The world is not a nice place for me right now.
I'm done. I give up. Fate seems to want to kick me and the people I love most hardest while we're down. I was apparently stupid when I attempted to do something for myself, I should have instead focused on work and bills and being content with the fucked up way that I was made. It was a nice dream to have for a while, thinking I could be pretty someday, and obviously that's all that it should have been, a dream.
$2,500 of my own money is what I'm supposed to pay for my oral surgery after my insurance. I have to have a dental cat scan done because the oral surgeon couldn't get a clear view of where some of my teeth are so he's not quite sure where he'll have to operate yet. That alone is $350, then the rest of the $2500 is for the actual surgery/anesthesia/pain meds to take the stupid teeth out. So even if I didn't pay bills, didn't buy groceries, didn't put gas in the car, and saved EVERYTHING that I would make... it would take me over two months to save that amount of money. And who knows, it would probably take longer than that because my hours have been cut since they hired five new people in the past two months.
I'm so tired of having to work so incredibly hard for every single thing in my life to go right. I don't mind working hard, some things should be hard to achieve and when you get them done, you're able to feel proud of yourself. But I'm flat broke, and unable to save one damned penny for even the slightest rainy day. For instance: last month I paid a hundred dollars to fix one of the brake pads on the car that absolutely had to be replaced, and it completely fucked me over, and I still haven't recovered. I've borrowed money from both of my parents, which I'll have to pay back at some point but who knows when that will be. I'm barely able to afford rent in the apartment we're currently at, and our lease is up in a month and everywhere we've looked so far it seems to me that our new place will cost even more. I haven't been able to evenly contribute in buying groceries for I don't know how long. I am able to keep gas in the car, but that seems like the tiniest of victories and sometimes it gets so close that I'm not sure I'll be able to get to the station before the car runs out.
I can't see the end anymore. I'm running out of ways to make ends meet and out of the sanity I most desperately need right now.
I cried the entire way home from Lexington. I feel so used up and foolish for entertaining the notion that I could be pretty. That I could look normal. It's not worth it.
$2,500 of my own money is what I'm supposed to pay for my oral surgery after my insurance. I have to have a dental cat scan done because the oral surgeon couldn't get a clear view of where some of my teeth are so he's not quite sure where he'll have to operate yet. That alone is $350, then the rest of the $2500 is for the actual surgery/anesthesia/pain meds to take the stupid teeth out. So even if I didn't pay bills, didn't buy groceries, didn't put gas in the car, and saved EVERYTHING that I would make... it would take me over two months to save that amount of money. And who knows, it would probably take longer than that because my hours have been cut since they hired five new people in the past two months.
I'm so tired of having to work so incredibly hard for every single thing in my life to go right. I don't mind working hard, some things should be hard to achieve and when you get them done, you're able to feel proud of yourself. But I'm flat broke, and unable to save one damned penny for even the slightest rainy day. For instance: last month I paid a hundred dollars to fix one of the brake pads on the car that absolutely had to be replaced, and it completely fucked me over, and I still haven't recovered. I've borrowed money from both of my parents, which I'll have to pay back at some point but who knows when that will be. I'm barely able to afford rent in the apartment we're currently at, and our lease is up in a month and everywhere we've looked so far it seems to me that our new place will cost even more. I haven't been able to evenly contribute in buying groceries for I don't know how long. I am able to keep gas in the car, but that seems like the tiniest of victories and sometimes it gets so close that I'm not sure I'll be able to get to the station before the car runs out.
I can't see the end anymore. I'm running out of ways to make ends meet and out of the sanity I most desperately need right now.
I cried the entire way home from Lexington. I feel so used up and foolish for entertaining the notion that I could be pretty. That I could look normal. It's not worth it.