not that I'm bitter or anything
Robert and I ended up going to breakfast that next morning, but it didn't go how I had hoped AT ALL. It was awkward and he was doing to best to talk about other things to not make it awkward but I was just too upset to have any of it and said some pretty hurtful things. I guess he knows me better than I know myself since all he says in response was that he knew I was just saying things to get a response out of him, how it was not going to work, and that he knew what he did to me was shitty, but that he didn't like me continually rubbing his nose in it. Since then, he's completely shut down. We've maybe shared 10 words in the past week.
He told me that I should be "handling it better" about this whole situation when he saw me crying once. Um, FUCK YOU. You're the one who did this to me and how dare you tell me how I should be handling it? Anyway, I've been trying to start "handling it better" since last week since nothing else I am doing is getting me anywhere. Want me to stop making it awkward? Fine. Want me to stop having the same conversation with you over and over about how hurt I am? Fine. Want me to not say anything to Ashlee and cause a scene? Fine. Want me to not text you or send you Words with Friend requests or not sit next to you on the couch? Fine. But deep down, I am in agony.
AND IT'S STILL NOT GETTING ME ANYWHERE. I have been the god damn poster child for making it "easier" on him, and he's still shitting on my face. Yesterday, he and John were playing (MY) Rockband until John quit and Robert was playing by himself. I join in on guitar and suddenly, Bob doesn't want to play anymore and runs to Ashlee's side. Anna, who saw the whole thing, was even like, "Damn, that was fucked up." Apparently, later, John told him (in front of Ashlee) that he's the only one making things awkward and he's needs to stop. All any of us want is for all if us to be able to hang out together and have fun. I sort of love John.
I don't think I could have asked for any better roommates than John and Anna. Before, I always sort of saw them as "Bob's friends" but the past two weeks have brought us pretty close and there is no way I'd make it through this without them. It's one thing for me to talk to Annie and Carly about everything and have them comfort me, but John and Anna were there. They've seen everything. They saw me and Robert together and how happy we were. They've heard him go on and on about how done with Ashlee he his and how she's a fucking bitch. They see now exactly what he's doing to me and don't respect him a single bit for it. They're taking my side over his and essentially, I feel like this is a small battle that I have "won". They make me feel better about myself and that this is not all in my head. They make me feel that I'm not simply acting out in petty jealously, but that I'm actually a victim here and have every right to be feeling what I feel. The two of them also act as enablers to me since they'll tell me all the things Bob says about me behind my back, so there's that.
John and Anna can see how Robert's become this completely different, shell of the human he used to be and want "Old Bob" back. We've agreed that we need to set up a house meeting of sorts and get all this bullshit aired out, but no one really has the determination to set it up. Ashlee should be there for this, as well. It should be made clear that SHE DOESN'T LIVE HERE and that I FUCKING DO and therefore AM NOT GOING ANYWHERE. She needs to back the fuck up and stop cleaning our house. (God that bugs me so bad.) Don't be washing my dishes and I certainly don't want her touching my shit while cleaning my bathroom. I also see her eating my food and drinking my bottles of water that I buy. She's around 24/7 and given the nights I've gone to Justin's house, she's slept more in my apartment than I have. Despite me having only said a grand total of two things to her ("Can we put this box in your car?" and "No") in my entire life, I hate her more than any single thing on the planet. She could cure cancer and I'd still be convinced she kicks puppies and eats babies. I know all my anger and hurt is on Robert, but it feels better aiming at her. I feel absolutely convinced that if she were to take a long walk off a short bridge, all my problems would be solved. It's a fucked up, girl-on-girl hate sort of way of thinking that sets the female movement back, but I don't gives fuck. A while ago, Robert once told me while we were post-coitus that Ashlee gets absolutely no sexual pleasure from the act of sex. Like, its not just that she can't orgasm, but like the act of sex doesn't even feel good for her? Or something? I don't know, I didn't ask detailed questions about it. At the time I thought it was kind of sad. Now, I'm like, WELL NO WONDER SHE'S SUCH A LIFE-RUINING, STUCK-UP, FUCKING CUNT.
He told me that I should be "handling it better" about this whole situation when he saw me crying once. Um, FUCK YOU. You're the one who did this to me and how dare you tell me how I should be handling it? Anyway, I've been trying to start "handling it better" since last week since nothing else I am doing is getting me anywhere. Want me to stop making it awkward? Fine. Want me to stop having the same conversation with you over and over about how hurt I am? Fine. Want me to not say anything to Ashlee and cause a scene? Fine. Want me to not text you or send you Words with Friend requests or not sit next to you on the couch? Fine. But deep down, I am in agony.
AND IT'S STILL NOT GETTING ME ANYWHERE. I have been the god damn poster child for making it "easier" on him, and he's still shitting on my face. Yesterday, he and John were playing (MY) Rockband until John quit and Robert was playing by himself. I join in on guitar and suddenly, Bob doesn't want to play anymore and runs to Ashlee's side. Anna, who saw the whole thing, was even like, "Damn, that was fucked up." Apparently, later, John told him (in front of Ashlee) that he's the only one making things awkward and he's needs to stop. All any of us want is for all if us to be able to hang out together and have fun. I sort of love John.
I don't think I could have asked for any better roommates than John and Anna. Before, I always sort of saw them as "Bob's friends" but the past two weeks have brought us pretty close and there is no way I'd make it through this without them. It's one thing for me to talk to Annie and Carly about everything and have them comfort me, but John and Anna were there. They've seen everything. They saw me and Robert together and how happy we were. They've heard him go on and on about how done with Ashlee he his and how she's a fucking bitch. They see now exactly what he's doing to me and don't respect him a single bit for it. They're taking my side over his and essentially, I feel like this is a small battle that I have "won". They make me feel better about myself and that this is not all in my head. They make me feel that I'm not simply acting out in petty jealously, but that I'm actually a victim here and have every right to be feeling what I feel. The two of them also act as enablers to me since they'll tell me all the things Bob says about me behind my back, so there's that.
John and Anna can see how Robert's become this completely different, shell of the human he used to be and want "Old Bob" back. We've agreed that we need to set up a house meeting of sorts and get all this bullshit aired out, but no one really has the determination to set it up. Ashlee should be there for this, as well. It should be made clear that SHE DOESN'T LIVE HERE and that I FUCKING DO and therefore AM NOT GOING ANYWHERE. She needs to back the fuck up and stop cleaning our house. (God that bugs me so bad.) Don't be washing my dishes and I certainly don't want her touching my shit while cleaning my bathroom. I also see her eating my food and drinking my bottles of water that I buy. She's around 24/7 and given the nights I've gone to Justin's house, she's slept more in my apartment than I have. Despite me having only said a grand total of two things to her ("Can we put this box in your car?" and "No") in my entire life, I hate her more than any single thing on the planet. She could cure cancer and I'd still be convinced she kicks puppies and eats babies. I know all my anger and hurt is on Robert, but it feels better aiming at her. I feel absolutely convinced that if she were to take a long walk off a short bridge, all my problems would be solved. It's a fucked up, girl-on-girl hate sort of way of thinking that sets the female movement back, but I don't gives fuck. A while ago, Robert once told me while we were post-coitus that Ashlee gets absolutely no sexual pleasure from the act of sex. Like, its not just that she can't orgasm, but like the act of sex doesn't even feel good for her? Or something? I don't know, I didn't ask detailed questions about it. At the time I thought it was kind of sad. Now, I'm like, WELL NO WONDER SHE'S SUCH A LIFE-RUINING, STUCK-UP, FUCKING CUNT.