i don't know anymore
I haven't responded... And it isn't because I hate you, and it isn't because I don't forgive you, it's just...
I'm totally at a loss for what to say to you... I...
I guess every time it gets harder and harder for me to figure out what to say. Every time I feel less and less disappointed and angry about it. I haven't felt angry towards you for a long time, and to be honest I haven't really given a ton of thought to you. But I have been reading what you write and thinking about how things used to be, especially because my life has been changing so fast in these past years, the past seems a lot better than the future at times...
Everyone tells me that you're bad news, and that I've given you too many chances in the past and this last time should have been good bye for reals... But I don't agree with them. I've grown up a lot in these two years, and I feels like we always have fights for idiotic reasons and I always just forgive you because I understand you. And now you understand you, too. That's just the way you are... And it hurts me every time, but I love you too much to let that ruin how I feel about you.
You've grown up a lot, too. I'm so proud of you and I'm so excited for you and I just wish that I could be a part of your life to share the good times with you and to have someone to talk to about the bad... So many things go wrong all the time, it's hard for me to remember that I'm important and that I'm not all alone. I have lost almost everyone from my childhood. I've lost all my friends from when I had a bunch. It's hard for me to look around and see how desolate I've become in recent years. I do have friends... But they have their own lives and are in much different places than I am. I feel like you have reached the point I'm at, or at least are getting very close to where I am.
I miss you often. I wish that it was easier for you to treat me the way I need to be treated and I wish it was easier for me to be the friend you need me to be. I am selfish now. I live for myself now. And to be honest I don't really think that's a bad thing...
All this time I've lived for others. For you, for my parents, for strangers... I don't think you were ready for that when it happened. I think our whole fight was a matter of you being immature and me being too mature. I'm sorry things happened the way they did. And I'm sorry that you felt so angry about it.
I know you blamed things on me. And I can understand why you would do that... I did it to people too. It's just an easy way around having to face yourself. I'm glad you said something. I love to listen to you when it isn't all negative or when it isn't all about me. I loved knowing that I could always be there for you and you know that I could listen and understand what you were saying... You leaving me that comment made me feel a lot better about my life and about myself. It's hard to change... Sometimes it's just impossible to change. I respect you coming out and just saying it. I appreciate it.
I miss having you around. I miss hanging out with you. I miss you when you were happy. When you liked yourself... Or at least when you didn't talk about how ugly you felt or things like that... When we talked about boys and things. Random crap... What happened?
I hope soon you can find something that will help you or make you change. It's easy to see once we look, what's wrong with us, but it's much, much harder to see how to fix those things once they've been identified. Maybe we can help each other...
I hope this makes sense and doesn't offend you. I don't think it's how i wanted to say it, but it's the best I can do right now...
So what do you say?
I'm totally at a loss for what to say to you... I...
I guess every time it gets harder and harder for me to figure out what to say. Every time I feel less and less disappointed and angry about it. I haven't felt angry towards you for a long time, and to be honest I haven't really given a ton of thought to you. But I have been reading what you write and thinking about how things used to be, especially because my life has been changing so fast in these past years, the past seems a lot better than the future at times...
Everyone tells me that you're bad news, and that I've given you too many chances in the past and this last time should have been good bye for reals... But I don't agree with them. I've grown up a lot in these two years, and I feels like we always have fights for idiotic reasons and I always just forgive you because I understand you. And now you understand you, too. That's just the way you are... And it hurts me every time, but I love you too much to let that ruin how I feel about you.
You've grown up a lot, too. I'm so proud of you and I'm so excited for you and I just wish that I could be a part of your life to share the good times with you and to have someone to talk to about the bad... So many things go wrong all the time, it's hard for me to remember that I'm important and that I'm not all alone. I have lost almost everyone from my childhood. I've lost all my friends from when I had a bunch. It's hard for me to look around and see how desolate I've become in recent years. I do have friends... But they have their own lives and are in much different places than I am. I feel like you have reached the point I'm at, or at least are getting very close to where I am.
I miss you often. I wish that it was easier for you to treat me the way I need to be treated and I wish it was easier for me to be the friend you need me to be. I am selfish now. I live for myself now. And to be honest I don't really think that's a bad thing...
All this time I've lived for others. For you, for my parents, for strangers... I don't think you were ready for that when it happened. I think our whole fight was a matter of you being immature and me being too mature. I'm sorry things happened the way they did. And I'm sorry that you felt so angry about it.
I know you blamed things on me. And I can understand why you would do that... I did it to people too. It's just an easy way around having to face yourself. I'm glad you said something. I love to listen to you when it isn't all negative or when it isn't all about me. I loved knowing that I could always be there for you and you know that I could listen and understand what you were saying... You leaving me that comment made me feel a lot better about my life and about myself. It's hard to change... Sometimes it's just impossible to change. I respect you coming out and just saying it. I appreciate it.
I miss having you around. I miss hanging out with you. I miss you when you were happy. When you liked yourself... Or at least when you didn't talk about how ugly you felt or things like that... When we talked about boys and things. Random crap... What happened?
I hope soon you can find something that will help you or make you change. It's easy to see once we look, what's wrong with us, but it's much, much harder to see how to fix those things once they've been identified. Maybe we can help each other...
I hope this makes sense and doesn't offend you. I don't think it's how i wanted to say it, but it's the best I can do right now...
So what do you say?