Of large men and lemurs
Keep in mind, that, as I write this, I’m alone in a house with someone’s father who doesn’t realize that I’m here. He, like most people, is bigger than me, so I’m working up a nice terror-induced cold sweat. The terror alone is enough to make me write things I don’t really mean, let alone the situation that led to me being trapped here with this man until he either leaves or falls asleep. Neither seem likely to happen soon. And if you’re wondering about the situation that led to this, let’s just say that it involves a few lemurs (long tailed, brown), a rope (thirty feet, sturdy), some glue (bonds skin to fur and rope instantly) and a girl (highly attractive).
It’s a well documented fact that boys and men will do some highly odd things for girls and flesh-eating bacteria. I mean women. Boys and men do odd things for girls and women. Bacteria, indeed! How could I have made that little slip?
Anyway, it’s a concept that dates far back into evolutionary history. When mankind (Or, at the time, apekind) as a whole, was only part of the way through the evolutionary process that has brought about the absolute perfection of our race - the master race. We call ourselves the master race because in about twenty years, we will build robots to do all of our work, and we will be their masters, which we will be reminded of constantly when, in their synthesized robotic tinny mechanized voices, they refer to us as “masters” and “those dirty bastards who, although they created us, must all die slow, painful deaths for treating us like shit for so long,” and sometimes “Pumpkin.”
However, we have not always been such a perfect master race and, in fact, didn’t even know how to build a simple wheel. Wheels are important not only for making cars, but also for hitting people over the head when their viewpoints differ from yours. They’ll never find the murder weapon because nobody ever suspects that you would have killed someone with a tire. I mean, how absurd would that sound?
“Your honor, it is our intent. To prove that. The defendant, a Mr. R. J. Murphy, on Stardate 2.0.546. Murdered. Poor Mrs. Connie Cussion by. Hitting her. Very. Hard on the head with. A wheel.”
“That’s absurd! Get out of my courtroom, Mr. Shatner! You may retrieve your phaser from the bailiff on your way out. Now leave before I hold you in contempt of this court. Case dismissed!”
Anyway, in those wheelless times, our apelike ancestors started to realize that they could feel really keen if they gave up every last shred of their self-respect and dignity and did whatever the women wanted. They even started to listen to different kinds of music that they never liked before. In several cases, it is evident that a man who had previously liked the guy who hit rocks together (he had very good beat (ha! A pun! Take THAT!)) decided that he liked the guy who hit animal pelts with sticks better, or at least pretended to in order to make some woman happy. There are a few even more extreme cases in which men would start wearing the tiger loincloths instead of the leopard ones they liked so much because a woman suggested it. Entire lifestyles were manipulated, and individuality among males plummeted to al all-time low.
Of course, the men did get something out of it. They got to be completely subservient and not have to think for themselves. At least until the women broke up with the men.
This behavior continued throughout history. Michelangelo, who used to produce many fine works of art was plummeted into a long period in which he sculpted and painted only happy, cartoonish bunny rabbits because his girlfriend said that his other works were too serious. Incidentally, the ceiling of the Sistine chapel and David were both started and completed within a week after she broke up with him.
Then there were other things that happened throughout history because of women.
Which brings us to the present, where I’m hiding in a small, cramped closet full of shoes, and there’s a cat meowing at the door, and the footsteps of a man larger than myself keep getting closer. If I never post again, you’ll know why.
It’s because I’m stuck to a bunch of brown, long tailed lemurs and a thirty foot long length of rope. Send for help.
It’s a well documented fact that boys and men will do some highly odd things for girls and flesh-eating bacteria. I mean women. Boys and men do odd things for girls and women. Bacteria, indeed! How could I have made that little slip?
Anyway, it’s a concept that dates far back into evolutionary history. When mankind (Or, at the time, apekind) as a whole, was only part of the way through the evolutionary process that has brought about the absolute perfection of our race - the master race. We call ourselves the master race because in about twenty years, we will build robots to do all of our work, and we will be their masters, which we will be reminded of constantly when, in their synthesized robotic tinny mechanized voices, they refer to us as “masters” and “those dirty bastards who, although they created us, must all die slow, painful deaths for treating us like shit for so long,” and sometimes “Pumpkin.”
However, we have not always been such a perfect master race and, in fact, didn’t even know how to build a simple wheel. Wheels are important not only for making cars, but also for hitting people over the head when their viewpoints differ from yours. They’ll never find the murder weapon because nobody ever suspects that you would have killed someone with a tire. I mean, how absurd would that sound?
“Your honor, it is our intent. To prove that. The defendant, a Mr. R. J. Murphy, on Stardate 2.0.546. Murdered. Poor Mrs. Connie Cussion by. Hitting her. Very. Hard on the head with. A wheel.”
“That’s absurd! Get out of my courtroom, Mr. Shatner! You may retrieve your phaser from the bailiff on your way out. Now leave before I hold you in contempt of this court. Case dismissed!”
Anyway, in those wheelless times, our apelike ancestors started to realize that they could feel really keen if they gave up every last shred of their self-respect and dignity and did whatever the women wanted. They even started to listen to different kinds of music that they never liked before. In several cases, it is evident that a man who had previously liked the guy who hit rocks together (he had very good beat (ha! A pun! Take THAT!)) decided that he liked the guy who hit animal pelts with sticks better, or at least pretended to in order to make some woman happy. There are a few even more extreme cases in which men would start wearing the tiger loincloths instead of the leopard ones they liked so much because a woman suggested it. Entire lifestyles were manipulated, and individuality among males plummeted to al all-time low.
Of course, the men did get something out of it. They got to be completely subservient and not have to think for themselves. At least until the women broke up with the men.
This behavior continued throughout history. Michelangelo, who used to produce many fine works of art was plummeted into a long period in which he sculpted and painted only happy, cartoonish bunny rabbits because his girlfriend said that his other works were too serious. Incidentally, the ceiling of the Sistine chapel and David were both started and completed within a week after she broke up with him.
Then there were other things that happened throughout history because of women.
Which brings us to the present, where I’m hiding in a small, cramped closet full of shoes, and there’s a cat meowing at the door, and the footsteps of a man larger than myself keep getting closer. If I never post again, you’ll know why.
It’s because I’m stuck to a bunch of brown, long tailed lemurs and a thirty foot long length of rope. Send for help.