On Akiha, the Void in his heart and his Relationships.
So this is basically a bunch of essays I had been planning to write all mashed up into one. Yes, I am sucidal and masochist and crazy, LET ME BE.
...
Which is to say:
LONGEST MUTHAFUCKIN' ESSAY EVER CLICK AT YOUR OWN RISK K.
1.- Akiha and 'the void' in his heart.
In volume ten, when Mizuki and Ebi are at the coffeshop talking about why Akiha and Ebi divorced, the following exchange takes place:
Ebi: However... to Akiha, I'm not enough.
In Akiha's heart, a void has opened up.
Mizuki: Void...?
Ebi: It most probably has to do with all that's happened in his life, however, there's a part of him that can't trust people.
Akiha by nature, makes lots of acquaintances, but at the last leg, he has an unsurmountable barrier that can't be passed by anyone.
He himself has never realized this... Akiha respects me, and I love him very much.
But, in the end I still was unable to help him fill the void...
Then, later on, when Akiha kidnaps Mizuki for a day out, we learn about Akiha's emo past. I would like to take this moment to note that I had no idea this scene existed until a couple of months ago, when Umeda-mun got the English release and pointed it out to me. FAIL SCANLATORS, FAIL.
Akiha: I once wanted to start a fire.
When I was little.
Have you heard about this? My mother left my father and disappeared.
Before, everyone thought they were the perfect couple.
That night when she left, it was like any other day, she said she was going shopping, but..
Mizuki: And that's how your mother.. left?
Akiha: No, after several years, when I was around 10, I saw her again. I finally heard, that she'd already divorced him. I used up all my allowance to look for her at her new place.
But she locked up the door.
There was the sound of another man, and mother said to him, "never saw that kid before."
I felt really sad, hurt, when every house turned out their light, I found myself in the deepest pain.
(hahaha)
So I thought, that if I died, maybe my mother would take note.
Then Mizuki, being the awesome girlboy she is, butts his head and yells at him, she tells him that he's supposed to live a happier life than his mother so that he can take revenge and then Akiha laughs and comments that Mizuki is the second one to hit him after hearing that story and that most girls take pity on him (of course, the first one to hit him, was Ebi). After that, Akiha just shrugs the whole conversation off and tells Mizuki not to think too much about it because they're only words.
So basically, if I'm interpreting and linking these two conversations right (which I think I am), Akiha's 'void' can be attributed to the fact that his mother abandoned his father and him when he was still little. This is also the reason why he won't let himself trust people.
The way I see it, Akiha could never really get over the incident with his mother, mostly because after several years of trying to get in contact with her (and finally managing to do so), she simply denied all connections to him. To her own son. And this is also one of the main reasons why I played him all bitter and snarky-like when he deaged. Akiha does not trust people, partly because he expects they will betray him and partly because he is afraid of being abandoned again, of getting hurt.
Of course, I don't think this is something that affects him nowadays as much as it did back then. He got over the suicide thing and he managed to grow up to become a 'genki' successful man. However, as Ebi comments to Mizuki, this fear of being betrayed and left behind, is what prevents him from trusting people on a 100% level, even though he doesn't consciously realize it. And, as I mentioned in the random facts meme, this doesn't mean that he doesn't trust people. It's just that he won't open up to them completely. It's a defense mechanism.
2.- Akiha and his relationships with other people.
Akiha is a very extroverted person. I see him as the type who goes to super important parties and greets and chitchats with everyone and everyone loves him, because he's naturally charismatic. I think this has a lot to do with the fact that he is very adaptable, and more than imposing himself on other people, he lets them decide how their interaction/relationship will develop and he just follows along. (But Ame, you may be saying, what about Umeda? Well, Umeda and Akiha have known each other for over a decade now, their relationship wasn't always like this, and lulz, Akiha is in love with him. So there is a difference there.) But yes, Akiha's way of meeting people and making acquaintances is mostly related to how he will almost always talk about the things they want to talk and tell them the things they want to hear. Why yes, Akiha is a manipulative bastard.
