RP Log: Yukimura & Ryoma
Date: Monday, January 8th
Rating: R for language and talk of sex.
Summary: Yukimura takes Echizen up on his offer to listen, and recieves a new perspective in return.
(Note: This is me, Zomi, as I play with myself for nearly 10 pages. So it's only sort of an RP log...could pass for fic.)
Yukimura took his usual seat at the little café across from the Agency. The same café where he’d reunited with Sanada. Today, he was supposed to be meeting this…Echizen character, to talk.
He felt a little bad, asking someone he didn’t even know to listen to his troubles… But it had been Echizen who’d made the offer, and Yukimura assumed that the offer wouldn’t have been made if the tech hadn’t been serious.
So here he was, ankle still wrapped in tape, just as tight and firm as Sanada had done it that morning, waiting for someone he didn’t even know. Echizen had assured him that he’d be able to find Yukimura, so the agent just sat and waited, sipping on his tea to pass the time.
Ryoma stepped into the café, the bell on the door tinkling a little as it shut behind him. He scanned the place for Yukimura, knowing what the other man looked like from having pulled his personnel file earlier. It was always good to put a face to the name.
He spotted Yukimura in a booth, sipping at a cup of tea, and headed over.
“Yukimura-san?” he asked, sliding into the seat across from the agent. “Echizen Ryoma. Pleased to meet you.”
Yukimura looked up from his tea, only to find himself looking at the face of someone younger than himself. Kinda cute, too.
“Aah. Likewise. It’s good to finally put a face to the name,” he said, smiling. “You know… I feel bad. About to dump all my personal problems on a person I’ve just met.”
Ryoma waved it off. “Don’t worry about it. It’s easier, sometimes, to talk to someone who doesn’t already know you. Don’t have to worry about keeping up pretenses or anything like that.”
Ryoma remembered having done it a few times himself, when he was younger. He always felt better afterwards, and it was nice to get a new outlook on things.
“So. Talk away,” he grinned. “As long as you have no problem with me being honest with you when you’re done.”
Yukimura smiled. “I’d like that, actually.” Maybe Echizen would tell him that he wasn’t being a fool by denying himself…
“It’s really personal stuff, so…just stop me if it bothers you at all… And I’m afraid there’s not really a good way to condense it…”
“Just go for it, Yukimura-san. Trust me, I’ve heard my fair share of TMI conversations. And I’ve got time for the long version anyway,” Ryoma grinned.
Yukimura chuckled, then began.
“Gen and I met when we were kids. We grew up as best friends, schoolmates. I’m two years older, so we were never in the same class, but we hung out all the time, had lunch together, things like that. He was…is my best friend. I wouldn’t trade my friendship with him for the world.”
“When I was 14, just started high school, I lost my virginity. To my male biology teacher. I’d had a kind of crush on him, and started spending time with him outside of class for tutoring sessions that, at first, I really did need. But he started making passes at me, and…even though I knew I shouldn’t…I made passes at him back. One thing led to another, and next thing I knew I’d just had sex with him.” Yukimura paused, taking a sip of his tea.
“But the next day in class…I felt nothing. Looking at him from my seat, he was just a teacher. Just some guy. It was like everything about him that I’d found attractive just…wasn’t there anymore. It was the same way with the next guy I slept with. And the guy after that.”
Ryoma raised an eyebrow at the story, but said nothing.
The waitress stopped by the table, and Ryoma ordered himself some hot cocoa, then nodded at Yukimura to let the other know he was still listening.
Yukimura took a deep breath before continuing.
“After I’d lost my virginity, it was a little weird between me and Gen. Just for a little bit. I started noticing him the way I’d noticed the guys I’d slept with. He was growing up, getting taller than me, more muscular than me…”
“But he was my best friend, and I wasn’t just going to randomly sleep with him. I lusted after him, and I knew it, but I never once acted on it.”
“Then, when Gen was 21, and I was 23, he told me that he loved me. Loved me. And by then……By then I knew that I wasn’t just lusting after him… So help me, I was in love with him.” Yukimura shook his head at himself. “But I turned him down.”
“Things got awkward after that. I kept trying to pretend that it hadn’t happened, that he hadn’t confessed to me, that I hadn’t wanted to accept it. But after a few months of unbearable awkwardness between us, I took off. I… I ran. From him, from love.”
Wow. Ryoma could only really imagine it…being in that kind of situation. He didn’t completely see why Yukimura hadn’t accepted…but figured it had to do with the bit about losing interest in a guy after he’d slept with him. Ryoma could understand that much. He’d quite probably have done the same.
