True love, and other moral quandries
In which I pick apart characters on The Vampire Diaries to talk about love, power, and relationship dynamics. If you don't watch that show, or don't want to listen to me prattle on about it, move along, move along. I should also mention that I say some disparaging things about Damon. Don't kill me, okay? I still love him and think he's a great, complex character. But some days he makes it as easy to hate him as it is to love him.
Also, if you haven't seen 2x19 "Klaus" then for the love of god, go watch it already! I'll wait. Are you back? Wasn't it AWESOME? Moving on!
Spoilers below, sweetie!
This isn't a recap or an analysis of the episode, but I have to start off with how excited I am that my season-long debate over how the hell an ancient Aztec curse could be triggered by a girl from Bulgaria has FINALLY been answered, thank God. I was really hoping that the show wasn't that dumb, or expected me to be that dumb. I was half expecting Cortes and his conquistadors to be involved, but luckily that's been averted.
I'm also not going to talk about Alaric's return, or how glad I am that next week he and Damon are at the bar in the Grille once again, just like old times. My ship lives! *hugs them*
Ahem. But this post is not about Damon and Alaric. It's mostly about Damon and Elena, and a bit about Damon and Andi, a relationship that is way too disturbing to be on a show meant for teenagers. Watching Damon treat her alternately like a child, a dog, a blowup doll and a chew toy made me want to heave. And I bet the fangirls will focus more on Damon's tears and desperation in that final scene than on the fact that while Andi claimed to want to be there, he had compelled her to have no fear. Andi's not capable of informed consent anymore.
There's an incredible graphic novel series called "Locke & Key" that deals with a series of magical keys that each have different powers. One of them, the Head Key, can be used to open your head to add or remove things. One of the characters, a teenaged girl, is tired of being depressed and scared, so she uses the key to open her head and pull out her fear. She's much happier after that, but she's also reckless. In one great scene we see her move to kiss a boy she likes for the first time while in the foreground we see the personification of her fear, trapped inside a glass jar, beating its tiny fists furiously against the side, screaming, "Don't trust him! He's dangerous! Run away!"
Fear is a healthy emotion to have, especially when there are predators in your midst. It alerts us to danger, initiates the fight or flight response, tells us to be on our guard and wary.
When Damon tells Andi, "Don't be afraid," he takes that away from her. Even when Damon tells her to run, she doesn't understand why she should, because she can't remember how to be afraid for her life. She knows that she cares about Damon and that he's hurting, but she can't recognize the danger he poses, even after he attacks her, because of what he's taken from her.
Frankly, it's incredibly disturbing, and the whole thing makes me really, really uncomfortable. Damon, you make it really hard to love you when you treat people like that.
While I agree that Damon needs somebody in his life to care about him, somebody to hold his hand and say, "Damon, I will always choose you," he also needs somebody strong enough to smack him down when needs it. He needs somebody who won't take his crap. He needs someone who will demand to be treated like an equal, because that's how real relationships work. I've written at length about the balance of power before, and I continue to believe that relationships can't work, in reality or in fiction, unless both people involved respect and trust their other half and treat them as an equal partner.
The truth is, I question whether Damon loves Elena at all. Does he even know her? Does he know she wanted to be a writer before her mom died? Does he know that she can't cook? Or about her preference for Austen books?
No. Those are things that Stefan knows, because he knows her. Stefan listens to her, values her opinion, and treats her like a grown-up, even though they've got a 150-year age gap, and it might be a bit understandable for him to be condescending from to time.
I know that when Stefan looks at Elena he sees the smart, determined woman he loves. He knows she's not Katherine. I'm sure of that.
I'm not sure what Damon sees when he looks at Elena. A softer version of Katherine? A prize to steal away from his brother? His salvation?
After Damon's little speech to Elena in 2x08 "Rose" about how he loves her, but doesn't deserve her, I saw quite a few Damon/Elena fangirls making "Damon deserves Elena" their rallying cry. No, guys, it doesn't work that way. Does Damon deserve to be loved? Of course. Does he deserve to have somebody love him the way Elena loves Stefan? Of course. But claiming that Damon deserves Elena objectifies her, makes her into something Damon could have if he was good enough, which is wrong. Elena's a person, not a brass ring.
