[Log]: Mizuki Haijime and Oshitari Yuushi
Who: Oshitari and Mizuki
Where: The hallway outside Mizuki's room, Mizuki's room, and Mizuki's bed
When: August 22nd - after he talks to Atsushi
What: Oshitari decides to get started on his list and pays a visit to Mizuki. Drama and potentially rejection ensues.
Rating: PG-13 methinks?
Oshitari geared himself up for number twelve on his to do list of Atsushi's. Ugh, was all that came to mind as he stormed over to Mizuki's door. He knocked gently on his (ex?) friend's door.
Mizuki jumped slightly at the noise. He hadn't been expecting anyone, unless it was someone visiting Inui-kun--who was not here at the moment. Glaring at the word he'd been writing but messed up, Mizuki decided to ignore whoever it was for now, grabbing an eraser to continue his homework.
Oshitari banged louder on the door briefly considering that no one might be there, but he figured he'd bang a bit longer (and harder) before deciding that.
The persistance was irritating, especially since it made concentrating on his essay almost impossible. Mizuki let it continue a moment or two more, however, hunching over his paper and tightly clutching his pencil. "........Go away, damn it" He muttered under his breath.
"Please answer this damn door, Mizuki," Oshitari finally said outloud - he just wanted to get the 12th favor over with and be able to leave.
The end of his lead snapped at the voice and Mizuki couldn't bring himself to do anything but stare at the dark pencil mark on his paper. Great, the irritation had developed into bitterness in a matter of seconds. "What do you want?" He snapped back, his displeasure evident in his voice.
"I have to apologize to you," despite already trying a hundred times Oshitari muttered under his breath.
"You have to?" Mizuku repeated, "Well good for you. How many times are you going to try this?"
"Alright, I've said I'm sorry," Oshitari answered, "Now that 12 is off the list I guess I better get cracking on the rest. Later."
"What the hell is that supposed to mean?" Mizuki glared at the door, abadoning his paper for now. "I'm just a part of one of your checklists now? You are just trying to insult me, aren't you?"
"No," Oshitari replied, "I don't make checklists. But apparently at Seiru that's what you guys used to do when people needed help and stuff. So I offered to do -anything- and apologizing to you was one of the things on my list."
Mizuki blinked, his anger throw off momentarily by the mention of his previous school. "Servicing?" He asked, the word alone bringing up memories--most of them rather funny.
"Yes damn it," Oshitari said angrily, "I fucking asked someone from SeiRu to tell me how to get back on your good side and offered to do anything. And now I'm servicing or whatever shit you guys call this." Oshitari thought very low of this kind of game - mainly because he actually had servants and always felt awkward when he was younger and being called "master" and all that. It just made him feel weird.
There was a long pause from Mizuki's side of the door before the sudden sounds of muffled laughter broke the tension. Mizuki rested his head against his desk as he tried to collect himself. "S..So...You're..servicing? You??" Oh, it was too damn funny! Oshitari deserved this kind of humiliation and Mizuki was quite proud of whoever it was that had put him up to it. "W-Who was it?" He asked, finally managing to regain a bit of his composure.
"Fuck you," Came the response, "You're such an ass. I did this for -you- and you're laughing? Apparently picking the option of giving up on loving you was correct," Yuushi said as cold as he could - but slight tears were forming in his eyes.
"I'm laughing because you had it coming to you." Mizuki explained lazily, not really caring to even unlock the door still. "Servicing is perfect for you--since apparently you think you can just get whatever information you want out of anyone and not pay a price for it." His eyes narrowed, the humor gone from his voice.
Oshitari sat down outside the door and didn't even care to answer. He bit his lip very hard to keep himself from crying and realized that the one who had made the biggest mistake of all in this was Kisarazu. Apparently rather than not allowing him to be a playboy for a week was going to be easier than not allowing him to go drink for a week.
The silence stretched on until Mizuki thought the other boy had left all together. "Tch," he turned back to his essay but didn't pick up his pencil again. "...What a waste," he spoke the the empty room. "And it almost worked."
"Oh? Did it?" Oshitari asked allowing the other boy to realize he was still there.
Oh, fuck. Mizuki glared at the door, angry at having been overheard. "Yes," he responded to the wooden panels, "It almost worked in the sense that I'd thought you were honestly humiliated for once. Apparently, I've need to plan my own revenge if I want that to ever happen." It was a quick save, but the bitterness in his words made it more realistic. He was, after all, genuinely bitter about being overheard.
"Want to go out drinking?" Oshitari asked, wondering if that would soften the other boy up.
"No," He responded flatly, "And with you? Hell no."
"Alright, well. I am sorry, later then," Oshitari said and burried his hands in his face, doubting he had the energy to stand yet.
Mizuki didn't bother to give a response, but paused in the silence that followed, completely unwilling to think outloud again. After a moment or two more, he stood and went to the door, unlocking it and pulling it open just a crack to check the hallway.
Oshitari didn't hear the door open or even look up, he had pulled his knees to his chest and was sort of just leaning his head into his arms. He needed something - what? He wasn't quite sure, but he needed a strong dose of it.
Ah, crap. He had been hopefull that the other boy had really left this time. Mizuki sighed in aggitation and glared at the curled up boy in an odd mixture of hate and pity. Well, he wasn't about to admit he was checking the hallway for him, so Mizuki made an irritated noise, "Hey. Get out of the way of my door, I have things I need to go get."
That was enough to get Oshitari to look up, his eyes were slightly red but his glasses had fogged making that hard to see, "Mi-mizuki?"
"Yeah, don't be so damn surprised. This is my door you're blocking after all," The shorter boy responded with a roll of his eyes.
Oshitari slowly stood up, feeling rather lightheaded, "I..I'm really sorry. Are we ever going to be friends again?"
Mizuki raised a brow but didn't answer right away, even though his rather frustrated mood didn't seem to change. "You are so desperate."
"You think?" He said almost with a laugh, but it had been so true, "I-I...I love you. I don't think I can be without you. But, I know it'll work out with you and Yuuta.
The darker haired boy was tempted to slam the door just then. Any mention of 'love' was irritating. Even worse, any mention of 'Yuuta' invoked a horrible mixture of anxiety and depression. Mizuki glared coldly, "Don't say such things so freely. Desperate or not."
Oshitari winced, "Well what am I supposed to do, if not talk to you?"
Mizuki folded his arms and cut his eyes to the side, "... You could just avoid me, like normal people who get rejected are supposed to do."
"If that's what you want," Oshitari answered with a sigh. So this was a real rejection, huh? He'd never experienced such a thing before, "Coming to this school appears to have been worthwhile...I never felt rejection before."
"Really? That's quite egotistical of you, actually," Mizuki responded as if he could care less. "Well, at least you can say you learned something." He was being bitter and mean, and he knew it, but it was hard to stop.
Oshitari brushed some of the hair from Mizuki's face and looked at him closely, "Why are you trying so hard to push me away?"
The shorter boy took a step back, knocking Oshitari's hand away instantly out of defense. He said nothing at his reaction, but the glare clearly said 'Don't touch me.' "Who says I ever wanted you to get close in the first place?" He spat out, becoming angry in order to further defend himself.
Oshitari pulled his hand back, a bit striken by grief from the slap, but he put it aside, "I don't know what to do in this kind of situation. All I can say is that I hope that what I have 'messed up' ends up becoming joyous. Would you like me to leave this school?"
Mizuki tilted his chin up a bit, folding his arms once more. "I'd say yes, but that wouldn't be satisfying enough. What I'd like is for you to have never met me at all."
"I unfortunately cannot change time," Oshitari answered seriously, "I can leave though."
"Do whatever you want," Mizuki responded lazily, shrugging the other boy off with an air of indifference. "I don't plan on forgiving you anytime soon, so you might as well do as you please."
He instinctively wanted to reach out to the other boy, but instead said, "You needed something, didn't you? You're free to pass."
Shit. He'd been hoping the taller boy would forget. Mizuki rolled his eyes, turning back to his door and mumbling a weak excuse, "I'm tired, I'll take care of it later."
"Would you like me to take care of it for you?" Oshitari asked.
"No," he responded firmly before glaring over his shoulder, pausing with his hand on the doorknob. "Go take care of the rest of your servicing~" The smirk was cruel but it kept him from feeling pity. For now.
Oshitari nodded, "I'll do it later on."
"And while you're at it, stop bothering me. Aren't you sick of rejection by now?"
"I must be a masochist," Oshitari said with a smile, but his heart was wrenching and it took all of him to say, "I'll leave you alone. Tell me how it all turns out though. Remember - if you don't get with him, I'll leave the school."
"Would you stop saying that?" Mizuki snapped, opening the door but not moving from the doorway. "I know already, I understood the very first time, any further repeats are just insults to my illigence." He seemed hesitant to shut the door. "You should find someone else to cling to already."
