LOG: Oshitari, Atobe
Who: Oshitari Yuushi, Atobe Keigo
When: The day before Yuushi leaves for India
Where: Atobe's house
Summary: Yuushi can't leave without having a heart-to-heart with his friend about something important.
Warning/Rating: PG, just in case, but nothing awful
Player Comments: I got nothin'. ^^;
Comments/Crits Allowed: Yes
It was not getting done. It just wasn’t. There were presents yet to wrap and he’d not even thought about trees. There was so much to do and so little time to do it in. It felt like he hadn’t a moment for himself in forever. And deep down he knew why. Busy was a great excuse. But he really was busy. There was so much to make sure was perfect for his mother arrived sometime in the long distant winter future. And everything had to be perfect for her. Everything. Yet, it was all sitting there, not getting done. Because he was just sitting there. Atobe was just sitting there, looking at all the things he needed to do. He’d never felt so unmotivated in his life, and he had no idea where all his energy had gone to. And though busy was a great excuse, protecting him from distraction, he would well have paid good money for distraction at the moment. And of course, the world always did its very best to cater to Ore-sama’s every whim. And distraction came in the form of a familiar drawl at his front door and a familiar pair of fake glasses. Atobe just didn’t have it in him to tell Yuushi to go away because he was busy; instead, he put on his best “gracious host act” and answered the door.
“Come all the way here to give me your regards before your trip, ahn? Do, please come inside. I’ll have the maid bring you some tea. Don’t mind the mess. I’m trying to teach the presents to wrap themselves at the moment.”
Yuushi sighed as he made his way to Keigo's house. He had things to do, packing that still needed to be done, and yet he was not only not doing it, he was taking the long way to his friend's. And he knew damn well why he was doing it. His friend... wasn't happy. Hadn't been for a while, and he'd seen it. He'd talked to him about it at the tennis camp, and things hadn't improved at all since then. He'd seen his friend bow and mollify and lower himself to another because he erroneously believed such a thing was love, and Yuushi... couldn't sit back and watch anymore. Here he was, about to go on a romantic getaway with his love, but he couldn't leave without at least saying something to Keigo. He had to get it off his chest, or it would eat away at him and make him miserable. Not as miserable as his friend seemed to be, though, and that was what brought him to the door of a certain palatial mansion. He knocked and was quickly admitted by said friend, another sign of his distraction as he usually didn't answer the door himself.
"Thank you, but I'm afraid my regards come with a much... deeper discussion. Can you tear yourself away from performing Jedi mind tricks so that we can speak in private?"
Yes, it was strange for him to answer the door. He had servants for that, but it had been a welcome distraction. Though he had a feeling from that face, that utter serious expression. He knew it did not bode well when the Osakan had that expression on his face. Still, he wasn’t just going to be a poor host. His own sense of grandeur would not allow for it. Surely, Yuushi was aware of that. It was obvious that Yuushi had somehow peered behind the smoke and the mirrors and registered the flippant comment as the screen it was.
“Ah, but Jedi mind tricks are in vogue this year. I rather like this one… this is not the conversation you want to have with me.” Atobe waved his hand regally before Yuushi’s face knowing full well that it wasn’t going to work but hoping that he got the drift. After all, he had a feeling what a conversation with Yuushi might imply with that expression. “I suppose we can go into the gentleman’s lounge. It’s private there.” He stopped in his steps because a maid had already come by with tea, just the way the tensai liked it.
Yuushi just rolled his eyes at the blatant attempt to divert him, and was not swayed. While it was good to see the real Keigo, the one who would say ridiculous things like that to him and trusted him not to hurt him for it, this was a conversation that should have happened before now, and he would not put it off any longer. He moved to follow his friend, stopping only long enough to accept his tea with a smile just shy of flirtatious (he was a taken man now, after all) before continuing on his way to the lounge indicated. He tugged at Keigo's sleeve at the other's hesitation, forcing his friend along whether he wanted to go or not. They would have this conversation, and he would see to it that his friend was as happy as he could make him. He could be yelled at and told it wasn't his place and all manner of other things, but in the end, if Keigo came to a realization and was happier fro it, that was all that mattered. Not even a threat to end their friendship would sway him now.
Once they were in the lounge, he settled himself into a comfortable armchair and waited for Keigo to do the same. "I know you have a good idea of what this is about, so why don't you start first, ne? Say what you think about the situation before you hear what I have to say." And anything Keigo said in defense, Yuushi planned to knock down in counter-argument. He'd out-logic and out-talk his friend, and make him see the truth.
There was a scowl. He did not approve of being pulled about by the sleeve. Any other time, he might have had a royal fit. He wouldn’t have hesitated to throw all sorts of pompous words in Yuushi’s face about the act. He was not a dog to be dragged about. But the fact that he didn’t automatically do it was a sure sign that things were not at all right with Keigo. He also seemed not to make his usual comments about Yuushi’s mocking the name of the gentleman’s lounge just by sitting in it. Even his scathing wit seemed to fail him. Probably because Keigo did realize the seriousness of whatever matter Yuushi was here to pursue.
He waited for Yuushi to sit and took his seat across from the other, so that he could look the other in the eye. So that his fabled insight to take in all the subtly and nuances of Oshitari Yuushi. Knowing full well that Yuushi was a hard bastard to read, even on the best of days. There was only one harder and that because he had taken some advice and stopped trying to look. He crossed one leg over the other in another regal display. A king and his chief advisor. “I could take a rather large stab in the dark. I could also be flippant and say that you have come here to tell me that you are eloping on your trip and wish ore-sa…my blessing. But I have a feeling that this is about the same topic that was already dealt with and put to bed at the camp…am I right? Well, this is my take. It’s a dead topic.” He uncrossed his legs with finality of a man off to the gallows. “And if it’s not, I’d prefer to kill it tonight and give it a proper funeral.”
Yuushi smothered a snicker, his glasses glinting as he watched his friend sit in his normal manner and then listened to him speak. He'd known it wouldn't be easy. With Keigo, it never was. Two stubborn people butting heads was always a long and difficult talk. But his friend had left at least one gaping hole for Yuushi to pick at and expose, not to mention everything else he knew about the situation. That was one benefit of having a gossip for a best friend: you knew everyone's dirty laundry, often without even needing to ask. He wondered how his friend was going to react to him knowing quite so much... intimate information, but he felt it was something else Keigo needed to know: that that information was out there for people to hear.
"You know, I've noticed you correcting yourself like that more and more lately, replacing 'oresama' with another, more acceptable word. I suppose his training you like an errant dog has finally started paying off." He took a sip of his tea to let that statement sink in, humming in pleasure when he found it perfect as always. "I suppose soon enough he'll have you wearing a leash in public and jumping to do whatever it is he tells you to do." There was no need to say who he was. They both knew from the beginning who this entire conversation would be about; names were redundant.
"And from what I hear, that's not far off. I understand he's already using your authority to justify ordering other people around. I suppose being buchou of one team wasn't enough, he wants to order around his sempai-tachi as well."
There were a lot of wounds to be exposed. Many that he had seen himself. Seen and summarily ignored. Ignored because he supposed it was better. It was better to turn a blind eye and pretend that his life like was like Yuushi’s, when it was so painfully obvious that it was not. But how was he supposed to know? It wasn’t like he had learned the fine art of romance. That wasn’t one of the things an heir to the Atobe fortune needed to learn. He was fumbling though it. Making mistakes. He knew that, but he was Atobe Keigo and even his worst mistakes were the greatest thing since sliced bread. Or so he wished. He knew deep down that was not true. Just as he knew deep down that Yuushi wasn’t just going to shut up and go away.
The dig about his correction of himself was something that made his temper flare. It was there in his eyes. That burning angry, challenging look. Daring Yuushi to say it again. Promising silently that swift painful death or worse might follow in the wake of such a repeat. For that moment, the old Keigo seemed to have returned. But he supposed Yuushi would see it that way. And he knew he had no retort that would paint himself or the situation in a good light. His tone was cold and distant. “Just because you have sick fantasies don’t mean I share them.”
The set of his jaw changed and there was a slight disbelief. He had not known. And it bothered him that he had not realized. “I will make sure to discuss that with him the next time we are together at his dojo…” He trailed off. Rare for Keigo. He never didn’t finish a thought, ever.
