Brenna Gunn
Thought I'd give you guys something a little less putrid this time around. But only a little.
TITLE: The Captain's Lady Ah, yet another promising title.
CULPRIT: Tora-tora
SUMMARY: "The daughter of a famous thief is captured by Captain Sparrow to be used for ransom, but when the time comes, will they be able to let each other go? Rated R for later chapters." Oh, the suspense.
BEST LINE: “Well, luv, ye’d better get settled fer a long trip. Th’ man will die if I ‘ave t’ track ‘im down meself.” An oldy but a goody: absurd, letter-dropping, irish, pirate accents.
THE VERDICT
It's time for a keelhauling.
NAME: Brenna Gunn
EYES: "brilliant green eyes" "captivating green eyes"
HAIR: "sun-streaked chestnut hair was spread like silk over the pillow behind her head"
DISTINGUISHING FEATURES: "long, thick lashes fell across her cream colored skin"
OH SO SPESHUL POSSESSIONS: Some rubies. Presumably her father, the thief, stole them.
OBNOXIOUS AND/OR IMPLAUSIBLE ORIGIN: The daughter of some thief. She's sailing away with some rubies he stole on a boat that her brother got her. She's probably betrayed her father because he didn't love her enough or pay attention to her when she was a kid or let her be a thief like all the boys or something.
OBNOXIOUS AND/OR IMPLAUSIBLE CANON CONNECTIONS/AFFILIATIONS: Is going to be Jack's one true love.
SOOPER SPESHUL ABILITIES: She throws knives good.
THE "PLOT": Sue's ship is taken by the Black Pearl. Jack wants the rubies. They're hidden on Sue's person. He enjoys watching her squirm as he cuts her clothes off to look for the rubies. It's mildly disturbing. But not because I fear for the Sue or feel any sympathy for her at all, but because I'm disgusted that someone would write Jack taking erotic pleasure in making some girl think he was going to rape her. Anyway, he doesn't do a very good job of looking since he doesn't look in her shoes or in the folds of her skirt, which is where the rubies are. He does however come back into the cabin once she's removed some of them from their hiding places, for reasons unknown to me. Jack threatens to take the last of her clothing if she doesn't tell him where the gems are. If she does tell him he'll let her roam free on the ship. Because this Jack is an idiot. I was under the impression that if you threaten someone to get them to do something, if they do it then they don't get the threat carried out. Not they don't get the threat carried out then get extra shit too. Anyway, for some reason Jack hates Sue's father and wants to kill him and is using Sue to lure him out. Sue says that her father will just send assassins to kill her to protect some sort of secrets or something. Who knows. Who cares. I just hope the assassins get there fast. Sue changes to some new clothes and throws a knife at Jack, just because she can, I guess. They have dinner, Jack gets drunk and passes out while she's in the room with him, because as previously mentioned this Jack is an idiot. She tries to get the keys off of his person but ends up in bed with his arms around her, like all Sues do whenever a bed and their lust-object are anywhere in the general vicinity. Apparently, rolling Jack onto his back is such strenuous exercise that Sue falls asleep. Jack wakes up and thinks that Sue is purdy. Earlier, after she was all TEH HAWT while thinking she was going to be raped and having her clothing artfully cut off (just for you, araeph!), he decided he wanted her. So he decides to let her think something happened, even though she wasn't the one who was drunk so it seems like she'd know that nothing did happen. But, hey, maybe she's as stupid as he is.
NOTES: *yawn*
I generally try to stay away from Sues like this that aren't spectacularly bad, just, you know, really sucky. But since I've given you guys some true horrors over the last few days I figured I'd tone it down juuuust a little. Until tommorow. This Suethor, at least, knows how to punctuate a sentence.
Also, I was charmed by this lovely and modest tidbit from her bio:
"I've been a writer for over seven years - that's seven years of quality material, not the junk you scratch out when you're starting."
I wonder where she's hiding the quality material. It's certainly not here.
After seven years you'd think she wouldn't suffer from that common badficcer's problem of not knowing when the fuck to end a chapter. Did someone make a new rule that I don't know about? Must 98% all chapters of all stories now end after about 650 words and in the middle of a scene?
You'd also think that she'd write better descriptions... and better prose in general... and a plot that hasn't already been done a billion times in the exact same way... and know the difference between "your" and "you're."
Ah well, I guess not everything gets better with time.