"I'm not allowed to," Oshitari answered matter of factly, "but I know that myself. I picked that choice. I was given 4 options about you and picked that one."
The shorter boy sighed heavily, agitation etched into his features as he leaned his head against the doorframe. "This is the best way to push people away, you know, if that's what you're going for. You're really good at making things worse."
"One moment you want me to go away, and cling to someone else, another moment, you want me to make things better?" Oshitari asked. He could not understand rejection. It seemed as though the heart made people act like blind fools, and that's exactly what he was doing - being a blind fool, "I don't know how to act."
"No," Mizuki sighed again, patience wearing thin. "It just seems like if you really wanted things to get better, you'd stop being so damn obnoxious." That wasn't what he'd hoped would come out, but it was too late to back up. "I'm still rejecting you. I just can't love someone like you, even if you weren't a traitor."
Oshitari looked at him and tears rolled down his face but he was smiling, "I see. Go. Somewhere. Don't look at me. Please?"
Mizuki was never good at handling tears. Hell, he didn't even know what to think half the time when he'd see them. His own tears would confuse him, though it was rare for him to ever cry. He just stood silently, watching with a horrified fascination--against Oshitari's will--as each tear followed the one before it, down the taller boy's normally collected face. "......." It was weird. He wanted to reach out and touch them, as if he could prove they weren't real that way, but his body wouldn't move. Perhaps he'd gone too far in trying to convince the older boy to find someone who could love him back.
He had ceased to smile, but his expression was not that of someone sad. It was simply blank. He was pale. Tears rolled down his cheeks. Oshitari's tears were - quite literally tears. It was hard for him to speak in full sentences but he had learned as a child how to cry without a single sound. It was a defensive mechanism of his - if there was no crying out in pain then perhaps he would not seem as weak as he actually was - and for the moment all he heard in his head were the words Mizuki said repeating over and over and over again. I'm still rejecting you. I just can't love someone like you. Over and over again - his chest felt heavy as though he were about to throw up but nothing happened. And he was light headed again. He took a few steps back and leaned against the wall for support. But the tears did not stop.
Oshitari was odd. There were tears--several of them--but no sobs, no noise at all. Mizuki tried to remember the last time he had cried and was pretty sure he had still made soft noises, even when he tried his hardest to be silent. Oshitari, however, seemed to be just...crying. In the most literal sense of the word. There was no external expression of sorrow or frustration, but instead just...tears. Period. As if all the pain was perfectly contained inside and the tears were the only proof of it. Somehow, this made him feel even stranger and he took a few steps back as well, bumping into the doorframe, unable to tear his eyes away. Mizuki wasn't even sure of his own expression anymore, but he was feeling a mixture of things, the most prominent being fear, guilt, and pity.
The tears continued. Eventually he stopped hearing Mizuki's voice repeating the cold words as though allowing Oshitari a moment to reflect on them and their meaning in entirety. The sentences had been shortened into three words - can't, love, you. And those began to repeat themselves in a cycle. And then, silence. The tears were riding down his cheeks but their temperature had cooled, and in passing he heard one conclusion - If this is what real love is to be - then I will never love. I will play and play and play. But, I refuse to love. It was not a conclusion he had made today, but he had made it in response to everything he saw and heard. If only he had been able to listen to those words. His eyes focused in on the boy in front of him. There was no physical want. And yet, it was all physical want. He hated Haijime Mizuki for making him feel so much pain. And yet, despite it all, had the boy said "I love you", Oshitari would have bundled it down and completely forgiven him without a second thought. He was smitten. But the words and the sentences sang in the back of his head and the tears that had started to slow down, sped back up again.
Mizuki was beginning to feel sick. He had meant to piss the other off, perhaps even upset him to the point of giving up, but never had he expected such a strong reaction. The guilt was quickly overwhelming all other emotion. It made his stomach cramp painfully, as if he would be ill even without dinner yet. Had he been able to think properly, he probably would have torn his eyes away, slammed the door, and locked it. Logic, however, seemed to be drowning in more painful feelings of shame. ".........Don't..." he mumbled, unsure of what he was trying to say. His clammy hands gripped at his sides a bit tighter. "....Don't cry." It was too late for that, but somehow his mind was working in slow motion.
He knew his words would come out cracked, and so he said them slowly as though hoping that the lack of speed, lack of purr in his voice would make them sound like anything else he said, "You." a pause, "Must," another and there were others between all the rest, "Forgive. Me. For. This." His voice twitched, which made him stop for a while again, waiting to regain enough strength to speak a sentence, "I. Would. Leave. But. I. Can't. Because. My. Legs. Won't. Move. Just. Go." The voice was still there, it hit him as loud and clear as the first time Mizuki said the words, not in the muttering way that he told him not to cry. It was cold, sharp, and authoritative. Tears slid down the tall boy's face. He tried to sound silkier, "Don't. Worry."
"I...." What was he supposed to say to that? Admitting that he hadn't really meant such harsh words wouldn't do much good now. It would just make him look and feel worse...and, Would the other boy even believe them at this point? Mizuki had lied so many times, to so many degrees, but nothing had ever turned out this disasterous or serious. He wasn't even sure what had been a lie. He didn't love Oshitari like he loved Yuuta, and quite frankly, he did think it would be impossible at the moment. That didn't mean he actually had wanted to hurt the blue haired boy. He'd just been bitter and angry about his own situation (which he'd been too afraid to face for days now). Mizuki's hands shook slightly and he almost didn't trust himself to open his mouth for fear of losing what little food was in his stomach. "I..." I didn't mean it. I don't like seeing you cry. I don't hate you. I'm sorry. Any of those would do fine...but his mind wasn't connected to his heart after all..Instead he heard himself half whispering, half whining, "I..feel sick." He wanted to puke at just saying something so pointless.
Oshitari looked at the boy, tears still streaming downward, "Then. Go." He paused, collecting his voice again, it was getting harder to speak, "Why. Are. You. Still. Here." The words would have been a question if Oshitari was feeling slightly more sane, but in order to keep his sobs under control all words from his mouth came devoid of feeling, aside from an occasional gasp, "Go. Lay. Down. I'd. Help. But. I. Can't." And he meant it. If he were feeling at all better, he would have put Mizuki before himself and made the boy some soup or something. It had been a long time since words and people had hurt Yuushi this much. And last time it was not over love - it was over other things. Tears still tracing themselves down his skin, he took one shaky step. Then, another. And another. And another. Until he reached the shorter boy. He put a single hand down on Mizuki's shoulder, "It. Will. Be. Okay." There was no reassurance in his voice, merely words. He drew back his hand and leaned himself against the nearest wall to keep balance.
Mizuki swallowed heavily, finding it just as hard to move as it was to think. The contact seemed to snap him out of it though and when the other pulled his hand away to try and support himself on the wall, Mizuki found he was able to move again. His mind, however, was still numb. So, naturally, he couldn't help but wonder what he was doing when he moved to the crying boy, putting both arms around him in an awkward attmept at comfort. He wasn't mad or bitter right now, as much as it would've been easier to be such. He was just...guilty. And sick. "....It'll be okay," he whispered against Oshitari's shoulder, mirroring the words the other had said just moments ago. He didn't know how to comfort devestated people and he didn't know how to stop tears. His hands just weakly rubbed the taller boy's back, as if they could sooth the other into stopping.
In response to the other boy's contact, Oshitari made the first sound like a normal person would when crying he took in a deep gust of air that came through his nose and mouth wrong. And almost instantly he lifted an arm up to silence himself. When he gained enough control of himself again to only be crying silently. He felt his arms go around to the other boy's back and for a moment he leaned in as though about to kiss the other, but made a noise that was a cross between a snort and a laugh and the voice came back, and Oshitari merely crashed his head into the other boy's shoulder.
"Shh..." Mizuki whispered, hands still attempting to comfort on their own. He didn't like this either--in fact, it felt worse this way. He could actually feel the other boy's sadness in every strained breath, every repressed sob. It almost felt like his own pain for a moment and that feeling made his stomach twist in agony. He twitched but managed to fight back the nausea, hearing himself make a small noise at the ache that remained in his side and the weight that settled in his chest. He heard himself make another soft noise, and then another, before he realized--almost horrified--that he had begun to cry.
He felt the boy in his arms begin to cry, and though he had not yet gotten used to his own pain - he was able to shut away the voices for a second, "Why. Are. You. Crying." He said into the other boy's shoulder, "You. Shouldn't." Oshitari tightened his grip on Mizuki with one arm and with the other reached up gently and slowly trailing Mizuki's face with his hand and wiping away the tears.
"I---I d-don't know--!" Mizuki hated himself just then. He hated crying. He hated making people cry. He hated being so stubborn and scared and guilty and sick. But most of all, he hated the lack of control over it all. His body had begun to cry without permission and he wasn't able to stop as quickly as he wanted. In fact, the more he thought about it and harder he tried, the wetter his face became. He thought he might just die from shame at the pathetic sobs coming from his lips. Mizuki had no idea how Oshitari was able to cry silently, but suddenly wished he could do the same.
