(no subject)

[possiblybored]

To My Beloved Customers:

I truly hope you are enjoying your holiday season.  Many of you are off or taking time off to be with your families, and I think that's great.  By shopping with us, you are participating in an American tradition--buying tons of crap for Christmas.  And, while we're all glad for the extra business [especially managers!], there are a few things I would like to remind you of.  I know you're busy and a little stressed-out.  I am both of those things simultaneously while I am working during the holidays, so, yes, I feel your pain.  But there are just a few things I need to remind you of.  Hope you find them helpful.

• My name is Mike.  You can find this information on my nametag, which is conveniently hanging around my neck.  My name is printed at the bottom.  I realize the main reason the company has given me a nametag is so that I can be a walking sign advertising gift cards.  I've tried to work against that by printing my name label in white letters on a black background, which stands out more.  Still, I understand it's hard to read, plus, I may not even be facing you.  There is a new sentence that is rumored to help you get the attention of a male you are not familiar with.  It's called, "Excuse me, sir."  You should try it.  It works wonders!  Still, I try to be pretty tolerant.  I will accept "Excuse me" without the "sir" or "Sir" without the "excuse me."  I would even be willing to settle for "Hey!" although that is not my favorite.  There are certain things I do not accept, though.  Making a primal noise at me is a good, recent example.  I am not a pet, or an ape.  I do require you to say something to me in English.  So, yes, sir, I heard you grunting at me like a wild boar.  I was choosing to ignore you.  I hope this drives home the point that I am an English-speaking human.  Same goes for you, little college girl, who made this whine/groan at me.  It sounded almost like a sexual noise, though, I promise, it was not attractive.  I walked right past you too, sweetie.  Then I smiled to myself.  Just try a polite sentence like "Excuse me, sir."  I promise, you're doing us all a favor.
• I am not psychic, nor do I wish to be.  I'm sorry I can't read your mind.  Sometimes I wish I could, only so that I wouldn't have to talk to you, but as of today, that isn't happening.  If you need something, please tell me, and tell me what it is.  If you need a specific book, please tell me, rather than asking for a general section and then springing a title and author on me.  Thank you.  Also, it would be fantastic if you told me which of the four similar titles I gave you is the one you are looking for.  I do not read [insert romance series], therefore, I do not know exactly which book you want.  I'm sorry.  That's why they gave us computers.  I know many of you are too lazy to think, but that is one thing that I just can't do for you.  Speak up or shut up.
• Yes, I work here.  There are several easy ways to make sure that I work here.  Let me walk you through them.  First, if you look at me, you will see that I am wearing a name tag.  I do not know anyone who wears a name tag as a fashion accessory.  This particular one has lots of company crap on it.  I'd consider it fairly telling.  Again, I understand that you can't always see it.  Do you see that very large phone on my waist?  The same one that most other people working here have?  That is another clue.  It is obviously too large to be a cell phone [in this day and age], and it rings in concert with the other store phones.  On the other side of my belt is my scanner.  It is very large, and unmistakably work-related.  You can see it weighing down my pants.  If you watch long enough, I will detach it from my belt and use it on something.  So, between the phone, name tag, and scanner, that's three sides.  If you happen to be behind me, you are probably watching me help another customer.  Unfortunately, these days you will not see strangers taking the time to help someone who is lost or confused, so seeing me help this sweet old lady over to the knitting books is a strong sign that I work here.  Is the evidence mounting?  Oh, and let's not forget that, when I started helping this kind woman, I was on the other side of the Customer Services desk--you know, the employee side?  Please don't watch me help this person and then go, "Do you work here?"  It's OK to use your brain to draw the obvious conclusion.  Asking only annoys me.
• No, I don't know everything about every book.  I wish I did.  I really do.  I wish I had the ability to watch every television show and listen to every radio station at the same time.  Still, I probably would not have heard about your book, beacuse I suspect you are an alien from another galaxy.  I am sorry I didn't see Wednesday's Larry King Live.  I was at work.  I can't watch TV at work.  I cannot tell you what was on shows that I didn't watch or are not in the computer.  You may have to do some research on your own.  I know that going to the Larry King website is incredibly stressful and time-consuming, and I apologize, but at some point you have to take responsibility for yourself.  It's on you to bring me reasonable information that I can use to help you find your book.  I don't expect ISBNs [though I won't complain!], but title and author seems reasonable.  Just meet me halfway.  I will be happy to get you your little impulse purchase.
