Summer and Sunday
I nix the last statement, as it like most livejournal declarations was too rash. But summer is complicated. It always is for me. It's not bad. It's just lazy even if I'm busy and lonely even if I'm surrounded by people. I guess I'm just not used to truly having my evenings and weekends, and as much as it's nice to have them, it's also a little weird. With so much time, I feel like I should accomplish so much, which I usually don't. I'm doing more productive things than normal. Daily reading, German studying, and screenprinting have kept me at least with a vague sense of self-efficacy. But I still have a lot of time to loaf about and dwell on what I should be doing. The lack of summer weather around here for most of the last few weeks has been particularly draining, as it has limited activities to the indoors. But the weather seems to be looking up and hopefully with it the days too will be smoother. Still, I wish there were more friend-friends around here this summer. But the ever-funny thing about summer is, the moment that I figure out what I wish were different about a place or begin to get my groove or even begin to hate it, I become aware that I'll be leaving soon. I leave in only three weeks for Middlebury. That's so short, really. I'm beginning to develop more acute fears regarding that, and I'm sure they'll settle in heavily soon. But for right now I'm stuck in the weird phase of only vague cognizance of the end of this phase and the beginning of the next. But that is summer for me. It's always compartmentalized into phases, and I'm always overly conscious of the status of my timeline in that phase and the next looms obscured but present in the background. Living in the moment is rarely an aspect of summer for me. I'm preparing for the next phase or for the semester to begin again. Once it's July I won't even be able to enjoy summer as summer anymore. It's like Sunday. I've never seen Sunday as part of the weekend, as I'm already too aware of the impending end of the weekend to ever enjoy it. It's not Sunday. It's the day before Monday. And my whole body knows it. My chest always feels vaguely tight on Sundays. My chest feels tight now, but I don't know if it's because it's Sunday or because July and the next phase are only three weeks away.