Oshitari gained some control over himself, he pushed the voice back to the back of his mind where it would haunt him later that night, but for now he required himself to focus on Mizuki, "Shh. I'm. Right here." He gained part of his voice back and slowed down the speed of his tears. He wiped them away. However, there was still part of him that made it clear how cold and in pain he still was - his eyes were glinting in a way strange way. Oshitari did not have to see himself in the mirror to know that they were. They always did when he tried to stop himself from being upset before he was ready to be, but for now he had to focus on Mizuki. Into the other boy's ears he whispered, "Shh, I'm okay. I love you. I'm okay. I love you." He repeated the words like a broken record and wiped tears from Mizuki's face. In his head, he told himself - make it five more minutes, make it five more minutes, make it five more minutes. For he was on the verge of falling to pieces again.
Mizuki's hands had fallen to his sides at some point, his forehead resting against the taller boy's collarbone. His hands came to hold his sickened stomach as he fought to control the noises. It wasn't working. How the hell did Oshitari do that? He sobbed audibly a few times before taking a deep breath--interrupted yet again by a short sob. "I'm sorry," he whined finally. He couldn't remember the last time he had sincerely apologized, but then again, he couldn't remember the last time anyone had seen him cry either. "I'm so sorry." For more than he could explain. Sorry for hurting, sorry for lying, sorry for rejecting...and sorry for not being able to treat you with the love you want.
All that came in response was "It's okay. Don't be sorry." And Oshitari lifted his hand to scratch Mizuki's head lovingly. He didn't dare say that he loved the boy again, because he didn't trust himself to sit well through another rejection. And that would have to wait until Mizuki was unable to see it - in the private of his own dorm room.
At this point, Mizuki was wishing he'd just slammed the door when he had the chance and left the other boy in the hall before he'd begun to cry. He hated guilt, it was one of the most unpleasant feelings he'd ever experienced--second only to the sick feeling he'd get when thinking of Yuuta recently. He didn't trust his voice anymore, at least not right now. One hand came to his face, furiously trying to wipe away the tears in shame, the other hand still clinging to his side. "I didn't mean it," he mumbled miserably, still losing the battle against ceasing his tears. But he had. Sort of. He just hadn't meant for it to sound so cruel.
Oshitari smiled slightly, "Don't lie. It's okay, I understand. There are people out there I couldn't ever love also - most of them are ugly and poor," Oshitari joked but something was off about his tone. He had not fully been able to gain enough control of himself yet to where he could push aside his all his pain until a later moment. He continued to run a hand through Mizuki's hair, "We're fine. Really. I'll be fine, besides you have more to worry about than me," he pointed out.
Mizuki wanted to focus on the fear of confronting Yuuta, and regain the bitterness he'd been carrying for the past week, but it was becoming increasingly difficult to rise about the waves of guilt. "I'm not lying," he choked back a sob, rubbing his eyes when more tears fell. "I r-really didn't mean..to h-hurt you."
"Rejection hurts. Plain and simple," Oshitari answered he was trying to be stronger than he felt for the sake of the other boy, "But, I always find it's better to know the truth than to wonder what you could have someone without ever telling them." This was truthful, but this was also his habit which he cursed. At the moment he couldn't decide whether he wanted Yuuta to date Mizuki. Part of Oshitari thought it'd be better if he was rejected since then maybe Oshitari would have a chance with him. On the other hand though, he did want the boy to be happy. He gave the cake to Yuuta with good intentions and he intended to see the boy in front of him happy.
For the time being, however, Mizuki was farther from 'happy' than he'd ever been in his entire life. He was afraid of talking to Yuuta. (He would not admit to this.) He was nervous about what to say. (This, he would admit to, and had been running scenarios for all week.) He was terrified of being rejected. (This was mostly subconcious.) He was guilty for making Oshitari feel like crap. He was ashamed of crying. And to top it all off, he was bitter about where everything was headed. He didn't know of rejection on this level, so he had no words of comfort for the other boy. "....But I didn't...h-have to do it...like I did." He'd been cruel, and only because he'd been irritated.
"I disagree," and Oshitari was actually being honest there, "If you hadn't put it so bluntly, I'd probably continue to chase after you. Obviously I can't just turn around and stop liking you, but, until you are truly open and available, I'll put my feelings on a slight hold. I'm sorry for putting you in a situation you clearly weren't ready for," here he was referring to Yuuta, "But, it seemed like you'd never do anything about it. And - if you don't get to someone soon enough, you never know how quickly their heart may be swayed in another direction," here he was referring to Chieko, Oshitari let out a sigh. He didn't really want to be comforting at the moment, but what option did he have? Just make it through five more minutes, he told himself.
Somehow the words were far from comforting. Mizuki stared hard at his bare feet, his head hanging under the combined weight of shame and guilt, and was silent for a few moments. How could the other boy be so forgiving? And here he was, holding a grudge stubbornly against him after over a week. (Though he felt he had a damn good reason for it.) For some reason, he felt like he owed Oshitari something. "...If..." Mizuki paused, carefully considering his words, "...When.. Yuuta-kun... rejects me.. I'll.. give this another chance--You don't have to leave."
Oshitari patted the smaller boy on the head, "I keep my word. If he rejects you, I'll leave. And, I do mean -if-, because I don't think that he will," and then he added quieter, "He doesn't know what he's missing in the event that he does."
Why was it that Oshitari was so much more optimistic than he was? Or...was it pessimism for him, and optimism for Mizuki? The shorter boy wasn't sure anymore. "But... I..don't want you to leave.."
Oshitari felt his breath stiffen a bit at that, "Please do not mess with me about this. It'll only make it harder to think that I may still have a chance with you."
"I'm not playing around," Mizuki mumbled, looking up at the other finally, his face miserable. "Isn't it obvious? I couldn't even lie properly if I wantedto."
"I don't think I'd be satisfied if I was merely a rebound. I don't know. I honestly don't. But, you wouldn't pick me before him, and I don't think I could take that," Oshitari responded flatly. Many thoughts were running through his head now.
"So, you want to leave then?" The dark haired boy looked more miserable at the thought and his eyes finally broke contact, glancing toward the wall. "...Of course I picked Yuuta-kun. I liked him long before I knew you existed..." Somewhere along the line, Mizuki had stopped crying, though his face was flushed and tired in the aftermath. "That doesn't mean I want you gone." Well, it did a few hours ago. Something had changed and he was almost ready to forget his unreasonable grudge.
Oshitari nodded, "I would probably feel the same way in your situation." He actually had to wonder if he would. Knowing him, he would have been rejected from Yuuta long ago though, and ready to move on to someone much hotter and better at his new school, "I'd like to leave, yes. I told you I would. I gave you my word, and so I will," Oshitari frowned. He did unfortunately have unfinished business here. But, he'd move on from that.
Mizuki looked disappointed, as if that confirmation was the last thing he'd wanted to hear at the moment. "Oh..." It was soft but laced with pain--the dull ache that he was trying to hide. He knew it probably shone in his eyes too, so he kept them focused on the floor. Oshitari had been the first person to sustain a 'friendship' with him for more than a week, and as much as it killed him to admit it, Mizuki felt lonely at the idea of him leaving.
"I await you telling me how it all turns out, don't be sad. We'll keep in touch," Oshitari said with a slightly fake-smile.
"Right..." The smaller boy mumbled much in the same way. He was tired of all this stupid drama and it was finally catching up with him.
"You look quite tired now, have a rest, and give me a call with more information, okay?" Oshitari asked, and then offered, "I can stay here if you'd like until you fall asleep."
Mizuki wasn't sure how he felt anymore. He'd gotten used to the grudge he'd been holding, so hating and acting rude toward the other had become comfortable. This instability was nowhere neart comfort. Were they friends again? Were they still on bad terms? Was he forgiven? Had he forgiven Oshitari? The shorter boy sighed heavily, finally nodding slightly. "...I'd like that," he admitted quitely as he glanced toward his bed through the open door.
Oshitari nodded, still feeling rather drained from the tears, and wondering if he would take a nap himself. He took a seat in the boy's desk chair and watched Mizuki.
Normally, he'd feel awkward having someone watch him, but Mizuki was far too tired and empty to care. He dug through a drawer quietly, pulling out a random loose Tshirt and slipping out of his school top. He didn't give Oshitari a second though when changing clothes--he himself was unusally apathetic after all that, and he was sure the other boy didn't care much either. Probably. He pulled on the shirt and lazily dug through another drawer before changing into loose shorts. Mizuki pushed his discarded clothes to the side, not even able to bring himself to clean up, and flopped onto his bed. It was only after a few moments that he muttered something to Oshitari, though it was muffled by his pillow. He felt like such a bum, not even bothering to get under the covers.
