RP log; Bunta and Taki; fixing things
Date: Tuesday, September 5th (forward dated)
Rating: G
Summary: Bunta and Taki find peace. Uh... lots and lots of fluffy?
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Taki wasn't totally sure why he had suggested that they should meet and talk here, maybe it was simply a case of that it was the fist 'neutral' place that had come to mind. There was also the fact it was public, not too public on a week day after the peek lunch period, but enough to offer some measure of comfort or reassurance. The sniper couldn't help but snort at that thought as he glared at one duck that was waddling a little too close to him. Beady black eyes looked up at him for a second before deciding it was better to look else where for a snack.
He had barely spoken a word to Kite on the drive to the park and he had no idea what the hell he was supposed to say or ask Bunta when he turned up. Taki had no doubt that he would turn up, the only reason he was waiting was because he was early. The sniper had vainly hoped that the fresher air in the park would settle his nerves, instead he felt sicker by the second. It didn't help matters that everything just seemed and felt so totally surreal right now. Like the world around him just wasn't real, it wasn't solid and if he tried to touch it it'd dissolve to smoke and he'd fall. It left him feeling oddly disorientated and dangerously apathetic.
Closing his eyes and taking a slow, deep breath, Taki tried to rationalise with himself. The only reason you feel sick is because you're overly anxious causing extra adrenalin to be released and because it has no where to go its making you feel sick. Part of him wondered if he had enough time for a quick sprint around the lake, but the idea was stupid considering his legs felt about as stable as watery jelly. Light brown eyes flicked down to his watch even as he told himself not to, it was 2pm.
Precisely on time, Bunta stepped foot in the park, adjusting his blazer a bit nervously as he paused a moment to attempt to locate where Taki meant to meet up. Things looked a bit different this side of his trip - it was hard to not leave the Atobe family without a slightly different (and oftentimes darker) view on life in general. Smoothing feathers was a talent of Bunta's - he could disarm many a situation with his charm and charisma alone, but after spending an entire weekend doing just that, supporting the unusually politically minded Atobe, he felt worn out. Old, even. Too old and warn out to soothe another set of feathers on a younger, brasher set of wings.
Tourists passed by Bunta in chunks, wandering by with cameras and bouncing children and blonde hair. He paid them no more mind than to note that he always felt distinctly small around foreigners - it was always the worst when he visited Brazil with Jackal, but he was feeling out of place in his own country in his own brand-new loafers and solid-color red tie. Would all of these choices he was making lead to him dyeing his hair back to natural - removing the red from his wardrobe? Did that part of him belong in the past? Then again, did Keigo belong with it?
Keigo, the good son, and Bunta, the son who was, at every turn, falling short of his father's wishes. At one time - a time when Keigo wanted to escape and Bunta was just realizing he could do so - at one time secret meetings and kisses that made his stomach twist in nervous knots were quite appealing. Now... now he was agreeing to finally be caught, if he went to Keigo - though it had hung heavy in the air between them for years, it was still frightening to take that last step; and it was at the moment, impossible. Haginosuke was the wild card - the unforeseen factor.
Light purple eyes finally rested on a slim figure that was so painfully familiar - the first urge was to run to him, hold him close, make up for all the time and distance lost when Taki got on that plane. Swallowing down that urge, Bunta proceeded forward with some mock confidence that might be enough to get him through this unscathed. He offered a lifeless smile, saying in greeting, "Haginosuke.”
Taki stiffened at that voice suddenly finding himself fighting down a wave of nausea as his heart beat painfully fast and heavy in his chest. He didn't turn, stand or look at him, his body felt leaden and yet insubstantial to support him. He took a moment to swallow and moisten his throat before taking another moment before he dared to speak. "…Sit, please." Softly spoken, Taki wondered if it was even audible. But two words were a start, now he just had to try and form more and make them understandable. That was something he wasn't any good at, putting into words what he really thought and felt in a way that another could understand and not misinterpret. "You wanted to talk…say what you have to…all of it. What you really think and feel, don't let any of it slip through the cracks."
