here is what I know now & it goes like this
it's been almost a year since I was here. I've sort of moved on, I suppose, to blogging on myspaces and facebooks, and scribbling in real journals, and yelling in eardrums, and key slashes on park benches ("where are you, love?"). I've taken up with some things that are more tangible, and some things that are less tangible.
I'm going to be 22 this year - how's that for strange?
I've had this journal since the roomates, since the hospital, since the Zoloft.
I've been writing since I was old enough to form words on paper.
the thing of it is that I can't meausre all the things I've learned, lay them out for anyone like chunks of gold or amythest to soothe your jagged edges.
I can't satisfy time, the hungry machine, always gnawing at the present, always forming the now into the tomorrow,
what will be into what is.
for myself, I know that love has saved me.
the love of my parents, the love of my family, the love of the few friends I've held, the love of strangers.
the love of Jesus has been Elmers glue to my torn middle, my ripped skin and heart.
love has been the sealant, the balm of gilead, the arms to catch me.
if you know someone who needs love, don't deny them that.
you never know how much it might mean.
you never know who you might save with a smile, with a nod, with understanding, with an embrace.
I think that people are on the verge of falling, and sometimes we don't even realize it.
we don't see how close we are to the edge of something bigger than ourselves, our toes wiggling over the concrete, fresh air and a four second free fall.
if no one is there to hold us back, if we have no other reason, who knows how far we might lean.
into the sky, into gravity, into a last breath.
I'll try to spell it out for you, what love has done for me, what love has shown me, what second and third and 287297834 chances I've been given to make things right.
these are some things I've gleaned from this year.
take pride in your work.
but do not be prideful in relationships. you will lose so much.
in this day and age, men are not as strong as they ought to be. take responsibility and be pro-active. build up the men in your life. brothers, friends, lovers ... you have no idea how deep this will run.
forgive everything until you realize they aren't sorry.
repentance and penance are two very different things. learn the difference. apply to life. repeat.
don't make excuses for yourself.
you'll go through life knowing very few people very well. make a point to know yourself the best out of them all.
be moved by things, be touched by things. don't be numb. it's safe - but it's dead.
listen to good music.
make art.
make your life art.
take deep breaths when you are in the forest.
listen to birds and children and the elderly. it will be worth it.
pray. with your eyes closed. mean what you say. you're talking to the Lord, remember?
read books about people.
when you talk to someone, look in their eyes.
dance naked to music in your room.
watch meteor showers, shooting stars, clouds, and the sea.
read between peoples' lines.
make an effort to understand others. they will notice.
don't be close minded, but have standards. make an effort to stand by them.
be faithful to those you love.
find something positive about everything.
find something beautiful in everything. look especially hard when things are ugly.
take lots of pictures.
write about how you feel, what you want. don't throw it away.
when you see things, describe them to others, using different words. appeal to all the senses. make things come alive in your words.
read the Bible out of doors. underline passages that mean something to you.
memorize verses that pull you through awful times. pass them along.
offer advice gently, then go for a midnight walk.
write a love letter to someone. put it into a bottle. send it on its way.
don't be afraid to cry.
don't be afraid to scream.
climb something high.
look for the good in whoever you encounter.
and love. love the ones who love you. love them hard. realize that it's going to hurt. that life is going to hurt. don't wilt, waiting for it. be ready. be on your guard. be prepared.
love until your hands bleed. and let God heal you.
that's all I have for now.
who is reading this?