Yuushi frowned, his eyes taking on a sad cast that he hoped his friend didn't see. He couldn't help it. It was obvious that Keigo was trying to see things through until the bitter end. Mistakes were fine, less-than-perfect relationships were still good, but what was happening with him and... He sighed again, his heart threatening to break fro his friend's sake. This was more than just a love gone sour. This relationship was poison, and it was killing him slowly but surely. It hadn't gotten him completely, that much was obvious by his flare-up over Yuushi's deliberate provocation. That was something that made Yuushi extremely relieved, that his friend hadn't been completely broken by the abusive nature of what was between him and his 'love'. However, his inability to correct Yuushi, or even deflect it any better than he did with such a deliberate misinterpretation, meant that he'd hit the nail on the head, and they both knew it.
He cringed at the expression on his friend's face, and his half-hearted decision to discuss the matter with the boyfriend in question that he couldn't even finish with any sort of decisiveness. No, this was not the same Keigo he'd known months ago, and it made him sad to see the changes. He'd have to walk a fine line though. Too much pity, not enough understanding, and he'd get Keigo defensive and argumentative, and they'd never get anywhere. So, he'd start off with the basics.
"Keigo, you are... very unhappy. This isn't like you. You aren't like you, not anymore. He's slowly but surely been altering you to fit his idea of 'acceptable', and you've allowed it out of your feelings to him. If he really loved you, he wouldn't be changing you. He wouldn't be treating you like he has been."
It was just like Keigo though to want to see things though to the end no matter what. He was a man of his word and even if it was hard, nearly impossible, he did his best to keep that word. A man was only as good as his promises after all. But hadn’t he also promised Yuushi to talk about things like this? Hadn’t he sworn that he’d talk more about his relationship with someone whom he knew? Who knew him? And he had not. He’d done his best to keep things to himself, keep his friends from doing just this. He didn’t need people questioning his love. His feelings. After all, the person in question wasn’t very vocal about his feelings.
He sighed softly and sunk further back into his seat, to stare at the ceiling. “So, you really think I’m unhappy.” It was not a question. “Yes, he has dragged me outside of my comfort zone. I’ve worn jeans, Yuushi. I’ve eaten take out pizza. I’ve watched distasteful media.” But none of those were dates. They had all happened inside his boyfriend’s house. He couldn’t remember ever even being on a date. Not once, since they had gotten together. That alone was upsetting. But he brushed those thoughts aside. “These are not things I would have normally even thought about doing. But don’t you think it’s also broadened my horizons. Aren’t people supposed to change for those they love?” That was a question, because Yuushi was the only one he knew that knew more about things like romance than anyone he could readily name.
He reached out for his own tea but did not drink. Instead, he just glared over the cup. “Though if I must be frank, it is vaguely upsetting to me that I still can’t think of reason. Tell me, oh love guru, what are your reasons. Oh teach me the ways of love.”
Yuushi let a second tick by, then a couple more. It wouldn't do to get riled up and get angry. Arguing would solve nothing, "I'm not talking about pulling you out of your comfort zone, nor am I referring to the changes people voluntarily make of their own free will to make themselves more worthy of the one they love. I mean the way he degrades you and treats you like a shameful secret, and you allow it. There is a difference between changing because you want to or think you need to, and being hit until you change. He doesn't do it to broaden your horizons, Keigo; he does it so you'll be what he wants, regardless of what you were before he started in on you. The very fact that he objects to something in you, and wants it changed, is a huge sign that tings weren't going to work out."
He paused, considering for a moment. "Have you thought, Keigo, that perhaps you can't find a reason because, when it comes down to it, your reason is the desire for it to be love? That perhaps the lack of things in him that you can point to and say, 'This is why,' is telling?
"And while I am no guru, I do know my own heart, which seems to be more than you can say at the moment. I know that Touji makes me laugh, and he makes me very warm and happy. He challenges me emotionally and mentally. He returns the connection and the feelings I have for him. He's fearless, which makes me want to change for him, so I can be a better person and deserve him more. We had intimacy long before we became physical, and we do intimate things that have nothing to do with sexuality. We connect on a level I've never known was possible, and I just can't see myself being this happy with anyone else, ever. There is nothing in him I would change, nothing that I don't accept as part of him and that I love regardless of whether it could be considered good or bad. That, to me, is love. Can you honestly say the same of your relationship, my friend?" He took another sip of his tea, willing himself a good dose of patience.
He swallowed slowly and placed the cup down so that he wouldn’t have it to hide behind. Because Atobe didn’t hide behind things. He really didn’t. He would not hide behind a teacup. He didn’t know if the silence ticking between them was a good thing. Atobe knew that the longer the silence lasted the more opportunity that Yuushi had to formulate a scheme. A plan. An argument. Silence was the enemy when the tensai was involved. Never give him time to think, plan, and formulate was the way to fight against him. Keigo knew this, but he just didn’t have the heart to attack and not let the other have that time. Because he really was curious. He really did want to know what it was he was doing wrong. So he could fix it. And what was worse was that he could see Yuushi’s argument. He could see it and understand it.
“He told me once that he hated Ore-sama…that I wasn’t Ore-sama. And he calls me Kei…never Keigo.” And oh, there was so much more he could complain about. So much more, if he really let himself. More so, there was the fact that Yuushi might have been right. He couldn’t think of anything because he wanted so badly to have love. To have someone who loved him for him. But the one he loved wouldn’t even let Keigo spoil him and that was one of Atobe’s greatest pleasures. To spoil the hell out of others. But a part of him just didn’t want to see it. A part of him wanted badly to believe in the rare ‘I love you’s.
He frowned a little more and shifted in his seat while Yuushi spoke. He was sure that his slight jealousy was radiating from him. “We’re…all physical.” He finally admitted quietly. “And when I talk about having him up in high school division, it’s never that he wants to see me at lunch to share my gourmet bento. It’s that he wants to christen a closet…” He finally reached for his tea and he sipped lightly, in a dignified manner. “No. I can’t honestly say those things you just said.”
"That..." Yuushi stopped, taking a deep breath and reminding himself that even blind anger was still no match for kobujutsu training, and he'd get his ass handed to him if he rushed off and tried to hurt the absent boy. "Keigo... that's not love. Which is really not what you want to hear, I understand, but it's true. That's just... wrong on so many levels I don't even know where to begin." He stopped again. "No, that's a lie, I do know where. That he can hate any part of you is... no, just NO. I don't care if it is a part of you that's pompous and acts like an ass sometimes, it's still you and you have feelings, feelings he obviously has no respect for." His eyes dared Keigo's to look away.
"You can admit that he picks and chooses what to accept about you. You can admit he only seems interested in sex, never intimacy. I think... you need to admit the root of it all. In the end, Keigo, he doesn't respect you enough as a person and a human being to love you. You're... good enough to use, to have around for now, but he doesn't really love you. I don't know if he's ever said those 'three little words' to you, but if he has... I don't believe him. He doesn't treat you like he does, and it's painfully obvious to everyone else around you that he's making you unhappy because of it."
He smoothed his face, his voice taking on a conciliatory tone. "I know you don't want to abandon something without seeing it through to the end. You're an honorable man, and you don't want to call it quits so quickly. But Keigo... there are times when it is better to concede that you went into something without knowing all the facts, and you made a bad decision because he kept certain things from you until it was too late. I know you didn't start this relationship knowing he was like this, but now that you do, it's sheer stubbornness that's keeping you in it, not even love on your part! Or am I wrong?" The look on Yuushi's face clearly said he didn't think he was.
Yuushi started to talk and then suddenly stopped. That was strange. He rarely saw that. He rarely saw Yuushi nearly lose himself to anything but his own mask of calm. He had never thought to see that expression in regards to him. He though that look, that slip was best kept for that wild little boy who had stolen their tensai away. “You are finally right about something. You are to be congratulated.” He set his teacup aside to golf clap at Yuushi. A small mockery, if only to make himself feel a little better about the hurtful truth staring him in the face. “It’s not something I want to hear at all.” Because even with selective hearing, there was no way to tune things out and glean only those things he wanted.