The waitress returned with Echizen’s hot cocoa, and more tea for himself. Yukimura waited until she’d left before continuing.
“Three years later, at 26, I joined the Agency. Until then, I’d had some job my parents approved of, something boring and full of paperwork. They were pacifists, tried to teach me to be non-violent. They hated my interest in martial arts, of course.”
“But that’s beside the point. The job I’d had… It wasn’t enough of a distraction, and it wasn’t me using my full ability. So I joined the Agency, as an agent, knowing that my parents would hate it, but also knowing that all the training and missions and things would keep me occupied enough to not think about where Gen was or what he was doing with his life.”
“We reunited, recently, when I found out that Gen had joined the Agency. Apparently, about a year after I’d taken off, he joined the Navy. Did a five year tour before becoming an agent trainee with the Agency. I figured, working in the same building, for the same organization, would make avoiding him rather difficult, so I might as well suck it up and talk to him again.”
“Things were weird, right?” Ryoma assumed so, but… He felt like somehow, there was something Yukimura was leaving out. He didn’t want to press, though, since he’d only just met the guy.
Maybe Yukimura would tell him on his own.
“Not really, no. Not at first. ………Not until every reason I’d had for leaving came back to me. I’d succeeded at distracting myself, even after my injury a year ago.”
Yukimura cupped his hands around his warm mug of tea, staring down into it. Distracting himself… By being a complete and utter slut.
“Distracting yourself?” Ryoma asked, picking up his cocoa and blowing on it a little before taking a sip.
Yukimura hung his head. He wasn’t proud of it, the way he’d been. “The same way I had…back in high school.”
He sighed. “I used to try and count how many people I slept with. By the time I was 15, I’d lost count,” he chuckled, the sound more dark and melancholy than it should be. “Not even a full year, and I’d had so many partners that I couldn’t keep track anymore. Add another 14 years of a similar level of…sluttiness… …And keep in mind that I’ve never slept with the same man twice.”
Ryoma’s eyes widened. “That’s… Wow.” Holy frikkin’ cow. That made for a LOT of sex. And a LOT of partners. “I can’t imagine letting that many guys do me.”
Yukimura’s lips quirked into a wry, lopsided smile. “With the exception of a small handful, I’ve been the one doing, not the one getting done. And I’m careful. I always use condoms, or make the guy wear one. And I get tested every year. Still clean, somehow.” He was amazed, actually, that he’d not caught some kind of STD, what with all his random sex and random partners.
He sipped at his fresh cup of tea, letting the warmth spread through him.
“Okay, so…You’re in love with your best friend, this…Gen…” Ryoma began, trying to put the pieces together.
“Sanada Genichirou. I’ve called him Gen for longer than I can remember.”
Ryoma nodded. “You’re in love with Sanada. He was in love with you… I take it he still is, if it’s this much of a problem?”
Yukimura nodded. “He is. He’s made that…crystal clear.”
“Sounds like it’s perfect, to me. You love him, he loves you. I kinda hate to say it, but I don’t really see the problem here, Yukimura-san,” Ryoma admitted, feeling a little confused.
“If you guys are so in love with each other…what’s stopping you two from being together?”
“Me,” Yukimura replied simply, letting out a heavy sigh.
Silence reigned for a moment, before Yukimura realized that he should probably give Echizen a better explanation than that.
“I’m…absolutely terrified of it. Of…letting myself love him. I’m a slut, I’ve been around the block more times than I can count. And no matter how attracted to a man I’ve been before sleeping with him, afterwards, it’s always gone.” He paused, to try to control the shakiness that was trying to creep into his voice.
“I’m afraid that…if I let myself go down that road…I’ll ruin the best friendship I’ve ever had. That I’ll wake up the next morning and…feel nothing for him.”
Yukimura was silent a moment, staring down into his tea, at the little tendrils of steam rising off the cup.
“I don’t want to…ruin what we already have,” Yukimura added, one hand moving to finger the dogtag Sanada had given him for Christmas. Faithful Friend…
Ryoma tossed things around in his head for a few moments. He’d been right…that Yukimura was afraid of losing interest in this Sanada guy after sleeping with him. It…was a little overboard, but he could understand it. Especially if it’s been that way with each guy that Yukimura had had any kind of attraction to.
Something dawned on Ryoma, then, and he grinned a little to himself. It was a “what if”… But it might be right.
“I can’t say I blame you. If I were in your shoes, I’d be scared too. But… Er. I’m about to be really blunt, so forgive me,” Ryoma apologized, knowing there were some people who would find offense at what he was about to say.
“You’re a fucking idiot, Yukimura-san.”