"I did want to talk," confirmed the older man, taking up a seat beside Taki on the bench, though he stared straight out ahead rather than looking at the man beside him. "I find myself totally speechless with you." The words were distant - as though not spoken by him, but by another person who had ceased to care; a person who was so hurt that he had curled in on himself and taken with him all his connections to the world. A younger Bunta would have done just that - curled up in pain, shut himself off, now his speechlessness was based in disappointment, lack of understanding - desire to make things right, but inability to do so because of Taki's actions.
"I'm angry," was a start. "I'm hurt. I'm trying to figure out how you could act so hurt and then run to someone else immediately when I'm paralyzed. I love you - I'm heartbroken... Keigo knew when he told me that he couldn't have me; I don't... I don't have anything to say to you just yet." Because I don't understand.
The words cut, Taki knew they would. All his words would cut whether they were good or bad until he bled out and there was nothing left. I truth Taki was still unsettled and confused by the things that had happened so fast around him, to him and it turn to Bunta. If the older man couldn't talk, didn't know what to say then the sniper guessed he had to try himself. He'd make it worse, he always did. The times he tried to talk to Keisuke and make him understand, they never worked either, they always ended in pain and not just mental. Taki clenched his hands together in his lap ignoring the pressure of too long finger nails.
"I don't get it, Bunta. Why the anger and hurt? You would have ended our relationship for the sake of all parties if I hadn't. So what do my actions afterwards have to do with anything? I don't get it." Taki didn't get any of it, other than this whole mess was based on a whole lot of stupid from both sides. It was infuriating and very, very sad. The sniper just wished to god he could understand why he let fate carry him on her wings rather than fighting and being a stubborn bitch like usual. Maybe he'd just gown too tired and reading those things had been the last thing he had the strength to take.
“…You’re a damned hypocrite, that’s why I’m angry.” Calmly as he could, Bunta turned his head so he could fix his eyes on Taki’s profile, studying him casually, though his eyes were intense. Even if he had wanted to, he could not have hidden anything in those eyes just then. “I’m… I can’t understand how you can so flippantly give this up - run to his arms like this never happened. How this can just be over and all’s hunky-dory with you. How… how can you say that I’ve done wrong by you for having ages-old feelings for someone else and then brush aside all I feel for you like it never meant anything.”
Biting down hard on his lip, Bunta turned away, again. “Even if the end was inevitable, I’m not… done. The feelings aren’t just gone. I can’t stop thinking about you just like that.”
"And you think I can? If you want to think me a liar, a fake and a hypocrite, then go ahead, it's your right." Taki matched Bunta's voice for calmness even as his nail bit a little deeper and eyes focused on a father with his two children in a small row boat. "So I was supposed to ride it out until the end and you were done with me? Would that of made you happy, Bunta? Because you weren't done with me yet and wanted things on your terms?." A bitter snort of laughter. "If you think any of what happened was done lightly, or without pain, or guilt, or regret then you really don't know the first god damn thing about me. If you think I'm fine and I'm happy and that I don't give a crap about you or what we had, then you do that. Because I doubt anything I can say, do, or try to explain will be good enough to satisfy your self-righteous indignation." Looking down and away from the lake Taki chose to focus on his white knuckles. Really, he should just take and accept all the blame for this because he doubted Bunta saw any of the wrong he had done.
“Oh cut the crap,” the words slipped out of Bunta’s mouth before he could stop them. “That’s not what I said - and it’s not what I meant.” He put one hand over his eyes, rubbing his eyelids lightly as though it would help chase away the utter stupidity of this whole thing. “First of all, you jumped on the first little bit of information that you didn’t even bother to properly confirm with me - you didn’t even bother to understand the situation before telling me that you wanted nothing to do with me… when I made the logical assumption that you hurt, you told me to not assume.” His throat was unreasonably dry - swallowing did not do much to help, either. “I… tried to tell you, I was going to end this not because of him but because of you - because my feelings for him are stable and… mine for you feel impulsive… I have no control over my wants and needs of you.”
He was not making a whole lot of sense to his own ears, and he was off on a tangent. “I’m… trying to make my thoughts coherent. I’m sorry… just give me a minute.”
