Know what you're up against this Sunday!
The Origins of the Easter Bunny
One upon a time, long long ago, when the Earth’s surface was still in a Pangaea-like mess of land and water, all of the worlds’ holidays were presided over by a ham. It was quite a large ham, and magical to boot. The ham was the universal symbol fro Christmas, New Year’s, The Fourth Of July, and all sorts of other holidays. While some people argue that these holidays weren’t even around until sometime after the continents were in the places they are now, these people are dumb. Every holiday we celebrate, from President’s Day to the Ides Of March have always been around. We have solid evidence of the dinosaurs drawing pictures of the magic ham on Christmas and Cinco De Mayo, though they probably revered the ham as some sort of god since pork wasn’t invented until late into the 1950’s. Even the primordial soup worshipped the ham by being more gooey than usual on those special days, and arranging its proteins into ham-shaped patterns.
Then, a few million years ago, modern man crawled out of a cave for the first time. He had just evolutionized from a lemur, and was quite intent on fitting in with all of the life around him so he started worshipping the ham on the same days as everything else did, thus he became aware of holidays, even the ones during which only federal employees get the days off. Man aspired to be like the ham, and emulated its greatness in all that he did.
Four months after emerging from his cave, man decided it would be a good idea to commercialize holidays, and started making shirts with pictures of the ham on them, small ceramic hams, coffee mugs that bleated out holiday songs with little electronic beeps, large ceramic hams, and, being bad with rhymes, bumper stickers that read “I scream, you scream, we all scream for ham.” Then he created sales to make all of the other animals want to buy them.
Unfortunately, he was eaten by a pack of jealous, unevolutionized lemurs, and evolution took a step back. Unfortunately, it was a step that evolution found to be particularly confusing, and it took another few million years to create another modern man. This time, however, it had the foresight to accompany him with a modern woman. But, modern man got confused when modern woman got angry with him for leaving the toilet seat up and not understanding what she was going through when she had her modern womanly problems, so modern woman killed him, then had to ask evolution to make another one. Evolution grudgingly obliged, and modern woman killed that modern man, too. This happened five times before evolution decided not to bother any more, and just made some non-modern men and women who got along pretty well.
While the non-modern men and women were trying out how to become modern without evolutionary aid, the magical ham had gotten old and tired, and delegated his responsibilities to all sorts of other magical creatures and people. He gave control over Christmas to some fat, old drunken creep who enjoyed catering to the whims of the very young. When that man was beaten to death after giving children “sexual exploration and exploitation kits” for Christmas, the ham chose Santa Claus to take his place. President’s Day was given to a bunch of old dead guys with magical, wooden teeth. Hanukah was given to a magical little candelabra. Easter was the hardest, though. The ham decided to keep executive power over that precious holiday, so as to not phase himself out of man’s consciousness forever.
Things went well for many years, and the holidays and their icons even survived pre-modern man turning into modern man. And then they survived the dark ages, when modern man was trying to become civilized man by creating “the man” and keeping everyone down while “the man” tried to keep the holidays completely devoid of meaning and had many epic battles with the magical ham which sent avatars of itself to save the world. Unfortunately, most of the avatars were ham shaped and ham sized and were eaten by wild wolves. The holiday icons damned the man, but to no avail.
In an effort to end the dark ages and help humanity remember the importance of the holidays, all of the holiday icons banded together and launched a counteroffensive against “the man” and beat him into submission. Everyone rejoiced, and painted bad paintings and drank bad alcoholic drinks since mixers hadn’t been invented yet, and ate lots of bad food, and made a bunch of pretty cool sculptures, though a few were missing their arms.
As time went on, civilized man progressed in enlightenment, then greed, then intolerance, then expansionism, then more intolerance then capitalism. It was now the late 1940’s and “the man’s” presence was once again very strong in the world, but he was insidious and stronger than before, and the holiday icons had been cheapened by people trying to make money. The ham realized that something had to be done to prevent “the man” from getting any stronger, so he scoured the land far and wide for the ultimate soldier to battle “the man” in one last, final, big showdown. That soldier would take charge of Easter, and the ham would retire happily. However, the ham was having a hard time deciding between the Terminator, Robocop and Superman, and didn’t realize, until the time of the showdown that none of them were real, and had to pick the first thing he saw to fight “the man.”
This thing was chosen to be the ultimate fighter.
It was a bunny.
"The man" ate it alive and spit it out, a commercialized, bastardized mockery of all that is alive and good. And thus, all of the holidays fell to “the man” without the aid of the magical ham. Several years later, in the 1950’s, with no reason to revere the magical ham, civilized man invented pigs and ate bacon, ham and pork rinds.