This is what I would call... the fourth group. All of the people in this group, are people Akiha couldn't care less about and he only remains civil with them because these are the people that will give him jobs and buy his books and recommend him. Needless to say, this is the largest group.
Then we have the third group, this is conformed by the people he works with; the people at the studio, Sano, Nanba, and Nakatsu in canon; and the Host Club + other assorted acquaintances in camp. Akiha cares about them and will look out for them. These people are like his family, in a way, and he is very protective of them. Semi-close friends like Tsuzuki or Swift are also in this group.
Second group! The people he truly honestly cares about are in this one. Umeda, Ebi, Mizuki (though they aren't in camp D:), Kio, Himejima and Ayame. This is also known as the mafia group, because Akiha will seriously fuck your shit up if you mess with these people. He likes them, he trusts them a good 80%-90% and he will do anything for them. He is very likely to open up and be honest about a good deal of things with these people, and he will also act more like himself and less like what they 'expect' him to be.
And finally, the first group. NO ONE IS HERE LULZ TRUST ISSUES. :DDD Again, as mentioned in the random facts meme, even though Umeda could very well be the one to fill/heal/whathaveyou Akiha's 'void', he is not in this group simply because Akiha's feelings for him are not requited. There are many things Akiha keeps from Umeda for this reason, mostly because he doesn't want to trouble him, but also because he feels that if he lets him occupy this place in his heart, he will be abandoned again. And he doesn't want that.
Of course, this is all a subconscious process. It's not like Akiha goes around picking and sorting people. Also, people may 'go up' from one group to another very easily, but they would have to do something really horrible for him to... well, drop them off a certain group.
3.- Akiha on Umeda.
I can't help but feel that this is a topic I shouldn't even have to touch because I ramble about it all the time. But then I remember these are conversations that I tend to have with Umeda-mun and no one else, so here goes.
According to the manga and the interview on Nakajo's website, Akiha has been in love with Umeda since the highschool entrance ceremony, where he first caught his eye. We also know that it took Umeda a good while to actually notice Akiha, but that he has been chasing after the gay doctor for at least a decade now.
We don't really know how their first actual meeting was or how did they start going out together or anything, but I speculate that Akiha stalked lurked for a couple of years before first approaching him, and even then, I don't think he was very direct. Also, I don't think Umeda and Akiha's not-relationship got really serious (aka, fuckbuddies) until after his divorce. If only because Akiha is 25 in the series and he has already been divorced for a year, at least (which makes me think that Akiha graduated, started working, married Ebi and stayed like that for a year or two and then divorced at 24).
I am not going to deepen too much into the nature of their relationship because Umeda-mun has essayed about that before, but I would like to comment that, to Akiha, sex is a fundamental part of their relationship. No, really. In Akiha's brain, one of the few reasons why Umeda puts up with him, is because the sex is good and he likes it. This is one of the reasons why camp has fucked (lol pun) with them so much, because before camp they did hang around and had random dates here and there, but sex was an always thing no matter what. And now suddenly they're trapped in zombie camp from hell and THEY CAN'T HAVE SEX.
Also, I essayed about this before, but Akiha is not used to staying in the same place for so long. Canonly, he's constantly travelling and working and it's during his breaks/free days that he visits Umeda and drags him around to do stuff. Again, this is also deeply tied to how he is very not used to seeing Umeda flirting with other people and why it is so offputting to him at camp. Sure, he knows Umeda flirts with people and has random escapades and whathaveyou all the time, but seeing it happen right before his eyes is just... no. Because Umeda will actively flirt with any hot man that is not him and he will seduce the man in question and let himself be seduced and these are all things he never does with Akiha. So of course it makes him feel bad and insecure.