"So what I think is crap too? Okay. You're the one talking total shit, Bunta. I didn't have to jump to any conclusions; the sweet little nothings were there in ten point veranda for me to read." Taki was trying hard to keep his growing anger under some form of control. But his anger wasn't directed at Bunta, not in the least, it was totally aimed at himself. "The way I make you feel is bad for you, it upsets your little world and makes things unpredictable. And again you're saying YOU were going to dump me anyway." This was all retarded, totally and utterly retarded. Taki suddenly found himself on his feet without realising how he'd got there. "Just because I chose to get on with my farce of a life rather than weeping into a pillow, you feel hard done by. Is that it?" He was now glaring fiercely at the top of Bunta's head. "Well, guess what. I do, and I don't understand any of this it's all a load of fucking shit. Blame me and hate me, curl up in your comfort with Atobe. And there I thought you liked passion and fire." This was pointless. "I guess I'll see you around."
In a flash, Bunta was on his feet as well, one hand softly closing around Taki’s wrist. “I do - I do love passion and fire - I love your passion and fire. I love the way you make me feel like I don’t have a choice - I love being yours, I love… fuck.” His hand immediately dropped away and Bunta flopped back on the bench, crossing one leg over the other and turning away completely. “Be happy, Haginosuke. If I’m not part of that equation, then that’s how it is. If he’s what makes you happy - go to him, be with him. If you can move on so quickly, then you’re a different sort of man than I, and I wish you all the happiness in…” Swallowing hard, again, he managed out, “In the world.”
Taki screwed his eyes suddenly feeling very dizzy, a hand gripping the back of the bench to steady himself. Why wouldn't Bunta just hate him, why did he have to say those things! Wiping a hand hurriedly across his eyes, Taki was glad he'd left his hair down. "Then why, Bunta. You say these things yet you were willing, even planning, to let me go for those very things." His voice was quiet, soft, the fight gone from him. "Don't you see how hypocritical that is too?" There was no tone of accusation, only a need to know. "Am I misunderstanding something here?"
“I don’t know,” Bunta admitted, just as softly. “I thought I knew what was best for you - that’s all I want.” His eyes began to sting, the world blurring and shifting, but he did not so much as flinch. “You… I thought you agreed with me; I thought that you would seek what was best for you - that you would… that what you have done was your…” Words, once more, failed him as finally the first tear fell unhindered. Was he wrong in thinking he could talk about this?
"You're not making any sense…," Or maybe he just couldn't understand anything anymore. Either way Taki found himself sitting back down against his better judgment. Maybe he should just talk, say the things he had wanted before all this. "I was trying, Bunta. I was trying so hard for you, to be worthy of having some as good as you in my life. It was hard, I couldn't trust you like I wanted, I didn't understand your closeness to your friends because it's something I've never had or experienced. Envy and jealously are very destructive things. It ate at me when you were away from me, but when we were together none of it mattered. I had you and you were mine. When Kite told me he was in love with me, when he kissed me, I hit him for it. I couldn't believe he was bringing it up when he knew how sickeningly happy I was. We argued all the time after that, I was constantly having to fight off his advances while keeping my head straight. I never told you because I could deal and I didn't want what time we had together sullied." Taki paused wondering if he should just keep going or shut up, he didn't even know if Bunta was listening to him.
"Before I went away I was in such a bad place. You'd been away so much helping An. But I dealt with that and for the first time I wasn't jealous. But something was wrong somewhere, I don't know where though. I'd made the decision to end it all before I went away. All I needed to do was have the balls to tell you and pull the trigger. But nothing went to plan." Taki had to laugh at that.
Light eyes shifted to fix on Taki - this time never once drifting away - Bunta did not have the will power about him, anymore, to feel nervous or shameful. “I don’t… want our time together to be finite. And… to you it always has been. To me… to me I didn’t see an end in sight until Keigo… but now…” Emboldened by his inhibitions and fears drifting away, the older man reached out a hand to settle it over Taki’s knee with the makings of a real smile - no matter how small. “He… what he offers me is a future, security, love, home… I’ve been so scared, that’s so appealing to me… but…” Bunta’s throat tightened painfully. “The thought of you… being gone - I can’t handle it. I can’t stand to think of you leaving this world, or leaving my life.”
Taki's head snapped to finally look at him. "That's not true…. It wasn't always limited, those thoughts I had were only in my mind a week before I left. Before that I'd even been thinking of transferring from the field to a trainer so I could offer some form of stability, something stronger and more certain to build on. Guess my timing really sucked." The sniper looked away trying to keep some ounce of control and not break down.