And that is the story of how the Easter Bunny came to be.
One upon a time, long long ago, when the Earth’s surface was still in a Pangaea-like mess of land and water, all of the worlds’ holidays were presided over by a ham. It was quite a large ham, and magical to boot. The ham was the universal symbol fro Christmas, New Year’s, The Fourth Of July, and all sorts of other holidays. While some people argue that these holidays weren’t even around until sometime after the continents were in the places they are now, these people are dumb. Every holiday we celebrate, from President’s Day to the Ides Of March have always been around. We have solid evidence of the dinosaurs drawing pictures of the magic ham on Christmas and Cinco De Mayo, though they probably revered the ham as some sort of god since pork wasn’t invented until late into the 1950’s. Even the primordial soup worshipped the ham by being more gooey than usual on those special days, and arranging its proteins into ham-shaped patterns.
Then, a few million years ago, modern man crawled out of a cave for the first time. He had just evolutionized from a lemur, and was quite intent on fitting in with all of the life around him so he started worshipping the ham on the same days as everything else did, thus he became aware of holidays, even the ones during which only federal employees get the days off. Man aspired to be like the ham, and emulated its greatness in all that he did.
Four months after emerging from his cave, man decided it would be a good idea to commercialize holidays, and started making shirts with pictures of the ham on them, small ceramic hams, coffee mugs that bleated out holiday songs with little electronic beeps, large ceramic hams, and, being bad with rhymes, bumper stickers that read “I scream, you scream, we all scream for ham.” Then he created sales to make all of the other animals want to buy them.
Unfortunately, he was eaten by a pack of jealous, unevolutionized lemurs, and evolution took a step back. Unfortunately, it was a step that evolution found to be particularly confusing, and it took another few million years to create another modern man. This time, however, it had the foresight to accompany him with a modern woman. But, modern man got confused when modern woman got angry with him for leaving the toilet seat up and not understanding what she was going through when she had her modern womanly problems, so modern woman killed him, then had to ask evolution to make another one. Evolution grudgingly obliged, and modern woman killed that modern man, too. This happened five times before evolution decided not to bother any more, and just made some non-modern men and women who got along pretty well.
While the non-modern men and women were trying out how to become modern without evolutionary aid, the magical ham had gotten old and tired, and delegated his responsibilities to all sorts of other magical creatures and people. He gave control over Christmas to some fat, old drunken creep who enjoyed catering to the whims of the very young. When that man was beaten to death after giving children “sexual exploration and exploitation kits” for Christmas, the ham chose Santa Claus to take his place. President’s Day was given to a bunch of old dead guys with magical, wooden teeth. Hanukah was given to a magical little candelabra. Easter was the hardest, though. The ham decided to keep executive power over that precious holiday, so as to not phase himself out of man’s consciousness forever.
Things went well for many years, and the holidays and their icons even survived pre-modern man turning into modern man. And then they survived the dark ages, when modern man was trying to become civilized man by creating “the man” and keeping everyone down while “the man” tried to keep the holidays completely devoid of meaning and had many epic battles with the magical ham which sent avatars of itself to save the world. Unfortunately, most of the avatars were ham shaped and ham sized and were eaten by wild wolves. The holiday icons damned the man, but to no avail.
In an effort to end the dark ages and help humanity remember the importance of the holidays, all of the holiday icons banded together and launched a counteroffensive against “the man” and beat him into submission. Everyone rejoiced, and painted bad paintings and drank bad alcoholic drinks since mixers hadn’t been invented yet, and ate lots of bad food, and made a bunch of pretty cool sculptures, though a few were missing their arms.
As time went on, civilized man progressed in enlightenment, then greed, then intolerance, then expansionism, then more intolerance then capitalism. It was now the late 1940’s and “the man’s” presence was once again very strong in the world, but he was insidious and stronger than before, and the holiday icons had been cheapened by people trying to make money. The ham realized that something had to be done to prevent “the man” from getting any stronger, so he scoured the land far and wide for the ultimate soldier to battle “the man” in one last, final, big showdown. That soldier would take charge of Easter, and the ham would retire happily. However, the ham was having a hard time deciding between the Terminator, Robocop and Superman, and didn’t realize, until the time of the showdown that none of them were real, and had to pick the first thing he saw to fight “the man.”
This thing was chosen to be the ultimate fighter.
It was a bunny.
"The man" ate it alive and spit it out, a commercialized, bastardized mockery of all that is alive and good. And thus, all of the holidays fell to “the man” without the aid of the magical ham. Several years later, in the 1950’s, with no reason to revere the magical ham, civilized man invented pigs and ate bacon, ham and pork rinds.
And that is the story of how the Easter Bunny came to be.