Apocolypse Wow!
I haven't used this outlet to vent my personal thoughts as much I might have, so here it all comes at once, apologies in advance.
So, one quarter of my college career comes to a close, time marches me that much closer to death's clutches. I saw that second part coming years ago. After I ran down that Indian chief's daughter with my Ford Excursion, I've come to terms with the fact that something bad is probably lurking around the corner. I assume it will involve ghosts, arrows, voodoo, and an old negro named "Uncle Rebus" who will carve corporate logos on my flesh before I'm devoured by sentient ghost arrows. That will be a real bummer, but at least I got the heads up on that one. What "they" (read: Secret Zionist Council) didn't tell me was how bloody fast college would go by. I stand here, ever racing towards the precipice of tremendous responsibility. Careers, relationships, all of that shit that I've put off. I thought college was supposed to prepare you for those kinds of things, but I don't know if I'm any more certain of where I'm going (taking myself) than a year ago. I've prided myself in being relatively optimistic about this whole college thing, but my persistent self-doubt is starting to get the better of me, as it often does. Whenever I'm faced with an important task, and I consider college a 'task', I always feel that I need to doubt my own ability to overcome those obstacles. I fear the worst, so that I won't be disappointed if that eventuality should come to pass. Secretly, I know somehow things will always work themselves out (as naïve a vestige of my fortunate childhood as that may be), but I still have to taint everything with an lack of confidence, so that I can at least say that I saw it coming.
I feel like I'm becoming more comfortable with being alone. Sometimes, I think I want to be by myself more than I want to be with others. I know that's wrong, and that I should be thankful that I have any friends who put up with my habitual bouts of aggression and neglect. But, I still think I feel that way more and more, and that it's starting to effect my relationships with people. I can feel a tremendous aversion to running into people, and sometimes I'll be so nervous about having to force conversation with someone that I'll go out of my way to avoid them. It's so childish, but I can't help it. Other times, I start to become dissatisfied with those I'm close to, I start to become more despondent towards friends who have shown me great kindness. I start to allow these relationships to deteriorate. I don't know why I start to feel like this towards people who have been generous enough to befriend me. These episodes of intentional isolation and neglect I find more troubling than anything else. All I have is my ability to communicate with others, and I'm purposefully squandering those opportunities. Instead I talk to the figurative wall of LiveJournal, rather than formulating these thoughts with someone else.
I've liberalized my usage of drugs, although I still do far less than most of the people I know at college. I don't drink very much, nor have I at any point during college, though I smoke more than I did coming here. I haven't seemed to have any difficulty controlling the usage of either substance, but I am fearful that overindulgence may be causing some of the aforementioned problems. Although, I haven't really used enough for this to be a serious consideration, and I feel like I'm just trying to blame something for my problems.
I've grown to hate capitalism and much of society more than when I arrived here. But, i've spoken about that in my numerous and verbose past essays.
Wow! That sure started out hilariously and quickly descended into disturbing psychoanalytical self reflection. Whew, what a frightening netherworld of restrained emotion and desire my tempestuous mind is! Well, aside from those neurosis, my questions about the future, my general contempt, and not mentioning any good aspects of my stay at college, I can look back and say that I've had a good year. May next year be even better than this one, which I shall refer to as Richard Scary's Best Freshman Year Ever!
So, one quarter of my college career comes to a close, time marches me that much closer to death's clutches. I saw that second part coming years ago. After I ran down that Indian chief's daughter with my Ford Excursion, I've come to terms with the fact that something bad is probably lurking around the corner. I assume it will involve ghosts, arrows, voodoo, and an old negro named "Uncle Rebus" who will carve corporate logos on my flesh before I'm devoured by sentient ghost arrows. That will be a real bummer, but at least I got the heads up on that one. What "they" (read: Secret Zionist Council) didn't tell me was how bloody fast college would go by. I stand here, ever racing towards the precipice of tremendous responsibility. Careers, relationships, all of that shit that I've put off. I thought college was supposed to prepare you for those kinds of things, but I don't know if I'm any more certain of where I'm going (taking myself) than a year ago. I've prided myself in being relatively optimistic about this whole college thing, but my persistent self-doubt is starting to get the better of me, as it often does. Whenever I'm faced with an important task, and I consider college a 'task', I always feel that I need to doubt my own ability to overcome those obstacles. I fear the worst, so that I won't be disappointed if that eventuality should come to pass. Secretly, I know somehow things will always work themselves out (as naïve a vestige of my fortunate childhood as that may be), but I still have to taint everything with an lack of confidence, so that I can at least say that I saw it coming.
I feel like I'm becoming more comfortable with being alone. Sometimes, I think I want to be by myself more than I want to be with others. I know that's wrong, and that I should be thankful that I have any friends who put up with my habitual bouts of aggression and neglect. But, I still think I feel that way more and more, and that it's starting to effect my relationships with people. I can feel a tremendous aversion to running into people, and sometimes I'll be so nervous about having to force conversation with someone that I'll go out of my way to avoid them. It's so childish, but I can't help it. Other times, I start to become dissatisfied with those I'm close to, I start to become more despondent towards friends who have shown me great kindness. I start to allow these relationships to deteriorate. I don't know why I start to feel like this towards people who have been generous enough to befriend me. These episodes of intentional isolation and neglect I find more troubling than anything else. All I have is my ability to communicate with others, and I'm purposefully squandering those opportunities. Instead I talk to the figurative wall of LiveJournal, rather than formulating these thoughts with someone else.
I've liberalized my usage of drugs, although I still do far less than most of the people I know at college. I don't drink very much, nor have I at any point during college, though I smoke more than I did coming here. I haven't seemed to have any difficulty controlling the usage of either substance, but I am fearful that overindulgence may be causing some of the aforementioned problems. Although, I haven't really used enough for this to be a serious consideration, and I feel like I'm just trying to blame something for my problems.
I've grown to hate capitalism and much of society more than when I arrived here. But, i've spoken about that in my numerous and verbose past essays.
Wow! That sure started out hilariously and quickly descended into disturbing psychoanalytical self reflection. Whew, what a frightening netherworld of restrained emotion and desire my tempestuous mind is! Well, aside from those neurosis, my questions about the future, my general contempt, and not mentioning any good aspects of my stay at college, I can look back and say that I've had a good year. May next year be even better than this one, which I shall refer to as Richard Scary's Best Freshman Year Ever!