Yukimura blinked. Well, apparently Echizen hadn’t been lying when he’d said he was about to be very blunt. That… It couldn’t get much more blunt than that.
He wasn’t insulted, really. He knew he’d done a lot of stupid things. But still, he was curious why Echizen would put it that way.
“Do explain, Echizen-san. I agree I’ve done some idiotic things in my life…”
Ryoma felt a little bad… Maybe that was too blunt.
“Well. Here’s how I’m looking at it. This Sanada guy means so much to you, both as a friend and as more, that you don’t want to do anything to risk losing it. And he… Well, I don’t know him, or his side of the story, but he’s still in love with you. You keep turning him down, but you can’t push him away. And he keeps staying by your side, right?”
Yukimura nodded. “Faithful friend, as always,” he said softly, still hating that those words stung to think, even more to say.
“So he obviously is gonna do whatever it takes to keep you in his life. You’ve been friends with him since you were kids. Not all friendships like that last into adulthood. I’ve seen them fall apart. But yours has lasted, which means it’s real, and evolving, and changing to fit as the two of you grow and change. It’s not the kind of friendship to take for granted.”
“I’m not taking it for granted. It’s exactly because it’s that kind of friendship that I won’t do anything to risk ruining it, Echizen-san.” Yukimura blinked back tears. He would not cry, not in front of someone he’d just met. He was stronger than that…really…
“But it’s causing you pain. You don’t want to lose it… But let me guess. You’re here, talking to me, because you can’t run from it anymore. You can’t run from how much you love him…how much you want to love him.”
Ryoma watched Yukimura’s reaction to his words, noting the tear-filled eyes, and his gut told him he was right on target.
“I’d be fine… If I hadn’t made this stupid New Year’s resolution to myself. To quit going to bars and getting myself drunk and sleeping with the first guy to hit on me…” Yukimura’s voice came out strained. Talking about it…hearing someone point out things that really should’ve been obvious to him…
He bit his lip, trying to keep some semblance of self-control. They were in public, for crying out loud. It would look ridiculous for him to break down and sob like some kind of child.
If Ryoma knew Yukimura more, better, could call the guy his friend, he’d switch seats and hug the guy. He looked so…almost broken, sitting there across from him like that.
But sometimes… Sometimes, in order to fix just the part that was broken, you had to take the whole damn thing apart and put it back together. And that’s what Ryoma was trying to do.
“I bet you did it…because you don’t feel like you’re worthy of his love. Because you’ve been being a slut - sorry, your words - sleeping around with god-only-knows how many guys, only to distract yourself from how you feel for him. And deep down inside, you want to be better than this. Denying yourself has made you fucking miserable, and you want to set things right. You want to be happy. And some part of you knows that your happiness and Sanada are tied together.”
Yukimura felt a tear slide down his cheek. Damn it. He was not supposed to be crying.
But still… He had to wonder about how right Echizen was. Had he known, subconsciously, that he could only be really, truly happy…with Sanada? He did know that, even with all the tension between them, Sanada was still the one he felt best around.
Did Sanada even know that he held…such power over Yukimura’s emotions? One look, one word, one gesture was all it took to make or break Yukimura’s day.
And the dogtag…immortalizing Sanada’s position as “friend”… It was a bittersweet gift… And Yukimura was still concluding that perhaps…he hated it more than he loved it. Because it felt like a wall was built, to stop them at “just friends.”
“It…wouldn’t work between us. I… He’d get upset at me for so many things…” Yukimura tried. He knew, though, that it was a weak attempt.
“You’re probably right, about him getting upset. But I’d bet just about anything that those things he’d get upset about as your lover are no different from the things he’d get upset about as your friend. The only difference, maybe, would be the reaction that he lets you see,” Ryoma thought aloud. “I mean, honestly, if I were him…That’s how I’d be. If we were just friends, I wouldn’t let myself show as strong a reaction, because it wasn’t my place, and I’d want to respect your space, to respect your independent will as a person. But as your lover, I’d be more open, more honest, because that’s what lovers are.”
“Yukimura-san…” Ryoma reached out, resting his hand gently on the other’s wrist. If Yukimura was a friend, Ryoma probably would have grabbed his hand.
He changed his tone, because what he was about to say was probably the one thing that would have the most impact. His little realization, something that Yukimura might never have thought of.
“Yukimura-san. Has it…ever occurred to you…that the reason you felt nothing for all those guys after you slept with them…was because you didn’t really love them? That…if you slept with someone you were in love with…those feelings would stay? That you’d still be in love with them the day after…and the day after that, and the day after that…”
Yukimura’s gaze had moved from the steam from his tea to Echizen’s hand on his wrist. It stayed there as he listened, sure that whatever Echizen was saying was going to be important or the other wouldn’t have tried such a gesture.
