My Walls, Defined....
This is a very raw post. If it makes you uncomfortable, then don't read it.
I have walls. I have walls up to my own feelings. I don't like to care too much, I feel like it's only ever gotten me in trouble. I have the capacity to be really angry sometimes. I have the capacity to be really clingy sometimes. I have been repressing these emotions. The bad thing is that I stopped being able to give the best of myself to people when I stopped allowing them to see the worst. I have been hurt by people I thought I could trust. I've been hurt by people whom I've known for my entire life. I've been pushed around and bullied by people who are jealous of all the love and beauty I've tried to manifest and spread in this world. My actions speak for themselves, but my emotions are the hard part to express.
I'm angry. And judgmental. About people being idiots, and people being shallow, and people not wanting to spend time with me unless I'm a ball of sunshine. I'm sad about my dad dying before I needed him the most. I'm sad about all my past relationships ending, usually before I got to the good parts. I'm sad that there was never a chance to see how it could have been. I'm disappointed in people who do what they think they have to in order to survive, even if it's illegal or eats away at their soul, because everyone is
worth more than that. I'm disappointed in myself for chasing people off.
I'm afraid. I'm afraid that I'll get hurt again, or be disappointed again, or have a reason to be sad again. I'm afraid that I'm crazy, that I drove myself too far from other people, and even though I can still see the logic in my decisions, no one else can. I'm afraid that I'm reacting purely from emotion and rationalizing it, instead of thinking logically. I'm afraid this isn't the way to be.
I'm afraid I'm doing it all wrong. All of it.
I'm afraid no one is ever going to love me. But I know that's not true. I know someone will love me, but I'll probably despise them. I'll see them as weak pussy boys, and I won't respect them. So let me say that: I'm afraid that no one whom I deem worthy of me will see me as worthy of them.
Check this out: I try to scare guys off. I know what guys don't like in new relationships, and I do those things. Most normal females would try not to do those things while they got to know a boy. I do those things, as a screening mechanism, because if a guy just wants to get in my pants, it'll get rid of him right quick. *snap* Where'd he go? If a guy actually feels more emotionally attracted to me, he'll stick around and get through it. And I usually chill out after about a month.
I don't like to have conversations with people who want to have conversations with me. If I don't see you at a coffee shop during the day, I might discuss some things, and it'll be a bit more in-depth. If I see you at a bar, I won't interact with you in any way except shooting the shit, and mess around. My conversations happen during the day, with people who call me up on the phone and I meet them specifically to converse. If I see you in a bar, the conversation won't be as good as it could be.
I'm uncomfortable with the intensity of my emotions. I've had boys express that they were uncomfortable with my intensity. How do you think I must feel? I have to live in a body with it! Geez! I bury it, to keep it from interfering with my day-to-day life. When I stop drinking, as I have now for this month, it all comes bubbling back up. I'm not happy about this right now. I don't want to be useless because of my emotions! I want to be productive! I don't want to cry! I don't want to feel heavy in my heart! I don't want to be this lonely!
I'm uncomfortable with intimacy and sexuality. Intimacy more so. I have trouble saying the word penis. I have trouble looking at penises because I feel like I have to avert my eyes. I have trouble touching penises, because even though I know the motions of what I'm supposed to do with them, I always think I'm going to do it wrong and embarrass myself while touching the penis of a boy that I'm crushing over. Sex, I'm pretty good with, but I still go into auto-pilot mode more than I should. Emotionally detach, and that doesn't leave much room for intimacy and expression of love. I've been working on that though, and it's getting better.
I'm afraid of going to people's homes. I'm afraid that their decorating sense will be bad and I won't like them as much for it. Yes, I'm that much of a snob. It's not even superficial, it's very deep. Nothing offends me more than a home someone has lived in for 3 years that still has bare walls, and shows no real signs that the person has lived there so long. Own your space.
I have no respect for boys who try to become exactly what I'm looking for. Don't live a lie, be who you are and if we're compatible it'll work out.
So, that's it, I think. There are probably more, but this is long enough. Vic is the only guy to have gotten through all of that, and got to the really good stuff. But I wasn't in love with him by the end, it wasn't right, and it ended. He said once that I'd never be able to find another guy who would be willing to put up with my craziness, outlined above. A part of me is afraid that he's right. Another part of me says "fuck that! I'm strong enough to deal with it!". And a third part of me just wants to relax and stop caring so much. I don't want to prove him wrong, I just want to heal to a point where I can allow myself to love again. Because a side effect of all this emotional BS is that I can't actually feel it anymore. I can laugh and feel joy, and be content on my own, but theres a missing feeling, and has been missing for some time. I miss it, I'd like to feel it again.
