Read my Past today, realized that I've grown, but am still rehashing the same old stuff...
I've grown in terms of how I see the world, I'm not as angry, I don't let people hurt me anymore, I've put up these big brick walls in my heart and soul that no one can climb over or break through unless they're pure of heart. And even then they're chances of getting through are slim to none
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When you're looking outside for love, you won't find it. And if you do, it's not going to be what you're looking for. Turn within, start there, let the rest unfold. Stop trying to be so in control all the time. And those walls around your heart won't stop love from finding you, more likely it will stop your own love from getting out more often.
You don't have to be "loose and easy" to find a good guy, quite the opposite in fact. It's encouraging that you're dating at least, but maybe you should focus more on your relationships with friends (both male and female) and sharing love with them.
Also... sorry but it's just silly that you're wearing your difficult nature like some sorta badge. You'll never be too difficult for the right guy =)
Good luck =)
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I choose who sees the inner me, and I've chosen not to show you or the guys in your community. Sorry, I don't think you have anything to say about this. I'm not attracted to the grand majority of guys in the flipside community. Plus, so far they've had such a bad track record with being dramatic users, I'm just not interested anymore.
I love myself deep down I do, I had a traumatic experience, I stuffed all my feelings away for a while so maybe that doesn't come through anymore, so now I have to unpack those emotions again.
It's encouraging that you're dating at least,
WTF? What's encouraging about this? I had a boyfriend for 9 months, and I've been single for the last 3 months, and I didn't date anyone for 2 months to give myself time to heal from the last one, and I didn't want to hurt the last one more than I had to, and I needed time to integrate my experience, and now I've been spending time with men for the last month, getting to know them instead of just hopping into bed with the next boy to come along like I used to do. And I'm receiving more fucking guff for this post, and it's the most honest vulnerable post I've ever written. Fuck you. I'm doing just fine. But I choose who I give my love to, both to friends and lovers. Right now, I'm not really giving it to anyone. And I'm not giving it to you.
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Of course, you're right and no one will ever have any insight into you beyond what you already know. And so far that's made you happy, right?
Believe me, I've got nothing personally to gain by responding to your post. I care about people who care about you, I respect your work as an artist, but as far as personality goes you lost me at hello.
"It's lonely in here, in my walled off tower of snobbery and pain and fear. But it's safe." That pretty much sums it up. Have fun in your ivory tower =)
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Forgive me for thinking maybe you and I were friends. Forgive me for daring to be bold enough to offer something more than a nudge and a smile and a "don't worry it's ok" response. Forgive me for being honest with you.
All this amounts to what you've always shown me personally: hostility and abuse. And I've never asked anything of you, and I never will, because you have nothing I need, want, or desire. All I've ever offered is sincerity and compassion. But you've proven to be a master at pushing people away, and now you've succeeded yet again. Congrats.
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And I also don't think I've only ever shown you hostility and abuse. I think of you quite fondly, and greet you and smile when I see you. I get angry because I care. If I didn't care, I wouldn't care. I don't think that us disagreeing on the subject of me should be enough to end our friendship.
Also, if a guy is able to see that my outer shell is covering deeper insecurities, why doesn't he just ASK me about it? No one seems to ever ask me what's going on with me. I always sit and listen to what others are going through, ask them questions and try to understand their feelings on it before trying to help them through it, but what about me? I try to open up, and either someone states that they're uncomfortable with hearing it, or tell me I'm crazy without being clear on what makes them think I'm crazy, or they start spouting off what works for them without trying to understand where I'm coming from. I'm a fucking mess right now, and of course I'm angry, and no one stops to ask what the hell I've been through to change me from happy go lucky Dommie of 7 years ago, and the bitter walled off woman I've become now. You don't want to hear it, no one does. So fuck it, I don't have to listen to what you have to say about me until you ask what happened to change me. Until you know me, you don't know me, and your words can't touch me unless they're truely meant to help me understand the fucked up things I've been through.
All you stated in your first comment were cliches that have little or nothing to do with me. I've heard all that before in books of quotes. And I do value your opinion, but we obviously have different beliefs on certain subjects. I don't see that as a bad thing. It's just different. If you'd like to continue this in person, I'd have no problem with that at all. Email me your number, and we'll go get some coffee.
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