“I can. I know he detests my social persona. Perhaps because he is so anti-social...won’t even come to the manner. And I suppose I could tell you that we’ve already had that argument, he and I. About the fact that I can be frigid and that he feels that he’s the only one that wants it. But he’s said it, Yuushi. He’s said it to me. He looked me in the eyes and he told me he loved me. People don’t look me in the eyes and lie to me, Yuushi, because they knew I can tell.” That was the rumor at least, because of that uncanny insight. That insight that always failed him with it came to the person they were speaking of.
He chuckled softly, but it was not his normal laugh. It hurt a little. “I’ve never walked away from anything, Yuushi. Never. And you’ve said it before. That he and I are like Mother and Father. They worked it out. I’m sure that they deeply love each other…even if no one sees it. And it would be a failure. A massive failure on my part if I couldn’t get it to work out. But no, you aren’t wrong. You aren’t wrong, you know-it-all bastard, and I wish I knew what to do about it that would save my pride and not end with me being the laughing stock of the dating world.”
Yuushi's face and voice turned slightly reproachful. "Such sarcasm and hurtful words do not make mine less truthful. It's high time you used that famed insight of yours to see the truth, not just the fantasy you wanted to believe in. And perhaps he has looked you in the eye, Keigo, but did you have the courage to look back into his? Or were you afraid of what you would see? That you might see a lie where you wanted it to be truth? Perhaps with others, you could tell, but we both know you can't with him. You won't let yourself, because you already know what I'm saying is right. You've known for a while now. I let it slide before, thinking that it was your paranoia. I let it go because I thought time would prove you wrong. I shouldn't have, because things have only gotten worse since then. Now he's become blatant in his disregard for you, and I can't take it anymore."
He sighed, listening to his friend admit that he didn't love his boyfriend, and feeling infinitely sad because of it. But at least he had admitted it. That was the first step. "Regardless of what your parents do, Keigo, you and he are not them. You can't base your decision on what your parents do, because you're nothing alike. As for what you should do... My only answer is to let it go. You are in a relationship that could be classified as abusive. You stay for those small, rare moments when things seem to work out, never mind the hours and weeks and months between them when things most decidedly don't work. Walk away from it and him, and trust yourself enough to find someone else someday, someone who will treat you as you should be treated. And no, it's not as easy as it sounds, but it is possible. Your pride... should not suffer so much, when your heart can claim no compensation."
“Yes, I quite agree. Sarcasm has no room in this conversation, except for the fact that using it makes me feel a bit better about myself and the situation at present. It makes me feel that I’m not talking to my best friend about something that I should be able to have handled on my own. It makes me feel that I’m not a slight bit jealous over what you and your boyfriend share because I’m Atobe Keigo, and I should only have the very best of everything. And here, you are telling me that I’ve settled instead of excelling. You can see why sarcasm can be a catharsis to me. However, I can distinctly remember someone telling me not to use my insight. That same someone told me that I should stop trying to look at things and read into them.” Not that he was blaming Yuushi for that. It had been some of the best advice he had ever been given. It had shielded his heart when reality was crashing down more and more leaving him feel cold and empty whenever another failed date ended with him at his boyfriend’s house, doing things that were certainly worthy of those tasteless movies.
And though he had admitted he didn’t love the person he had been sleeping with, he was sure there were many couples out there that didn’t love their partner. A lot of men in his world had a wife and then they had mistresses on the side. Not that his father did. And not that Atobe would. He had known the moment he had allowed his heart to be stolen away by that surly attitude and that gruff exterior that he couldn’t do such a thing. Because he was a faithful man…and he knew that the other was possessive, very much so. He could still remember the jealousy that had come from just a simple test on his online journal.
“Let it go. You make it sound so easy. It’s not Yuushi. It’s not easy at all. And if you must know, I’m aware of the classification. I was sincerely hoping that it was a phase. Not with me, as I’ve discovered that I rather do enjoy the company of men romantically. And not like that. I was hoping that he would calm down, open up. Just as he felt that he was the only one who ever wanted…intercourse, I think I feel that I’m the only one of us that wants companionship. I doubt though that even a special trip that that chateaux would help matters.” He finished his tea and stated, rather bluntly, “Even worse is that it’s almost Christmas time, and all those presents you say, still unwrapped, not one of them is for him. Because even when I invite him to come over and share my fireplace, he declines, because the servants loom.” He laughed at that, as not once had the servants come anywhere near the lounge since their arrival and wouldn’t show up until they were summoned…like good servants.
Leaning forwards, Atobe frowned, obviously about to say something distasteful. “Yuushi, do you really think I made a mistake, falling in love?”
Yuushi let a big sigh escape. "I don't think falling in love was a mistake. I just don't think... that what the two of you have is love. If it was, you wouldn't be able to question it, Keigo. You'd know it so firmly in your heart that nothing could dissuade you. I do think you've made a mistake... keeping things going for this long, when it's gotten to this point. At the camp, I knew something was wrong, but I had to hear from others just how wrong it was. I'm not happy. For your sake, Keigo, I'm not happy. And no, I know you never asked it of me, but you are one of my best friends. I refuse to ignore this situation.
"I know it isn't easy. There are times to fight it out, to defy everyone, and stay with the one you love. You know I'd advocate that above all, simply because that's what I believe in. But this... this isn't love. This is one person giving and giving and giving, and one person taking and taking and taking. That's not a balanced relationship. You wouldn't stay with a gold digger, would you? Hiyoshi... is using you, and I can't even figure out if it's for your name or your power or your money or sex or what, but he's using you for what he wants and refusing to give you what you ask for in return. He abuses you, but because he dangles one smidgeon of affection for you to grab once in a blue moon, you justify it all and say that it's just the way he is, that it's okay because you cling to those small bits of 'proof' that he does care."
Yuushi placed his teacup on the table and rose suddenly. He took one step toward his friend, then another. "Stand up, Keigo." He had to do something to make his friend see. He had to show him, to make him understand. He only hoped he could reach him with this.
It was annoying. It was damn annoying that Yuushi could be so concise. So knowledgeable. Even more so when Keigo know that just like him, this was Yuushi’s first real try at love. Well the first that didn’t have him forgetting everything in order to protect himself and the one he cared about. A noble effort that had worked out for the best anyway. But it was galling that Yuushi could be so noble while he, the self-proclaimed king, was struggling and fighting and clawing his way through. But at the same time, he knew he needed to hear that. He needed to know he hadn’t made a mistake. That it had been okay to open up and let someone matter to him in such a massive since. “Of course I never asked for it. You know I don’t like asking for help. Besides, even if I didn’t ask, you’d be here anyway, because you are a nosy meddling bastard.” There was no bite behind the insult. He was really rather grateful to the nosy meddling Yuushi. Because it was confirming things he didn’t want to have to confront. Making him see things in a way he hadn’t wished to look.
“I wouldn’t.” He agreed. “You know that I detest people like that. Besides, I already give freely. I enjoy doing so. You know that.” He also knew that other than very brief encounters with his mother, Atobe didn’t receive much in the way of affection. Affection had no place in a boardroom. So perhaps he had been ensnared by something that seemed so new and real to him. It bothered him that he had missed it. The obvious signs and it made him think that perhaps he needed to start to look for them too. That he needed to forget the original advice he had been given and take this instead. But at the same time, it was something he didn’t think he wanted to lose, because those small tiny sheds had been really all too nice.
He was about to say so when Yuushi rose. Keigo blinked. He frowned at the request but found himself doing so anyway. When he did, he raised to his full height, not caring that Yuushi was taller. It didn’t matter. He was the master at looking down at people, even when they loomed over him. “This had better be good, because Ore-sama was rather comfortable in his chair.” even that didn’t’ have much bite, because he was curious. Surely. Surely, Yuushi had a reason for this.
"First of all, yes, it is. You have no clue what I'm about to do, do you? Yet you trust me to have a good reason for it and to not hurt you. Continue to trust me, Keigo." Yuushi took the last two steps toward his friend, reaching out, pulling the shorter boy into a tight embrace, and holding him there. The two of them stood in silence for a few minutes/ Yuushi simply held his friend, one hand on his back and another cradling his head while he laid his cheek against the other's hair, and let him have the affection he knew the other needed so badly. "This, Keigo. This is what you don't even get when he tells you those words, when he asks you over so you can have sex with no emotional impact. This is the one thing your so-called love should have, sex or no sex. But you can't touch him like this, can you? Not even as a friend. He refuses to give this to you, and you allow it because you say it's just who he is.