And he listened.
And listened. And then thought about it.
It couldn’t be…right? That he’d lost any feelings for those other men…because what he felt for them wasn’t really true in the first place?
Well…it was true that Sanada was the only man Yukimura had ever said he loved…was in love with…
His brow furrowed as he thought. If Echizen was right…
…If Echizen was right…then Yukimura wouldn’t have to worry. If Echizen was right…
But what if he was wrong?
…But what if he was right?
“I’d……never thought of that…”
Ryoma nodded softly. He’d suspected as much.
“Yukimura-san,” he began, tone still soft. “I admit…I might be wrong. I don’t know you hardly at all…and I don’t even know what your Sanada looks like, much less what kind of guy he is. I don’t know all the ins and outs of your relationship…and I certainly don’t want to end up ruining it for you. It’s just… Either way, you won’t know unless you do something about it.”
Ryoma slid his hand from the other’s wrist, giving back the stolen personal space.
“You won’t know until you try. And…maybe you’ll let yourself love him after this. Maybe you won’t. Maybe you’ll sleep with him and discover that it’s just like all the rest. Maybe you’ll sleep with him and discover that you love him then as much as you do now, maybe even more.”
Ryoma wanted to give some kind of promise or guarantee to Yukimura, that it wouldn’t end badly between him and Sanada. But he couldn’t. He only knew one side of things, only even kinda knew one of the people involved.
“It’s up to you what you do, but…at least maybe I’ve given you a new perspective on things?”
Yukimura nodded. “You…might be right…Echizen-san. Those other men…the ones I felt nothing for afterwards…” He chuckled a little. “I didn’t feel much for them to begin with.”
Ryoma was reminded of a quote by one of his old friends. “’Lust is something easily satisfied. Feed it once and you’re done. Love is something that is alive and growing, something that must be nurtured and taken care of.’ A friend of mine said that once. I think it fits, for you.”
Yukimura thought about it a bit, then nodded. “It does. And…you know… The more I think about it…the more I think you really might be right. Hell, some of the guys I slept with I didn’t even lust after. I was just drunk and running from myself, and they provided a distraction.”
Yukimura gave Echizen a smile, a real one. “Thank you, Echizen-san. You’ve given me…a lot to think about. And definitely a new perspective. I…don’t know yet what I’ll do… But I do feel better, having talked about it to someone. And you’re amazingly perceptive.”
Ryoma shrugged. “I watch a lot of people. Well…I used to, anyway. Not quite as much anymore. And I’m glad you feel better. I hope…” He wanted to say that he hoped Yukimura and Sanada got together, or something equally as positive. But it was out of his own control.
“I hope you find something…that’s a better solution for you. I hope you find some way to be happy, regardless of what you do concerning Sanada.”
Yukimura chuckled, and this time, it was a happy sound. It was amazing how much better he felt, just saying it someone. And a new perspective? Even better, even more amazing.
“You almost sound pessimistic, Echizen-san,” he teased, flagging the waitress down and paying their checks. He’d already told her while he was waiting that he was paying for whatever the other got.
“Gen and I have been friends for practically our entire lives. And like you said, our friendship is the kind that changes over time. We’ll…find some way to make it work, no matter what roads we both choose. Neither one of us is willing to end our relationship without a fight,” Yukimura grinned. “We’ll figure something out, I have no doubts about that.”
He reached a hand out towards Echizen. “Thank you.”
Ryoma took Yukimura’s hand and shook it, smiling at the attitude change in the agent. “Think nothing of it, Yukimura-san. I’m glad I could help at all.” He stood up and pulled his jacket back on, getting ready to go, watching as Yukimura did the same.
“You know how to reach me if you feel like talking again,” he smiled.
Yukimura nodded and smiled, grabbing his cane from its hiding spot under the table. “I’ll keep that in mind. And if I can ever do a favor for you, Echizen-san, feel free to ask it. I know…that the outcome of this talk is not yet determined, but I owe you for your insight on it, at least.”
Ryoma laughed a little as they walked towards the door. “I’m damn curious, so I’m not just gonna go home and forget about it. I’ll keep wondering how you and Sanada are doing. The only thing I ask is that you keep me updated on how things are going between you two, okay?”
Yukimura grinned. “I think I can manage that,” he replied. “I’ll keep in touch, and I’ll let you know should anything happen.” Yukimura winked, carefully stepping into the cool night.
Ryoma grinned back. “Be sure you do. I know where you work, after all,” he taunted, giving a wave over his shoulder as he headed off.