The differences between the brothers were only highlighted in "Klaus" after Elena made the move to resurrect Elijah. Elena knew that she was out of options and Klaus was moving in for the kill, so she went to the person she knew could help her. She knew that without another hand to play, it would fall to Bonnie to save the day and Elena wasn't about to let her best friend die. Wakey-wakey, Elijah.
Naturally, the boys figure out what she's done and Stefan calls her. Watch how they talk like grown-ups!
Stefan: "You can't do this alone."
Elena: "It's my decision, Stefan, please respect it."
And then he does! Stefan even says, "If anyone can get him to help us kill Klaus, it's her."
He doesn't like her plan. It's possible that he thinks it's entirely too risky. Because he loves her, Stefan would rather put himself at risk instead of Elena, and having her running around with an Original is probably making him nuts. But Stefan trusts that Elena is intelligent and capable of handling herself. He trusts her. So he backs her play. This plan may go to hell in a handbasket and get them all killed, but since it's primarily Elena's head on the chopping block, when she asks Stefan for his trust, he gives it. Not blindly, but willingly.
What does Damon do? The exact opposite. He wants to rush out and stop Elena, drag her back to the safety of the boardinghouse. When she comes back to look after Jenna, he wants to physically restrain her. He talks down to her and calls her stupid. When he and Stefan come to blows later on Damon refers to "going after what [he] really want[s]." Not only is that entirely dismissive of Andi as a "distraction" (and how much do I love Stefan for calling Damon on that bullshit? High five, Stefan) but it again objectifies Elena as a thing without choices, rather than a whole person.
The line that got all the Damon/Elena shippers swooning last week boggled me. For context, I'll include the whole conversation:
Elena: Let's get one thing straight, Damon. Bonnie will not die for me. I will not let that happen.
Damon: We need to kill Klaus, Elena. Real Klaus, who will probably be coming to pay you a visit soon now that he knows that Bonnie's dead. She's the only one who can do it.
Elena: We'll find another way.
Damon: I hope so.
Elena: Look, I shouldn't have hit you.
Damon: Apology accepted. Let me be clear about something. If it comes down to you and the witch again, I will gladly let Bonnie die. I will always choose you.
What he's saying here is not "Elena, I will always choose you over everyone else, you're the only girl in the world for me."
What he's saying is "Elena, even though you have repeatedly demonstrated almost Winchester-like martyr tendencies, and you just said that you would rather die than let Bonnie die protecting you, I would willingly stand aside while Klaus kills everyone you love if means you won't die."
Um, how is that romantic? Love sacrifices, it doesn't demand sacrifice from others.
But really, everything boils down to the four words Elena said in "Founder's Day": "I love you, Stefan."
She has never given any implication that she would be interested in dumping Stefan for Damon. Oh she's attracted to Damon, that's obvious (the woman has EYES, doesn't she?), and she tries really hard to care about him (even after he snaps her brother's neck), but she loves Stefan. If she was going to swap brothers she would have done it in "Bloodlines" after she found out about Katherine and Damon rescued her from the car. She was pissed at Stefan and Damon was behaving like a decent human being for five minutes. But she didn't. She went back to Stefan, they talked it out, and we all rolled on.
I just cannot believe the mass of shippers who really feel like Damon/Elena is going to happen. If it did, would you have any respect left for Elena? Wouldn't doing that make her a terrible person? And just because YOU would rather hook up with Damon doesn't mean it's the right choice for Elena. Maybe it would be different if she'd met Damon first, but I kinda feel like he would've killed her pretty quick in that scenario. Or turned her.
Miss Katerina may have had the line of the night when she said, "True love is not real unless it is returned." True love is also not real if it comes without trust, without respect, and without honesty.
In conclusion: I still love Damon, but I feel like he's swan diving into rock bottom. I can only hope that he's able to find a way out of his downward spiral before he does something he'll really regret. I want him to realize that Elena loves Stefan and find something real for himself before he destroys all the relationships in his life. I want him and Stefan to be brothers again and stop letting tiny dark-haired women stand between them.