Now even though a small part of himself has already resigned to the idea that Umeda will never love him back and that he will eventually walk away, the thought still terrifies him. Akiha, much like Umeda, is absolutely accustomed to having constants in his life and Umeda, along with his work, is his biggest constant. Mountains may crumble and the ocean may dry, but Akiha will always love Sempai, no matter what. And thinking about how there will probably come a day when he turns around and Umeda will not be there anymore for him to pounce or annoy, well, worries him a lot. Not because of the years wasted, or anything like that, but because it will take him a good while to settle again and figure what to do with his life. Also, I think that one of the main reasons why Akiha keeps saying that he will "make Sempai love him" is to keep himself from giving up.
4.- Akiha on Ayame.
Now, this is funny. I remember it was a couple of months ago that I first had the realization that Ayame and Akiha were AU twins and went on IRC and poked Aaya-mun about it. "Hay, these two need to meet and bond over their unrequited love for grumpy ghei doctors," and they met, and much to our surprise, instead of repelling each other, they clicked liek whoa.
At first, Akiha saw Ayame as another random camper/counselor, one that was lots of fun and that he actually liked and had things in common with, but nothing really started developing until the Moon plot. Ayame and Akiha were both terrified of the moon and the end of everything and desperately clung to each other during those three days. It was then that Akiha started realizing that Ayame, like himself, had a mask on most of the time and they had more in common than what he had thought at first.
Then CFUW happened and Umeda and Ayame met and flirted for great Sexy Points justice. I remember being very amused at the fact that Akiha DID NOT SEEM TO MIND THE SHAMELESS FLIRTING and on a certain level, he even ENCOURAGED it. I talked about it with the muns and we figured it was probably because Akiha saw Aaya as an equal and he trusted him not to "steal Sempai away from him." Also, because it was lots of fun see Umeda fume and have tiny jealousy fits when the roles were inverted, BUT ANYWAY.
It was only until a few days ago that I realized that, lol. Akiha has a BIIIIIG crush on Ayame. He's had it since that CFUW game and it never really got the chance to come into play because Akiha himself hasn't realized this. I would also like to point out that now, with the whole Ayame-losing-his-heart mess and "oh hay, sit on his lap, won't you?" and all that stuff, Akiha is sort of uneasy and awkward and he's starting to note little things. Fortunately (or not), right now he's more worried about Ayame getting back to normal than anything else, so we'll see how that develops.
Anyway. This may seem random and even sort of stupid, because Ayame and Akiha have SO MANY THINGS IN COMMON that it's almost like being in love with the mirror, but for all we joke about it, I think it's actually more than that.
Ayame, first than anything, is really damn hot. He's one of the few people in camp that's his age/older than him and he's the best playmate he's ever had. Ayame will go along with any of Akiha's crazy ideas and viceversa, this is something he had never shared with anyone before and he just loves it. Also, like I mentioned before, Akiha knows Ayame has things he's hiding and he doesn't mind, because he has lots of them himself... and the thing is, they have a sort of silent mutual understandment about this. They have never had a real serious conversation about their emo backstories, but Akiha, at least, knows it's there and that Ayame will tell him about it when he feels like it.
And if he doesn't? It's okay. Because sometimes there are things that people don't want to talk about.
Now, I honestly don't know how Akiha (or I) is going to handle this when/if he realizes he likes Ayame more than a friend, but I figure he won't do much about it, because he knows Ayame has a special person too and he wouldn't like to interfere. Also, because he can't see himself giving up on Umeda for someone else, because it's been tried before (with Ebi) and it didn't work.
...
Also, because Akiha doesn't want to end up hurt again. He's afraid of falling in love with someone else because it will be a whole new experience he may not be ready for. Again, he tried it with Ebi and it didn't work and Akiha doesn't want more tears to be shed on any side. I think this is where his defense mechanism kicks in again and... sort of 'caps' his feelings for people. He himself won't allow anyone else to make his way into his heart, because that's dangerous and it's a risk he doesn't feel like taking.
Except, Ayame's already started to make his way in there, so. Lol.
Anyway, we'll see how stuff develops and... yeah. I'll probably end up writing more in the future. I'LL SHUT UP NOW, LONGEST ESSAY IN THE HISTORY OF EVER ARGH, COOKIES IF YOU MADE IT THROUGH THE END.
