Return of the Long Updates......
It's been a very long time since I have bared my soul. I used to do this every time that my soul or heart cried. And I will be the first to admit that was a lot, wasn't it. I'm a needy person and one thing I have ever wanted was to be in love and be loved in return. Look how far I have come since where I started. Look at all the loves I have had. Would I take back every one of those heartbreaks? No.
My first love.....Tyler. You know I was childish and petty. I was wrong and I drove him away. I see it now. I wish that I could have just been happy with his friendship and not pushed it. I should have just taken what I was given. Yes, I'm just probably looking at things through rose-colored glasses but in hindsight, I shouldn't have fought it. I should have let him do as he wished and moved on. He wasn't mine to win and there was no point in fighting for someone that didn't want to be mine. Sorry for all the pain I have caused. This was a lesson I needed to learn but it cost me more than I will every now.
My last love.....Chad. They say you always remember your first love, but for me, my first marriage or attempt of marriage will remain with me. I wouldn't say it haunts me but it's still with me. I was in love. Hell, I'm probably still in love. People drift apart for no reason. Sometimes no matter how hard you try it just can't work. There comes a time were I need to let go and just face that it's over. It's been over. There is nothing to hold on to. There is nothing to lead me to believe that I have anything left to be saved.
After all this time, I must just let go for good and walk on my own. Just move on and not look back. Not wonder what I did wrong and question if I could have changed things. It's time to fact the fact that maybe it wasn't what I did but perhaps it's fate's way of telling me it wasn't meant to be.
Time to just face that some things aren't meant to be. Some people aren't meant to be the one for some people right now. The time hasn't come for some. Or in other cases it has past and you can't really ever get it back.
I throw around my love way too much and now I have to choose carefully who gets it now. I won't guide my heart as I did but I won't freely give it to any who asks for it. I was foolish to expect a happiness I only dreamt of to just falling to my lap. I try to hard and I need to stop trying. I have had a very long line of failed romances and I don't want to add to them...... Elijah, Josh H., Jacob, Tom, Jake G..... I need to stop this cycle.
I'm still learning. I maybe a Harvard Grad, but that doesn't be that I have stopped learning. I still have my flaws and my imperfections. I have my strengths and my weaknesses. I have my ups and downs. I am human and I make mistakes as everyone.
My heart cries and my soul aches. That is me and that will never change. I look back at how much or little one simple young lady can change in 1 1/2 years.
notice me
take my hand
why are we
strangers when
our love is strong
why carry on without me
everytime i try to fly
i fall without my wings
i feel so small i guess
i need you baby
and everytime i see you
in my dreams i see your
face it's haunting me
i guess i need you baby
i make believe
that you are here
it's the only way
i see clear
what have i done
you seem to move on easy
everytime i try to fly
i fall without my wings
i feel so small i guess
i need you baby
and everytime i see you
in my dreams i see your
face your haunting me
i guess i need you baby
i may have made it rain
please forgive me
my weakness caused you pain
and this song's my sorry
at night i pray that soon
your face will fade away
everytime i try to fly
i fall without my wings
i feel so small i guess
i need you baby
and everytime i see you
in my dreams i see your
face your haunting me
i guess i need you baby
Back to the old days. I miss those days. I miss Lance. I miss Boner. I miss my dear friends of old. I miss the times I used to have with Chris and Rog. The late nights we all used to just talk and be friends. I remember a time where we were friends with our drama but not to the extent of it now. Don't you remember the good old days. A simpler time. I still remember:
- The day I got Pookie and Josh ended up stuffing him down his pants.
- The numerous times I was engaged to Tyler.
- How I came across my shirt that read: "I'm JC's Sexual Frustrated Sex-o-holic".
- The days I used to strip and table dance.
- Our little own Pussycat Dolls.
- GOPHER SEX!
- SESSY!
- The names: Alie (me), Lexi (Xtina), Nikki (Willa).
- Working it on a table.
- Beating up skanks that bad mouth my friends and their children.
- The time I spent on Paradise Island.
- Pouncing on my Pooh Bear and Tigger.