“Hagi…” Bunta voice caught in his throat, and he looked down at his own hand on Taki’s knee. “I was going to ask you to… move in with me. I wanted… I’m seeking that. I…” His fingers curled against the cloth of Taki’s pants, the edges of his lips twitching into a twisted half-frown. “It really means something to me - it’s a big step to me… I can’t…” All of the pain was back in a flash - the urge to cling to Taki and never let go flared up once more.
Blurred eyes were fixed on that hand gripping the fabric on his suit pants, he was terrified to look at Bunta, he just couldn't accept the words. Why all theses thoughts and plans when Bunta was going to drop him? His mind just couldn't let go of that piece of information. "None…" His voice caught in his throat and Taki shook his head trying to clear it and ignore that warmth that was seeping through the fabric and onto his skin. "I don't understand you, Bunta…I guess I never will now." And that was the horrific truth wasn't it…there wasn't any handy time machine close by to hop in and make everything happy-happy-joy-joy again. Taki didn't trust himself not right now, he tried to fall into the familiar distant coldness he used when he killed, but he just couldn't, not with Bunta. His hand was over Bunta's and gently squeezing it of its own accord, or at least that's what Taki chose to think. "Talk about fucking up…."
“We both have,” murmured Bunta softly, edging a bit closer to put his head to Taki’s shoulder. He was done pretending - done putting false distance between them when what he wanted was to be close. “You have my whole natural life to understand me, Haginosuke. I’ll be in your life as long as you’ll let me - maybe… this is right?” His fingers sought out familiar, long brown hair. “You and I… maybe we’re meant to take some time to learn how to be… what we want to be to one another… because… I want to be it, for you. When I’m yours, I want to be only yours, and I want you to be only mine.”
Taki let his head loll over to rest onto of Bunta's head, soft lips placing a chaste kiss on that mop of bright red hair that he loved. "I would like that… really I would, because I just can't think of my life without you in it." The sniper finally let his arm drape over the older mans shoulders before firmly pulling him closer. "Maybe that is true, I guess only time will tell though. I need to grow up and find myself… understand what I truly want. But I know I want you there…"
Bunta smiled softly, taking in a deep breath and letting it out slowly. “I… I want you to pursue him, then - I want to give this friendship thing a try.” He nuzzled Taki’s neck, closing his eyes. “Both of us… we need to learn so much, and right now, we’re having problems with communication that… I think we can resolve - but not when we’re going to break one another’s hearts every time we fail to understand one another.”
It made sense, probably more than Taki was willing to admit to himself right at that moment. "And what about you, will you give things a try with Atobe?" Even as the words left his lips he couldn't but squeeze his eyes shut at a sudden pang of pain and regret. He just hoped that time would ease it and that Atobe wasn't as much of a fool as he was. "And I'm sorry for all this, really and truly I am."
“…I intend to give it a try with Keigo, once I have settled.” Fighting a similar, though fleeting, feeling, Bunta maintained a comfortable smile. He pulled away enough to look Taki in the eyes, fingers brushing back Taki’s hair. “Don’t be sorry - I’m… I’m relieved. You didn’t want to have anything to do with me not even an hour ago, now I understand… and I think you do, too. I love you.” It hurt just a little to say - but it would hurt so much more to leave it unspoken.
Taki nodded slowly not trusting his voice for a moment. "I'm glad you will… feelings so old and deep are hard to deal with and ignore. It's better to know rather than let a bunch of maybes and what if's eat you up." Maybe his words sounded stupid to Bunta, but Taki knew what he meant. But there was a part of him that was reluctant to return the endearment, not because it would be untrue, but because it felt wrong. Yet another subtle difference between them, but one that could be grossly misunderstood. "Do you have to get back to work?" Taki was reluctant to ask, he'd be more than happy to stay on this bench and just enjoy Bunta's company. "I booked the afternoon off."
“To hell with work,” responded the older man immediately - he smiled brightly, settling back so he could lean his cheek against Taki’s shoulder once more. “You still haven’t told me all about your trip.”
A slight smile finally tugged at his lips. "Or given you your present, I'll drop it by the office. Come on." Taki nudged him with his shoulder. "We'll grab a coffee and I'll tell you all about it."