• When I tell you something, you can take it to the bank.  I'm very sorry that what I had to tell you is not what you want to hear.  This does not mean that it isn't true.  Asking my co-worker when I walk away the same thing you just asked me is not going to change the facts, nor is it going to get you more love from us.  I [generally] don't enjoy disappointing you.  When you're not happy, I'm not happy, mostly because you're making me not happy.  But that's neither here nor there.  Sometimes, I have to be the bearer of bad news.  I know you don't want to believe that your son's video game book has been delayed until after Christmas.  And I am very sorry to have to tell you that, mostly because you are keeping me from going on my break, and I have been craving a chocolate treat.  But there's just nothing I can do.  It is on backorder at the publisher.  We don't have a copy.  Neighboring stores do not have a copy.  Warehouses don't even have a copy.  It's time to develop Plan B.  I will be happy to help you with that.  No, I can't call anyone just to get you your order.  Yes, you are welcome to speak to a manager.  They will repeat everything I said, but I will get my chocolate in the meantime, and when I get back, you should be gone.  That sounds like a great idea, actually.  But when I say something to you you can accept it as truth and fact.
• The "back room" is not a magic place, nor will I go there just on your request.  My computer tells me with a reasonable degree of certainty whether or not a book might be in the back.  I know you can't tell this from looking at me, but I have worked at this very store for just over three years now, and I spent half that time working full-time as a head cashier.  I know whether something is in the back, and I know when it's worth my time to go back there.  This is the last full weekend before Christmas.  We are very busy.  I've had to help as many people as I can, as fast as I can, as long as I can.  This means that I have to cut out some of the normal things that you might consider "customer service," such as walking to the back when I know something isn't there, making idle chit-chat with someone in receiving, and then coming back and telling you I couldn't find it.  I cannot create books for you out of thin air; trust me, I wish I could.  I could help another person in the time it takes to go to and from the back.  So when I look up your book, and it's not in stock, nor has it ever been because we've never been modeled for it, nor has anyone ever ordered a copy, nor has the store ever sold a copy, then, NO, I will not go to the back.  I know that makes you whiney, and I'm sure you're disappointed, but saying "How do you know?  You haven't checked in the back." will not make your book appear.  Acceptance is the first step towards recovery.  Get a gift card or something.
• Please let me speak when I am talking to you.  I was trying to help you tonight when I offered you one of the discount cards.  I know you thought I was just going through my canned speech.  See, though, you were spending more than $300.  This means that you could have saved five bucks tonight, and then 10% all next year, for free!  All you had to do was fill out a form.  I wasn't even selling it to you so much as I was trying to give it to you.  But you cut me off, told me that you "didn't do that junk," and demanded a total.  I briefly toyed with the idea of trying to get my message across to you, but then I decided that you just didn't want to hear it no matter what.  So I charged you full price.  Not only did you not save anything tonight, you will also pay full price all next year when you didn't have to.  Personally, I think that's crazy, but to each his own.  You're a grown woman; I won't make you.  But don't come back and bitch and moan in a couple of weeks that you should have bought a card then [like I expect you to].  You cut me off, and that will cost you actual cash money for an entire year.  You should also know that, after you left and I realized that, it didn't make me more angry at you for cutting me off.  It made me smile, because you gave yourself what you deserved, without any help from me!  Thanks for the smile, bee-otch.
• Your Nex-Tel phone is not cool to hear.  I know you think you're big and bad.  It makes you feel like a man to whip out one of those walkie-talkie phones, doesn't it?  Beep over to Earl at the job site and see how the concrete pouring is coming.  Or why not buzz Trishelle down at the trailer and ask her again what book she wanted.  Oooh, you're so important.  Are we done stroking our ego?  Good.  First, I know this may come as a shock to you, but nobody cares.  Having your entire converstation loudly into your phone makes you look and sound very stupid in my eyes.  A two-second question and answer doesn't bother me nearly as much as a five-minute walkie-talkie conversation, punctuated with that fast beeping noise when you press and release the talk button.  You are holding the phone two inches from your face and yelling into it.  May I recommend opening the phone and pressing it against your ear?  Try making a normal call, then you don't have to talk one at a time!  If you insist on using the walkie-talkie mode, could you turn it down?  I know that you can do this, I have heard the rare quiet conversation.  I believe that's a volume control on the side of your phone.  Turn it down.  This is not Home Depot, or the job site.  Special note, those of you who are using your regular cell phone on the speakerphone mode?  This applies to you too.  It's rare, but seems to be increasing.  One last thing:  no talking on the phone when I'm trying to help you or ring you up!
• Please be patient; I'll be with you shortly.  This isn't buying a car.  It doesn't take me too long to help a customer out, whether it's ringing them up or helping them find their books.  So please wait patiently at the appropriate place, and I will be with you as soon as possible.  It is not acceptable to interrupt my conversation, even if it is a "quick question" or you just want me to "point in the right direction."  This is not fair to the customer that has been waiting patiently and playing by the rules.  I realize that some of this is my fault, as I am susceptible to this and will often give in to get you away from me, but that still doesn't make it right.  You are not more important as my current customer.  Sorry.  I am trying to make myself more resistant to this tactic without getting in trouble.  If you'll wait, not only will I point you to the proper section, I'll walk you over there, and even help you look for a book.  It's what I do.  I can help you better if you'll help me by waiting patiently.
