Will Turner
So, I decided that on the two week anniversary of this journal I would do something special. I'm going to share a little secret. Someone might have picked up on it just by looking through the 14 previous Sues reported. A little something they have in common, you know, besides being obnoxious and needing to die. In case you didn't pick up on it... they're all OCs.
My secret being: I fear Canon Sues.
It probably stems from my supreme canon-whorishness, but characters acting wildly OOC without an obvious catalyst for me to blame frightens me. Implausible pairings offend me and make me homicidal. Bad slash just makes me hurt.
So I avoid Canon Sues. I go for the Red Ariel Trueloves and the Ovashing Sparrows and, God help me, even the Akina "My Entire Fic Is Ganked From A Completely Unrelated Movie" Clearwaters. Anything to save myself from the horror of seeing characters I like be twisted and violated, not because the author wants to insert themselves into the story, but because they just. didn't. get. it. Or did and just didn't care.
But today, today I have decided to face my fears. After this, I may never have the heart to do so again.
I give you bad slash:
TITLE: Wish upon a fairytale I admit to be being horrible at titles myself... but this? What the fuck?
CULPRIT: Katherine4 Who also writes LotR bad slash. Apparently, she feels as though every character that Orlando Bloom plays must be feminized, defiled by a canon character (who would, if not possessed by Suvian demons, never do such a thing) for the sake of TEH ANGST, rescued by the nearest hot guy, and carried off for lots of steamy man-love.
SUMMARY: "AU slash… “This isn’t a fairytale and you can’t save me,” Will whispered, crystals glittering in his eyes." This is just begging to be sent over to purple_prose.
BEST LINE: [See "Summary"]
THE VERDICT
Walk the plank, bitch.
NAME: Will Turner
EYES: "His eyes were wide and luminous, sparkling with an ethereal light."
HAIR: "tendrils of escaped, wavy brown hair [framed] his face and [accentuated] his high cheekbones."
DISTINGUISHING FEATURES: "a stunning smile, filled with so much life and spirit that it made Jack’s jaded heart ache, made him yearn to lean into that smile and taste it for himself."
OH SO SPESHUL POSSESSIONS: Jack's balls.
OBNOXIOUS AND/OR IMPLAUSIBLE ORIGIN: Is a whore on Tortuga.
OBNOXIOUS AND/OR IMPLAUSIBLE CANON CONNECTIONS/AFFILIATIONS: Claims to be Will Turner. Is Jack's one true love. Is Commodore Norrington's kept-boy.
SOOPER SPESHUL ABILITIES: Making Captain Jack Sparrow act like a lovesick schoolboy and inspiring the purplest of prose.
THE "PLOT": Jack is horny. Anamaria declines his advances, the rest of the crew isn't purdy enough. When they stop in Tortuga he seeks out a wench and is completely smitten by the feylike Will Turner, accredited man-whore. He finds out that Will belongs to a certain Commodore. Will flirts with him and teases him. Jack rhapsodizes about Will's beauty and brings Will some flowers. There'll probably be much angst involving Will belonging to (probably evil) Norrington and loving Jack and wanting to be free from his career of whoring, since that line from the summary hasn't actually shown up in the fic yet.
NOTES: *sigh* Am I the only one who gets really, really tired of people using AU as an excuse to write people completely out of character and in some random situation that they'd probably never be in if they were actually in character?
Just write original fiction, dammit. Fiction Press is there for a reason.
Besides being bad slash, having a trite storyline, and making Will into a blushing little girl, the author also writes overdramatic prose and (judging by this and her other stories) refuses to describe tears as tears but always as diamonds or crystals or some similar shit. Unless, you know, the Sues are actually crying precious gems... I wouldn't put it past a Sue.
Judging from her FF.net bio the author is under the incorrect assumption that writing only canon characters means that she does not write Sues.
WillSue scored an 82 on the PotC Mary Sue Litmus test.
The only thing in this author's favor is that she actually spells "Anamaria" correctly.
EXCERPT:
WillSue meets Jack and works Sue-magic on him.
The smile turned into a knowing smirk as the boy repeated his earlier words, drawling, “Looking for someone?”
