too much phil lesh
so I just sat in a starbucks drinking an overpriced coffee and reading about phil lesh from the grateful dead. all I want to do is get out of this deadend hole and into something else. stupid minimum wage boring job that I've worked at for way too long. stupid sitting around like a midwestern housewife eating bonbons watching soap operas and getting fat. wasting all of this knowledge and potential that I might have. what a fucking waste.
I'm reading this book and falling into their lifestyle of sleeping on couches and talking too much and drinking too much and wanting to expand the conscious too much. listening to music and wanting to make things. running around doing too much and having a ball. feeling like at least there is some reason for being around, and if there is no reason well at least you're enjoying it.
I've moved and bounced and found myself back in my fathers house. Where money and work and chores and screaming are all thats worth a damn. what about the soul man? what about trying to enjoy yourself the majority of the time you're alive rather than being in an office for eight hours a day and hating it? maybe at some point I'll see that as reasonable when I'm older and have other people to take care of and worry about other than myself. at this point I'm the only one I have to support, and thats all fine and dandy except all I do is sit around and wastewastewaste.
But what can I do? fly into another hole and hope that is at least more interesting if not more challenging? Find a couch or a corner to sit on and carry around anything thats important in a steamer trunk running running running from one opportunity to the next?
College dropout. I could go back. I could stay here in this house and go to a state school where I'll be just as bored but maybe get some credits according to the boss. sounds like a fucking blast.
so what can I do then? call out old friends and see if they have any ideas? see if there's some possibility of filling my life with something interesting to keep me away from the television? my motivation is gone most of the time. (don't blame it on the marijuana that just keeps me partially sedated and partially interested). but maybe if I weasel my way out of here I'll be pushed into something that will make me useful, for listening to ideas, for having ideas for wanting to do something more.
but, I'm hesitant. the last few leaps I have made haven't had the greatest outcomes. this could be my poor decisions. this could be me. I don't know.
there's just this need to get out again. to throw myself out somewhere so maybe I could have an interesting story and my days would be filled.
I'm reading this book and falling into their lifestyle of sleeping on couches and talking too much and drinking too much and wanting to expand the conscious too much. listening to music and wanting to make things. running around doing too much and having a ball. feeling like at least there is some reason for being around, and if there is no reason well at least you're enjoying it.
I've moved and bounced and found myself back in my fathers house. Where money and work and chores and screaming are all thats worth a damn. what about the soul man? what about trying to enjoy yourself the majority of the time you're alive rather than being in an office for eight hours a day and hating it? maybe at some point I'll see that as reasonable when I'm older and have other people to take care of and worry about other than myself. at this point I'm the only one I have to support, and thats all fine and dandy except all I do is sit around and wastewastewaste.
But what can I do? fly into another hole and hope that is at least more interesting if not more challenging? Find a couch or a corner to sit on and carry around anything thats important in a steamer trunk running running running from one opportunity to the next?
College dropout. I could go back. I could stay here in this house and go to a state school where I'll be just as bored but maybe get some credits according to the boss. sounds like a fucking blast.
so what can I do then? call out old friends and see if they have any ideas? see if there's some possibility of filling my life with something interesting to keep me away from the television? my motivation is gone most of the time. (don't blame it on the marijuana that just keeps me partially sedated and partially interested). but maybe if I weasel my way out of here I'll be pushed into something that will make me useful, for listening to ideas, for having ideas for wanting to do something more.
but, I'm hesitant. the last few leaps I have made haven't had the greatest outcomes. this could be my poor decisions. this could be me. I don't know.
there's just this need to get out again. to throw myself out somewhere so maybe I could have an interesting story and my days would be filled.