Mayish, 2013
I don't even know.
Sam, I never stop being scared here. But, Dad said it was okay to be scared, remember? I know it's a good thing. I'm tryin to hold onto that. It's easier than other times when I can hear them in the other room and they're flaying the guy or the thing or whatever next to me and all I can think about is how I'm glad it's not me. I don't think I've quit caring for other people whatever they are. I don't know. I'm just glad to have a break. To grow back. I can't write to you unless I have my arm, at least, you know. That's a joke. Sort of. I think. At first, it hurt more to grow back, but it doesn't now. That's good, too, right? That's funny because I thought it would be the other way around. I really hope this is a healthy fear. Sucks otherwise.
Day 1,838.
Hey Sam, when you're getting your skin flayed off, after about 5 years it starts to feel like a chemical peel or a bad sunburn. I don't know if it's real because I don't know if my body's actually here or somewhere else, but it sure feels real and it's not what I expected. They give me too much time to think here and if I'm not let down soon, I'll go more stark raving looney than a barrel of monkeys on acid. They have books here. I've never wanted to read one and get out of my own head so damn bad in my whole life. If that's what this is.
I'm not sure how high up I am here. It's a room. I have walls and stuff and actually, it looks like the inside of that castle in Sleeping Beauty where the towers go down forever and there's no in or out. Do you remember that? There's things growing out of the walls and there is a window on the opposite wall from the door. It doesn't have bars, but that's only 'cause everybody knows there's nowhere to go. I am not proud when I say that I'm one of the ones who can tell that story from experience. I'm learning how things work. Don't worry, I'll use it against them. I'm still thinking how. Hopefully, by writing you, somehow we're getting ahead of the game. You were always almost as smart as me, Sam, and we could figure it out together.
You must be 30 or 31 now. Bobby was 50-something when I, as near as I can remember. If you make it there, I'll be real proud of you. It will be worth it. I keep hoping you're okay. You can get used to almost anything.
These might get shorter. What they gave me to write with, it might not last at this pace and I'm not sure they'll give me more.
-Dean
Sam, I never stop being scared here. But, Dad said it was okay to be scared, remember? I know it's a good thing. I'm tryin to hold onto that. It's easier than other times when I can hear them in the other room and they're flaying the guy or the thing or whatever next to me and all I can think about is how I'm glad it's not me. I don't think I've quit caring for other people whatever they are. I don't know. I'm just glad to have a break. To grow back. I can't write to you unless I have my arm, at least, you know. That's a joke. Sort of. I think. At first, it hurt more to grow back, but it doesn't now. That's good, too, right? That's funny because I thought it would be the other way around. I really hope this is a healthy fear. Sucks otherwise.
Day 1,838.
Hey Sam, when you're getting your skin flayed off, after about 5 years it starts to feel like a chemical peel or a bad sunburn. I don't know if it's real because I don't know if my body's actually here or somewhere else, but it sure feels real and it's not what I expected. They give me too much time to think here and if I'm not let down soon, I'll go more stark raving looney than a barrel of monkeys on acid. They have books here. I've never wanted to read one and get out of my own head so damn bad in my whole life. If that's what this is.
I'm not sure how high up I am here. It's a room. I have walls and stuff and actually, it looks like the inside of that castle in Sleeping Beauty where the towers go down forever and there's no in or out. Do you remember that? There's things growing out of the walls and there is a window on the opposite wall from the door. It doesn't have bars, but that's only 'cause everybody knows there's nowhere to go. I am not proud when I say that I'm one of the ones who can tell that story from experience. I'm learning how things work. Don't worry, I'll use it against them. I'm still thinking how. Hopefully, by writing you, somehow we're getting ahead of the game. You were always almost as smart as me, Sam, and we could figure it out together.
You must be 30 or 31 now. Bobby was 50-something when I, as near as I can remember. If you make it there, I'll be real proud of you. It will be worth it. I keep hoping you're okay. You can get used to almost anything.
These might get shorter. What they gave me to write with, it might not last at this pace and I'm not sure they'll give me more.
-Dean