• If you need my attention, please do not glare at me.  We've covered most of this already, but this bears mentioning.  I will ignore you if you just stare at me intently, even if it's clear to me that you need help.  I do not make a lot of money doing this.  This does not make me sub-human, at least, not yet.  As I mentioned above, I require some sort of English greeting to help you.  I do not feel like this is an excessive demand on my part.  You are welcome to stand there, just a few steps away from me, and stare all night.  Knock yourself out.  When you're ready to get serious about finding your book, just let me know.
• Please spare me your passive-aggressive issues.  I asked you if you had a Member Card.  It is a simple, yes or no question.  Please do not answer me with "Will you give me one?" and then sneer at me.  I have seen you in here before.  You know you have to pay for them.  Why must you be triflin'?  Pay.  Don't pay.  I get paid either way.  Also, I am required to do the Member thing.  I am sure you don't like it.  I don't like it.  I wish I didn't have to do it, but it's part of my job.  I try to make it as painless as possible.  I only do the bare minimum, asking if you have the card and mentioning one benefit.  I can do that.  "Do you have the Member Card for 10% off?" usually does the trick.  I don't push very much.  I sell less cards, but I'm OK with that.  Still, I have to get through my little question.  Interrupting me mid-sentence with "No-I-don't-have-one-and-I-don't-want-one" only makes me very angry.  Not only will I repeat the question, sometimes, if you are very rude, I mention two benefits.  "Are you sure?  You could start saving today."  I know you have no intention of buying the card.  I'm just giving you a hard time.  I don't apologize.  Just like you didn't apologize for cutting me off.
• Put forth a little effort.  That was me behind you in the magazines.  You were trying to put a magazine back, which I appreciate, but you only took it halfway.  You stood in front of the proper rack and tried to find the magazine.  You reached over to purposely put it in front of another stack because you had given up.  The irony is that the correct stack was right in front of you, and it was costing you more energy to rearrange it as the head of a stack than it would have taken to put it in the right place.  Similarly, please do not leave a stack of books on the floor right in front of where you picked them up.  If they belonged on the shelf, that might be one thing.  But one was a face-out and the other was on a table [right behind him] and blah blah blah.  The bottom line is meet me half-way.
• I can be your best friend or your worst enemy.  It is up to you.  I will be able to go about my day with or without you.  The fact that I didn't help you will not slow me down in the least.  I promise.  So I can help you or not.  It's entirely up to you.  Look around, lady.  It's the second-to-last Friday before Christmas.  This place is packed.  Also, everyone here is new.  So it's me or nothing.  I'm willing to give you the benefit of the doubt, but after you gave me attitude because we didn't have your religous book in stock, do you really think that I'm going to move heaven and earth to track one down for you?  Let me see...hell no!  Why you would piss off the one person who's in a position to help you is beyond me.  But I like to think it's harder for customers to make me sad than happy.  It's up to you. 
• I know rich when I see it.  You told me you could not afford a Member Card right now.  OK.  Maybe thinking a little too much on the short-term, but I'm not going to press the issue.  Give her the total.  Doesn't this chick whip out a ginormous Louis Vuitton purse!  Bitch, that thing is huge.  I know how much those things cost; I did a report on them.  They're crazy.  Crazy.  So don't whip out like a thousand-dollar purse and then play broke.  Especially if you pay with a platinum card.  Just be honest, lady.
• Please try to limit your ignorance.  Sir, the Koran/Quar'an/whatever is a religous text.  Yes, similar to a bible, but for Islamic people.  Islamic people are those who practice islam.  Sir, as far as I know, muslims are people who are islamic, generally.  I am really not a religion expert.  Since you just admitted to me that all you wanted it for was to check a fact you heard on TV, I quit caring, and left you without notice.
• It's "holidays."  I am glad you celebrate Christmas.  Personally, I would have told you that, but you were too busy reaming me out for wishing you "Happy Holidays."  I have had people wish me a happy Kwanzaa, Hanukkah, or any other holiday.  I'm always up for well wishes, I don't know how anyone could say that they do not want well wishes from a particular group.  I don't normally say anything seasonal anyway, I usually stick to my "Have a good day/night."  So when I do offer you a "happy holidays," and you bite my head off, you just make me want to take it back.  Try being polite and saying "Thank you."  You'll make us both happier.  Graciously accepting compliments is a good thing.

That's all I have time for right now.  I almost fell asleep at my compupter!  I hope you customers find this helpful.  I am sure I will be returning to it and updating it as the holidays roll on.  Happy whatever!

No Love,

--Mike V.