"Who he is... isn't good enough. Even if it is his personality, that just proves that he's too immature to handle a relationship. He needs to grow up, to see that there is more to it than getting sex and holding power over you. That's not love. This is. What I feel for you... is platonic. No sex involved. But I love you as a friend, and we can do this because I care for you, and for all your blustering, you care for me too. This is what you need to find, and it will have to be from someone else." He pulled back enough to look his friend in the eye. "It won't be easy, but Keigo, you know very few get it right the first time they try dating. It's too complicated to always work out, even if you go in trying to succeed. I'm willing to bet that your parents both had other people before they met. However they've worked themselves out, I don't want you to think it's that or nothing." He ruffled Keigo's hair a little, looking his friend in the eye. "But you deserve better than those small shreds of affection he condescended to give you. You deserve... so much more, Keigo."
His eyes went wide when he was held like that. He stood for a moment, in shock and a few second alter found him almost holding back. Almost returning the hug. It was an unfair move but it was a lot more than he had gotten recently. And he really couldn’t help but mutter against Yuushi before he was released. A small mutter and one he didn’t mean as an insult at all, but a high compliment. “Yuushi. You hug like Kabaji.” Which was why he hadn’t really needed the speech about it being fraternal love. Because that he was well aware of. He knew a platonic hug very well. And what hurt more was that Yuushi was right. In recent memory, he didn’t think there was a single time that he had hugged Hiyoshi unless there was sex involved in some way. He was sure he had, but at the moment, he doubted there had ever really been a time. Not unless he demanded a hug. But that would be different because then it wouldn’t be freely given.
He almost smiled to, as the speech wore on. Yuushi had been taking notes it seemed. He certainly knew how to turn a phase. “Of course I care for you. Why else would I allow you to darken the door of the gentleman’s lounge when you are such a stretch to that definition?” And why else was he keeping Yuushi’s secret still. Waiting for that moment when he was allowed to unlock those buried memories. And why else would he not wretch at the idea of anyone with his father but his mother. “And you know me…I like a challenge…probably a little too much.” His expression changed. He had been pacified. Mollified by the world and by the hug that he had not been expecting, but the look he gave Yuushi when his perfect hair was suddenly rendered imperfect was almost better than a verbal thank you. “Yes... I do deserve more. I deserve a best friend who doesn’t mess up the hair I took so long to make presentable. I can’t trade you in for a better model so I suppose I’m stuck with you. “
“But now, I think it’s my turn. Think of it as a first step. Hold out your hand.”
Yuushi laughed at the comment about his hugging, and again when his friend's expression and voice grew tart over his perfect hair being mussed. It was good to see that he hadn't damaged their friendship with this talk. He'd wanted the best for Keigo, not to add to his burden but to help him let go of the painful burden he carried already. But it seemed that he had come to some sort of decision, his face had a look of peace to it Yuushi hadn't seen in a long time. And while he knew things were far from over, at least now, it seemed, they were moving in the right direction.
"No, i believe you're stuck with me, but you can give over and admit that I'm everything you want in a friend. In fact, I think you're just huffy because I'm taken now." He winked to show he was joking and smirked at his friend. His face grew thoughtful again at the demand, but he trusted his friend. He held his hand out, wondering what Keigo would do.
It felt good to smile, even just a little. He’d not done so in a while. It would take a bit before he was smirking confidently again. But right now, a small smile and some good-natured ribbing was what he really needed. He also knew this would take baby steps. A part of him knew that he would have to be careful. If he wasn’t, he and Yuushi might have to have this wholly unpleasant conversation again. And he didn’t think a second time would end as well as this one seemed to. After all, even good-natured Osakans had their limits of patience. And smug bastard Osakans had even less.
“Yes…I’ve run out time on the 30 day money back guarantee. So I’ll have to keep you until I can sell you off. I’m sure annoying Osakan will go well on eBay.” His tone though, it said he was glad. He was glad that Yuushi was a taken man. That Yuushi did have happiness. Because if Yuushi could do it, then damn it, so could he. But for right now, he was taking a step. Just one little step. And of course even his tiniest step looked like a Broadway Show Stopper.
With a flourish, he pulled a small key from his pocket. “While regifting is a dreadfully tacky package, I am willing to forgo eBay and just wrap you up and give you to the love of your life. But it will come at a cost. You have to take this too.” He pressed the key into Yuushi’s hand. The key to a chateau in Corsica. A place that had been meant as a retreat for himself and his lover for when they just needed to get away from it all. If he gave Yuushi the key, then Keigo knew he would not be tempted to go there again and once more try to fix things. “Take it, all right. And use it in good health.”
Yuushi looked for a moment at the key, all joking gone as he weighed the importance of the gesture against the slight weight of the filigreed metal in his hand. He knew what this meant, of course. This was a declaration. His friend was through trying to fix things, through with giving the relationship one more chance. Yuushi felt tears sting his eyes for his friend's sake, but quickly blinked them away. There was a huge difference between urging his friend to give up on something that was making him so unhappy, and knowing that the decision had just become quite real. But the first step in the process was lancing the wound and cleaning it out, which was always quite painful. Only then could the healing begin. He found he couldn't pocket the key instantly, though, instead holding it up between the two of them.
"I'll take it back for now. I could actually use it for Christmas. But know this, my friend. I take it back on loan, and with the understanding that someday you will find someone to go there with. Someone for whom you feel so strongly, you'll be able to go there and feel no ghosts from the past disturbing your stay. You will be so happy that nothing will stop you from creating new, happy memories in that house again. I look forward to regifting your regift, my friend. I look forward to the day when your heart feels as mine does about someone." And on that day, his heart would bear nothing but happiness for his friend, who truly did deserve someone who loved him unconditionally. With a light bop on Keigo's nose with the key, Yuushi slipped it into his pocket, smiling.
"You know, you won't be alone in this, right? I'll be there for you, and I won't be the only one. You'll have your friends with you 100%. It'll take time, but... this is the right decision."
That key. It meant everything and the moment he had pressed it into Yuushi’s hand, it had been like a weight had suddenly been lifted. It was still, there, looming, of course, but it had lessoned. And in fact, as sad as he was to see it go, he knew this had to be done. It had to be. “Just be sure when it comes back to me, you tell me which bed you end up in, so I don’t end up in the same one myself…“ He knew it was grave and that humor was not allowed, but he was Atobe Keigo and he was allowed to make such comments. Besides, there was a deeper meaning to that gesture. It was another proof that despite his stuck up attitude and his better than you outlook, he once again was blessing his friend’s romantic endeavors. “And we must be careful, so that it doesn’t become in vogue. Who knows, we could start a while new trend. Exchanging keys to expensive villas like they’re trading cards.” Still, he sincerely hoped that Yuushi was right. Then again, Yuushi had that annoying habit of being right when it really counted.
“I realize that. I realize that if you came all the way here instead of packing, that you’re behind me. And I’m sure Kabaji will support me.” Still, he would need time. He knew that. “And when mother comes…I believe I should talk to her about this all. Because I told her I wanted her to meet him… But Yuushi…” For a moment, he stood there, awkward, then it was gone and the old, bold, devil-may-care Atobe was back. He hugged Yuushi tightly, a brotherly hug. “Don’t you dare think of sending me a bouquet of ‘I told you so’s’….but thank you.” It was a serious thank you.
Yuushi chuckled a little, feeling that the humor was the best indication that his friend would indeed be alright in time. "I'll make sure you know, because whichever one I end up in I may end up in again, whether or not you're there, and I don't want you stealing it from me." But he smiled softly, genuinely, at the acceptance of his relationship that Keigo had now given twice. His friend had had a difficult time of it at first, but time had proven that Touji was a good person, and Keigo had finally seen it for himself.
He nodded sadly when Keigo spoke of talking to his mother about what had happened, but Yuushi knew that the woman would support his decision to separate once she knew what had really been going on. "She'll understand," he said simply, leaving it at that. Yes, the woman would be sympathetic and loving and give his friend the affection he so desperately needed. The affection he was now demanding from Yuushi as he pulled the tensai into another hug. Well, that was a surprise.
He could have cried at the thank you, but then he never would have heard the end of it from his friend, so he simply held the other for as long as Keigo wanted. "You're welcome," he rumbled quietly, feeling at peace now. Things would be okay. His friend would be okay. And he'd help him get through it, even if he was thousands of miles away.