Rating: G
Summary: Bunta and Taki find peace. Uh... lots and lots of fluffy?
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Taki wasn't totally sure why he had suggested that they should meet and talk here, maybe it was simply a case of that it was the fist 'neutral' place that had come to mind. There was also the fact it was public, not too public on a week day after the peek lunch period, but enough to offer some measure of comfort or reassurance. The sniper couldn't help but snort at that thought as he glared at one duck that was waddling a little too close to him. Beady black eyes looked up at him for a second before deciding it was better to look else where for a snack.
He had barely spoken a word to Kite on the drive to the park and he had no idea what the hell he was supposed to say or ask Bunta when he turned up. Taki had no doubt that he would turn up, the only reason he was waiting was because he was early. The sniper had vainly hoped that the fresher air in the park would settle his nerves, instead he felt sicker by the second. It didn't help matters that everything just seemed and felt so totally surreal right now. Like the world around him just wasn't real, it wasn't solid and if he tried to touch it it'd dissolve to smoke and he'd fall. It left him feeling oddly disorientated and dangerously apathetic.
Closing his eyes and taking a slow, deep breath, Taki tried to rationalise with himself. The only reason you feel sick is because you're overly anxious causing extra adrenalin to be released and because it has no where to go its making you feel sick. Part of him wondered if he had enough time for a quick sprint around the lake, but the idea was stupid considering his legs felt about as stable as watery jelly. Light brown eyes flicked down to his watch even as he told himself not to, it was 2pm.
Precisely on time, Bunta stepped foot in the park, adjusting his blazer a bit nervously as he paused a moment to attempt to locate where Taki meant to meet up. Things looked a bit different this side of his trip - it was hard to not leave the Atobe family without a slightly different (and oftentimes darker) view on life in general. Smoothing feathers was a talent of Bunta's - he could disarm many a situation with his charm and charisma alone, but after spending an entire weekend doing just that, supporting the unusually politically minded Atobe, he felt worn out. Old, even. Too old and warn out to soothe another set of feathers on a younger, brasher set of wings.
Tourists passed by Bunta in chunks, wandering by with cameras and bouncing children and blonde hair. He paid them no more mind than to note that he always felt distinctly small around foreigners - it was always the worst when he visited Brazil with Jackal, but he was feeling out of place in his own country in his own brand-new loafers and solid-color red tie. Would all of these choices he was making lead to him dyeing his hair back to natural - removing the red from his wardrobe? Did that part of him belong in the past? Then again, did Keigo belong with it?
Keigo, the good son, and Bunta, the son who was, at every turn, falling short of his father's wishes. At one time - a time when Keigo wanted to escape and Bunta was just realizing he could do so - at one time secret meetings and kisses that made his stomach twist in nervous knots were quite appealing. Now... now he was agreeing to finally be caught, if he went to Keigo - though it had hung heavy in the air between them for years, it was still frightening to take that last step; and it was at the moment, impossible. Haginosuke was the wild card - the unforeseen factor.
Light purple eyes finally rested on a slim figure that was so painfully familiar - the first urge was to run to him, hold him close, make up for all the time and distance lost when Taki got on that plane. Swallowing down that urge, Bunta proceeded forward with some mock confidence that might be enough to get him through this unscathed. He offered a lifeless smile, saying in greeting, "Haginosuke.”
Taki stiffened at that voice suddenly finding himself fighting down a wave of nausea as his heart beat painfully fast and heavy in his chest. He didn't turn, stand or look at him, his body felt leaden and yet insubstantial to support him. He took a moment to swallow and moisten his throat before taking another moment before he dared to speak. "…Sit, please." Softly spoken, Taki wondered if it was even audible. But two words were a start, now he just had to try and form more and make them understandable. That was something he wasn't any good at, putting into words what he really thought and felt in a way that another could understand and not misinterpret. "You wanted to talk…say what you have to…all of it. What you really think and feel, don't let any of it slip through the cracks."
"I did want to talk," confirmed the older man, taking up a seat beside Taki on the bench, though he stared straight out ahead rather than looking at the man beside him. "I find myself totally speechless with you." The words were distant - as though not spoken by him, but by another person who had ceased to care; a person who was so hurt that he had curled in on himself and taken with him all his connections to the world. A younger Bunta would have done just that - curled up in pain, shut himself off, now his speechlessness was based in disappointment, lack of understanding - desire to make things right, but inability to do so because of Taki's actions.