Closing his mouth abruptly and blinking to clear the sudden haze that had descended upon him, Jack croaked, “Yes.”
Horrified at the embarrassingly, pathetically high pitch that had just emerged from his mouth, Jack cleared his throat grandly.
“Do you know who I should look for?” He leered openly at the boy, winking at him.
Hooking his fingers in the waistband of his worn pants, the boy blushed slightly, looking down bashfully as the waistband was drawn down slightly, revealing a tantalizing expense of milky skin.
Gulping noticeably, Jack’s eyes bulged as he fumed inwardly at the actions of the boy.
Bloody Tease.
His eyes drawn irresistibly towards the exposed skin, Jack could feel a mixture of anger and respect mingling inside him.
Anger at how he was being taken for a ride, evident by the small glint of satisfaction in the boy’s eyes.
Respect at how skillfully the boy was doing it, so much so that Jack could feel the lust inside him overpowering the dying embers of anger.
“Giselle’s always good,” the boy grinned.
“What if I said I wanted you?” Jack countered, licking his lips anticipatively.
“Then you’re not in luck,” the boy answered flippantly. Shrugging his shoulders almost apologetically, he smiled. “I’m not for sale.”
Without another word, he slipped nimbly past a shell-shocked Jack.
Can someone just shoot me?
The warm rays of the sun bathed Captain Jack Sparrow in a golden shower.
Leaning nonchalantly against the side of the building, he looked up occasionally, his alert, darting eyes a contradiction to his relaxed posture.
Finally spying his heart’s desire emerging from the building, the corners of his lips curled up in satisfaction.
Jack smoothly fell into step beside the lad, smirking in a blasé manner when a glare was directed at him.
“Will, what are you doing on this fine morning?” Jack asked exaggeratedly, slinging an arm over Will’s shoulders.
Huffing in outrage, Will shrugged free of Jack’s arm.
“How do you know my name?” He asked suspiciously, staring at Jack through lidded eyes.
Trying to hide the embarrassing fluttering in his stomach at the mere sight of the lad, Jack smirked, “I have ways of finding out things.”
As an afterthought, he added with a lavish bow, “Captain Jack Sparrow, at your service.”
Raising one perfect eyebrow quizzically, the lad rolled his eyes. “Am I supposed to be impressed?” He snorted in derision, wrinkling his nose in distaste.
Charmed by the adorable sneer on the lad’s face, Jack didn’t reply, simply gazing contendedly at him.
His eyes narrowing in disgust, Will muttered darkly, “Get away from me.”
“I’m warning you.” Will added sternly, as he quickened his footsteps.
Effortlessly matching Will’s faster strides, Jack clasped his hands to his chest dramatically.
“I’m wounded! After all, I waited all night for you to give you this!”
Stopping so abruptly that Jack had to make an about-turn, Will looked at him askance. “You didn’t wait for me! I could hear you going all night long! I didn’t get any sleep at all because of you!”
“So you did notice me,” Jack pounced on his words in satisfaction. Winking knowingly at Will, Jack smiled smugly. “Besides, you contributed some of the noise last night too.”
Blushing deeply, Will glowered. “That’s none of your business!” He snapped, whirling away from Jack.
“Wait!” Jack grabbed Will’s arm, dropping it in surprise as a harsh gasp of pain emerged from the lad.
“Are you hurt?” Jack asked in concern, reaching out tenderly.
“No!” Will backed away from Jack, cradling his arm protectively. “You just startled me,” he said brusquely.
Not believing him in the least, Jack decided to let the matter slip.
“Anyway,” Jack grinned widely. “I wanted to give you this.”
Bowing deeply, Jack presented Will with a straggly bunch of wildflowers with a flourish.
Looking at Jack in disbelief, Will was torn between grabbing the flowers and throwing them into Jack’s face or bursting into laughter.
He settled for a bewildered, “You just picked the flowers from over there!”
“Maybe I did and maybe I didn’t,” Jack said mysteriously. “Well, are you going to be so rude as to refuse my gift?” He asked, waggling the flowers irritatingly in Will’s face.