Yukimura smiled to himself. That Echizen.
Rating: R for language and talk of sex.
Summary: Yukimura takes Echizen up on his offer to listen, and recieves a new perspective in return.
(Note: This is me, Zomi, as I play with myself for nearly 10 pages. So it's only sort of an RP log...could pass for fic.)
Yukimura took his usual seat at the little café across from the Agency. The same café where he’d reunited with Sanada. Today, he was supposed to be meeting this…Echizen character, to talk.
He felt a little bad, asking someone he didn’t even know to listen to his troubles… But it had been Echizen who’d made the offer, and Yukimura assumed that the offer wouldn’t have been made if the tech hadn’t been serious.
So here he was, ankle still wrapped in tape, just as tight and firm as Sanada had done it that morning, waiting for someone he didn’t even know. Echizen had assured him that he’d be able to find Yukimura, so the agent just sat and waited, sipping on his tea to pass the time.
Ryoma stepped into the café, the bell on the door tinkling a little as it shut behind him. He scanned the place for Yukimura, knowing what the other man looked like from having pulled his personnel file earlier. It was always good to put a face to the name.
He spotted Yukimura in a booth, sipping at a cup of tea, and headed over.
“Yukimura-san?” he asked, sliding into the seat across from the agent. “Echizen Ryoma. Pleased to meet you.”
Yukimura looked up from his tea, only to find himself looking at the face of someone younger than himself. Kinda cute, too.
“Aah. Likewise. It’s good to finally put a face to the name,” he said, smiling. “You know… I feel bad. About to dump all my personal problems on a person I’ve just met.”
Ryoma waved it off. “Don’t worry about it. It’s easier, sometimes, to talk to someone who doesn’t already know you. Don’t have to worry about keeping up pretenses or anything like that.”
Ryoma remembered having done it a few times himself, when he was younger. He always felt better afterwards, and it was nice to get a new outlook on things.
“So. Talk away,” he grinned. “As long as you have no problem with me being honest with you when you’re done.”
Yukimura smiled. “I’d like that, actually.” Maybe Echizen would tell him that he wasn’t being a fool by denying himself…
“It’s really personal stuff, so…just stop me if it bothers you at all… And I’m afraid there’s not really a good way to condense it…”
“Just go for it, Yukimura-san. Trust me, I’ve heard my fair share of TMI conversations. And I’ve got time for the long version anyway,” Ryoma grinned.
Yukimura chuckled, then began.
“Gen and I met when we were kids. We grew up as best friends, schoolmates. I’m two years older, so we were never in the same class, but we hung out all the time, had lunch together, things like that. He was…is my best friend. I wouldn’t trade my friendship with him for the world.”
“When I was 14, just started high school, I lost my virginity. To my male biology teacher. I’d had a kind of crush on him, and started spending time with him outside of class for tutoring sessions that, at first, I really did need. But he started making passes at me, and…even though I knew I shouldn’t…I made passes at him back. One thing led to another, and next thing I knew I’d just had sex with him.” Yukimura paused, taking a sip of his tea.
“But the next day in class…I felt nothing. Looking at him from my seat, he was just a teacher. Just some guy. It was like everything about him that I’d found attractive just…wasn’t there anymore. It was the same way with the next guy I slept with. And the guy after that.”
Ryoma raised an eyebrow at the story, but said nothing.
The waitress stopped by the table, and Ryoma ordered himself some hot cocoa, then nodded at Yukimura to let the other know he was still listening.
Yukimura took a deep breath before continuing.
“After I’d lost my virginity, it was a little weird between me and Gen. Just for a little bit. I started noticing him the way I’d noticed the guys I’d slept with. He was growing up, getting taller than me, more muscular than me…”
“But he was my best friend, and I wasn’t just going to randomly sleep with him. I lusted after him, and I knew it, but I never once acted on it.”
“Then, when Gen was 21, and I was 23, he told me that he loved me. Loved me. And by then……By then I knew that I wasn’t just lusting after him… So help me, I was in love with him.” Yukimura shook his head at himself. “But I turned him down.”
“Things got awkward after that. I kept trying to pretend that it hadn’t happened, that he hadn’t confessed to me, that I hadn’t wanted to accept it. But after a few months of unbearable awkwardness between us, I took off. I… I ran. From him, from love.”
Wow. Ryoma could only really imagine it…being in that kind of situation. He didn’t completely see why Yukimura hadn’t accepted…but figured it had to do with the bit about losing interest in a guy after he’d slept with him. Ryoma could understand that much. He’d quite probably have done the same.
The waitress returned with Echizen’s hot cocoa, and more tea for himself. Yukimura waited until she’d left before continuing.