It hurt a bit to watch the other boy change - remembering that the body he was watching would -never- be his, and so Oshitari did something he was not used to doing - he respected Mizuki and looked away. Oshitari noticed that the boy had not bothered to put himself under covers and so he went into the closet and searched for extra sheets - the school had required that you bring two or three sets of bedding and he figured Mizuki's was in there (at least that was where Oshitari kept his). Finding a blanket, he took it down and placed it over the smaller boy. As he did it, he noticed again how good looking the other boy was and considered kissing him - rather like he had when the smaller boy was drunk. He leaned in, but heard the voice again, and merely allowed silent tears to roll down his cheeks as he wandered back over to Mizuki's desk.
Mizuki rolled onto his side after a moment, one hand pulling the blanket closer as he did so. He struggled to keep his eyes open--they were still slightly red-rimmed and swollen from crying. From where he was lying, fighting to stay awake (had the beds always been this comfortable?), he couldn't tell that Oshitari was crying again. "...Are you tired too?" He asked softly.
Oshitari winced, he had hoped the boy would just roll over and sleep, and allow him to cry in peace, his answer was simple though, "Yes." And so he was able to avoid allowing his voice to crack.
His eyes fluttered shut but he brought a hand up to rub at them, trying to cling to conciousness. "...You can sleep here..." he mumbled, his other hand patting the empty space next to him, "...if you want." Mizuki had silently decided to let go of his grudge for now. There were, after all, more important things he had to plan and harassing Oshitari Yuushi was not one of them.
Oshitari almost smiled and said, "I'll. Pass. Thanks." He wondered why everyone seemed to do this to him - Chieko seemed to have no qualms about it. He must be the only person in the world that did not view sleeping in the same bed as someone as a 'friendly' gesture but rather an intimate one. Even if they weren't sleeping together. He knew he would not disturb Mizuki with his tears, but he had no intention of allowing the other boy to let him think that he meant something to Mizuki. Otherwise it would only be harder to get over him.
Mizuki made a soft noise of protest, though it wasn't really a word at all. He groggily opened one eye, his hand still rubbing at the other one. "...Please? I want you to." ok, so he was selfish and wanted to be friends again. It was something he'd always been used to--he grew up thinking about himself after all. However, it didn't come across as completely self-centered, not with the way his voice sounded. It was sincere, and perhaps a little desperate. Oshitari was, after all, his closest friend. Or had been.
Oshitari took a deep breath, "Mizuki...It's not...that I don't want to...Fine." He was after all too tired to argue and at this point hoping that the other boy was too tired to hear the slight cracks in his voice as he had tried to answer Mizuki, he stumbled over to the bed and laid down, facing away from Mizuki. He was too afraid to look at the boy for fear of doing something to him or desiring to.
Perhaps it was cruel to do this, like teasing the other with something he'd never fully own, but Mizuki was tired and sad and a hell of a lot of things he'd rather not be right now. Most of all though, he was subconciously looking for some form of comfort, anything that would reassure him that he wasn't going to lose one of his only friends after all. (Especially if he lost Yuuta too.) He pulled at his blanket some before draping a portion of it over the taller boy. He left his arm lying on Oshitari in a half hug, his face pressed against the other's back. It had been years since he'd slept like this with another human (the last being the sister closest to him in age, after a nightmare of all things) and he was surprisingly pleased with how comforting the warmth was.
Oshitari almost instantly arched his back away, but felt himself push slightly closer to the other boy. What a cocktease. This was something he'd never have. He told himself to enjoy it while he could but for some reason his eyes were wide, and now he found it impossible to sleep. Temperature wise, Mizuki was warm, but the loneliness Oshitari was feeling left him rather cold. He felt utterly miserable, as tears continued to roll down his face silently.
Mizuki, on the other hand, was unaware of the effects of his actions and was quite comfortable now. He opened his eyes part way but found it hard to keep them from sliding shut. Instead, he rubbed his face against the other boy's back and mumbled into the fabric of his shirt, "We're ok, right? Together?" He wanted to be forgiven, and perhaps that was evident in his voice, but his poor word choice stemmed entirely from his exhaustion. Honestly, when you're trying to focus on staying awake enough to even form syllables, words like 'together' taking the place of 'friends' kind of makes sense.
Oshitari winced, he could understand what the boy wanted. It was friendship, and clearly he was sad about nearly losing his friend, nothing more but still the words were touching Oshitari oddly, and painfully, "We're. Fine. Sleep, Mizuki." He tried to sound reassuring but he wasn't feeling that way. What had he done to deserve this? Why couldn't the tears stop? Why was his head pounding? And why? After all of this? Did he still find the other boy desirable? This must be hell, Oshitari thought as a tear slid down his face.
It was hard not to do as the other said, especially when his eyes had already fallen closed. The warmth was nice. The comfort was nice. The feeling of being forgiven was nice. And yet...Mizuki couldn't help but wonder if all these things were only nice because it was coming from Oshitari. "...I'm sorry..." he whispered without really knowing what he was saying, his mind already clouded with the approaching unconciousness. "....I really.. think....we.. could have...been..." He trailed off without finishing his mumbled subconcious and his breathing evened out a few moments later, signaling that he'd finally given into sleep.
Oshitari looked downward and dared not to read too far into the words, though they hit him in an odd way - he knew what Mizuki had meant and it took all of his control not to scream at the boy for that. But, he knew it would have helped neither of them. He waited until he heard his breathing even out and then he got out of the bed. He stood for a moment and stared at the other boy and returned back to his seat at Mizuki's desk. He refused to fall asleep in bed with the boy.
Mizuki was silent for a long time and the only sounds were those of his soft breathing. He looked so different when he slept--his face was calm, relaxed and open, as opposed to the guarded, cold glares or sly smirks he'd wear when awake. If one didn't know him, they'd probably assume he was a soft-spoken, polite, and fragile boy--certainly not the independent, self-confident, sneaky bastard that he was. After a moment or two more his hand twitched, not feeling any warmth where Oshitari had once been laying. Mizuki groaned softly, rolling onto his back, but he fell silent once more. The stillness of the room was broken a little sooner than before when the sleeping boy mumbled softly, "Yu...Yuushi-kun..."
Oshitari glared at the smaller boy from his chair and covered his mouth because even -he- could not hold back making sounds with his tears when he heard that. Fuck Mizuki making me think he still wants me... he thought angrily. He truly wished he could forget all his attraction to the smaller boy, but it was proving impossible.
Another soft noise and he rolled onto his side again, one leg exposed as he became slightly tangled in the blanket with one arm under the pillow and the other laying where Oshitari had been almost an hour ago. "....Please..." he breathed quitely, his face contorting a little, as if he would cry.
Oshitari sighed and asked aloud, "What is it that you want from me?" t came out rather jumbled because he was still tearing, but he didn't even bother controlling it. Hearing Mizuki beg, and plead like some kind of lover using his first name, pissed him off.
The hand that wasn't under the pillow reached out slightly against the bed spread, as if trying to grab something. It trembled weakly and fell still before Mizuki gave an almost inaudible whimper. A few beads of wetness at collected at the corners of his eyes, but it was probably hard to see from where Oshitari was sitting. ".....please." It was the same beg, but there was an obvious tone of sadness in it this time.
Oshitari stood up and walked over to the boy, he sat on the bed and ran a hand through Mizuki's hair. Oshitari was still crying but he couldn't do much of anything about it. Clearly it would only be more painful if Mizuki stayed crying out to him and whatnot.
The smaller boy seemed to relax a bit at the gentle contact, the tension in his shoulders and back fading considerably. Mizuki sighed softly, his expression returning to once of peace. "....Yuu.."
Oshitari winced, he started to say 'Don't call me that' but friends did use first names some of the time, didn't they? It felt to him much more like a lovers thing, or something. With one hand he held the other boy's hand, and with the other he ran his fingers through the smaller boy's hair, it hurt him to do so, but it would be better than hearing any more of this almost moaning.
Mizuki was quiet for much longer this time, his dreams apparently no longer making him upset. He still seemed rather pleased with the soft petting and contact though. When he finally muttered again, it was gentle--but in an odd way. It was honest, heartfelt and perhaps even a little self concious, ".....I love you.."
Oshitari sighed in response and whispered mostly to himself, "I am not whoever you are mistaking me for," and then the meaning of the words registered in his own head and he felt his face contort slightly and tears slid yet again down his cheeks.
The sleeping boy didn't seem to register Oshitari's words, only the comfort. Another pause, before he followed the confession in the same loving tone, ".....Yuuta-kun."
Oshitari jerked back both hands in pain and hissed, "Fuck you."
Mizuki didn't react to the loss of comfort but just rolled over instead. Apparently, in his dreams at least, his Yuuta scenarios worked out so he was happy enough to continue sleeping. It was almost mocking, though none of it had been intended for Oshitari to hear.
