Crapping Job: Year in Review
Pending a thumbs up from the feds, I have a new job to hate. I have at least 4 submission deadlines to meet in the next month, one in the next 5 days in a medium I've never tried. I stopped smoking & have been sleeping irregularly for the past couple of months. I ripped myself out of the grime of a crap relationship & the shame that came with it. I bought a new pair of glasses to replace the substitute pair I sacrificed to the lake gods, a new pair that sopped up my useless-toys funds. There's a waitress that keeps leaving me notes on my receipts when I order some pick-up & I'm not sure I should ask her out because my life is as unstable as my mind.
Considering that each of those has more layers to over-analyze, I've been in a surprisingly good mood the past few months. Even getting laid off felt like a relief. The year's been taxing, both in new & familiar ways, but most of it was either chalked up or balanced with fun distractions. I was sour about my art-farts, but that's because I felt obligated to work on them due to the spare time, even though I didn't want to because I hate working on something without that instance of inspiration that takes it beyond the ideas in the sketch. I had two recently, so the next month shouldn't feel as loaded as the deadlines imply. Plus, I have one to work on for shiggles & another that, depending how the research practice goes, will dent the shit out of my doubts, just on execution alone. Not to mention, the song of the wall painting still wants to be sung.
I still have my deja-vu days, pissing away the time with TV shows & thoughts about the inevitable death of energy & its consumption in the universe. The mourning, regret, guilt, & shame still roll in waves, but in that form, they pass on thru, becoming ever more weaker. My free will is solidifying, although atomically so, bringing along all the entropy & flexibility that's included. I feel like a sand sculpture holding up in the tide & its currents, fully aware of my temporal state & that my mind won't leave a carcass.
Considering that each of those has more layers to over-analyze, I've been in a surprisingly good mood the past few months. Even getting laid off felt like a relief. The year's been taxing, both in new & familiar ways, but most of it was either chalked up or balanced with fun distractions. I was sour about my art-farts, but that's because I felt obligated to work on them due to the spare time, even though I didn't want to because I hate working on something without that instance of inspiration that takes it beyond the ideas in the sketch. I had two recently, so the next month shouldn't feel as loaded as the deadlines imply. Plus, I have one to work on for shiggles & another that, depending how the research practice goes, will dent the shit out of my doubts, just on execution alone. Not to mention, the song of the wall painting still wants to be sung.
I still have my deja-vu days, pissing away the time with TV shows & thoughts about the inevitable death of energy & its consumption in the universe. The mourning, regret, guilt, & shame still roll in waves, but in that form, they pass on thru, becoming ever more weaker. My free will is solidifying, although atomically so, bringing along all the entropy & flexibility that's included. I feel like a sand sculpture holding up in the tide & its currents, fully aware of my temporal state & that my mind won't leave a carcass.