“Three years later, at 26, I joined the Agency. Until then, I’d had some job my parents approved of, something boring and full of paperwork. They were pacifists, tried to teach me to be non-violent. They hated my interest in martial arts, of course.”
“But that’s beside the point. The job I’d had… It wasn’t enough of a distraction, and it wasn’t me using my full ability. So I joined the Agency, as an agent, knowing that my parents would hate it, but also knowing that all the training and missions and things would keep me occupied enough to not think about where Gen was or what he was doing with his life.”
“We reunited, recently, when I found out that Gen had joined the Agency. Apparently, about a year after I’d taken off, he joined the Navy. Did a five year tour before becoming an agent trainee with the Agency. I figured, working in the same building, for the same organization, would make avoiding him rather difficult, so I might as well suck it up and talk to him again.”
“Things were weird, right?” Ryoma assumed so, but… He felt like somehow, there was something Yukimura was leaving out. He didn’t want to press, though, since he’d only just met the guy.
Maybe Yukimura would tell him on his own.
“Not really, no. Not at first. ………Not until every reason I’d had for leaving came back to me. I’d succeeded at distracting myself, even after my injury a year ago.”
Yukimura cupped his hands around his warm mug of tea, staring down into it. Distracting himself… By being a complete and utter slut.
“Distracting yourself?” Ryoma asked, picking up his cocoa and blowing on it a little before taking a sip.
Yukimura hung his head. He wasn’t proud of it, the way he’d been. “The same way I had…back in high school.”
He sighed. “I used to try and count how many people I slept with. By the time I was 15, I’d lost count,” he chuckled, the sound more dark and melancholy than it should be. “Not even a full year, and I’d had so many partners that I couldn’t keep track anymore. Add another 14 years of a similar level of…sluttiness… …And keep in mind that I’ve never slept with the same man twice.”
Ryoma’s eyes widened. “That’s… Wow.” Holy frikkin’ cow. That made for a LOT of sex. And a LOT of partners. “I can’t imagine letting that many guys do me.”
Yukimura’s lips quirked into a wry, lopsided smile. “With the exception of a small handful, I’ve been the one doing, not the one getting done. And I’m careful. I always use condoms, or make the guy wear one. And I get tested every year. Still clean, somehow.” He was amazed, actually, that he’d not caught some kind of STD, what with all his random sex and random partners.
He sipped at his fresh cup of tea, letting the warmth spread through him.
“Okay, so…You’re in love with your best friend, this…Gen…” Ryoma began, trying to put the pieces together.
“Sanada Genichirou. I’ve called him Gen for longer than I can remember.”
Ryoma nodded. “You’re in love with Sanada. He was in love with you… I take it he still is, if it’s this much of a problem?”
Yukimura nodded. “He is. He’s made that…crystal clear.”
“Sounds like it’s perfect, to me. You love him, he loves you. I kinda hate to say it, but I don’t really see the problem here, Yukimura-san,” Ryoma admitted, feeling a little confused.
“If you guys are so in love with each other…what’s stopping you two from being together?”
“Me,” Yukimura replied simply, letting out a heavy sigh.
Silence reigned for a moment, before Yukimura realized that he should probably give Echizen a better explanation than that.
“I’m…absolutely terrified of it. Of…letting myself love him. I’m a slut, I’ve been around the block more times than I can count. And no matter how attracted to a man I’ve been before sleeping with him, afterwards, it’s always gone.” He paused, to try to control the shakiness that was trying to creep into his voice.
“I’m afraid that…if I let myself go down that road…I’ll ruin the best friendship I’ve ever had. That I’ll wake up the next morning and…feel nothing for him.”
Yukimura was silent a moment, staring down into his tea, at the little tendrils of steam rising off the cup.
“I don’t want to…ruin what we already have,” Yukimura added, one hand moving to finger the dogtag Sanada had given him for Christmas. Faithful Friend…
Ryoma tossed things around in his head for a few moments. He’d been right…that Yukimura was afraid of losing interest in this Sanada guy after sleeping with him. It…was a little overboard, but he could understand it. Especially if it’s been that way with each guy that Yukimura had had any kind of attraction to.
Something dawned on Ryoma, then, and he grinned a little to himself. It was a “what if”… But it might be right.
“I can’t say I blame you. If I were in your shoes, I’d be scared too. But… Er. I’m about to be really blunt, so forgive me,” Ryoma apologized, knowing there were some people who would find offense at what he was about to say.
“You’re a fucking idiot, Yukimura-san.”
Yukimura blinked. Well, apparently Echizen hadn’t been lying when he’d said he was about to be very blunt. That… It couldn’t get much more blunt than that.