When: The day before Yuushi leaves for India
Where: Atobe's house
Summary: Yuushi can't leave without having a heart-to-heart with his friend about something important.
Warning/Rating: PG, just in case, but nothing awful
Player Comments: I got nothin'. ^^;
Comments/Crits Allowed: Yes
It was not getting done. It just wasn’t. There were presents yet to wrap and he’d not even thought about trees. There was so much to do and so little time to do it in. It felt like he hadn’t a moment for himself in forever. And deep down he knew why. Busy was a great excuse. But he really was busy. There was so much to make sure was perfect for his mother arrived sometime in the long distant winter future. And everything had to be perfect for her. Everything. Yet, it was all sitting there, not getting done. Because he was just sitting there. Atobe was just sitting there, looking at all the things he needed to do. He’d never felt so unmotivated in his life, and he had no idea where all his energy had gone to. And though busy was a great excuse, protecting him from distraction, he would well have paid good money for distraction at the moment. And of course, the world always did its very best to cater to Ore-sama’s every whim. And distraction came in the form of a familiar drawl at his front door and a familiar pair of fake glasses. Atobe just didn’t have it in him to tell Yuushi to go away because he was busy; instead, he put on his best “gracious host act” and answered the door.
“Come all the way here to give me your regards before your trip, ahn? Do, please come inside. I’ll have the maid bring you some tea. Don’t mind the mess. I’m trying to teach the presents to wrap themselves at the moment.”
Yuushi sighed as he made his way to Keigo's house. He had things to do, packing that still needed to be done, and yet he was not only not doing it, he was taking the long way to his friend's. And he knew damn well why he was doing it. His friend... wasn't happy. Hadn't been for a while, and he'd seen it. He'd talked to him about it at the tennis camp, and things hadn't improved at all since then. He'd seen his friend bow and mollify and lower himself to another because he erroneously believed such a thing was love, and Yuushi... couldn't sit back and watch anymore. Here he was, about to go on a romantic getaway with his love, but he couldn't leave without at least saying something to Keigo. He had to get it off his chest, or it would eat away at him and make him miserable. Not as miserable as his friend seemed to be, though, and that was what brought him to the door of a certain palatial mansion. He knocked and was quickly admitted by said friend, another sign of his distraction as he usually didn't answer the door himself.
"Thank you, but I'm afraid my regards come with a much... deeper discussion. Can you tear yourself away from performing Jedi mind tricks so that we can speak in private?"
Yes, it was strange for him to answer the door. He had servants for that, but it had been a welcome distraction. Though he had a feeling from that face, that utter serious expression. He knew it did not bode well when the Osakan had that expression on his face. Still, he wasn’t just going to be a poor host. His own sense of grandeur would not allow for it. Surely, Yuushi was aware of that. It was obvious that Yuushi had somehow peered behind the smoke and the mirrors and registered the flippant comment as the screen it was.
“Ah, but Jedi mind tricks are in vogue this year. I rather like this one… this is not the conversation you want to have with me.” Atobe waved his hand regally before Yuushi’s face knowing full well that it wasn’t going to work but hoping that he got the drift. After all, he had a feeling what a conversation with Yuushi might imply with that expression. “I suppose we can go into the gentleman’s lounge. It’s private there.” He stopped in his steps because a maid had already come by with tea, just the way the tensai liked it.
Yuushi just rolled his eyes at the blatant attempt to divert him, and was not swayed. While it was good to see the real Keigo, the one who would say ridiculous things like that to him and trusted him not to hurt him for it, this was a conversation that should have happened before now, and he would not put it off any longer. He moved to follow his friend, stopping only long enough to accept his tea with a smile just shy of flirtatious (he was a taken man now, after all) before continuing on his way to the lounge indicated. He tugged at Keigo's sleeve at the other's hesitation, forcing his friend along whether he wanted to go or not. They would have this conversation, and he would see to it that his friend was as happy as he could make him. He could be yelled at and told it wasn't his place and all manner of other things, but in the end, if Keigo came to a realization and was happier fro it, that was all that mattered. Not even a threat to end their friendship would sway him now.
Once they were in the lounge, he settled himself into a comfortable armchair and waited for Keigo to do the same. "I know you have a good idea of what this is about, so why don't you start first, ne? Say what you think about the situation before you hear what I have to say." And anything Keigo said in defense, Yuushi planned to knock down in counter-argument. He'd out-logic and out-talk his friend, and make him see the truth.
There was a scowl. He did not approve of being pulled about by the sleeve. Any other time, he might have had a royal fit. He wouldn’t have hesitated to throw all sorts of pompous words in Yuushi’s face about the act. He was not a dog to be dragged about. But the fact that he didn’t automatically do it was a sure sign that things were not at all right with Keigo. He also seemed not to make his usual comments about Yuushi’s mocking the name of the gentleman’s lounge just by sitting in it. Even his scathing wit seemed to fail him. Probably because Keigo did realize the seriousness of whatever matter Yuushi was here to pursue.
He waited for Yuushi to sit and took his seat across from the other, so that he could look the other in the eye. So that his fabled insight to take in all the subtly and nuances of Oshitari Yuushi. Knowing full well that Yuushi was a hard bastard to read, even on the best of days. There was only one harder and that because he had taken some advice and stopped trying to look. He crossed one leg over the other in another regal display. A king and his chief advisor. “I could take a rather large stab in the dark. I could also be flippant and say that you have come here to tell me that you are eloping on your trip and wish ore-sa…my blessing. But I have a feeling that this is about the same topic that was already dealt with and put to bed at the camp…am I right? Well, this is my take. It’s a dead topic.” He uncrossed his legs with finality of a man off to the gallows. “And if it’s not, I’d prefer to kill it tonight and give it a proper funeral.”
Yuushi smothered a snicker, his glasses glinting as he watched his friend sit in his normal manner and then listened to him speak. He'd known it wouldn't be easy. With Keigo, it never was. Two stubborn people butting heads was always a long and difficult talk. But his friend had left at least one gaping hole for Yuushi to pick at and expose, not to mention everything else he knew about the situation. That was one benefit of having a gossip for a best friend: you knew everyone's dirty laundry, often without even needing to ask. He wondered how his friend was going to react to him knowing quite so much... intimate information, but he felt it was something else Keigo needed to know: that that information was out there for people to hear.
"You know, I've noticed you correcting yourself like that more and more lately, replacing 'oresama' with another, more acceptable word. I suppose his training you like an errant dog has finally started paying off." He took a sip of his tea to let that statement sink in, humming in pleasure when he found it perfect as always. "I suppose soon enough he'll have you wearing a leash in public and jumping to do whatever it is he tells you to do." There was no need to say who he was. They both knew from the beginning who this entire conversation would be about; names were redundant.
"And from what I hear, that's not far off. I understand he's already using your authority to justify ordering other people around. I suppose being buchou of one team wasn't enough, he wants to order around his sempai-tachi as well."
There were a lot of wounds to be exposed. Many that he had seen himself. Seen and summarily ignored. Ignored because he supposed it was better. It was better to turn a blind eye and pretend that his life like was like Yuushi’s, when it was so painfully obvious that it was not. But how was he supposed to know? It wasn’t like he had learned the fine art of romance. That wasn’t one of the things an heir to the Atobe fortune needed to learn. He was fumbling though it. Making mistakes. He knew that, but he was Atobe Keigo and even his worst mistakes were the greatest thing since sliced bread. Or so he wished. He knew deep down that was not true. Just as he knew deep down that Yuushi wasn’t just going to shut up and go away.
The dig about his correction of himself was something that made his temper flare. It was there in his eyes. That burning angry, challenging look. Daring Yuushi to say it again. Promising silently that swift painful death or worse might follow in the wake of such a repeat. For that moment, the old Keigo seemed to have returned. But he supposed Yuushi would see it that way. And he knew he had no retort that would paint himself or the situation in a good light. His tone was cold and distant. “Just because you have sick fantasies don’t mean I share them.”
The set of his jaw changed and there was a slight disbelief. He had not known. And it bothered him that he had not realized. “I will make sure to discuss that with him the next time we are together at his dojo…” He trailed off. Rare for Keigo. He never didn’t finish a thought, ever.