...
Which is to say:
LONGEST MUTHAFUCKIN' ESSAY EVER CLICK AT YOUR OWN RISK K.
1.- Akiha and 'the void' in his heart.
In volume ten, when Mizuki and Ebi are at the coffeshop talking about why Akiha and Ebi divorced, the following exchange takes place:
Ebi: However... to Akiha, I'm not enough.
In Akiha's heart, a void has opened up.
Mizuki: Void...?
Ebi: It most probably has to do with all that's happened in his life, however, there's a part of him that can't trust people.
Akiha by nature, makes lots of acquaintances, but at the last leg, he has an unsurmountable barrier that can't be passed by anyone.
He himself has never realized this... Akiha respects me, and I love him very much.
But, in the end I still was unable to help him fill the void...
Then, later on, when Akiha kidnaps Mizuki for a day out, we learn about Akiha's emo past. I would like to take this moment to note that I had no idea this scene existed until a couple of months ago, when Umeda-mun got the English release and pointed it out to me. FAIL SCANLATORS, FAIL.
Akiha: I once wanted to start a fire.
When I was little.
Have you heard about this? My mother left my father and disappeared.
Before, everyone thought they were the perfect couple.
That night when she left, it was like any other day, she said she was going shopping, but..
Mizuki: And that's how your mother.. left?
Akiha: No, after several years, when I was around 10, I saw her again. I finally heard, that she'd already divorced him. I used up all my allowance to look for her at her new place.
But she locked up the door.
There was the sound of another man, and mother said to him, "never saw that kid before."
I felt really sad, hurt, when every house turned out their light, I found myself in the deepest pain.
(hahaha)
So I thought, that if I died, maybe my mother would take note.
Then Mizuki, being the awesome girlboy she is, butts his head and yells at him, she tells him that he's supposed to live a happier life than his mother so that he can take revenge and then Akiha laughs and comments that Mizuki is the second one to hit him after hearing that story and that most girls take pity on him (of course, the first one to hit him, was Ebi). After that, Akiha just shrugs the whole conversation off and tells Mizuki not to think too much about it because they're only words.
So basically, if I'm interpreting and linking these two conversations right (which I think I am), Akiha's 'void' can be attributed to the fact that his mother abandoned his father and him when he was still little. This is also the reason why he won't let himself trust people.
The way I see it, Akiha could never really get over the incident with his mother, mostly because after several years of trying to get in contact with her (and finally managing to do so), she simply denied all connections to him. To her own son. And this is also one of the main reasons why I played him all bitter and snarky-like when he deaged. Akiha does not trust people, partly because he expects they will betray him and partly because he is afraid of being abandoned again, of getting hurt.
Of course, I don't think this is something that affects him nowadays as much as it did back then. He got over the suicide thing and he managed to grow up to become a 'genki' successful man. However, as Ebi comments to Mizuki, this fear of being betrayed and left behind, is what prevents him from trusting people on a 100% level, even though he doesn't consciously realize it. And, as I mentioned in the random facts meme, this doesn't mean that he doesn't trust people. It's just that he won't open up to them completely. It's a defense mechanism.
2.- Akiha and his relationships with other people.
Akiha is a very extroverted person. I see him as the type who goes to super important parties and greets and chitchats with everyone and everyone loves him, because he's naturally charismatic. I think this has a lot to do with the fact that he is very adaptable, and more than imposing himself on other people, he lets them decide how their interaction/relationship will develop and he just follows along. (But Ame, you may be saying, what about Umeda? Well, Umeda and Akiha have known each other for over a decade now, their relationship wasn't always like this, and lulz, Akiha is in love with him. So there is a difference there.) But yes, Akiha's way of meeting people and making acquaintances is mostly related to how he will almost always talk about the things they want to talk and tell them the things they want to hear. Why yes, Akiha is a manipulative bastard.