EXCERPT:
The 698,327,609,201st Sue to end up sharing a bed with Jack through contrivance. Because of this, I'm far too bored by the fic to give a commentary.
Jack could tell Brenna was suspicious. Her eyes had widened and her face had lost some of it’s color.
"What are you talking about?" It came out of her full lips as nearly a whisper.
“As soon as your father finds out your missin’, luv, he’ll hop onto the nearest ship an’ sail th’ high seas lookin’ for me. When he comes aboard, I’m going to kill ‘im.”
Brenna laughed, but the sound contained no mirth. “Mr. Sparrow-”
“CAPTAIN Sparrow, if ye please.”
She sighed then looked him in the face, any trace of fear gone. “Captain Sparrow, all you’ve done is succeed in getting me killed. My father will not come looking for me. When he finds out your trying to get to him through me, he’ll send an assassin to be rid of me so that he can protect his beloved secrets.” She threw her hands up. “You’ve gained nothing from this, save those thrice-blasted rubies.”
Jack picked up the rum bottle from the desk and finished it in one long draught. “Well, luv, ye’d better get settled fer a long trip. Th’ man will die if I ‘ave t’ track ‘im down meself.” He flashed her a grin. “Savvy?”
================================================
Brenna sat in a highbacked chair across from Jack, picking at her dinner. Her stomach was twisted up in knots, and food was the last thing on her mind. Finally deciding to stop arguing with the main course, she set her fork down and pushed her plate away.
Jack hadn’t eaten much, but had, instead, finished another bottle of rum. He was drunk, she could tell. Occasionally he would sway in his chair, blink hard, then widen his eyes as if trying to focus them. He was definitly drunk.
He stood, holding onto the table, then staggered over to the bed. “G’night, luv,” he mumbled before collapsing face down on the bed.
Sighing in irritation, she stood and went over to the prone body of the Captain. She put her face as close to his as was possible with him lying arse-up. Believing he had passed out completely, she nudged him hard to make sure.
He mumbled something in his sleep, but thankfully didn't stir.
Brenna glanced around the room, her eyes lighting on the cabins only exit door. She tried the knob and it was locked. Blast!
"But where is the bloody key?" she wondered aloud. She glanced over at Jack and it hit her. In his coat.
She tried hard to shove him onto his back, but to no avail. He easily outweighed her. She crawled onto the bed and wedged her shoulder underneath his ribs and managed to roll him to his side, where he flopped the rest of the way over on his own.
Chewing lightly on her bottom lip, Brenna carefully eased the lapel of his smoky black coat away from his chest. Her hand slipped inside an inch.
He shifted in his sleep and she jerked her hand away like she'd grabbed hot coals. She watched him carefully until his breathing evened out, then went back for his pocket.
A muscular arm snaked around her waist and she was pulled flush against the sleeping pirate. Every inch of their covered flesh touched from knee to chest and Brenna was more aware of him than she'd been of any man in her entire life.
She glanced up to his face, expecting the see his rum colored eyes smirking down at her, but he was still sleeping with the profound deepness of the intoxicated. Very gently, she tried to remove herself from his embrace, but soon found herself in deeper waters as his other hand tangled in the hair at the back of her head and her face ended up buried in the crook of his neck.
If she struggled, she would be caught in the act of trying to steal his keys, or he would think she ended up this way by choice, which, in her mind would be worse than any punishment he could muster.
Exhausted from trying to roll him over, she drifted off, fighting her drooping eyelids the whole way.
=============================================
The ringing in his ears woke him. Immediately, he noticed something was off.
The warm body wrapped around his was distinctly female, and although he was enjoying the mystery woman's presence, he was still confused by it. He made it a point not to bring wenches on board and the only other inhabitant in this room was...
His eyes flew open, and sure enough, his suspicions were confirmed.
He wasn't going to kid himself that he'd managed to seduce the lass while downing two bottles of rum. He was probably lucky he'd remembered to lock up the knives before opening the rum bottles. He'd have to be a little more selective about the times he got drunk, considering that the lass had a dead-eye aim with a dagger.
Shrugging off his oversight, he took in the woman before him. Her sun-streaked chestnut hair was spread like silk over the pillow behind her head, and long, thick lashes fell across her cream colored skin, hiding captivating green eyes.
She snuggled closer to him in her sleep, her eyes openeing slowly.
She jumped away from him, blushing furiously.
Jack smirked. Truth be told, he didn't remember a bloody thing after opening that second botlle of rum, but she didn't need to know that.