And Oshitari slammed a fist on Mizuki's bed before leaving the room, slamming the door behind him.
Where: The hallway outside Mizuki's room, Mizuki's room, and Mizuki's bed
When: August 22nd - after he talks to Atsushi
What: Oshitari decides to get started on his list and pays a visit to Mizuki. Drama and potentially rejection ensues.
Rating: PG-13 methinks?
Oshitari geared himself up for number twelve on his to do list of Atsushi's. Ugh, was all that came to mind as he stormed over to Mizuki's door. He knocked gently on his (ex?) friend's door.
Mizuki jumped slightly at the noise. He hadn't been expecting anyone, unless it was someone visiting Inui-kun--who was not here at the moment. Glaring at the word he'd been writing but messed up, Mizuki decided to ignore whoever it was for now, grabbing an eraser to continue his homework.
Oshitari banged louder on the door briefly considering that no one might be there, but he figured he'd bang a bit longer (and harder) before deciding that.
The persistance was irritating, especially since it made concentrating on his essay almost impossible. Mizuki let it continue a moment or two more, however, hunching over his paper and tightly clutching his pencil. "........Go away, damn it" He muttered under his breath.
"Please answer this damn door, Mizuki," Oshitari finally said outloud - he just wanted to get the 12th favor over with and be able to leave.
The end of his lead snapped at the voice and Mizuki couldn't bring himself to do anything but stare at the dark pencil mark on his paper. Great, the irritation had developed into bitterness in a matter of seconds. "What do you want?" He snapped back, his displeasure evident in his voice.
"I have to apologize to you," despite already trying a hundred times Oshitari muttered under his breath.
"You have to?" Mizuku repeated, "Well good for you. How many times are you going to try this?"
"Alright, I've said I'm sorry," Oshitari answered, "Now that 12 is off the list I guess I better get cracking on the rest. Later."
"What the hell is that supposed to mean?" Mizuki glared at the door, abadoning his paper for now. "I'm just a part of one of your checklists now? You are just trying to insult me, aren't you?"
"No," Oshitari replied, "I don't make checklists. But apparently at Seiru that's what you guys used to do when people needed help and stuff. So I offered to do -anything- and apologizing to you was one of the things on my list."
Mizuki blinked, his anger throw off momentarily by the mention of his previous school. "Servicing?" He asked, the word alone bringing up memories--most of them rather funny.
"Yes damn it," Oshitari said angrily, "I fucking asked someone from SeiRu to tell me how to get back on your good side and offered to do anything. And now I'm servicing or whatever shit you guys call this." Oshitari thought very low of this kind of game - mainly because he actually had servants and always felt awkward when he was younger and being called "master" and all that. It just made him feel weird.
There was a long pause from Mizuki's side of the door before the sudden sounds of muffled laughter broke the tension. Mizuki rested his head against his desk as he tried to collect himself. "S..So...You're..servicing? You??" Oh, it was too damn funny! Oshitari deserved this kind of humiliation and Mizuki was quite proud of whoever it was that had put him up to it. "W-Who was it?" He asked, finally managing to regain a bit of his composure.
"Fuck you," Came the response, "You're such an ass. I did this for -you- and you're laughing? Apparently picking the option of giving up on loving you was correct," Yuushi said as cold as he could - but slight tears were forming in his eyes.
"I'm laughing because you had it coming to you." Mizuki explained lazily, not really caring to even unlock the door still. "Servicing is perfect for you--since apparently you think you can just get whatever information you want out of anyone and not pay a price for it." His eyes narrowed, the humor gone from his voice.
Oshitari sat down outside the door and didn't even care to answer. He bit his lip very hard to keep himself from crying and realized that the one who had made the biggest mistake of all in this was Kisarazu. Apparently rather than not allowing him to be a playboy for a week was going to be easier than not allowing him to go drink for a week.
The silence stretched on until Mizuki thought the other boy had left all together. "Tch," he turned back to his essay but didn't pick up his pencil again. "...What a waste," he spoke the the empty room. "And it almost worked."
"Oh? Did it?" Oshitari asked allowing the other boy to realize he was still there.
Oh, fuck. Mizuki glared at the door, angry at having been overheard. "Yes," he responded to the wooden panels, "It almost worked in the sense that I'd thought you were honestly humiliated for once. Apparently, I've need to plan my own revenge if I want that to ever happen." It was a quick save, but the bitterness in his words made it more realistic. He was, after all, genuinely bitter about being overheard.
"Want to go out drinking?" Oshitari asked, wondering if that would soften the other boy up.
"No," He responded flatly, "And with you? Hell no."
"Alright, well. I am sorry, later then," Oshitari said and burried his hands in his face, doubting he had the energy to stand yet.
Mizuki didn't bother to give a response, but paused in the silence that followed, completely unwilling to think outloud again. After a moment or two more, he stood and went to the door, unlocking it and pulling it open just a crack to check the hallway.
Oshitari didn't hear the door open or even look up, he had pulled his knees to his chest and was sort of just leaning his head into his arms. He needed something - what? He wasn't quite sure, but he needed a strong dose of it.
Ah, crap. He had been hopefull that the other boy had really left this time. Mizuki sighed in aggitation and glared at the curled up boy in an odd mixture of hate and pity. Well, he wasn't about to admit he was checking the hallway for him, so Mizuki made an irritated noise, "Hey. Get out of the way of my door, I have things I need to go get."
That was enough to get Oshitari to look up, his eyes were slightly red but his glasses had fogged making that hard to see, "Mi-mizuki?"
"Yeah, don't be so damn surprised. This is my door you're blocking after all," The shorter boy responded with a roll of his eyes.
Oshitari slowly stood up, feeling rather lightheaded, "I..I'm really sorry. Are we ever going to be friends again?"
Mizuki raised a brow but didn't answer right away, even though his rather frustrated mood didn't seem to change. "You are so desperate."
"You think?" He said almost with a laugh, but it had been so true, "I-I...I love you. I don't think I can be without you. But, I know it'll work out with you and Yuuta.
The darker haired boy was tempted to slam the door just then. Any mention of 'love' was irritating. Even worse, any mention of 'Yuuta' invoked a horrible mixture of anxiety and depression. Mizuki glared coldly, "Don't say such things so freely. Desperate or not."
Oshitari winced, "Well what am I supposed to do, if not talk to you?"
Mizuki folded his arms and cut his eyes to the side, "... You could just avoid me, like normal people who get rejected are supposed to do."
"If that's what you want," Oshitari answered with a sigh. So this was a real rejection, huh? He'd never experienced such a thing before, "Coming to this school appears to have been worthwhile...I never felt rejection before."
"Really? That's quite egotistical of you, actually," Mizuki responded as if he could care less. "Well, at least you can say you learned something." He was being bitter and mean, and he knew it, but it was hard to stop.
Oshitari brushed some of the hair from Mizuki's face and looked at him closely, "Why are you trying so hard to push me away?"
The shorter boy took a step back, knocking Oshitari's hand away instantly out of defense. He said nothing at his reaction, but the glare clearly said 'Don't touch me.' "Who says I ever wanted you to get close in the first place?" He spat out, becoming angry in order to further defend himself.
Oshitari pulled his hand back, a bit striken by grief from the slap, but he put it aside, "I don't know what to do in this kind of situation. All I can say is that I hope that what I have 'messed up' ends up becoming joyous. Would you like me to leave this school?"
Mizuki tilted his chin up a bit, folding his arms once more. "I'd say yes, but that wouldn't be satisfying enough. What I'd like is for you to have never met me at all."
"I unfortunately cannot change time," Oshitari answered seriously, "I can leave though."
"Do whatever you want," Mizuki responded lazily, shrugging the other boy off with an air of indifference. "I don't plan on forgiving you anytime soon, so you might as well do as you please."
He instinctively wanted to reach out to the other boy, but instead said, "You needed something, didn't you? You're free to pass."
Shit. He'd been hoping the taller boy would forget. Mizuki rolled his eyes, turning back to his door and mumbling a weak excuse, "I'm tired, I'll take care of it later."
"Would you like me to take care of it for you?" Oshitari asked.
"No," he responded firmly before glaring over his shoulder, pausing with his hand on the doorknob. "Go take care of the rest of your servicing~" The smirk was cruel but it kept him from feeling pity. For now.
Oshitari nodded, "I'll do it later on."
"And while you're at it, stop bothering me. Aren't you sick of rejection by now?"
"I must be a masochist," Oshitari said with a smile, but his heart was wrenching and it took all of him to say, "I'll leave you alone. Tell me how it all turns out though. Remember - if you don't get with him, I'll leave the school."
"Would you stop saying that?" Mizuki snapped, opening the door but not moving from the doorway. "I know already, I understood the very first time, any further repeats are just insults to my illigence." He seemed hesitant to shut the door. "You should find someone else to cling to already."
"I'm not allowed to," Oshitari answered matter of factly, "but I know that myself. I picked that choice. I was given 4 options about you and picked that one."