I want this show to run for about eight seasons because holy CRAP it makes me ramble and write. I may need to send the writers' room a muffin basket.
Also, if you haven't seen 2x19 "Klaus" then for the love of god, go watch it already! I'll wait. Are you back? Wasn't it AWESOME? Moving on!
Spoilers below, sweetie!
This isn't a recap or an analysis of the episode, but I have to start off with how excited I am that my season-long debate over how the hell an ancient Aztec curse could be triggered by a girl from Bulgaria has FINALLY been answered, thank God. I was really hoping that the show wasn't that dumb, or expected me to be that dumb. I was half expecting Cortes and his conquistadors to be involved, but luckily that's been averted.
I'm also not going to talk about Alaric's return, or how glad I am that next week he and Damon are at the bar in the Grille once again, just like old times. My ship lives! *hugs them*
Ahem. But this post is not about Damon and Alaric. It's mostly about Damon and Elena, and a bit about Damon and Andi, a relationship that is way too disturbing to be on a show meant for teenagers. Watching Damon treat her alternately like a child, a dog, a blowup doll and a chew toy made me want to heave. And I bet the fangirls will focus more on Damon's tears and desperation in that final scene than on the fact that while Andi claimed to want to be there, he had compelled her to have no fear. Andi's not capable of informed consent anymore.
There's an incredible graphic novel series called "Locke & Key" that deals with a series of magical keys that each have different powers. One of them, the Head Key, can be used to open your head to add or remove things. One of the characters, a teenaged girl, is tired of being depressed and scared, so she uses the key to open her head and pull out her fear. She's much happier after that, but she's also reckless. In one great scene we see her move to kiss a boy she likes for the first time while in the foreground we see the personification of her fear, trapped inside a glass jar, beating its tiny fists furiously against the side, screaming, "Don't trust him! He's dangerous! Run away!"
Fear is a healthy emotion to have, especially when there are predators in your midst. It alerts us to danger, initiates the fight or flight response, tells us to be on our guard and wary.
When Damon tells Andi, "Don't be afraid," he takes that away from her. Even when Damon tells her to run, she doesn't understand why she should, because she can't remember how to be afraid for her life. She knows that she cares about Damon and that he's hurting, but she can't recognize the danger he poses, even after he attacks her, because of what he's taken from her.
Frankly, it's incredibly disturbing, and the whole thing makes me really, really uncomfortable. Damon, you make it really hard to love you when you treat people like that.
While I agree that Damon needs somebody in his life to care about him, somebody to hold his hand and say, "Damon, I will always choose you," he also needs somebody strong enough to smack him down when needs it. He needs somebody who won't take his crap. He needs someone who will demand to be treated like an equal, because that's how real relationships work. I've written at length about the balance of power before, and I continue to believe that relationships can't work, in reality or in fiction, unless both people involved respect and trust their other half and treat them as an equal partner.
The truth is, I question whether Damon loves Elena at all. Does he even know her? Does he know she wanted to be a writer before her mom died? Does he know that she can't cook? Or about her preference for Austen books?
No. Those are things that Stefan knows, because he knows her. Stefan listens to her, values her opinion, and treats her like a grown-up, even though they've got a 150-year age gap, and it might be a bit understandable for him to be condescending from to time.
I know that when Stefan looks at Elena he sees the smart, determined woman he loves. He knows she's not Katherine. I'm sure of that.
I'm not sure what Damon sees when he looks at Elena. A softer version of Katherine? A prize to steal away from his brother? His salvation?
After Damon's little speech to Elena in 2x08 "Rose" about how he loves her, but doesn't deserve her, I saw quite a few Damon/Elena fangirls making "Damon deserves Elena" their rallying cry. No, guys, it doesn't work that way. Does Damon deserve to be loved? Of course. Does he deserve to have somebody love him the way Elena loves Stefan? Of course. But claiming that Damon deserves Elena objectifies her, makes her into something Damon could have if he was good enough, which is wrong. Elena's a person, not a brass ring.