TITLE: The Captain's Lady Ah, yet another promising title.
CULPRIT: Tora-tora
SUMMARY: "The daughter of a famous thief is captured by Captain Sparrow to be used for ransom, but when the time comes, will they be able to let each other go? Rated R for later chapters." Oh, the suspense.
BEST LINE: “Well, luv, ye’d better get settled fer a long trip. Th’ man will die if I ‘ave t’ track ‘im down meself.” An oldy but a goody: absurd, letter-dropping, irish, pirate accents.
THE VERDICT
It's time for a keelhauling.
NAME: Brenna Gunn
EYES: "brilliant green eyes" "captivating green eyes"
HAIR: "sun-streaked chestnut hair was spread like silk over the pillow behind her head"
DISTINGUISHING FEATURES: "long, thick lashes fell across her cream colored skin"
OH SO SPESHUL POSSESSIONS: Some rubies. Presumably her father, the thief, stole them.
OBNOXIOUS AND/OR IMPLAUSIBLE ORIGIN: The daughter of some thief. She's sailing away with some rubies he stole on a boat that her brother got her. She's probably betrayed her father because he didn't love her enough or pay attention to her when she was a kid or let her be a thief like all the boys or something.
OBNOXIOUS AND/OR IMPLAUSIBLE CANON CONNECTIONS/AFFILIATIONS: Is going to be Jack's one true love.
SOOPER SPESHUL ABILITIES: She throws knives good.
THE "PLOT": Sue's ship is taken by the Black Pearl. Jack wants the rubies. They're hidden on Sue's person. He enjoys watching her squirm as he cuts her clothes off to look for the rubies. It's mildly disturbing. But not because I fear for the Sue or feel any sympathy for her at all, but because I'm disgusted that someone would write Jack taking erotic pleasure in making some girl think he was going to rape her. Anyway, he doesn't do a very good job of looking since he doesn't look in her shoes or in the folds of her skirt, which is where the rubies are. He does however come back into the cabin once she's removed some of them from their hiding places, for reasons unknown to me. Jack threatens to take the last of her clothing if she doesn't tell him where the gems are. If she does tell him he'll let her roam free on the ship. Because this Jack is an idiot. I was under the impression that if you threaten someone to get them to do something, if they do it then they don't get the threat carried out. Not they don't get the threat carried out then get extra shit too. Anyway, for some reason Jack hates Sue's father and wants to kill him and is using Sue to lure him out. Sue says that her father will just send assassins to kill her to protect some sort of secrets or something. Who knows. Who cares. I just hope the assassins get there fast. Sue changes to some new clothes and throws a knife at Jack, just because she can, I guess. They have dinner, Jack gets drunk and passes out while she's in the room with him, because as previously mentioned this Jack is an idiot. She tries to get the keys off of his person but ends up in bed with his arms around her, like all Sues do whenever a bed and their lust-object are anywhere in the general vicinity. Apparently, rolling Jack onto his back is such strenuous exercise that Sue falls asleep. Jack wakes up and thinks that Sue is purdy. Earlier, after she was all TEH HAWT while thinking she was going to be raped and having her clothing artfully cut off (just for you, araeph!), he decided he wanted her. So he decides to let her think something happened, even though she wasn't the one who was drunk so it seems like she'd know that nothing did happen. But, hey, maybe she's as stupid as he is.
NOTES: *yawn*
I generally try to stay away from Sues like this that aren't spectacularly bad, just, you know, really sucky. But since I've given you guys some true horrors over the last few days I figured I'd tone it down juuuust a little. Until tommorow. This Suethor, at least, knows how to punctuate a sentence.
Also, I was charmed by this lovely and modest tidbit from her bio:
"I've been a writer for over seven years - that's seven years of quality material, not the junk you scratch out when you're starting."
I wonder where she's hiding the quality material. It's certainly not here.
After seven years you'd think she wouldn't suffer from that common badficcer's problem of not knowing when the fuck to end a chapter. Did someone make a new rule that I don't know about? Must 98% all chapters of all stories now end after about 650 words and in the middle of a scene?
You'd also think that she'd write better descriptions... and better prose in general... and a plot that hasn't already been done a billion times in the exact same way... and know the difference between "your" and "you're."
Ah well, I guess not everything gets better with time.
EXCERPT:
The 698,327,609,201st Sue to end up sharing a bed with Jack through contrivance. Because of this, I'm far too bored by the fic to give a commentary.
