im a mess...i guess...
my life:
pretty much, im content. content is a hard word for me to use... because always, i feel as though something could be better, and im never TRUELY content. thats something i should work on, but really i dont know if its possible to fix. i want to start focusing out on the things that DON'T matter, that none-the-less get me down.
but its been sad. i had to finally realize that the seniors really are leaving. its something i dont want to deal with, and i think when school starts, its going to hit me a lot harder, when i dont see them everyday. i had to say goodbye to andy owens, and it broke my heart. i know he's coming back in two weeks, but it's still hard. he was one of my best friends, and just reciently did i start to feel we were friends again, and now he's gone, gone from being someone i can access to hang out with, to see. when i went to lilly's movie night, and i told katie ropp goodbye and she said "hug me because this is probably going to be the last time i ever see you" it sunk in. these people i know, and came to love, are gone.
but i finally got to talk to damek today. it's sad, because he said the soonest he could come back [for good] would be february. im selfish, and i want him back now. it hurts to think about, but i want to come to grips with the emotional pain of loosing people, so i can slowly try and make it fade. its not fading so far... its just as vivid... but i want time to help me heal these wounds. its the only thing i know that can. i hope in september i can see him... i've been holding everything in... i dont know if anyone really knows how badly things can hurt me, but somethings have just been killing me inside lately. i feel often as though i dont matter. i dont know why i cant change this mentality, i know its stupid and immature, but it wont change. and i want it to more than anything.
i think this is enough for tonight.
<3shannon