The differences between the brothers were only highlighted in "Klaus" after Elena made the move to resurrect Elijah. Elena knew that she was out of options and Klaus was moving in for the kill, so she went to the person she knew could help her. She knew that without another hand to play, it would fall to Bonnie to save the day and Elena wasn't about to let her best friend die. Wakey-wakey, Elijah.
Naturally, the boys figure out what she's done and Stefan calls her. Watch how they talk like grown-ups!
Stefan: "You can't do this alone."
Elena: "It's my decision, Stefan, please respect it."
And then he does! Stefan even says, "If anyone can get him to help us kill Klaus, it's her."
He doesn't like her plan. It's possible that he thinks it's entirely too risky. Because he loves her, Stefan would rather put himself at risk instead of Elena, and having her running around with an Original is probably making him nuts. But Stefan trusts that Elena is intelligent and capable of handling herself. He trusts her. So he backs her play. This plan may go to hell in a handbasket and get them all killed, but since it's primarily Elena's head on the chopping block, when she asks Stefan for his trust, he gives it. Not blindly, but willingly.
What does Damon do? The exact opposite. He wants to rush out and stop Elena, drag her back to the safety of the boardinghouse. When she comes back to look after Jenna, he wants to physically restrain her. He talks down to her and calls her stupid. When he and Stefan come to blows later on Damon refers to "going after what [he] really want[s]." Not only is that entirely dismissive of Andi as a "distraction" (and how much do I love Stefan for calling Damon on that bullshit? High five, Stefan) but it again objectifies Elena as a thing without choices, rather than a whole person.
The line that got all the Damon/Elena shippers swooning last week boggled me. For context, I'll include the whole conversation:
Elena: Let's get one thing straight, Damon. Bonnie will not die for me. I will not let that happen.
Damon: We need to kill Klaus, Elena. Real Klaus, who will probably be coming to pay you a visit soon now that he knows that Bonnie's dead. She's the only one who can do it.
Elena: We'll find another way.
Damon: I hope so.
Elena: Look, I shouldn't have hit you.
Damon: Apology accepted. Let me be clear about something. If it comes down to you and the witch again, I will gladly let Bonnie die. I will always choose you.
What he's saying here is not "Elena, I will always choose you over everyone else, you're the only girl in the world for me."
What he's saying is "Elena, even though you have repeatedly demonstrated almost Winchester-like martyr tendencies, and you just said that you would rather die than let Bonnie die protecting you, I would willingly stand aside while Klaus kills everyone you love if means you won't die."
Um, how is that romantic? Love sacrifices, it doesn't demand sacrifice from others.
But really, everything boils down to the four words Elena said in "Founder's Day": "I love you, Stefan."
She has never given any implication that she would be interested in dumping Stefan for Damon. Oh she's attracted to Damon, that's obvious (the woman has EYES, doesn't she?), and she tries really hard to care about him (even after he snaps her brother's neck), but she loves Stefan. If she was going to swap brothers she would have done it in "Bloodlines" after she found out about Katherine and Damon rescued her from the car. She was pissed at Stefan and Damon was behaving like a decent human being for five minutes. But she didn't. She went back to Stefan, they talked it out, and we all rolled on.
I just cannot believe the mass of shippers who really feel like Damon/Elena is going to happen. If it did, would you have any respect left for Elena? Wouldn't doing that make her a terrible person? And just because YOU would rather hook up with Damon doesn't mean it's the right choice for Elena. Maybe it would be different if she'd met Damon first, but I kinda feel like he would've killed her pretty quick in that scenario. Or turned her.
Miss Katerina may have had the line of the night when she said, "True love is not real unless it is returned." True love is also not real if it comes without trust, without respect, and without honesty.
In conclusion: I still love Damon, but I feel like he's swan diving into rock bottom. I can only hope that he's able to find a way out of his downward spiral before he does something he'll really regret. I want him to realize that Elena loves Stefan and find something real for himself before he destroys all the relationships in his life. I want him and Stefan to be brothers again and stop letting tiny dark-haired women stand between them.
I want this show to run for about eight seasons because holy CRAP it makes me ramble and write. I may need to send the writers' room a muffin basket.