He wasn’t insulted, really. He knew he’d done a lot of stupid things. But still, he was curious why Echizen would put it that way.
“Do explain, Echizen-san. I agree I’ve done some idiotic things in my life…”
Ryoma felt a little bad… Maybe that was too blunt.
“Well. Here’s how I’m looking at it. This Sanada guy means so much to you, both as a friend and as more, that you don’t want to do anything to risk losing it. And he… Well, I don’t know him, or his side of the story, but he’s still in love with you. You keep turning him down, but you can’t push him away. And he keeps staying by your side, right?”
Yukimura nodded. “Faithful friend, as always,” he said softly, still hating that those words stung to think, even more to say.
“So he obviously is gonna do whatever it takes to keep you in his life. You’ve been friends with him since you were kids. Not all friendships like that last into adulthood. I’ve seen them fall apart. But yours has lasted, which means it’s real, and evolving, and changing to fit as the two of you grow and change. It’s not the kind of friendship to take for granted.”
“I’m not taking it for granted. It’s exactly because it’s that kind of friendship that I won’t do anything to risk ruining it, Echizen-san.” Yukimura blinked back tears. He would not cry, not in front of someone he’d just met. He was stronger than that…really…
“But it’s causing you pain. You don’t want to lose it… But let me guess. You’re here, talking to me, because you can’t run from it anymore. You can’t run from how much you love him…how much you want to love him.”
Ryoma watched Yukimura’s reaction to his words, noting the tear-filled eyes, and his gut told him he was right on target.
“I’d be fine… If I hadn’t made this stupid New Year’s resolution to myself. To quit going to bars and getting myself drunk and sleeping with the first guy to hit on me…” Yukimura’s voice came out strained. Talking about it…hearing someone point out things that really should’ve been obvious to him…
He bit his lip, trying to keep some semblance of self-control. They were in public, for crying out loud. It would look ridiculous for him to break down and sob like some kind of child.
If Ryoma knew Yukimura more, better, could call the guy his friend, he’d switch seats and hug the guy. He looked so…almost broken, sitting there across from him like that.
But sometimes… Sometimes, in order to fix just the part that was broken, you had to take the whole damn thing apart and put it back together. And that’s what Ryoma was trying to do.
“I bet you did it…because you don’t feel like you’re worthy of his love. Because you’ve been being a slut - sorry, your words - sleeping around with god-only-knows how many guys, only to distract yourself from how you feel for him. And deep down inside, you want to be better than this. Denying yourself has made you fucking miserable, and you want to set things right. You want to be happy. And some part of you knows that your happiness and Sanada are tied together.”
Yukimura felt a tear slide down his cheek. Damn it. He was not supposed to be crying.
But still… He had to wonder about how right Echizen was. Had he known, subconsciously, that he could only be really, truly happy…with Sanada? He did know that, even with all the tension between them, Sanada was still the one he felt best around.
Did Sanada even know that he held…such power over Yukimura’s emotions? One look, one word, one gesture was all it took to make or break Yukimura’s day.
And the dogtag…immortalizing Sanada’s position as “friend”… It was a bittersweet gift… And Yukimura was still concluding that perhaps…he hated it more than he loved it. Because it felt like a wall was built, to stop them at “just friends.”
“It…wouldn’t work between us. I… He’d get upset at me for so many things…” Yukimura tried. He knew, though, that it was a weak attempt.
“You’re probably right, about him getting upset. But I’d bet just about anything that those things he’d get upset about as your lover are no different from the things he’d get upset about as your friend. The only difference, maybe, would be the reaction that he lets you see,” Ryoma thought aloud. “I mean, honestly, if I were him…That’s how I’d be. If we were just friends, I wouldn’t let myself show as strong a reaction, because it wasn’t my place, and I’d want to respect your space, to respect your independent will as a person. But as your lover, I’d be more open, more honest, because that’s what lovers are.”
“Yukimura-san…” Ryoma reached out, resting his hand gently on the other’s wrist. If Yukimura was a friend, Ryoma probably would have grabbed his hand.
He changed his tone, because what he was about to say was probably the one thing that would have the most impact. His little realization, something that Yukimura might never have thought of.
“Yukimura-san. Has it…ever occurred to you…that the reason you felt nothing for all those guys after you slept with them…was because you didn’t really love them? That…if you slept with someone you were in love with…those feelings would stay? That you’d still be in love with them the day after…and the day after that, and the day after that…”
Yukimura’s gaze had moved from the steam from his tea to Echizen’s hand on his wrist. It stayed there as he listened, sure that whatever Echizen was saying was going to be important or the other wouldn’t have tried such a gesture.
