and stood in front of the gargoyle for a while, not being able to remember the password right away.
"Acid pops". He said finally as the gargoyle opened up. In a few moments, he reached the office, the door of which was already open. He saw a sliver of Dumbledore's cloak and knocked on the door to announce his presence.
"Come in, Severus." he heard Dumbledore say.
Severus entered the room and noticed that Dumbledore was standing facing the Quidditch pitch, keeping his back to him.
"Shut the door please, Severus" he said, without turning around.
Severus went back and shut the door, and after returning he asked.
"You wanted to see me Headmaster?"
"I suggest you sit down, first." said Dumbledore still not looking at Severus.
Severus was about to take his seat when Dumbledore turned around. One look at his face, and Severus knew his life would never be the same again.
Severus didn't cry after he left Dumbledore's office. He instead went straight to his potions cabinet and got hold of the potion for dreamless sleeps, went back to his room, drank the whole bottle and went straight to sleep.
A week had passed since the attacks and Severus was still in a dream like state. The reality hadn't hit him yet. He drifted around the castle much like the ghosts, attending his classes out of compulsion, hoping someone would wake him up and tell him it was all a dream. He had still not shed any tears as he had closed his mind off to any kind of emotion, refusing to believe he lived in a world in which Lily didn't exist.
He was once again outside the Manor where the Death Eaters used to meet. It lay isolated and forlorn since most of the Death Eaters had gone absconding following the Dark Lord's defeat. Severus had an important information that he wanted to tell the Order, regarding an attack some of the Death Eaters were planning as a follow up to the Lestranges torture of the Longbottoms. He realized he finally had to put his patronus into use to send Dumbledore the message.
For anyone else, conjuring a patronus a week after the loss of someone close would have been next to impossible. But Severus was still refusing to come out of his shell of denial. He had gone about his daily routines as though nothing significant had happened. He took out his wand and used the same memory of seeing Lily again and thought hard on the message, concentrating on the spell as well.
"Expecto Patronum." he shouted
He felt it before he saw it. The same feeling he had when he met her. He opened his eyes and blinked to see what he was looking at. He stood on the ground, quite dazed at what he was seeing. Clearly it wasn't his patronus, it wasn't the tiny, petite bat that could fly around, but something larger. For a while Severus couldn't recognize the silvery shape in front of him. And when he finally did, all wind was knocked out of him, as he sank to the ground, his legs finally giving away.
His cries rippled through the night. His maudlin managing to wake up the nocturnal beasts that were seeking rest. He let out all the tears he had been holding in for the past one week, finally letting in the truth of what happened. The truth of those green eyes never shining again, of that smile never gracing her lips again, of her heart never beating again. The truth of Lily Evans being dead.
For what seemed like ages, the rueful man cried into the night. The birds watched over as he sat on the floor, wringing his hands in his hair bawling like he had something to tell the world, which not words, but only tears could say.
Severus stopped crying and opened his eyes, he wiped his face with his sleeves and sat on the floor for a while feeling slightly nebulous. His brain had stopped functioning and he could hear his heart beat clearer than ever. He finally managed to look up at the patronus that was watching him cry.
Severus got up and moved closer to it. The doe was staring at him quite cheerfully, an expression he had seen quite often in Lily. It had a calmness about it, which he could never associate with his patronus. Its eyes weren't green, but its penetrating gaze gave Severus the same feeling of self-assurance.
"See Linda..see how pretty my Patronus is." said the red haired girl
"Oh for the last time, Lily. Just because you did it, and the rest of us couldn't, doesn't mean you can show off all the time." said her friend.
The girl chuckled as she directed her doe around quite jauntily as a long haired boy watched from the shadows.
It took Severus several minutes to comprehend what had happened. His patronus had changed. It had taken the form of his one true love.
And as he stood there, finally having understood what she meant to him, he realized he would never have trouble thinking of a memory again. The patronus itself was the happy thought, originating from within him and seeing it made him feel strong and secure . He was grateful that he was left with a constant reminder of her happiness which had manifested itself into her patronus and now into his.
Dumbledore was lying back in his chair when he saw the silvery light reach his office. For a moment he stood confused not being able to understand what was happening. He was seeing Lily's patronus, when she clearly died a week ago. He moved closer to inspect it when the doe opened its mouth and spoke in Severus's voice.
Once the doe finished the message and vanished into the air, Dumbledore sat down on his chair. He had tears in his eyes and couldn't help but feel for the boy. Dumbledore had on certain occasions doubted the boy's love and had falsely interpreted it as an obsession. But the patronus that had vanished in front of him, had finally shown him that Severus Snape did indeed truly love Lily Evans.
He realized that a patronus was a pure and quintessential piece of magic that couldn't be manipulated by obsessive love and thus Severus's love was pure indeed. Dumbledore felt his eyes welling up as he recalled Arianna and realized that Severus was nothing but a younger version of himself, whose one bad choice had resulted in the loss of a loved one. As he watched the silvery glow fading away from his office, he hoped the boy wouldn't be condemned to a life of loneliness like himself, and would snap out of the shock someday returning his patronus to its original form.
Severus saw the patronus running away into the woods with the message. And as he stood there, the reality slowly dawning on him, he realized that Lily did in fact leave something behind.
Her protection on her son through her blood. And her protection on Severus, as she left behind an impression of hers on him, reminding him of the goodness she once claimed to have seen, and keeping it alive for all to see.
He looked up at the tenebrous sky and gazed at the glittering stars and whispered something he hadn't said for a long time..
"I love you Lily..Always will..."
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Author's note: There you go. :) My first ever fan fic. Hope you liked it. I would love to hear your thoughts on it..