The shorter boy sighed heavily, agitation etched into his features as he leaned his head against the doorframe. "This is the best way to push people away, you know, if that's what you're going for. You're really good at making things worse."
"One moment you want me to go away, and cling to someone else, another moment, you want me to make things better?" Oshitari asked. He could not understand rejection. It seemed as though the heart made people act like blind fools, and that's exactly what he was doing - being a blind fool, "I don't know how to act."
"No," Mizuki sighed again, patience wearing thin. "It just seems like if you really wanted things to get better, you'd stop being so damn obnoxious." That wasn't what he'd hoped would come out, but it was too late to back up. "I'm still rejecting you. I just can't love someone like you, even if you weren't a traitor."
Oshitari looked at him and tears rolled down his face but he was smiling, "I see. Go. Somewhere. Don't look at me. Please?"
Mizuki was never good at handling tears. Hell, he didn't even know what to think half the time when he'd see them. His own tears would confuse him, though it was rare for him to ever cry. He just stood silently, watching with a horrified fascination--against Oshitari's will--as each tear followed the one before it, down the taller boy's normally collected face. "......." It was weird. He wanted to reach out and touch them, as if he could prove they weren't real that way, but his body wouldn't move. Perhaps he'd gone too far in trying to convince the older boy to find someone who could love him back.
He had ceased to smile, but his expression was not that of someone sad. It was simply blank. He was pale. Tears rolled down his cheeks. Oshitari's tears were - quite literally tears. It was hard for him to speak in full sentences but he had learned as a child how to cry without a single sound. It was a defensive mechanism of his - if there was no crying out in pain then perhaps he would not seem as weak as he actually was - and for the moment all he heard in his head were the words Mizuki said repeating over and over and over again. I'm still rejecting you. I just can't love someone like you. Over and over again - his chest felt heavy as though he were about to throw up but nothing happened. And he was light headed again. He took a few steps back and leaned against the wall for support. But the tears did not stop.
Oshitari was odd. There were tears--several of them--but no sobs, no noise at all. Mizuki tried to remember the last time he had cried and was pretty sure he had still made soft noises, even when he tried his hardest to be silent. Oshitari, however, seemed to be just...crying. In the most literal sense of the word. There was no external expression of sorrow or frustration, but instead just...tears. Period. As if all the pain was perfectly contained inside and the tears were the only proof of it. Somehow, this made him feel even stranger and he took a few steps back as well, bumping into the doorframe, unable to tear his eyes away. Mizuki wasn't even sure of his own expression anymore, but he was feeling a mixture of things, the most prominent being fear, guilt, and pity.
The tears continued. Eventually he stopped hearing Mizuki's voice repeating the cold words as though allowing Oshitari a moment to reflect on them and their meaning in entirety. The sentences had been shortened into three words - can't, love, you. And those began to repeat themselves in a cycle. And then, silence. The tears were riding down his cheeks but their temperature had cooled, and in passing he heard one conclusion - If this is what real love is to be - then I will never love. I will play and play and play. But, I refuse to love. It was not a conclusion he had made today, but he had made it in response to everything he saw and heard. If only he had been able to listen to those words. His eyes focused in on the boy in front of him. There was no physical want. And yet, it was all physical want. He hated Haijime Mizuki for making him feel so much pain. And yet, despite it all, had the boy said "I love you", Oshitari would have bundled it down and completely forgiven him without a second thought. He was smitten. But the words and the sentences sang in the back of his head and the tears that had started to slow down, sped back up again.
Mizuki was beginning to feel sick. He had meant to piss the other off, perhaps even upset him to the point of giving up, but never had he expected such a strong reaction. The guilt was quickly overwhelming all other emotion. It made his stomach cramp painfully, as if he would be ill even without dinner yet. Had he been able to think properly, he probably would have torn his eyes away, slammed the door, and locked it. Logic, however, seemed to be drowning in more painful feelings of shame. ".........Don't..." he mumbled, unsure of what he was trying to say. His clammy hands gripped at his sides a bit tighter. "....Don't cry." It was too late for that, but somehow his mind was working in slow motion.
He knew his words would come out cracked, and so he said them slowly as though hoping that the lack of speed, lack of purr in his voice would make them sound like anything else he said, "You." a pause, "Must," another and there were others between all the rest, "Forgive. Me. For. This." His voice twitched, which made him stop for a while again, waiting to regain enough strength to speak a sentence, "I. Would. Leave. But. I. Can't. Because. My. Legs. Won't. Move. Just. Go." The voice was still there, it hit him as loud and clear as the first time Mizuki said the words, not in the muttering way that he told him not to cry. It was cold, sharp, and authoritative. Tears slid down the tall boy's face. He tried to sound silkier, "Don't. Worry."
"I...." What was he supposed to say to that? Admitting that he hadn't really meant such harsh words wouldn't do much good now. It would just make him look and feel worse...and, Would the other boy even believe them at this point? Mizuki had lied so many times, to so many degrees, but nothing had ever turned out this disasterous or serious. He wasn't even sure what had been a lie. He didn't love Oshitari like he loved Yuuta, and quite frankly, he did think it would be impossible at the moment. That didn't mean he actually had wanted to hurt the blue haired boy. He'd just been bitter and angry about his own situation (which he'd been too afraid to face for days now). Mizuki's hands shook slightly and he almost didn't trust himself to open his mouth for fear of losing what little food was in his stomach. "I..." I didn't mean it. I don't like seeing you cry. I don't hate you. I'm sorry. Any of those would do fine...but his mind wasn't connected to his heart after all..Instead he heard himself half whispering, half whining, "I..feel sick." He wanted to puke at just saying something so pointless.
Oshitari looked at the boy, tears still streaming downward, "Then. Go." He paused, collecting his voice again, it was getting harder to speak, "Why. Are. You. Still. Here." The words would have been a question if Oshitari was feeling slightly more sane, but in order to keep his sobs under control all words from his mouth came devoid of feeling, aside from an occasional gasp, "Go. Lay. Down. I'd. Help. But. I. Can't." And he meant it. If he were feeling at all better, he would have put Mizuki before himself and made the boy some soup or something. It had been a long time since words and people had hurt Yuushi this much. And last time it was not over love - it was over other things. Tears still tracing themselves down his skin, he took one shaky step. Then, another. And another. And another. Until he reached the shorter boy. He put a single hand down on Mizuki's shoulder, "It. Will. Be. Okay." There was no reassurance in his voice, merely words. He drew back his hand and leaned himself against the nearest wall to keep balance.
Mizuki swallowed heavily, finding it just as hard to move as it was to think. The contact seemed to snap him out of it though and when the other pulled his hand away to try and support himself on the wall, Mizuki found he was able to move again. His mind, however, was still numb. So, naturally, he couldn't help but wonder what he was doing when he moved to the crying boy, putting both arms around him in an awkward attmept at comfort. He wasn't mad or bitter right now, as much as it would've been easier to be such. He was just...guilty. And sick. "....It'll be okay," he whispered against Oshitari's shoulder, mirroring the words the other had said just moments ago. He didn't know how to comfort devestated people and he didn't know how to stop tears. His hands just weakly rubbed the taller boy's back, as if they could sooth the other into stopping.
In response to the other boy's contact, Oshitari made the first sound like a normal person would when crying he took in a deep gust of air that came through his nose and mouth wrong. And almost instantly he lifted an arm up to silence himself. When he gained enough control of himself again to only be crying silently. He felt his arms go around to the other boy's back and for a moment he leaned in as though about to kiss the other, but made a noise that was a cross between a snort and a laugh and the voice came back, and Oshitari merely crashed his head into the other boy's shoulder.
"Shh..." Mizuki whispered, hands still attempting to comfort on their own. He didn't like this either--in fact, it felt worse this way. He could actually feel the other boy's sadness in every strained breath, every repressed sob. It almost felt like his own pain for a moment and that feeling made his stomach twist in agony. He twitched but managed to fight back the nausea, hearing himself make a small noise at the ache that remained in his side and the weight that settled in his chest. He heard himself make another soft noise, and then another, before he realized--almost horrified--that he had begun to cry.
He felt the boy in his arms begin to cry, and though he had not yet gotten used to his own pain - he was able to shut away the voices for a second, "Why. Are. You. Crying." He said into the other boy's shoulder, "You. Shouldn't." Oshitari tightened his grip on Mizuki with one arm and with the other reached up gently and slowly trailing Mizuki's face with his hand and wiping away the tears.
"I---I d-don't know--!" Mizuki hated himself just then. He hated crying. He hated making people cry. He hated being so stubborn and scared and guilty and sick. But most of all, he hated the lack of control over it all. His body had begun to cry without permission and he wasn't able to stop as quickly as he wanted. In fact, the more he thought about it and harder he tried, the wetter his face became. He thought he might just die from shame at the pathetic sobs coming from his lips. Mizuki had no idea how Oshitari was able to cry silently, but suddenly wished he could do the same.