"I'm angry," was a start. "I'm hurt. I'm trying to figure out how you could act so hurt and then run to someone else immediately when I'm paralyzed. I love you - I'm heartbroken... Keigo knew when he told me that he couldn't have me; I don't... I don't have anything to say to you just yet." Because I don't understand.
The words cut, Taki knew they would. All his words would cut whether they were good or bad until he bled out and there was nothing left. I truth Taki was still unsettled and confused by the things that had happened so fast around him, to him and it turn to Bunta. If the older man couldn't talk, didn't know what to say then the sniper guessed he had to try himself. He'd make it worse, he always did. The times he tried to talk to Keisuke and make him understand, they never worked either, they always ended in pain and not just mental. Taki clenched his hands together in his lap ignoring the pressure of too long finger nails.
"I don't get it, Bunta. Why the anger and hurt? You would have ended our relationship for the sake of all parties if I hadn't. So what do my actions afterwards have to do with anything? I don't get it." Taki didn't get any of it, other than this whole mess was based on a whole lot of stupid from both sides. It was infuriating and very, very sad. The sniper just wished to god he could understand why he let fate carry him on her wings rather than fighting and being a stubborn bitch like usual. Maybe he'd just gown too tired and reading those things had been the last thing he had the strength to take.
“…You’re a damned hypocrite, that’s why I’m angry.” Calmly as he could, Bunta turned his head so he could fix his eyes on Taki’s profile, studying him casually, though his eyes were intense. Even if he had wanted to, he could not have hidden anything in those eyes just then. “I’m… I can’t understand how you can so flippantly give this up - run to his arms like this never happened. How this can just be over and all’s hunky-dory with you. How… how can you say that I’ve done wrong by you for having ages-old feelings for someone else and then brush aside all I feel for you like it never meant anything.”
Biting down hard on his lip, Bunta turned away, again. “Even if the end was inevitable, I’m not… done. The feelings aren’t just gone. I can’t stop thinking about you just like that.”
"And you think I can? If you want to think me a liar, a fake and a hypocrite, then go ahead, it's your right." Taki matched Bunta's voice for calmness even as his nail bit a little deeper and eyes focused on a father with his two children in a small row boat. "So I was supposed to ride it out until the end and you were done with me? Would that of made you happy, Bunta? Because you weren't done with me yet and wanted things on your terms?." A bitter snort of laughter. "If you think any of what happened was done lightly, or without pain, or guilt, or regret then you really don't know the first god damn thing about me. If you think I'm fine and I'm happy and that I don't give a crap about you or what we had, then you do that. Because I doubt anything I can say, do, or try to explain will be good enough to satisfy your self-righteous indignation." Looking down and away from the lake Taki chose to focus on his white knuckles. Really, he should just take and accept all the blame for this because he doubted Bunta saw any of the wrong he had done.
“Oh cut the crap,” the words slipped out of Bunta’s mouth before he could stop them. “That’s not what I said - and it’s not what I meant.” He put one hand over his eyes, rubbing his eyelids lightly as though it would help chase away the utter stupidity of this whole thing. “First of all, you jumped on the first little bit of information that you didn’t even bother to properly confirm with me - you didn’t even bother to understand the situation before telling me that you wanted nothing to do with me… when I made the logical assumption that you hurt, you told me to not assume.” His throat was unreasonably dry - swallowing did not do much to help, either. “I… tried to tell you, I was going to end this not because of him but because of you - because my feelings for him are stable and… mine for you feel impulsive… I have no control over my wants and needs of you.”
He was not making a whole lot of sense to his own ears, and he was off on a tangent. “I’m… trying to make my thoughts coherent. I’m sorry… just give me a minute.”
