(no subject)
It's been four weeks since I last updated and it's been another month more than that since I last updated for real. I miss my livejournal strangely but although I vow to update daily I know I will always fall short and I will always procrastinate. It's my nature and it's actually becoming obscene. I procrastinated writing letters to all of my friends at camp and now they're coming home upset with me because I didn't care enough to write/write back. I'm not being such a great friend this summer. I've gotten closer with my computer and have let certain friends slip away from my grasp. No, I don't actually keep them in captivity "grasp" implies sometimes I just feel like the drifting isn't completely natural and maybe intentional on their part? Paranoid much? Ugh. I don't really know what to write here because no one really wants to hear what I did this summer because it could easily surpass a period of block World History in its sheer boring-osity. And no one really wants to hear me bitch about how inadequate I feel. But since when did it matter what other people want to read? If you don't want to hear about the aforementioned happenings in my life, assuming you've already made it this far, stop reading because a disastrophe of Michael's most bizarre and borderline-emo thoughts are ready to be unleashed. This ain't gonna be pretty.
This summer. Well, where do I begin? I have accomplished nothing that I said I would. I always go into summer with perfectly attainable goals and normal standards but after a week I sink into this gloomy schedule of staying up until 4 in the morning and waking up at 2 in the afternoon. If I don't have someone else dragging me here and there and forcing me to be active I get into this "there's always tomorrow" mentality that continues day after day until the summer has passed. The goals I set were simple and yet I feel like I'm no healthier, I look no different than i did and I haven't educated myself in any of the ways I planned to. I know that those sound like some boring goals but they actually mean a lot to me. I want to be intelligent and I want to be attractive and I'm the same weight as i was before and I can't decline a single latin noun nor can i properly grow a bonsai tree or discuss Plato's theories of love. I hate mediocrity and feel like because of my lazy mentality I have been sentenced to life as a nobody. I don't want to be one of those people who goes by un-noticed and un-loved. Gosh. I'm so dramatic! Scratch that, I'm paranoid. I live in constant fear of things that don't exist but inevitably dangle in my self-conscious. Fuck. I'm a basket-case. I'm going back to my therapist. I'm running back to my therapist. Right now I'm fearing I don't end up like my dad, another paranoid thought. but I think that maybe a therapist will tell me I'm depressed like my daddy and my mommy. "Dear, if you should feel my gloom blame it on me. Blame it on your dad-a-lee and mam-a-lee, 'cause depression runs in our family." Sorry. Had to say it.
This summer might be a god learning experiene. It definitely goes down as an example of what not to repeat. If I do stream of consciousness as I just did starting with the idea of summer and end up with my potential depression there's definitely something wrong. Definitely.
Okay. I also have another thing to say (clearly I'm a kid with lots to say and that's no surprise). I want to be a good friend again. I fucked up this summer. I became dependent on artificial items for amusement and lost sight of the joy I get from being on the phone with Melanie, Todd, Tess, Maddy and the joy i get from lazy days at Alex's house and trips into the city with Ali. And yet, i feel like this post would be incomplete without the mention of a certain individual I met while enjoying the company of the glaring screen of my computer and that's Sunday. I think she's the one good thing, make that AMAZING thing that came from my addiction. I love you, m'dear and i don't know if you know the extent of my love but know it stretches to no end. And Melanie, Todd, Maddy and Tess and all I love you too and I tell you that every second I can or i try to and i want to and I miss you and I'm back.
That's right. I'm back if you'll have me. and if you will not have me, I'm back regardless. Live with it.
I'm back! hear me roar!
Love and kisses, Michael.
This summer. Well, where do I begin? I have accomplished nothing that I said I would. I always go into summer with perfectly attainable goals and normal standards but after a week I sink into this gloomy schedule of staying up until 4 in the morning and waking up at 2 in the afternoon. If I don't have someone else dragging me here and there and forcing me to be active I get into this "there's always tomorrow" mentality that continues day after day until the summer has passed. The goals I set were simple and yet I feel like I'm no healthier, I look no different than i did and I haven't educated myself in any of the ways I planned to. I know that those sound like some boring goals but they actually mean a lot to me. I want to be intelligent and I want to be attractive and I'm the same weight as i was before and I can't decline a single latin noun nor can i properly grow a bonsai tree or discuss Plato's theories of love. I hate mediocrity and feel like because of my lazy mentality I have been sentenced to life as a nobody. I don't want to be one of those people who goes by un-noticed and un-loved. Gosh. I'm so dramatic! Scratch that, I'm paranoid. I live in constant fear of things that don't exist but inevitably dangle in my self-conscious. Fuck. I'm a basket-case. I'm going back to my therapist. I'm running back to my therapist. Right now I'm fearing I don't end up like my dad, another paranoid thought. but I think that maybe a therapist will tell me I'm depressed like my daddy and my mommy. "Dear, if you should feel my gloom blame it on me. Blame it on your dad-a-lee and mam-a-lee, 'cause depression runs in our family." Sorry. Had to say it.
This summer might be a god learning experiene. It definitely goes down as an example of what not to repeat. If I do stream of consciousness as I just did starting with the idea of summer and end up with my potential depression there's definitely something wrong. Definitely.
Okay. I also have another thing to say (clearly I'm a kid with lots to say and that's no surprise). I want to be a good friend again. I fucked up this summer. I became dependent on artificial items for amusement and lost sight of the joy I get from being on the phone with Melanie, Todd, Tess, Maddy and the joy i get from lazy days at Alex's house and trips into the city with Ali. And yet, i feel like this post would be incomplete without the mention of a certain individual I met while enjoying the company of the glaring screen of my computer and that's Sunday. I think she's the one good thing, make that AMAZING thing that came from my addiction. I love you, m'dear and i don't know if you know the extent of my love but know it stretches to no end. And Melanie, Todd, Maddy and Tess and all I love you too and I tell you that every second I can or i try to and i want to and I miss you and I'm back.
That's right. I'm back if you'll have me. and if you will not have me, I'm back regardless. Live with it.
I'm back! hear me roar!
Love and kisses, Michael.