Oshitari gained some control over himself, he pushed the voice back to the back of his mind where it would haunt him later that night, but for now he required himself to focus on Mizuki, "Shh. I'm. Right here." He gained part of his voice back and slowed down the speed of his tears. He wiped them away. However, there was still part of him that made it clear how cold and in pain he still was - his eyes were glinting in a way strange way. Oshitari did not have to see himself in the mirror to know that they were. They always did when he tried to stop himself from being upset before he was ready to be, but for now he had to focus on Mizuki. Into the other boy's ears he whispered, "Shh, I'm okay. I love you. I'm okay. I love you." He repeated the words like a broken record and wiped tears from Mizuki's face. In his head, he told himself - make it five more minutes, make it five more minutes, make it five more minutes. For he was on the verge of falling to pieces again.
Mizuki's hands had fallen to his sides at some point, his forehead resting against the taller boy's collarbone. His hands came to hold his sickened stomach as he fought to control the noises. It wasn't working. How the hell did Oshitari do that? He sobbed audibly a few times before taking a deep breath--interrupted yet again by a short sob. "I'm sorry," he whined finally. He couldn't remember the last time he had sincerely apologized, but then again, he couldn't remember the last time anyone had seen him cry either. "I'm so sorry." For more than he could explain. Sorry for hurting, sorry for lying, sorry for rejecting...and sorry for not being able to treat you with the love you want.
All that came in response was "It's okay. Don't be sorry." And Oshitari lifted his hand to scratch Mizuki's head lovingly. He didn't dare say that he loved the boy again, because he didn't trust himself to sit well through another rejection. And that would have to wait until Mizuki was unable to see it - in the private of his own dorm room.
At this point, Mizuki was wishing he'd just slammed the door when he had the chance and left the other boy in the hall before he'd begun to cry. He hated guilt, it was one of the most unpleasant feelings he'd ever experienced--second only to the sick feeling he'd get when thinking of Yuuta recently. He didn't trust his voice anymore, at least not right now. One hand came to his face, furiously trying to wipe away the tears in shame, the other hand still clinging to his side. "I didn't mean it," he mumbled miserably, still losing the battle against ceasing his tears. But he had. Sort of. He just hadn't meant for it to sound so cruel.
Oshitari smiled slightly, "Don't lie. It's okay, I understand. There are people out there I couldn't ever love also - most of them are ugly and poor," Oshitari joked but something was off about his tone. He had not fully been able to gain enough control of himself yet to where he could push aside his all his pain until a later moment. He continued to run a hand through Mizuki's hair, "We're fine. Really. I'll be fine, besides you have more to worry about than me," he pointed out.
Mizuki wanted to focus on the fear of confronting Yuuta, and regain the bitterness he'd been carrying for the past week, but it was becoming increasingly difficult to rise about the waves of guilt. "I'm not lying," he choked back a sob, rubbing his eyes when more tears fell. "I r-really didn't mean..to h-hurt you."
"Rejection hurts. Plain and simple," Oshitari answered he was trying to be stronger than he felt for the sake of the other boy, "But, I always find it's better to know the truth than to wonder what you could have someone without ever telling them." This was truthful, but this was also his habit which he cursed. At the moment he couldn't decide whether he wanted Yuuta to date Mizuki. Part of Oshitari thought it'd be better if he was rejected since then maybe Oshitari would have a chance with him. On the other hand though, he did want the boy to be happy. He gave the cake to Yuuta with good intentions and he intended to see the boy in front of him happy.
For the time being, however, Mizuki was farther from 'happy' than he'd ever been in his entire life. He was afraid of talking to Yuuta. (He would not admit to this.) He was nervous about what to say. (This, he would admit to, and had been running scenarios for all week.) He was terrified of being rejected. (This was mostly subconcious.) He was guilty for making Oshitari feel like crap. He was ashamed of crying. And to top it all off, he was bitter about where everything was headed. He didn't know of rejection on this level, so he had no words of comfort for the other boy. "....But I didn't...h-have to do it...like I did." He'd been cruel, and only because he'd been irritated.
"I disagree," and Oshitari was actually being honest there, "If you hadn't put it so bluntly, I'd probably continue to chase after you. Obviously I can't just turn around and stop liking you, but, until you are truly open and available, I'll put my feelings on a slight hold. I'm sorry for putting you in a situation you clearly weren't ready for," here he was referring to Yuuta, "But, it seemed like you'd never do anything about it. And - if you don't get to someone soon enough, you never know how quickly their heart may be swayed in another direction," here he was referring to Chieko, Oshitari let out a sigh. He didn't really want to be comforting at the moment, but what option did he have? Just make it through five more minutes, he told himself.
Somehow the words were far from comforting. Mizuki stared hard at his bare feet, his head hanging under the combined weight of shame and guilt, and was silent for a few moments. How could the other boy be so forgiving? And here he was, holding a grudge stubbornly against him after over a week. (Though he felt he had a damn good reason for it.) For some reason, he felt like he owed Oshitari something. "...If..." Mizuki paused, carefully considering his words, "...When.. Yuuta-kun... rejects me.. I'll.. give this another chance--You don't have to leave."
Oshitari patted the smaller boy on the head, "I keep my word. If he rejects you, I'll leave. And, I do mean -if-, because I don't think that he will," and then he added quieter, "He doesn't know what he's missing in the event that he does."
Why was it that Oshitari was so much more optimistic than he was? Or...was it pessimism for him, and optimism for Mizuki? The shorter boy wasn't sure anymore. "But... I..don't want you to leave.."
Oshitari felt his breath stiffen a bit at that, "Please do not mess with me about this. It'll only make it harder to think that I may still have a chance with you."
"I'm not playing around," Mizuki mumbled, looking up at the other finally, his face miserable. "Isn't it obvious? I couldn't even lie properly if I wantedto."
"I don't think I'd be satisfied if I was merely a rebound. I don't know. I honestly don't. But, you wouldn't pick me before him, and I don't think I could take that," Oshitari responded flatly. Many thoughts were running through his head now.
"So, you want to leave then?" The dark haired boy looked more miserable at the thought and his eyes finally broke contact, glancing toward the wall. "...Of course I picked Yuuta-kun. I liked him long before I knew you existed..." Somewhere along the line, Mizuki had stopped crying, though his face was flushed and tired in the aftermath. "That doesn't mean I want you gone." Well, it did a few hours ago. Something had changed and he was almost ready to forget his unreasonable grudge.
Oshitari nodded, "I would probably feel the same way in your situation." He actually had to wonder if he would. Knowing him, he would have been rejected from Yuuta long ago though, and ready to move on to someone much hotter and better at his new school, "I'd like to leave, yes. I told you I would. I gave you my word, and so I will," Oshitari frowned. He did unfortunately have unfinished business here. But, he'd move on from that.
Mizuki looked disappointed, as if that confirmation was the last thing he'd wanted to hear at the moment. "Oh..." It was soft but laced with pain--the dull ache that he was trying to hide. He knew it probably shone in his eyes too, so he kept them focused on the floor. Oshitari had been the first person to sustain a 'friendship' with him for more than a week, and as much as it killed him to admit it, Mizuki felt lonely at the idea of him leaving.
"I await you telling me how it all turns out, don't be sad. We'll keep in touch," Oshitari said with a slightly fake-smile.
"Right..." The smaller boy mumbled much in the same way. He was tired of all this stupid drama and it was finally catching up with him.
"You look quite tired now, have a rest, and give me a call with more information, okay?" Oshitari asked, and then offered, "I can stay here if you'd like until you fall asleep."
Mizuki wasn't sure how he felt anymore. He'd gotten used to the grudge he'd been holding, so hating and acting rude toward the other had become comfortable. This instability was nowhere neart comfort. Were they friends again? Were they still on bad terms? Was he forgiven? Had he forgiven Oshitari? The shorter boy sighed heavily, finally nodding slightly. "...I'd like that," he admitted quitely as he glanced toward his bed through the open door.
Oshitari nodded, still feeling rather drained from the tears, and wondering if he would take a nap himself. He took a seat in the boy's desk chair and watched Mizuki.
Normally, he'd feel awkward having someone watch him, but Mizuki was far too tired and empty to care. He dug through a drawer quietly, pulling out a random loose Tshirt and slipping out of his school top. He didn't give Oshitari a second though when changing clothes--he himself was unusally apathetic after all that, and he was sure the other boy didn't care much either. Probably. He pulled on the shirt and lazily dug through another drawer before changing into loose shorts. Mizuki pushed his discarded clothes to the side, not even able to bring himself to clean up, and flopped onto his bed. It was only after a few moments that he muttered something to Oshitari, though it was muffled by his pillow. He felt like such a bum, not even bothering to get under the covers.