Gaping at Jack, Will sighed in frustration and ignored him, stalking away.
“Hey!” Jack grumbled, hurrying to catch up with his prey once again.
My secret being: I fear Canon Sues.
It probably stems from my supreme canon-whorishness, but characters acting wildly OOC without an obvious catalyst for me to blame frightens me. Implausible pairings offend me and make me homicidal. Bad slash just makes me hurt.
So I avoid Canon Sues. I go for the Red Ariel Trueloves and the Ovashing Sparrows and, God help me, even the Akina "My Entire Fic Is Ganked From A Completely Unrelated Movie" Clearwaters. Anything to save myself from the horror of seeing characters I like be twisted and violated, not because the author wants to insert themselves into the story, but because they just. didn't. get. it. Or did and just didn't care.
But today, today I have decided to face my fears. After this, I may never have the heart to do so again.
I give you bad slash:
TITLE: Wish upon a fairytale I admit to be being horrible at titles myself... but this? What the fuck?
CULPRIT: Katherine4 Who also writes LotR bad slash. Apparently, she feels as though every character that Orlando Bloom plays must be feminized, defiled by a canon character (who would, if not possessed by Suvian demons, never do such a thing) for the sake of TEH ANGST, rescued by the nearest hot guy, and carried off for lots of steamy man-love.
SUMMARY: "AU slash… “This isn’t a fairytale and you can’t save me,” Will whispered, crystals glittering in his eyes." This is just begging to be sent over to purple_prose.
BEST LINE: [See "Summary"]
THE VERDICT
Walk the plank, bitch.
NAME: Will Turner
EYES: "His eyes were wide and luminous, sparkling with an ethereal light."
HAIR: "tendrils of escaped, wavy brown hair [framed] his face and [accentuated] his high cheekbones."
DISTINGUISHING FEATURES: "a stunning smile, filled with so much life and spirit that it made Jack’s jaded heart ache, made him yearn to lean into that smile and taste it for himself."
OH SO SPESHUL POSSESSIONS: Jack's balls.
OBNOXIOUS AND/OR IMPLAUSIBLE ORIGIN: Is a whore on Tortuga.
OBNOXIOUS AND/OR IMPLAUSIBLE CANON CONNECTIONS/AFFILIATIONS: Claims to be Will Turner. Is Jack's one true love. Is Commodore Norrington's kept-boy.
SOOPER SPESHUL ABILITIES: Making Captain Jack Sparrow act like a lovesick schoolboy and inspiring the purplest of prose.
THE "PLOT": Jack is horny. Anamaria declines his advances, the rest of the crew isn't purdy enough. When they stop in Tortuga he seeks out a wench and is completely smitten by the feylike Will Turner, accredited man-whore. He finds out that Will belongs to a certain Commodore. Will flirts with him and teases him. Jack rhapsodizes about Will's beauty and brings Will some flowers. There'll probably be much angst involving Will belonging to (probably evil) Norrington and loving Jack and wanting to be free from his career of whoring, since that line from the summary hasn't actually shown up in the fic yet.
NOTES: *sigh* Am I the only one who gets really, really tired of people using AU as an excuse to write people completely out of character and in some random situation that they'd probably never be in if they were actually in character?
Just write original fiction, dammit. Fiction Press is there for a reason.
Besides being bad slash, having a trite storyline, and making Will into a blushing little girl, the author also writes overdramatic prose and (judging by this and her other stories) refuses to describe tears as tears but always as diamonds or crystals or some similar shit. Unless, you know, the Sues are actually crying precious gems... I wouldn't put it past a Sue.
Judging from her FF.net bio the author is under the incorrect assumption that writing only canon characters means that she does not write Sues.
WillSue scored an 82 on the PotC Mary Sue Litmus test.
The only thing in this author's favor is that she actually spells "Anamaria" correctly.
EXCERPT:
WillSue meets Jack and works Sue-magic on him.
The smile turned into a knowing smirk as the boy repeated his earlier words, drawling, “Looking for someone?”
Closing his mouth abruptly and blinking to clear the sudden haze that had descended upon him, Jack croaked, “Yes.”