Yuushi frowned, his eyes taking on a sad cast that he hoped his friend didn't see. He couldn't help it. It was obvious that Keigo was trying to see things through until the bitter end. Mistakes were fine, less-than-perfect relationships were still good, but what was happening with him and... He sighed again, his heart threatening to break fro his friend's sake. This was more than just a love gone sour. This relationship was poison, and it was killing him slowly but surely. It hadn't gotten him completely, that much was obvious by his flare-up over Yuushi's deliberate provocation. That was something that made Yuushi extremely relieved, that his friend hadn't been completely broken by the abusive nature of what was between him and his 'love'. However, his inability to correct Yuushi, or even deflect it any better than he did with such a deliberate misinterpretation, meant that he'd hit the nail on the head, and they both knew it.
He cringed at the expression on his friend's face, and his half-hearted decision to discuss the matter with the boyfriend in question that he couldn't even finish with any sort of decisiveness. No, this was not the same Keigo he'd known months ago, and it made him sad to see the changes. He'd have to walk a fine line though. Too much pity, not enough understanding, and he'd get Keigo defensive and argumentative, and they'd never get anywhere. So, he'd start off with the basics.
"Keigo, you are... very unhappy. This isn't like you. You aren't like you, not anymore. He's slowly but surely been altering you to fit his idea of 'acceptable', and you've allowed it out of your feelings to him. If he really loved you, he wouldn't be changing you. He wouldn't be treating you like he has been."
It was just like Keigo though to want to see things though to the end no matter what. He was a man of his word and even if it was hard, nearly impossible, he did his best to keep that word. A man was only as good as his promises after all. But hadn’t he also promised Yuushi to talk about things like this? Hadn’t he sworn that he’d talk more about his relationship with someone whom he knew? Who knew him? And he had not. He’d done his best to keep things to himself, keep his friends from doing just this. He didn’t need people questioning his love. His feelings. After all, the person in question wasn’t very vocal about his feelings.
He sighed softly and sunk further back into his seat, to stare at the ceiling. “So, you really think I’m unhappy.” It was not a question. “Yes, he has dragged me outside of my comfort zone. I’ve worn jeans, Yuushi. I’ve eaten take out pizza. I’ve watched distasteful media.” But none of those were dates. They had all happened inside his boyfriend’s house. He couldn’t remember ever even being on a date. Not once, since they had gotten together. That alone was upsetting. But he brushed those thoughts aside. “These are not things I would have normally even thought about doing. But don’t you think it’s also broadened my horizons. Aren’t people supposed to change for those they love?” That was a question, because Yuushi was the only one he knew that knew more about things like romance than anyone he could readily name.
He reached out for his own tea but did not drink. Instead, he just glared over the cup. “Though if I must be frank, it is vaguely upsetting to me that I still can’t think of reason. Tell me, oh love guru, what are your reasons. Oh teach me the ways of love.”
Yuushi let a second tick by, then a couple more. It wouldn't do to get riled up and get angry. Arguing would solve nothing, "I'm not talking about pulling you out of your comfort zone, nor am I referring to the changes people voluntarily make of their own free will to make themselves more worthy of the one they love. I mean the way he degrades you and treats you like a shameful secret, and you allow it. There is a difference between changing because you want to or think you need to, and being hit until you change. He doesn't do it to broaden your horizons, Keigo; he does it so you'll be what he wants, regardless of what you were before he started in on you. The very fact that he objects to something in you, and wants it changed, is a huge sign that tings weren't going to work out."
He paused, considering for a moment. "Have you thought, Keigo, that perhaps you can't find a reason because, when it comes down to it, your reason is the desire for it to be love? That perhaps the lack of things in him that you can point to and say, 'This is why,' is telling?
"And while I am no guru, I do know my own heart, which seems to be more than you can say at the moment. I know that Touji makes me laugh, and he makes me very warm and happy. He challenges me emotionally and mentally. He returns the connection and the feelings I have for him. He's fearless, which makes me want to change for him, so I can be a better person and deserve him more. We had intimacy long before we became physical, and we do intimate things that have nothing to do with sexuality. We connect on a level I've never known was possible, and I just can't see myself being this happy with anyone else, ever. There is nothing in him I would change, nothing that I don't accept as part of him and that I love regardless of whether it could be considered good or bad. That, to me, is love. Can you honestly say the same of your relationship, my friend?" He took another sip of his tea, willing himself a good dose of patience.
He swallowed slowly and placed the cup down so that he wouldn’t have it to hide behind. Because Atobe didn’t hide behind things. He really didn’t. He would not hide behind a teacup. He didn’t know if the silence ticking between them was a good thing. Atobe knew that the longer the silence lasted the more opportunity that Yuushi had to formulate a scheme. A plan. An argument. Silence was the enemy when the tensai was involved. Never give him time to think, plan, and formulate was the way to fight against him. Keigo knew this, but he just didn’t have the heart to attack and not let the other have that time. Because he really was curious. He really did want to know what it was he was doing wrong. So he could fix it. And what was worse was that he could see Yuushi’s argument. He could see it and understand it.
“He told me once that he hated Ore-sama…that I wasn’t Ore-sama. And he calls me Kei…never Keigo.” And oh, there was so much more he could complain about. So much more, if he really let himself. More so, there was the fact that Yuushi might have been right. He couldn’t think of anything because he wanted so badly to have love. To have someone who loved him for him. But the one he loved wouldn’t even let Keigo spoil him and that was one of Atobe’s greatest pleasures. To spoil the hell out of others. But a part of him just didn’t want to see it. A part of him wanted badly to believe in the rare ‘I love you’s.
He frowned a little more and shifted in his seat while Yuushi spoke. He was sure that his slight jealousy was radiating from him. “We’re…all physical.” He finally admitted quietly. “And when I talk about having him up in high school division, it’s never that he wants to see me at lunch to share my gourmet bento. It’s that he wants to christen a closet…” He finally reached for his tea and he sipped lightly, in a dignified manner. “No. I can’t honestly say those things you just said.”
"That..." Yuushi stopped, taking a deep breath and reminding himself that even blind anger was still no match for kobujutsu training, and he'd get his ass handed to him if he rushed off and tried to hurt the absent boy. "Keigo... that's not love. Which is really not what you want to hear, I understand, but it's true. That's just... wrong on so many levels I don't even know where to begin." He stopped again. "No, that's a lie, I do know where. That he can hate any part of you is... no, just NO. I don't care if it is a part of you that's pompous and acts like an ass sometimes, it's still you and you have feelings, feelings he obviously has no respect for." His eyes dared Keigo's to look away.
"You can admit that he picks and chooses what to accept about you. You can admit he only seems interested in sex, never intimacy. I think... you need to admit the root of it all. In the end, Keigo, he doesn't respect you enough as a person and a human being to love you. You're... good enough to use, to have around for now, but he doesn't really love you. I don't know if he's ever said those 'three little words' to you, but if he has... I don't believe him. He doesn't treat you like he does, and it's painfully obvious to everyone else around you that he's making you unhappy because of it."
He smoothed his face, his voice taking on a conciliatory tone. "I know you don't want to abandon something without seeing it through to the end. You're an honorable man, and you don't want to call it quits so quickly. But Keigo... there are times when it is better to concede that you went into something without knowing all the facts, and you made a bad decision because he kept certain things from you until it was too late. I know you didn't start this relationship knowing he was like this, but now that you do, it's sheer stubbornness that's keeping you in it, not even love on your part! Or am I wrong?" The look on Yuushi's face clearly said he didn't think he was.
Yuushi started to talk and then suddenly stopped. That was strange. He rarely saw that. He rarely saw Yuushi nearly lose himself to anything but his own mask of calm. He had never thought to see that expression in regards to him. He though that look, that slip was best kept for that wild little boy who had stolen their tensai away. “You are finally right about something. You are to be congratulated.” He set his teacup aside to golf clap at Yuushi. A small mockery, if only to make himself feel a little better about the hurtful truth staring him in the face. “It’s not something I want to hear at all.” Because even with selective hearing, there was no way to tune things out and glean only those things he wanted.
“I can. I know he detests my social persona. Perhaps because he is so anti-social...won’t even come to the manner. And I suppose I could tell you that we’ve already had that argument, he and I. About the fact that I can be frigid and that he feels that he’s the only one that wants it. But he’s said it, Yuushi. He’s said it to me. He looked me in the eyes and he told me he loved me. People don’t look me in the eyes and lie to me, Yuushi, because they knew I can tell.” That was the rumor at least, because of that uncanny insight. That insight that always failed him with it came to the person they were speaking of.