- Sour Apple Blow-Pops
- RSFLA
- FKA
Of course there is much more I remember but that's just a sample of what I have held in my heart and mind.
But we move on, don't we?
My first love.....Tyler. You know I was childish and petty. I was wrong and I drove him away. I see it now. I wish that I could have just been happy with his friendship and not pushed it. I should have just taken what I was given. Yes, I'm just probably looking at things through rose-colored glasses but in hindsight, I shouldn't have fought it. I should have let him do as he wished and moved on. He wasn't mine to win and there was no point in fighting for someone that didn't want to be mine. Sorry for all the pain I have caused. This was a lesson I needed to learn but it cost me more than I will every now.
My last love.....Chad. They say you always remember your first love, but for me, my first marriage or attempt of marriage will remain with me. I wouldn't say it haunts me but it's still with me. I was in love. Hell, I'm probably still in love. People drift apart for no reason. Sometimes no matter how hard you try it just can't work. There comes a time were I need to let go and just face that it's over. It's been over. There is nothing to hold on to. There is nothing to lead me to believe that I have anything left to be saved.
After all this time, I must just let go for good and walk on my own. Just move on and not look back. Not wonder what I did wrong and question if I could have changed things. It's time to fact the fact that maybe it wasn't what I did but perhaps it's fate's way of telling me it wasn't meant to be.
Time to just face that some things aren't meant to be. Some people aren't meant to be the one for some people right now. The time hasn't come for some. Or in other cases it has past and you can't really ever get it back.
I throw around my love way too much and now I have to choose carefully who gets it now. I won't guide my heart as I did but I won't freely give it to any who asks for it. I was foolish to expect a happiness I only dreamt of to just falling to my lap. I try to hard and I need to stop trying. I have had a very long line of failed romances and I don't want to add to them...... Elijah, Josh H., Jacob, Tom, Jake G..... I need to stop this cycle.
I'm still learning. I maybe a Harvard Grad, but that doesn't be that I have stopped learning. I still have my flaws and my imperfections. I have my strengths and my weaknesses. I have my ups and downs. I am human and I make mistakes as everyone.
My heart cries and my soul aches. That is me and that will never change. I look back at how much or little one simple young lady can change in 1 1/2 years.
notice me
take my hand
why are we
strangers when
our love is strong
why carry on without me
everytime i try to fly
i fall without my wings
i feel so small i guess
i need you baby
and everytime i see you
in my dreams i see your
face it's haunting me
i guess i need you baby
i make believe
that you are here
it's the only way
i see clear
what have i done
you seem to move on easy
everytime i try to fly
i fall without my wings
i feel so small i guess
i need you baby
and everytime i see you
in my dreams i see your
face your haunting me
i guess i need you baby
i may have made it rain
please forgive me
my weakness caused you pain
and this song's my sorry
at night i pray that soon
your face will fade away
everytime i try to fly
i fall without my wings
i feel so small i guess
i need you baby
and everytime i see you
in my dreams i see your
face your haunting me
i guess i need you baby
Back to the old days. I miss those days. I miss Lance. I miss Boner. I miss my dear friends of old. I miss the times I used to have with Chris and Rog. The late nights we all used to just talk and be friends. I remember a time where we were friends with our drama but not to the extent of it now. Don't you remember the good old days. A simpler time. I still remember:
- The day I got Pookie and Josh ended up stuffing him down his pants.
- The numerous times I was engaged to Tyler.
- How I came across my shirt that read: "I'm JC's Sexual Frustrated Sex-o-holic".
- The days I used to strip and table dance.
- Our little own Pussycat Dolls.
- GOPHER SEX!
- SESSY!
- The names: Alie (me), Lexi (Xtina), Nikki (Willa).
- Working it on a table.
- Beating up skanks that bad mouth my friends and their children.
- The time I spent on Paradise Island.
- Pouncing on my Pooh Bear and Tigger.
- Sour Apple Blow-Pops
- RSFLA
- FKA
Of course there is much more I remember but that's just a sample of what I have held in my heart and mind.
But we move on, don't we?