It hurt a bit to watch the other boy change - remembering that the body he was watching would -never- be his, and so Oshitari did something he was not used to doing - he respected Mizuki and looked away. Oshitari noticed that the boy had not bothered to put himself under covers and so he went into the closet and searched for extra sheets - the school had required that you bring two or three sets of bedding and he figured Mizuki's was in there (at least that was where Oshitari kept his). Finding a blanket, he took it down and placed it over the smaller boy. As he did it, he noticed again how good looking the other boy was and considered kissing him - rather like he had when the smaller boy was drunk. He leaned in, but heard the voice again, and merely allowed silent tears to roll down his cheeks as he wandered back over to Mizuki's desk.
Mizuki rolled onto his side after a moment, one hand pulling the blanket closer as he did so. He struggled to keep his eyes open--they were still slightly red-rimmed and swollen from crying. From where he was lying, fighting to stay awake (had the beds always been this comfortable?), he couldn't tell that Oshitari was crying again. "...Are you tired too?" He asked softly.
Oshitari winced, he had hoped the boy would just roll over and sleep, and allow him to cry in peace, his answer was simple though, "Yes." And so he was able to avoid allowing his voice to crack.
His eyes fluttered shut but he brought a hand up to rub at them, trying to cling to conciousness. "...You can sleep here..." he mumbled, his other hand patting the empty space next to him, "...if you want." Mizuki had silently decided to let go of his grudge for now. There were, after all, more important things he had to plan and harassing Oshitari Yuushi was not one of them.
Oshitari almost smiled and said, "I'll. Pass. Thanks." He wondered why everyone seemed to do this to him - Chieko seemed to have no qualms about it. He must be the only person in the world that did not view sleeping in the same bed as someone as a 'friendly' gesture but rather an intimate one. Even if they weren't sleeping together. He knew he would not disturb Mizuki with his tears, but he had no intention of allowing the other boy to let him think that he meant something to Mizuki. Otherwise it would only be harder to get over him.
Mizuki made a soft noise of protest, though it wasn't really a word at all. He groggily opened one eye, his hand still rubbing at the other one. "...Please? I want you to." ok, so he was selfish and wanted to be friends again. It was something he'd always been used to--he grew up thinking about himself after all. However, it didn't come across as completely self-centered, not with the way his voice sounded. It was sincere, and perhaps a little desperate. Oshitari was, after all, his closest friend. Or had been.
Oshitari took a deep breath, "Mizuki...It's not...that I don't want to...Fine." He was after all too tired to argue and at this point hoping that the other boy was too tired to hear the slight cracks in his voice as he had tried to answer Mizuki, he stumbled over to the bed and laid down, facing away from Mizuki. He was too afraid to look at the boy for fear of doing something to him or desiring to.
Perhaps it was cruel to do this, like teasing the other with something he'd never fully own, but Mizuki was tired and sad and a hell of a lot of things he'd rather not be right now. Most of all though, he was subconciously looking for some form of comfort, anything that would reassure him that he wasn't going to lose one of his only friends after all. (Especially if he lost Yuuta too.) He pulled at his blanket some before draping a portion of it over the taller boy. He left his arm lying on Oshitari in a half hug, his face pressed against the other's back. It had been years since he'd slept like this with another human (the last being the sister closest to him in age, after a nightmare of all things) and he was surprisingly pleased with how comforting the warmth was.
Oshitari almost instantly arched his back away, but felt himself push slightly closer to the other boy. What a cocktease. This was something he'd never have. He told himself to enjoy it while he could but for some reason his eyes were wide, and now he found it impossible to sleep. Temperature wise, Mizuki was warm, but the loneliness Oshitari was feeling left him rather cold. He felt utterly miserable, as tears continued to roll down his face silently.
Mizuki, on the other hand, was unaware of the effects of his actions and was quite comfortable now. He opened his eyes part way but found it hard to keep them from sliding shut. Instead, he rubbed his face against the other boy's back and mumbled into the fabric of his shirt, "We're ok, right? Together?" He wanted to be forgiven, and perhaps that was evident in his voice, but his poor word choice stemmed entirely from his exhaustion. Honestly, when you're trying to focus on staying awake enough to even form syllables, words like 'together' taking the place of 'friends' kind of makes sense.
Oshitari winced, he could understand what the boy wanted. It was friendship, and clearly he was sad about nearly losing his friend, nothing more but still the words were touching Oshitari oddly, and painfully, "We're. Fine. Sleep, Mizuki." He tried to sound reassuring but he wasn't feeling that way. What had he done to deserve this? Why couldn't the tears stop? Why was his head pounding? And why? After all of this? Did he still find the other boy desirable? This must be hell, Oshitari thought as a tear slid down his face.
It was hard not to do as the other said, especially when his eyes had already fallen closed. The warmth was nice. The comfort was nice. The feeling of being forgiven was nice. And yet...Mizuki couldn't help but wonder if all these things were only nice because it was coming from Oshitari. "...I'm sorry..." he whispered without really knowing what he was saying, his mind already clouded with the approaching unconciousness. "....I really.. think....we.. could have...been..." He trailed off without finishing his mumbled subconcious and his breathing evened out a few moments later, signaling that he'd finally given into sleep.
Oshitari looked downward and dared not to read too far into the words, though they hit him in an odd way - he knew what Mizuki had meant and it took all of his control not to scream at the boy for that. But, he knew it would have helped neither of them. He waited until he heard his breathing even out and then he got out of the bed. He stood for a moment and stared at the other boy and returned back to his seat at Mizuki's desk. He refused to fall asleep in bed with the boy.
Mizuki was silent for a long time and the only sounds were those of his soft breathing. He looked so different when he slept--his face was calm, relaxed and open, as opposed to the guarded, cold glares or sly smirks he'd wear when awake. If one didn't know him, they'd probably assume he was a soft-spoken, polite, and fragile boy--certainly not the independent, self-confident, sneaky bastard that he was. After a moment or two more his hand twitched, not feeling any warmth where Oshitari had once been laying. Mizuki groaned softly, rolling onto his back, but he fell silent once more. The stillness of the room was broken a little sooner than before when the sleeping boy mumbled softly, "Yu...Yuushi-kun..."
Oshitari glared at the smaller boy from his chair and covered his mouth because even -he- could not hold back making sounds with his tears when he heard that. Fuck Mizuki making me think he still wants me... he thought angrily. He truly wished he could forget all his attraction to the smaller boy, but it was proving impossible.
Another soft noise and he rolled onto his side again, one leg exposed as he became slightly tangled in the blanket with one arm under the pillow and the other laying where Oshitari had been almost an hour ago. "....Please..." he breathed quitely, his face contorting a little, as if he would cry.
Oshitari sighed and asked aloud, "What is it that you want from me?" t came out rather jumbled because he was still tearing, but he didn't even bother controlling it. Hearing Mizuki beg, and plead like some kind of lover using his first name, pissed him off.
The hand that wasn't under the pillow reached out slightly against the bed spread, as if trying to grab something. It trembled weakly and fell still before Mizuki gave an almost inaudible whimper. A few beads of wetness at collected at the corners of his eyes, but it was probably hard to see from where Oshitari was sitting. ".....please." It was the same beg, but there was an obvious tone of sadness in it this time.
Oshitari stood up and walked over to the boy, he sat on the bed and ran a hand through Mizuki's hair. Oshitari was still crying but he couldn't do much of anything about it. Clearly it would only be more painful if Mizuki stayed crying out to him and whatnot.
The smaller boy seemed to relax a bit at the gentle contact, the tension in his shoulders and back fading considerably. Mizuki sighed softly, his expression returning to once of peace. "....Yuu.."
Oshitari winced, he started to say 'Don't call me that' but friends did use first names some of the time, didn't they? It felt to him much more like a lovers thing, or something. With one hand he held the other boy's hand, and with the other he ran his fingers through the smaller boy's hair, it hurt him to do so, but it would be better than hearing any more of this almost moaning.
Mizuki was quiet for much longer this time, his dreams apparently no longer making him upset. He still seemed rather pleased with the soft petting and contact though. When he finally muttered again, it was gentle--but in an odd way. It was honest, heartfelt and perhaps even a little self concious, ".....I love you.."
Oshitari sighed in response and whispered mostly to himself, "I am not whoever you are mistaking me for," and then the meaning of the words registered in his own head and he felt his face contort slightly and tears slid yet again down his cheeks.
The sleeping boy didn't seem to register Oshitari's words, only the comfort. Another pause, before he followed the confession in the same loving tone, ".....Yuuta-kun."
Oshitari jerked back both hands in pain and hissed, "Fuck you."
Mizuki didn't react to the loss of comfort but just rolled over instead. Apparently, in his dreams at least, his Yuuta scenarios worked out so he was happy enough to continue sleeping. It was almost mocking, though none of it had been intended for Oshitari to hear.
And Oshitari slammed a fist on Mizuki's bed before leaving the room, slamming the door behind him.