Silver white winters that melt into springs
and today there are the first perceptible buds on the trees. I love spring, and I hate that I love spring. I hate that once it starts, it practically catapults into summer like some great heaving mass, and before you know it, I'll be gone from this place.
I hate loving spring because everyone does, even if they keep it a secret and say they love winter. Yes, autumn is the prettiest, but there's this whole lifting of the spirit thing that goes along with spring. And I sorta hate that too. I tend to fight these uncalculated emotional responses. I think I may be colder than I used to be.
I know it's been forever, trust me, I know. I also know (as I said to Dr. Seifried just this morning) that I can't feel a lot of guilt about what might be seen as procrastination or a lack of activity in your eyes, because I know that without a doubt, there has not been a moment to spare on this or on many other things. This is not to say that I am unhappy. No, I am probably the happiest I have ever been, which is almost always true.
I seem to draw energy from my hectic days, and believe me, this week could not have been more hectic. I've been getting home at five, eating dinner, then leaving at 6:30 for more rehearsals, and getting back around eleven just in time to start homework. And I love it. I love that my lips are cut on the inside from being constantly pressed against my teeth; I love that I'll probably get tendonitis from lugging my case all over fairfax county; I love my morning coffee and my evening mountain dew.
Today I have just enough time to evaluate. Really, I am doing quite well. Topics IA went in today, english project finished, college auditions finished, acceptances from all colleges, 15 grand per year from Ithaca, in all-state (by the hair of my nose after a truly terrible audition), and the list continues. Today I feel the rounding off of a lot of irons I had in the fire, and spring is coming and summer is coming and college is coming and I'm hit flat on my back with playing and working and watching the Nanny. And I never really feel like life is awful, and if I could just get out of this place it would be so much better. Conversely, I never feel like life is so great and I'll hate whatever follows this chapter.
In summary, I can propose only two truths about my life.
1. Life is busy, and it will continue to be busy.
2. Busy is beautiful, and it will continue to be beautiful.
I hate loving spring because everyone does, even if they keep it a secret and say they love winter. Yes, autumn is the prettiest, but there's this whole lifting of the spirit thing that goes along with spring. And I sorta hate that too. I tend to fight these uncalculated emotional responses. I think I may be colder than I used to be.
I know it's been forever, trust me, I know. I also know (as I said to Dr. Seifried just this morning) that I can't feel a lot of guilt about what might be seen as procrastination or a lack of activity in your eyes, because I know that without a doubt, there has not been a moment to spare on this or on many other things. This is not to say that I am unhappy. No, I am probably the happiest I have ever been, which is almost always true.
I seem to draw energy from my hectic days, and believe me, this week could not have been more hectic. I've been getting home at five, eating dinner, then leaving at 6:30 for more rehearsals, and getting back around eleven just in time to start homework. And I love it. I love that my lips are cut on the inside from being constantly pressed against my teeth; I love that I'll probably get tendonitis from lugging my case all over fairfax county; I love my morning coffee and my evening mountain dew.
Today I have just enough time to evaluate. Really, I am doing quite well. Topics IA went in today, english project finished, college auditions finished, acceptances from all colleges, 15 grand per year from Ithaca, in all-state (by the hair of my nose after a truly terrible audition), and the list continues. Today I feel the rounding off of a lot of irons I had in the fire, and spring is coming and summer is coming and college is coming and I'm hit flat on my back with playing and working and watching the Nanny. And I never really feel like life is awful, and if I could just get out of this place it would be so much better. Conversely, I never feel like life is so great and I'll hate whatever follows this chapter.
In summary, I can propose only two truths about my life.
1. Life is busy, and it will continue to be busy.
2. Busy is beautiful, and it will continue to be beautiful.