a long overdue update
anxiety.
here are some options.
1. lay in my bed to cry for a few minutes and probably feel a bit better.
2. go on a zombie-watch walk by my lonesome.
3. try to forget it by doing the reading i dont give two shits about or fiddling on the god-forsaken internet.
i have been drinking too much lately. and smoking.
i am afraid i might have picked up smoking, even though i cant afford it and dont really want to. there is just something so natural about my position at the bar, talking to a close friend, with a leinies in one hand and a marlboro 27 in the other.
i suppose if im going to smoke, i should roll my own, instead of supporting big tobacco.
and, oh!, i had such a good time at the bar last night! even though i feel as if i might be playing with fire again, it is good to be back on..talking terms, at least.
goodness, ive been trying to do everything right. i have been doing my homework, and working out, and trying to love unconditionally without much return. but i still feel so rejected from most parts of the things i want so much.
and i have been feeling ohsoinadequate for everyone and every job.
maybe i should go back on my medicine? i dont want to do that unless i know i am going to have health insurance to be able to talk to someone about it...i cant do it on my own and it is expensive if you dont have insurance.
i just want people to recognize how much i love them. and i feel like i cant even do that. i am paralyzed by not being able to love my friends enough so i end up not loving at all.
and why do i miss people so much when i live down the hall from them?!?! what is going to happen next year [when you all are doing amazing things and i am living in my moms basement, working at kohls, as she so lovingly suggested]?
i am not as sad as this might let on. i am just pretty sleepy and anxious because i am SUPPOSED to know about the c-haus job by tomorrow, so i will know if i can go to chile, so i will know if i can go back on my medicine, so i will know if i wasted one hundred dollars on a passport so as to have it on time, so i will know if i can have time to apply to my next years plans, so i will know if i need to find another place to live?!?!
here are some options.
1. lay in my bed to cry for a few minutes and probably feel a bit better.
2. go on a zombie-watch walk by my lonesome.
3. try to forget it by doing the reading i dont give two shits about or fiddling on the god-forsaken internet.
i have been drinking too much lately. and smoking.
i am afraid i might have picked up smoking, even though i cant afford it and dont really want to. there is just something so natural about my position at the bar, talking to a close friend, with a leinies in one hand and a marlboro 27 in the other.
i suppose if im going to smoke, i should roll my own, instead of supporting big tobacco.
and, oh!, i had such a good time at the bar last night! even though i feel as if i might be playing with fire again, it is good to be back on..talking terms, at least.
goodness, ive been trying to do everything right. i have been doing my homework, and working out, and trying to love unconditionally without much return. but i still feel so rejected from most parts of the things i want so much.
and i have been feeling ohsoinadequate for everyone and every job.
maybe i should go back on my medicine? i dont want to do that unless i know i am going to have health insurance to be able to talk to someone about it...i cant do it on my own and it is expensive if you dont have insurance.
i just want people to recognize how much i love them. and i feel like i cant even do that. i am paralyzed by not being able to love my friends enough so i end up not loving at all.
and why do i miss people so much when i live down the hall from them?!?! what is going to happen next year [when you all are doing amazing things and i am living in my moms basement, working at kohls, as she so lovingly suggested]?
i am not as sad as this might let on. i am just pretty sleepy and anxious because i am SUPPOSED to know about the c-haus job by tomorrow, so i will know if i can go to chile, so i will know if i can go back on my medicine, so i will know if i wasted one hundred dollars on a passport so as to have it on time, so i will know if i can have time to apply to my next years plans, so i will know if i need to find another place to live?!?!