That's all. Have you had enough Dommie Baggage for one day?
I have walls. I have walls up to my own feelings. I don't like to care too much, I feel like it's only ever gotten me in trouble. I have the capacity to be really angry sometimes. I have the capacity to be really clingy sometimes. I have been repressing these emotions. The bad thing is that I stopped being able to give the best of myself to people when I stopped allowing them to see the worst. I have been hurt by people I thought I could trust. I've been hurt by people whom I've known for my entire life. I've been pushed around and bullied by people who are jealous of all the love and beauty I've tried to manifest and spread in this world. My actions speak for themselves, but my emotions are the hard part to express.
I'm angry. And judgmental. About people being idiots, and people being shallow, and people not wanting to spend time with me unless I'm a ball of sunshine. I'm sad about my dad dying before I needed him the most. I'm sad about all my past relationships ending, usually before I got to the good parts. I'm sad that there was never a chance to see how it could have been. I'm disappointed in people who do what they think they have to in order to survive, even if it's illegal or eats away at their soul, because everyone is
worth more than that. I'm disappointed in myself for chasing people off.
I'm afraid. I'm afraid that I'll get hurt again, or be disappointed again, or have a reason to be sad again. I'm afraid that I'm crazy, that I drove myself too far from other people, and even though I can still see the logic in my decisions, no one else can. I'm afraid that I'm reacting purely from emotion and rationalizing it, instead of thinking logically. I'm afraid this isn't the way to be.
I'm afraid I'm doing it all wrong. All of it.
I'm afraid no one is ever going to love me. But I know that's not true. I know someone will love me, but I'll probably despise them. I'll see them as weak pussy boys, and I won't respect them. So let me say that: I'm afraid that no one whom I deem worthy of me will see me as worthy of them.
Check this out: I try to scare guys off. I know what guys don't like in new relationships, and I do those things. Most normal females would try not to do those things while they got to know a boy. I do those things, as a screening mechanism, because if a guy just wants to get in my pants, it'll get rid of him right quick. *snap* Where'd he go? If a guy actually feels more emotionally attracted to me, he'll stick around and get through it. And I usually chill out after about a month.
I don't like to have conversations with people who want to have conversations with me. If I don't see you at a coffee shop during the day, I might discuss some things, and it'll be a bit more in-depth. If I see you at a bar, I won't interact with you in any way except shooting the shit, and mess around. My conversations happen during the day, with people who call me up on the phone and I meet them specifically to converse. If I see you in a bar, the conversation won't be as good as it could be.
I'm uncomfortable with the intensity of my emotions. I've had boys express that they were uncomfortable with my intensity. How do you think I must feel? I have to live in a body with it! Geez! I bury it, to keep it from interfering with my day-to-day life. When I stop drinking, as I have now for this month, it all comes bubbling back up. I'm not happy about this right now. I don't want to be useless because of my emotions! I want to be productive! I don't want to cry! I don't want to feel heavy in my heart! I don't want to be this lonely!
I'm uncomfortable with intimacy and sexuality. Intimacy more so. I have trouble saying the word penis. I have trouble looking at penises because I feel like I have to avert my eyes. I have trouble touching penises, because even though I know the motions of what I'm supposed to do with them, I always think I'm going to do it wrong and embarrass myself while touching the penis of a boy that I'm crushing over. Sex, I'm pretty good with, but I still go into auto-pilot mode more than I should. Emotionally detach, and that doesn't leave much room for intimacy and expression of love. I've been working on that though, and it's getting better.
I'm afraid of going to people's homes. I'm afraid that their decorating sense will be bad and I won't like them as much for it. Yes, I'm that much of a snob. It's not even superficial, it's very deep. Nothing offends me more than a home someone has lived in for 3 years that still has bare walls, and shows no real signs that the person has lived there so long. Own your space.
I have no respect for boys who try to become exactly what I'm looking for. Don't live a lie, be who you are and if we're compatible it'll work out.
So, that's it, I think. There are probably more, but this is long enough. Vic is the only guy to have gotten through all of that, and got to the really good stuff. But I wasn't in love with him by the end, it wasn't right, and it ended. He said once that I'd never be able to find another guy who would be willing to put up with my craziness, outlined above. A part of me is afraid that he's right. Another part of me says "fuck that! I'm strong enough to deal with it!". And a third part of me just wants to relax and stop caring so much. I don't want to prove him wrong, I just want to heal to a point where I can allow myself to love again. Because a side effect of all this emotional BS is that I can't actually feel it anymore. I can laugh and feel joy, and be content on my own, but theres a missing feeling, and has been missing for some time. I miss it, I'd like to feel it again.
That's all. Have you had enough Dommie Baggage for one day?