Horrified at the embarrassingly, pathetically high pitch that had just emerged from his mouth, Jack cleared his throat grandly.
“Do you know who I should look for?” He leered openly at the boy, winking at him.
Hooking his fingers in the waistband of his worn pants, the boy blushed slightly, looking down bashfully as the waistband was drawn down slightly, revealing a tantalizing expense of milky skin.
Gulping noticeably, Jack’s eyes bulged as he fumed inwardly at the actions of the boy.
Bloody Tease.
His eyes drawn irresistibly towards the exposed skin, Jack could feel a mixture of anger and respect mingling inside him.
Anger at how he was being taken for a ride, evident by the small glint of satisfaction in the boy’s eyes.
Respect at how skillfully the boy was doing it, so much so that Jack could feel the lust inside him overpowering the dying embers of anger.
“Giselle’s always good,” the boy grinned.
“What if I said I wanted you?” Jack countered, licking his lips anticipatively.
“Then you’re not in luck,” the boy answered flippantly. Shrugging his shoulders almost apologetically, he smiled. “I’m not for sale.”
Without another word, he slipped nimbly past a shell-shocked Jack.
Can someone just shoot me?
The warm rays of the sun bathed Captain Jack Sparrow in a golden shower.
Leaning nonchalantly against the side of the building, he looked up occasionally, his alert, darting eyes a contradiction to his relaxed posture.
Finally spying his heart’s desire emerging from the building, the corners of his lips curled up in satisfaction.
Jack smoothly fell into step beside the lad, smirking in a blasé manner when a glare was directed at him.
“Will, what are you doing on this fine morning?” Jack asked exaggeratedly, slinging an arm over Will’s shoulders.
Huffing in outrage, Will shrugged free of Jack’s arm.
“How do you know my name?” He asked suspiciously, staring at Jack through lidded eyes.
Trying to hide the embarrassing fluttering in his stomach at the mere sight of the lad, Jack smirked, “I have ways of finding out things.”
As an afterthought, he added with a lavish bow, “Captain Jack Sparrow, at your service.”
Raising one perfect eyebrow quizzically, the lad rolled his eyes. “Am I supposed to be impressed?” He snorted in derision, wrinkling his nose in distaste.
Charmed by the adorable sneer on the lad’s face, Jack didn’t reply, simply gazing contendedly at him.
His eyes narrowing in disgust, Will muttered darkly, “Get away from me.”
“I’m warning you.” Will added sternly, as he quickened his footsteps.
Effortlessly matching Will’s faster strides, Jack clasped his hands to his chest dramatically.
“I’m wounded! After all, I waited all night for you to give you this!”
Stopping so abruptly that Jack had to make an about-turn, Will looked at him askance. “You didn’t wait for me! I could hear you going all night long! I didn’t get any sleep at all because of you!”
“So you did notice me,” Jack pounced on his words in satisfaction. Winking knowingly at Will, Jack smiled smugly. “Besides, you contributed some of the noise last night too.”
Blushing deeply, Will glowered. “That’s none of your business!” He snapped, whirling away from Jack.
“Wait!” Jack grabbed Will’s arm, dropping it in surprise as a harsh gasp of pain emerged from the lad.
“Are you hurt?” Jack asked in concern, reaching out tenderly.
“No!” Will backed away from Jack, cradling his arm protectively. “You just startled me,” he said brusquely.
Not believing him in the least, Jack decided to let the matter slip.
“Anyway,” Jack grinned widely. “I wanted to give you this.”
Bowing deeply, Jack presented Will with a straggly bunch of wildflowers with a flourish.
Looking at Jack in disbelief, Will was torn between grabbing the flowers and throwing them into Jack’s face or bursting into laughter.
He settled for a bewildered, “You just picked the flowers from over there!”
“Maybe I did and maybe I didn’t,” Jack said mysteriously. “Well, are you going to be so rude as to refuse my gift?” He asked, waggling the flowers irritatingly in Will’s face.
Gaping at Jack, Will sighed in frustration and ignored him, stalking away.
“Hey!” Jack grumbled, hurrying to catch up with his prey once again.