Jack could tell Brenna was suspicious. Her eyes had widened and her face had lost some of it’s color.
"What are you talking about?" It came out of her full lips as nearly a whisper.
“As soon as your father finds out your missin’, luv, he’ll hop onto the nearest ship an’ sail th’ high seas lookin’ for me. When he comes aboard, I’m going to kill ‘im.”
Brenna laughed, but the sound contained no mirth. “Mr. Sparrow-”
“CAPTAIN Sparrow, if ye please.”
She sighed then looked him in the face, any trace of fear gone. “Captain Sparrow, all you’ve done is succeed in getting me killed. My father will not come looking for me. When he finds out your trying to get to him through me, he’ll send an assassin to be rid of me so that he can protect his beloved secrets.” She threw her hands up. “You’ve gained nothing from this, save those thrice-blasted rubies.”
Jack picked up the rum bottle from the desk and finished it in one long draught. “Well, luv, ye’d better get settled fer a long trip. Th’ man will die if I ‘ave t’ track ‘im down meself.” He flashed her a grin. “Savvy?”
================================================
Brenna sat in a highbacked chair across from Jack, picking at her dinner. Her stomach was twisted up in knots, and food was the last thing on her mind. Finally deciding to stop arguing with the main course, she set her fork down and pushed her plate away.
Jack hadn’t eaten much, but had, instead, finished another bottle of rum. He was drunk, she could tell. Occasionally he would sway in his chair, blink hard, then widen his eyes as if trying to focus them. He was definitly drunk.
He stood, holding onto the table, then staggered over to the bed. “G’night, luv,” he mumbled before collapsing face down on the bed.
Sighing in irritation, she stood and went over to the prone body of the Captain. She put her face as close to his as was possible with him lying arse-up. Believing he had passed out completely, she nudged him hard to make sure.
He mumbled something in his sleep, but thankfully didn't stir.
Brenna glanced around the room, her eyes lighting on the cabins only exit door. She tried the knob and it was locked. Blast!
"But where is the bloody key?" she wondered aloud. She glanced over at Jack and it hit her. In his coat.
She tried hard to shove him onto his back, but to no avail. He easily outweighed her. She crawled onto the bed and wedged her shoulder underneath his ribs and managed to roll him to his side, where he flopped the rest of the way over on his own.
Chewing lightly on her bottom lip, Brenna carefully eased the lapel of his smoky black coat away from his chest. Her hand slipped inside an inch.
He shifted in his sleep and she jerked her hand away like she'd grabbed hot coals. She watched him carefully until his breathing evened out, then went back for his pocket.
A muscular arm snaked around her waist and she was pulled flush against the sleeping pirate. Every inch of their covered flesh touched from knee to chest and Brenna was more aware of him than she'd been of any man in her entire life.
She glanced up to his face, expecting the see his rum colored eyes smirking down at her, but he was still sleeping with the profound deepness of the intoxicated. Very gently, she tried to remove herself from his embrace, but soon found herself in deeper waters as his other hand tangled in the hair at the back of her head and her face ended up buried in the crook of his neck.
If she struggled, she would be caught in the act of trying to steal his keys, or he would think she ended up this way by choice, which, in her mind would be worse than any punishment he could muster.
Exhausted from trying to roll him over, she drifted off, fighting her drooping eyelids the whole way.
=============================================
The ringing in his ears woke him. Immediately, he noticed something was off.
The warm body wrapped around his was distinctly female, and although he was enjoying the mystery woman's presence, he was still confused by it. He made it a point not to bring wenches on board and the only other inhabitant in this room was...
His eyes flew open, and sure enough, his suspicions were confirmed.
He wasn't going to kid himself that he'd managed to seduce the lass while downing two bottles of rum. He was probably lucky he'd remembered to lock up the knives before opening the rum bottles. He'd have to be a little more selective about the times he got drunk, considering that the lass had a dead-eye aim with a dagger.
Shrugging off his oversight, he took in the woman before him. Her sun-streaked chestnut hair was spread like silk over the pillow behind her head, and long, thick lashes fell across her cream colored skin, hiding captivating green eyes.
She snuggled closer to him in her sleep, her eyes openeing slowly.
She jumped away from him, blushing furiously.
Jack smirked. Truth be told, he didn't remember a bloody thing after opening that second botlle of rum, but she didn't need to know that.