"So what I think is crap too? Okay. You're the one talking total shit, Bunta. I didn't have to jump to any conclusions; the sweet little nothings were there in ten point veranda for me to read." Taki was trying hard to keep his growing anger under some form of control. But his anger wasn't directed at Bunta, not in the least, it was totally aimed at himself. "The way I make you feel is bad for you, it upsets your little world and makes things unpredictable. And again you're saying YOU were going to dump me anyway." This was all retarded, totally and utterly retarded. Taki suddenly found himself on his feet without realising how he'd got there. "Just because I chose to get on with my farce of a life rather than weeping into a pillow, you feel hard done by. Is that it?" He was now glaring fiercely at the top of Bunta's head. "Well, guess what. I do, and I don't understand any of this it's all a load of fucking shit. Blame me and hate me, curl up in your comfort with Atobe. And there I thought you liked passion and fire." This was pointless. "I guess I'll see you around."
In a flash, Bunta was on his feet as well, one hand softly closing around Taki’s wrist. “I do - I do love passion and fire - I love your passion and fire. I love the way you make me feel like I don’t have a choice - I love being yours, I love… fuck.” His hand immediately dropped away and Bunta flopped back on the bench, crossing one leg over the other and turning away completely. “Be happy, Haginosuke. If I’m not part of that equation, then that’s how it is. If he’s what makes you happy - go to him, be with him. If you can move on so quickly, then you’re a different sort of man than I, and I wish you all the happiness in…” Swallowing hard, again, he managed out, “In the world.”
Taki screwed his eyes suddenly feeling very dizzy, a hand gripping the back of the bench to steady himself. Why wouldn't Bunta just hate him, why did he have to say those things! Wiping a hand hurriedly across his eyes, Taki was glad he'd left his hair down. "Then why, Bunta. You say these things yet you were willing, even planning, to let me go for those very things." His voice was quiet, soft, the fight gone from him. "Don't you see how hypocritical that is too?" There was no tone of accusation, only a need to know. "Am I misunderstanding something here?"
“I don’t know,” Bunta admitted, just as softly. “I thought I knew what was best for you - that’s all I want.” His eyes began to sting, the world blurring and shifting, but he did not so much as flinch. “You… I thought you agreed with me; I thought that you would seek what was best for you - that you would… that what you have done was your…” Words, once more, failed him as finally the first tear fell unhindered. Was he wrong in thinking he could talk about this?
"You're not making any sense…," Or maybe he just couldn't understand anything anymore. Either way Taki found himself sitting back down against his better judgment. Maybe he should just talk, say the things he had wanted before all this. "I was trying, Bunta. I was trying so hard for you, to be worthy of having some as good as you in my life. It was hard, I couldn't trust you like I wanted, I didn't understand your closeness to your friends because it's something I've never had or experienced. Envy and jealously are very destructive things. It ate at me when you were away from me, but when we were together none of it mattered. I had you and you were mine. When Kite told me he was in love with me, when he kissed me, I hit him for it. I couldn't believe he was bringing it up when he knew how sickeningly happy I was. We argued all the time after that, I was constantly having to fight off his advances while keeping my head straight. I never told you because I could deal and I didn't want what time we had together sullied." Taki paused wondering if he should just keep going or shut up, he didn't even know if Bunta was listening to him.
"Before I went away I was in such a bad place. You'd been away so much helping An. But I dealt with that and for the first time I wasn't jealous. But something was wrong somewhere, I don't know where though. I'd made the decision to end it all before I went away. All I needed to do was have the balls to tell you and pull the trigger. But nothing went to plan." Taki had to laugh at that.
Light eyes shifted to fix on Taki - this time never once drifting away - Bunta did not have the will power about him, anymore, to feel nervous or shameful. “I don’t… want our time together to be finite. And… to you it always has been. To me… to me I didn’t see an end in sight until Keigo… but now…” Emboldened by his inhibitions and fears drifting away, the older man reached out a hand to settle it over Taki’s knee with the makings of a real smile - no matter how small. “He… what he offers me is a future, security, love, home… I’ve been so scared, that’s so appealing to me… but…” Bunta’s throat tightened painfully. “The thought of you… being gone - I can’t handle it. I can’t stand to think of you leaving this world, or leaving my life.”
Taki's head snapped to finally look at him. "That's not true…. It wasn't always limited, those thoughts I had were only in my mind a week before I left. Before that I'd even been thinking of transferring from the field to a trainer so I could offer some form of stability, something stronger and more certain to build on. Guess my timing really sucked." The sniper looked away trying to keep some ounce of control and not break down.