He chuckled softly, but it was not his normal laugh. It hurt a little. “I’ve never walked away from anything, Yuushi. Never. And you’ve said it before. That he and I are like Mother and Father. They worked it out. I’m sure that they deeply love each other…even if no one sees it. And it would be a failure. A massive failure on my part if I couldn’t get it to work out. But no, you aren’t wrong. You aren’t wrong, you know-it-all bastard, and I wish I knew what to do about it that would save my pride and not end with me being the laughing stock of the dating world.”
Yuushi's face and voice turned slightly reproachful. "Such sarcasm and hurtful words do not make mine less truthful. It's high time you used that famed insight of yours to see the truth, not just the fantasy you wanted to believe in. And perhaps he has looked you in the eye, Keigo, but did you have the courage to look back into his? Or were you afraid of what you would see? That you might see a lie where you wanted it to be truth? Perhaps with others, you could tell, but we both know you can't with him. You won't let yourself, because you already know what I'm saying is right. You've known for a while now. I let it slide before, thinking that it was your paranoia. I let it go because I thought time would prove you wrong. I shouldn't have, because things have only gotten worse since then. Now he's become blatant in his disregard for you, and I can't take it anymore."
He sighed, listening to his friend admit that he didn't love his boyfriend, and feeling infinitely sad because of it. But at least he had admitted it. That was the first step. "Regardless of what your parents do, Keigo, you and he are not them. You can't base your decision on what your parents do, because you're nothing alike. As for what you should do... My only answer is to let it go. You are in a relationship that could be classified as abusive. You stay for those small, rare moments when things seem to work out, never mind the hours and weeks and months between them when things most decidedly don't work. Walk away from it and him, and trust yourself enough to find someone else someday, someone who will treat you as you should be treated. And no, it's not as easy as it sounds, but it is possible. Your pride... should not suffer so much, when your heart can claim no compensation."
“Yes, I quite agree. Sarcasm has no room in this conversation, except for the fact that using it makes me feel a bit better about myself and the situation at present. It makes me feel that I’m not talking to my best friend about something that I should be able to have handled on my own. It makes me feel that I’m not a slight bit jealous over what you and your boyfriend share because I’m Atobe Keigo, and I should only have the very best of everything. And here, you are telling me that I’ve settled instead of excelling. You can see why sarcasm can be a catharsis to me. However, I can distinctly remember someone telling me not to use my insight. That same someone told me that I should stop trying to look at things and read into them.” Not that he was blaming Yuushi for that. It had been some of the best advice he had ever been given. It had shielded his heart when reality was crashing down more and more leaving him feel cold and empty whenever another failed date ended with him at his boyfriend’s house, doing things that were certainly worthy of those tasteless movies.
And though he had admitted he didn’t love the person he had been sleeping with, he was sure there were many couples out there that didn’t love their partner. A lot of men in his world had a wife and then they had mistresses on the side. Not that his father did. And not that Atobe would. He had known the moment he had allowed his heart to be stolen away by that surly attitude and that gruff exterior that he couldn’t do such a thing. Because he was a faithful man…and he knew that the other was possessive, very much so. He could still remember the jealousy that had come from just a simple test on his online journal.
“Let it go. You make it sound so easy. It’s not Yuushi. It’s not easy at all. And if you must know, I’m aware of the classification. I was sincerely hoping that it was a phase. Not with me, as I’ve discovered that I rather do enjoy the company of men romantically. And not like that. I was hoping that he would calm down, open up. Just as he felt that he was the only one who ever wanted…intercourse, I think I feel that I’m the only one of us that wants companionship. I doubt though that even a special trip that that chateaux would help matters.” He finished his tea and stated, rather bluntly, “Even worse is that it’s almost Christmas time, and all those presents you say, still unwrapped, not one of them is for him. Because even when I invite him to come over and share my fireplace, he declines, because the servants loom.” He laughed at that, as not once had the servants come anywhere near the lounge since their arrival and wouldn’t show up until they were summoned…like good servants.
Leaning forwards, Atobe frowned, obviously about to say something distasteful. “Yuushi, do you really think I made a mistake, falling in love?”
Yuushi let a big sigh escape. "I don't think falling in love was a mistake. I just don't think... that what the two of you have is love. If it was, you wouldn't be able to question it, Keigo. You'd know it so firmly in your heart that nothing could dissuade you. I do think you've made a mistake... keeping things going for this long, when it's gotten to this point. At the camp, I knew something was wrong, but I had to hear from others just how wrong it was. I'm not happy. For your sake, Keigo, I'm not happy. And no, I know you never asked it of me, but you are one of my best friends. I refuse to ignore this situation.
"I know it isn't easy. There are times to fight it out, to defy everyone, and stay with the one you love. You know I'd advocate that above all, simply because that's what I believe in. But this... this isn't love. This is one person giving and giving and giving, and one person taking and taking and taking. That's not a balanced relationship. You wouldn't stay with a gold digger, would you? Hiyoshi... is using you, and I can't even figure out if it's for your name or your power or your money or sex or what, but he's using you for what he wants and refusing to give you what you ask for in return. He abuses you, but because he dangles one smidgeon of affection for you to grab once in a blue moon, you justify it all and say that it's just the way he is, that it's okay because you cling to those small bits of 'proof' that he does care."
Yuushi placed his teacup on the table and rose suddenly. He took one step toward his friend, then another. "Stand up, Keigo." He had to do something to make his friend see. He had to show him, to make him understand. He only hoped he could reach him with this.
It was annoying. It was damn annoying that Yuushi could be so concise. So knowledgeable. Even more so when Keigo know that just like him, this was Yuushi’s first real try at love. Well the first that didn’t have him forgetting everything in order to protect himself and the one he cared about. A noble effort that had worked out for the best anyway. But it was galling that Yuushi could be so noble while he, the self-proclaimed king, was struggling and fighting and clawing his way through. But at the same time, he knew he needed to hear that. He needed to know he hadn’t made a mistake. That it had been okay to open up and let someone matter to him in such a massive since. “Of course I never asked for it. You know I don’t like asking for help. Besides, even if I didn’t ask, you’d be here anyway, because you are a nosy meddling bastard.” There was no bite behind the insult. He was really rather grateful to the nosy meddling Yuushi. Because it was confirming things he didn’t want to have to confront. Making him see things in a way he hadn’t wished to look.
“I wouldn’t.” He agreed. “You know that I detest people like that. Besides, I already give freely. I enjoy doing so. You know that.” He also knew that other than very brief encounters with his mother, Atobe didn’t receive much in the way of affection. Affection had no place in a boardroom. So perhaps he had been ensnared by something that seemed so new and real to him. It bothered him that he had missed it. The obvious signs and it made him think that perhaps he needed to start to look for them too. That he needed to forget the original advice he had been given and take this instead. But at the same time, it was something he didn’t think he wanted to lose, because those small tiny sheds had been really all too nice.
He was about to say so when Yuushi rose. Keigo blinked. He frowned at the request but found himself doing so anyway. When he did, he raised to his full height, not caring that Yuushi was taller. It didn’t matter. He was the master at looking down at people, even when they loomed over him. “This had better be good, because Ore-sama was rather comfortable in his chair.” even that didn’t’ have much bite, because he was curious. Surely. Surely, Yuushi had a reason for this.
"First of all, yes, it is. You have no clue what I'm about to do, do you? Yet you trust me to have a good reason for it and to not hurt you. Continue to trust me, Keigo." Yuushi took the last two steps toward his friend, reaching out, pulling the shorter boy into a tight embrace, and holding him there. The two of them stood in silence for a few minutes/ Yuushi simply held his friend, one hand on his back and another cradling his head while he laid his cheek against the other's hair, and let him have the affection he knew the other needed so badly. "This, Keigo. This is what you don't even get when he tells you those words, when he asks you over so you can have sex with no emotional impact. This is the one thing your so-called love should have, sex or no sex. But you can't touch him like this, can you? Not even as a friend. He refuses to give this to you, and you allow it because you say it's just who he is.
