The wosrt geyser ever
There is little in the world that any individual person in the world fears. Sure, there’s the common things like spiders, heights, marmalade and mice. There’s even uncommon things that have long, Greek names like Hellenologophobia, which is the fear of Greek terms. In general, though, most people are relatively phobia-free, which is good for society as a whole. Imagine if somehow, our representatives in Congress were all heliophobic. They’d pass all sorts of laws that would turn the country from the sunshine loving land that it is into a sun hating nocturnal cult of some sort. Small schoolchildren wouldn’t be allowed to draw the sun, leaving an odd hole in the rendered-in-crayon likenesses of their houses with the family standing in front.
Speaking of which, why is the family always in front of the house for their drawings? How often does an American family stand in front of its house, waxy grins slapped on their inhumanly colored faces, all side by side and not caring that the sun has anthropomorphized itself and is smiling happily at everything which will soon burst into flames since it’s only about twenty feet from the house? Or is it simply a reflection of the child’s desire to stand outside, shoulder to shoulder with mommy and daddy and possibly Rover, the dog? Or maybe little Timmy and Mary’s brains are on par with their crude motor skills and simply haven’t developed fully, so they don’t realize that the idea behind the drawing is tired and worn out from decade of overuse, like a sixty three year old hooker.
Which brings me back to phobias. I personally have a severe phobia of dried out sixty three year old hookers. But even as much as they strike terror into the pit of my stomach, and at times, the pits of my arms, it doesn’t even begin to compare to the way I react to a simple two word phrase: shit geyser.
Sure, laugh it up. Shit geyser. Har dee fricken har. Crap blowing back up through a toilet, shower, sink, whatever. Great comedy. I used to feel the same way. Sure, it’s cheap, simple humor that most people would be ashamed to admit that they find it funny, but it’s still something to joke about when you’re bored. That’s how the idea came about, actually. Since we’re renters, our landlord us things now and then, and we have to accept them as simple fact. The landlord tells us that if we leave a box of cookies on the counter, the mice will get to it, we accept that. The landlord tells us that if it snows, our pipes will freeze and we’ll have no water for weeks, we accept that. The landlord tells us that if it’s sunny, condors will roost in the back yard and steal our cat to make a tasty stew with his intestines, we accept that.
But when the landlord tells us that if we don’t limit our use of water when it’s been raining heavily, the water will back up from the septic system, and we just laugh a bit. We’ve all lived on property with septic systems, and none of us had ever had a problem like that. Not till when it was still raining in the end of April and we were having toilet flushing contests while running the showers and plunging the hose from outside straight down the garage sink before turning it on full blast for a few days. The gurgle that a shower makes when it’s about to regurgitate used water and solid waste is the single most terrifying sound in this world. It’s a mix between someone’s stomach rumbling, a belch, the sound that movies always use when there’s boiling metal involved and bubbles are rising to the surface and impending doom. If you don’t think that impending doom has a sound, you have never heard a shower that’s about to erupt in a fountain of solid waste.
After a lot of cleanup, the showers, sinks and toilets were all off-limits for quite a while since the rain never stopped. So this all goes to show how new phobias can easily be acquired. There just might be some benefit to knowing that. Finding that out, however, would take too much thinking.
If you’ll excuse me, I’m off to find a new location to continue the toilet flushing contest.
Speaking of which, why is the family always in front of the house for their drawings? How often does an American family stand in front of its house, waxy grins slapped on their inhumanly colored faces, all side by side and not caring that the sun has anthropomorphized itself and is smiling happily at everything which will soon burst into flames since it’s only about twenty feet from the house? Or is it simply a reflection of the child’s desire to stand outside, shoulder to shoulder with mommy and daddy and possibly Rover, the dog? Or maybe little Timmy and Mary’s brains are on par with their crude motor skills and simply haven’t developed fully, so they don’t realize that the idea behind the drawing is tired and worn out from decade of overuse, like a sixty three year old hooker.
Which brings me back to phobias. I personally have a severe phobia of dried out sixty three year old hookers. But even as much as they strike terror into the pit of my stomach, and at times, the pits of my arms, it doesn’t even begin to compare to the way I react to a simple two word phrase: shit geyser.
Sure, laugh it up. Shit geyser. Har dee fricken har. Crap blowing back up through a toilet, shower, sink, whatever. Great comedy. I used to feel the same way. Sure, it’s cheap, simple humor that most people would be ashamed to admit that they find it funny, but it’s still something to joke about when you’re bored. That’s how the idea came about, actually. Since we’re renters, our landlord us things now and then, and we have to accept them as simple fact. The landlord tells us that if we leave a box of cookies on the counter, the mice will get to it, we accept that. The landlord tells us that if it snows, our pipes will freeze and we’ll have no water for weeks, we accept that. The landlord tells us that if it’s sunny, condors will roost in the back yard and steal our cat to make a tasty stew with his intestines, we accept that.
But when the landlord tells us that if we don’t limit our use of water when it’s been raining heavily, the water will back up from the septic system, and we just laugh a bit. We’ve all lived on property with septic systems, and none of us had ever had a problem like that. Not till when it was still raining in the end of April and we were having toilet flushing contests while running the showers and plunging the hose from outside straight down the garage sink before turning it on full blast for a few days. The gurgle that a shower makes when it’s about to regurgitate used water and solid waste is the single most terrifying sound in this world. It’s a mix between someone’s stomach rumbling, a belch, the sound that movies always use when there’s boiling metal involved and bubbles are rising to the surface and impending doom. If you don’t think that impending doom has a sound, you have never heard a shower that’s about to erupt in a fountain of solid waste.
After a lot of cleanup, the showers, sinks and toilets were all off-limits for quite a while since the rain never stopped. So this all goes to show how new phobias can easily be acquired. There just might be some benefit to knowing that. Finding that out, however, would take too much thinking.
If you’ll excuse me, I’m off to find a new location to continue the toilet flushing contest.