“Hagi…” Bunta voice caught in his throat, and he looked down at his own hand on Taki’s knee. “I was going to ask you to… move in with me. I wanted… I’m seeking that. I…” His fingers curled against the cloth of Taki’s pants, the edges of his lips twitching into a twisted half-frown. “It really means something to me - it’s a big step to me… I can’t…” All of the pain was back in a flash - the urge to cling to Taki and never let go flared up once more.
Blurred eyes were fixed on that hand gripping the fabric on his suit pants, he was terrified to look at Bunta, he just couldn't accept the words. Why all theses thoughts and plans when Bunta was going to drop him? His mind just couldn't let go of that piece of information. "None…" His voice caught in his throat and Taki shook his head trying to clear it and ignore that warmth that was seeping through the fabric and onto his skin. "I don't understand you, Bunta…I guess I never will now." And that was the horrific truth wasn't it…there wasn't any handy time machine close by to hop in and make everything happy-happy-joy-joy again. Taki didn't trust himself not right now, he tried to fall into the familiar distant coldness he used when he killed, but he just couldn't, not with Bunta. His hand was over Bunta's and gently squeezing it of its own accord, or at least that's what Taki chose to think. "Talk about fucking up…."
“We both have,” murmured Bunta softly, edging a bit closer to put his head to Taki’s shoulder. He was done pretending - done putting false distance between them when what he wanted was to be close. “You have my whole natural life to understand me, Haginosuke. I’ll be in your life as long as you’ll let me - maybe… this is right?” His fingers sought out familiar, long brown hair. “You and I… maybe we’re meant to take some time to learn how to be… what we want to be to one another… because… I want to be it, for you. When I’m yours, I want to be only yours, and I want you to be only mine.”
Taki let his head loll over to rest onto of Bunta's head, soft lips placing a chaste kiss on that mop of bright red hair that he loved. "I would like that… really I would, because I just can't think of my life without you in it." The sniper finally let his arm drape over the older mans shoulders before firmly pulling him closer. "Maybe that is true, I guess only time will tell though. I need to grow up and find myself… understand what I truly want. But I know I want you there…"
Bunta smiled softly, taking in a deep breath and letting it out slowly. “I… I want you to pursue him, then - I want to give this friendship thing a try.” He nuzzled Taki’s neck, closing his eyes. “Both of us… we need to learn so much, and right now, we’re having problems with communication that… I think we can resolve - but not when we’re going to break one another’s hearts every time we fail to understand one another.”
It made sense, probably more than Taki was willing to admit to himself right at that moment. "And what about you, will you give things a try with Atobe?" Even as the words left his lips he couldn't but squeeze his eyes shut at a sudden pang of pain and regret. He just hoped that time would ease it and that Atobe wasn't as much of a fool as he was. "And I'm sorry for all this, really and truly I am."
“…I intend to give it a try with Keigo, once I have settled.” Fighting a similar, though fleeting, feeling, Bunta maintained a comfortable smile. He pulled away enough to look Taki in the eyes, fingers brushing back Taki’s hair. “Don’t be sorry - I’m… I’m relieved. You didn’t want to have anything to do with me not even an hour ago, now I understand… and I think you do, too. I love you.” It hurt just a little to say - but it would hurt so much more to leave it unspoken.
Taki nodded slowly not trusting his voice for a moment. "I'm glad you will… feelings so old and deep are hard to deal with and ignore. It's better to know rather than let a bunch of maybes and what if's eat you up." Maybe his words sounded stupid to Bunta, but Taki knew what he meant. But there was a part of him that was reluctant to return the endearment, not because it would be untrue, but because it felt wrong. Yet another subtle difference between them, but one that could be grossly misunderstood. "Do you have to get back to work?" Taki was reluctant to ask, he'd be more than happy to stay on this bench and just enjoy Bunta's company. "I booked the afternoon off."
“To hell with work,” responded the older man immediately - he smiled brightly, settling back so he could lean his cheek against Taki’s shoulder once more. “You still haven’t told me all about your trip.”
A slight smile finally tugged at his lips. "Or given you your present, I'll drop it by the office. Come on." Taki nudged him with his shoulder. "We'll grab a coffee and I'll tell you all about it."