This is what I would call... the fourth group. All of the people in this group, are people Akiha couldn't care less about and he only remains civil with them because these are the people that will give him jobs and buy his books and recommend him. Needless to say, this is the largest group.
Then we have the third group, this is conformed by the people he works with; the people at the studio, Sano, Nanba, and Nakatsu in canon; and the Host Club + other assorted acquaintances in camp. Akiha cares about them and will look out for them. These people are like his family, in a way, and he is very protective of them. Semi-close friends like Tsuzuki or Swift are also in this group.
Second group! The people he truly honestly cares about are in this one. Umeda, Ebi, Mizuki (though they aren't in camp D:), Kio, Himejima and Ayame. This is also known as the mafia group, because Akiha will seriously fuck your shit up if you mess with these people. He likes them, he trusts them a good 80%-90% and he will do anything for them. He is very likely to open up and be honest about a good deal of things with these people, and he will also act more like himself and less like what they 'expect' him to be.
And finally, the first group. NO ONE IS HERE LULZ TRUST ISSUES. :DDD Again, as mentioned in the random facts meme, even though Umeda could very well be the one to fill/heal/whathaveyou Akiha's 'void', he is not in this group simply because Akiha's feelings for him are not requited. There are many things Akiha keeps from Umeda for this reason, mostly because he doesn't want to trouble him, but also because he feels that if he lets him occupy this place in his heart, he will be abandoned again. And he doesn't want that.
Of course, this is all a subconscious process. It's not like Akiha goes around picking and sorting people. Also, people may 'go up' from one group to another very easily, but they would have to do something really horrible for him to... well, drop them off a certain group.
3.- Akiha on Umeda.
I can't help but feel that this is a topic I shouldn't even have to touch because I ramble about it all the time. But then I remember these are conversations that I tend to have with Umeda-mun and no one else, so here goes.
According to the manga and the interview on Nakajo's website, Akiha has been in love with Umeda since the highschool entrance ceremony, where he first caught his eye. We also know that it took Umeda a good while to actually notice Akiha, but that he has been chasing after the gay doctor for at least a decade now.
We don't really know how their first actual meeting was or how did they start going out together or anything, but I speculate that Akiha stalked lurked for a couple of years before first approaching him, and even then, I don't think he was very direct. Also, I don't think Umeda and Akiha's not-relationship got really serious (aka, fuckbuddies) until after his divorce. If only because Akiha is 25 in the series and he has already been divorced for a year, at least (which makes me think that Akiha graduated, started working, married Ebi and stayed like that for a year or two and then divorced at 24).
I am not going to deepen too much into the nature of their relationship because Umeda-mun has essayed about that before, but I would like to comment that, to Akiha, sex is a fundamental part of their relationship. No, really. In Akiha's brain, one of the few reasons why Umeda puts up with him, is because the sex is good and he likes it. This is one of the reasons why camp has fucked (lol pun) with them so much, because before camp they did hang around and had random dates here and there, but sex was an always thing no matter what. And now suddenly they're trapped in zombie camp from hell and THEY CAN'T HAVE SEX.
Also, I essayed about this before, but Akiha is not used to staying in the same place for so long. Canonly, he's constantly travelling and working and it's during his breaks/free days that he visits Umeda and drags him around to do stuff. Again, this is also deeply tied to how he is very not used to seeing Umeda flirting with other people and why it is so offputting to him at camp. Sure, he knows Umeda flirts with people and has random escapades and whathaveyou all the time, but seeing it happen right before his eyes is just... no. Because Umeda will actively flirt with any hot man that is not him and he will seduce the man in question and let himself be seduced and these are all things he never does with Akiha. So of course it makes him feel bad and insecure.
Now even though a small part of himself has already resigned to the idea that Umeda will never love him back and that he will eventually walk away, the thought still terrifies him. Akiha, much like Umeda, is absolutely accustomed to having constants in his life and Umeda, along with his work, is his biggest constant. Mountains may crumble and the ocean may dry, but Akiha will always love Sempai, no matter what. And thinking about how there will probably come a day when he turns around and Umeda will not be there anymore for him to pounce or annoy, well, worries him a lot. Not because of the years wasted, or anything like that, but because it will take him a good while to settle again and figure what to do with his life. Also, I think that one of the main reasons why Akiha keeps saying that he will "make Sempai love him" is to keep himself from giving up.