And he listened.
And listened. And then thought about it.
It couldn’t be…right? That he’d lost any feelings for those other men…because what he felt for them wasn’t really true in the first place?
Well…it was true that Sanada was the only man Yukimura had ever said he loved…was in love with…
His brow furrowed as he thought. If Echizen was right…
…If Echizen was right…then Yukimura wouldn’t have to worry. If Echizen was right…
But what if he was wrong?
…But what if he was right?
“I’d……never thought of that…”
Ryoma nodded softly. He’d suspected as much.
“Yukimura-san,” he began, tone still soft. “I admit…I might be wrong. I don’t know you hardly at all…and I don’t even know what your Sanada looks like, much less what kind of guy he is. I don’t know all the ins and outs of your relationship…and I certainly don’t want to end up ruining it for you. It’s just… Either way, you won’t know unless you do something about it.”
Ryoma slid his hand from the other’s wrist, giving back the stolen personal space.
“You won’t know until you try. And…maybe you’ll let yourself love him after this. Maybe you won’t. Maybe you’ll sleep with him and discover that it’s just like all the rest. Maybe you’ll sleep with him and discover that you love him then as much as you do now, maybe even more.”
Ryoma wanted to give some kind of promise or guarantee to Yukimura, that it wouldn’t end badly between him and Sanada. But he couldn’t. He only knew one side of things, only even kinda knew one of the people involved.
“It’s up to you what you do, but…at least maybe I’ve given you a new perspective on things?”
Yukimura nodded. “You…might be right…Echizen-san. Those other men…the ones I felt nothing for afterwards…” He chuckled a little. “I didn’t feel much for them to begin with.”
Ryoma was reminded of a quote by one of his old friends. “’Lust is something easily satisfied. Feed it once and you’re done. Love is something that is alive and growing, something that must be nurtured and taken care of.’ A friend of mine said that once. I think it fits, for you.”
Yukimura thought about it a bit, then nodded. “It does. And…you know… The more I think about it…the more I think you really might be right. Hell, some of the guys I slept with I didn’t even lust after. I was just drunk and running from myself, and they provided a distraction.”
Yukimura gave Echizen a smile, a real one. “Thank you, Echizen-san. You’ve given me…a lot to think about. And definitely a new perspective. I…don’t know yet what I’ll do… But I do feel better, having talked about it to someone. And you’re amazingly perceptive.”
Ryoma shrugged. “I watch a lot of people. Well…I used to, anyway. Not quite as much anymore. And I’m glad you feel better. I hope…” He wanted to say that he hoped Yukimura and Sanada got together, or something equally as positive. But it was out of his own control.
“I hope you find something…that’s a better solution for you. I hope you find some way to be happy, regardless of what you do concerning Sanada.”
Yukimura chuckled, and this time, it was a happy sound. It was amazing how much better he felt, just saying it someone. And a new perspective? Even better, even more amazing.
“You almost sound pessimistic, Echizen-san,” he teased, flagging the waitress down and paying their checks. He’d already told her while he was waiting that he was paying for whatever the other got.
“Gen and I have been friends for practically our entire lives. And like you said, our friendship is the kind that changes over time. We’ll…find some way to make it work, no matter what roads we both choose. Neither one of us is willing to end our relationship without a fight,” Yukimura grinned. “We’ll figure something out, I have no doubts about that.”
He reached a hand out towards Echizen. “Thank you.”
Ryoma took Yukimura’s hand and shook it, smiling at the attitude change in the agent. “Think nothing of it, Yukimura-san. I’m glad I could help at all.” He stood up and pulled his jacket back on, getting ready to go, watching as Yukimura did the same.
“You know how to reach me if you feel like talking again,” he smiled.
Yukimura nodded and smiled, grabbing his cane from its hiding spot under the table. “I’ll keep that in mind. And if I can ever do a favor for you, Echizen-san, feel free to ask it. I know…that the outcome of this talk is not yet determined, but I owe you for your insight on it, at least.”
Ryoma laughed a little as they walked towards the door. “I’m damn curious, so I’m not just gonna go home and forget about it. I’ll keep wondering how you and Sanada are doing. The only thing I ask is that you keep me updated on how things are going between you two, okay?”
Yukimura grinned. “I think I can manage that,” he replied. “I’ll keep in touch, and I’ll let you know should anything happen.” Yukimura winked, carefully stepping into the cool night.
Ryoma grinned back. “Be sure you do. I know where you work, after all,” he taunted, giving a wave over his shoulder as he headed off.
Yukimura smiled to himself. That Echizen.