"Who he is... isn't good enough. Even if it is his personality, that just proves that he's too immature to handle a relationship. He needs to grow up, to see that there is more to it than getting sex and holding power over you. That's not love. This is. What I feel for you... is platonic. No sex involved. But I love you as a friend, and we can do this because I care for you, and for all your blustering, you care for me too. This is what you need to find, and it will have to be from someone else." He pulled back enough to look his friend in the eye. "It won't be easy, but Keigo, you know very few get it right the first time they try dating. It's too complicated to always work out, even if you go in trying to succeed. I'm willing to bet that your parents both had other people before they met. However they've worked themselves out, I don't want you to think it's that or nothing." He ruffled Keigo's hair a little, looking his friend in the eye. "But you deserve better than those small shreds of affection he condescended to give you. You deserve... so much more, Keigo."
His eyes went wide when he was held like that. He stood for a moment, in shock and a few second alter found him almost holding back. Almost returning the hug. It was an unfair move but it was a lot more than he had gotten recently. And he really couldn’t help but mutter against Yuushi before he was released. A small mutter and one he didn’t mean as an insult at all, but a high compliment. “Yuushi. You hug like Kabaji.” Which was why he hadn’t really needed the speech about it being fraternal love. Because that he was well aware of. He knew a platonic hug very well. And what hurt more was that Yuushi was right. In recent memory, he didn’t think there was a single time that he had hugged Hiyoshi unless there was sex involved in some way. He was sure he had, but at the moment, he doubted there had ever really been a time. Not unless he demanded a hug. But that would be different because then it wouldn’t be freely given.
He almost smiled to, as the speech wore on. Yuushi had been taking notes it seemed. He certainly knew how to turn a phase. “Of course I care for you. Why else would I allow you to darken the door of the gentleman’s lounge when you are such a stretch to that definition?” And why else was he keeping Yuushi’s secret still. Waiting for that moment when he was allowed to unlock those buried memories. And why else would he not wretch at the idea of anyone with his father but his mother. “And you know me…I like a challenge…probably a little too much.” His expression changed. He had been pacified. Mollified by the world and by the hug that he had not been expecting, but the look he gave Yuushi when his perfect hair was suddenly rendered imperfect was almost better than a verbal thank you. “Yes... I do deserve more. I deserve a best friend who doesn’t mess up the hair I took so long to make presentable. I can’t trade you in for a better model so I suppose I’m stuck with you. “
“But now, I think it’s my turn. Think of it as a first step. Hold out your hand.”
Yuushi laughed at the comment about his hugging, and again when his friend's expression and voice grew tart over his perfect hair being mussed. It was good to see that he hadn't damaged their friendship with this talk. He'd wanted the best for Keigo, not to add to his burden but to help him let go of the painful burden he carried already. But it seemed that he had come to some sort of decision, his face had a look of peace to it Yuushi hadn't seen in a long time. And while he knew things were far from over, at least now, it seemed, they were moving in the right direction.
"No, i believe you're stuck with me, but you can give over and admit that I'm everything you want in a friend. In fact, I think you're just huffy because I'm taken now." He winked to show he was joking and smirked at his friend. His face grew thoughtful again at the demand, but he trusted his friend. He held his hand out, wondering what Keigo would do.
It felt good to smile, even just a little. He’d not done so in a while. It would take a bit before he was smirking confidently again. But right now, a small smile and some good-natured ribbing was what he really needed. He also knew this would take baby steps. A part of him knew that he would have to be careful. If he wasn’t, he and Yuushi might have to have this wholly unpleasant conversation again. And he didn’t think a second time would end as well as this one seemed to. After all, even good-natured Osakans had their limits of patience. And smug bastard Osakans had even less.
“Yes…I’ve run out time on the 30 day money back guarantee. So I’ll have to keep you until I can sell you off. I’m sure annoying Osakan will go well on eBay.” His tone though, it said he was glad. He was glad that Yuushi was a taken man. That Yuushi did have happiness. Because if Yuushi could do it, then damn it, so could he. But for right now, he was taking a step. Just one little step. And of course even his tiniest step looked like a Broadway Show Stopper.
With a flourish, he pulled a small key from his pocket. “While regifting is a dreadfully tacky package, I am willing to forgo eBay and just wrap you up and give you to the love of your life. But it will come at a cost. You have to take this too.” He pressed the key into Yuushi’s hand. The key to a chateau in Corsica. A place that had been meant as a retreat for himself and his lover for when they just needed to get away from it all. If he gave Yuushi the key, then Keigo knew he would not be tempted to go there again and once more try to fix things. “Take it, all right. And use it in good health.”
Yuushi looked for a moment at the key, all joking gone as he weighed the importance of the gesture against the slight weight of the filigreed metal in his hand. He knew what this meant, of course. This was a declaration. His friend was through trying to fix things, through with giving the relationship one more chance. Yuushi felt tears sting his eyes for his friend's sake, but quickly blinked them away. There was a huge difference between urging his friend to give up on something that was making him so unhappy, and knowing that the decision had just become quite real. But the first step in the process was lancing the wound and cleaning it out, which was always quite painful. Only then could the healing begin. He found he couldn't pocket the key instantly, though, instead holding it up between the two of them.
"I'll take it back for now. I could actually use it for Christmas. But know this, my friend. I take it back on loan, and with the understanding that someday you will find someone to go there with. Someone for whom you feel so strongly, you'll be able to go there and feel no ghosts from the past disturbing your stay. You will be so happy that nothing will stop you from creating new, happy memories in that house again. I look forward to regifting your regift, my friend. I look forward to the day when your heart feels as mine does about someone." And on that day, his heart would bear nothing but happiness for his friend, who truly did deserve someone who loved him unconditionally. With a light bop on Keigo's nose with the key, Yuushi slipped it into his pocket, smiling.
"You know, you won't be alone in this, right? I'll be there for you, and I won't be the only one. You'll have your friends with you 100%. It'll take time, but... this is the right decision."
That key. It meant everything and the moment he had pressed it into Yuushi’s hand, it had been like a weight had suddenly been lifted. It was still, there, looming, of course, but it had lessoned. And in fact, as sad as he was to see it go, he knew this had to be done. It had to be. “Just be sure when it comes back to me, you tell me which bed you end up in, so I don’t end up in the same one myself…“ He knew it was grave and that humor was not allowed, but he was Atobe Keigo and he was allowed to make such comments. Besides, there was a deeper meaning to that gesture. It was another proof that despite his stuck up attitude and his better than you outlook, he once again was blessing his friend’s romantic endeavors. “And we must be careful, so that it doesn’t become in vogue. Who knows, we could start a while new trend. Exchanging keys to expensive villas like they’re trading cards.” Still, he sincerely hoped that Yuushi was right. Then again, Yuushi had that annoying habit of being right when it really counted.
“I realize that. I realize that if you came all the way here instead of packing, that you’re behind me. And I’m sure Kabaji will support me.” Still, he would need time. He knew that. “And when mother comes…I believe I should talk to her about this all. Because I told her I wanted her to meet him… But Yuushi…” For a moment, he stood there, awkward, then it was gone and the old, bold, devil-may-care Atobe was back. He hugged Yuushi tightly, a brotherly hug. “Don’t you dare think of sending me a bouquet of ‘I told you so’s’….but thank you.” It was a serious thank you.
Yuushi chuckled a little, feeling that the humor was the best indication that his friend would indeed be alright in time. "I'll make sure you know, because whichever one I end up in I may end up in again, whether or not you're there, and I don't want you stealing it from me." But he smiled softly, genuinely, at the acceptance of his relationship that Keigo had now given twice. His friend had had a difficult time of it at first, but time had proven that Touji was a good person, and Keigo had finally seen it for himself.
He nodded sadly when Keigo spoke of talking to his mother about what had happened, but Yuushi knew that the woman would support his decision to separate once she knew what had really been going on. "She'll understand," he said simply, leaving it at that. Yes, the woman would be sympathetic and loving and give his friend the affection he so desperately needed. The affection he was now demanding from Yuushi as he pulled the tensai into another hug. Well, that was a surprise.
He could have cried at the thank you, but then he never would have heard the end of it from his friend, so he simply held the other for as long as Keigo wanted. "You're welcome," he rumbled quietly, feeling at peace now. Things would be okay. His friend would be okay. And he'd help him get through it, even if he was thousands of miles away.