4.- Akiha on Ayame.
Now, this is funny. I remember it was a couple of months ago that I first had the realization that Ayame and Akiha were AU twins and went on IRC and poked Aaya-mun about it. "Hay, these two need to meet and bond over their unrequited love for grumpy ghei doctors," and they met, and much to our surprise, instead of repelling each other, they clicked liek whoa.
At first, Akiha saw Ayame as another random camper/counselor, one that was lots of fun and that he actually liked and had things in common with, but nothing really started developing until the Moon plot. Ayame and Akiha were both terrified of the moon and the end of everything and desperately clung to each other during those three days. It was then that Akiha started realizing that Ayame, like himself, had a mask on most of the time and they had more in common than what he had thought at first.
Then CFUW happened and Umeda and Ayame met and flirted for great Sexy Points justice. I remember being very amused at the fact that Akiha DID NOT SEEM TO MIND THE SHAMELESS FLIRTING and on a certain level, he even ENCOURAGED it. I talked about it with the muns and we figured it was probably because Akiha saw Aaya as an equal and he trusted him not to "steal Sempai away from him." Also, because it was lots of fun see Umeda fume and have tiny jealousy fits when the roles were inverted, BUT ANYWAY.
It was only until a few days ago that I realized that, lol. Akiha has a BIIIIIG crush on Ayame. He's had it since that CFUW game and it never really got the chance to come into play because Akiha himself hasn't realized this. I would also like to point out that now, with the whole Ayame-losing-his-heart mess and "oh hay, sit on his lap, won't you?" and all that stuff, Akiha is sort of uneasy and awkward and he's starting to note little things. Fortunately (or not), right now he's more worried about Ayame getting back to normal than anything else, so we'll see how that develops.
Anyway. This may seem random and even sort of stupid, because Ayame and Akiha have SO MANY THINGS IN COMMON that it's almost like being in love with the mirror, but for all we joke about it, I think it's actually more than that.
Ayame, first than anything, is really damn hot. He's one of the few people in camp that's his age/older than him and he's the best playmate he's ever had. Ayame will go along with any of Akiha's crazy ideas and viceversa, this is something he had never shared with anyone before and he just loves it. Also, like I mentioned before, Akiha knows Ayame has things he's hiding and he doesn't mind, because he has lots of them himself... and the thing is, they have a sort of silent mutual understandment about this. They have never had a real serious conversation about their emo backstories, but Akiha, at least, knows it's there and that Ayame will tell him about it when he feels like it.
And if he doesn't? It's okay. Because sometimes there are things that people don't want to talk about.
Now, I honestly don't know how Akiha (or I) is going to handle this when/if he realizes he likes Ayame more than a friend, but I figure he won't do much about it, because he knows Ayame has a special person too and he wouldn't like to interfere. Also, because he can't see himself giving up on Umeda for someone else, because it's been tried before (with Ebi) and it didn't work.
...
Also, because Akiha doesn't want to end up hurt again. He's afraid of falling in love with someone else because it will be a whole new experience he may not be ready for. Again, he tried it with Ebi and it didn't work and Akiha doesn't want more tears to be shed on any side. I think this is where his defense mechanism kicks in again and... sort of 'caps' his feelings for people. He himself won't allow anyone else to make his way into his heart, because that's dangerous and it's a risk he doesn't feel like taking.
Except, Ayame's already started to make his way in there, so. Lol.
Anyway, we'll see how stuff develops and... yeah. I'll probably end up writing more in the future. I'LL SHUT UP NOW, LONGEST ESSAY IN THE HISTORY OF EVER ARGH, COOKIES IF YOU MADE IT THROUGH THE END.