Prompt Post Round 1
Prompts go here! This will be closed and a new post made at 3000 comments. Please link all fills to the Round 1 Fill Post.
This post is closed to new prompts! Post prompts at Round 2! Fills and comments can still be posted here.
This post is closed to new prompts! Post prompts at Round 2! Fills and comments can still be posted here.
And this is so AU it's ridiculous.
Also, Wheatley refers to GLaDOS as 'Glados' simply because it'll be her last name in this fill and it's polite. Cave will call her 'Caroline' due to obvious reasons. Rick will call her 'Caroline' because he's Rick and he doesn't care about formalities.
So...Here we go.
---
“Now I know some of you may be asking yourselves: is working here at Aperture Science actually worth risking your lives each and every day? Don’t give me that incredulous look; I know most, if not all, have thought about it at least once on the job. Now, I’m going to give you your answer: Yes. Yes, it yes. Now while it’s very possible to because fatally ill or critically injured here, we do our best to keep you all safe. You won’t have to worry about anything while working here, besides the facts that your blood may permanently turn into a different substance, you may lose a limb or two, and of course there’s the off chance that we actually aren’t able to save you and you do actually die.
But we’re paying you, and that’s all that matters. We pay you handsomely, and isn’t the money worth it all? You’re furthering the cause of science, and you get cash in return. It’s a win-win situation. Now, the reason why I’m bringing this up is because I’ve been getting reports and complaints every damn day about how ‘dangerous’ and ‘questionable’ these experiments are. Listen; it’s my damn company and I will do whatever I damn please with it! If I want to run dangerous and questionable experiments, then I damn will! If you don’t agree with me, then you’re fired!
Now, then. That’s all I actually have to say right now, so. Get back to work. Ah, Caroline, bring me a cup of coffee. All that yelling’s gotten my throat completely dry…”
“Yes, sir, Mr. Johnson.”
The announcement ended with a loud beep from the intercoms, and the scientists at Aperture Science returned to their jobs, not having paid much attention. Most of these announcements didn’t have anything to do with the people working in the Biology labs anyway, as most of the scientists working there actually enjoyed their job to some extent. It didn’t matter if they really worked or not; Aperture was never good at checking the quality and dedication of their scientists. As long as it looked like they were working, everything was okay.
“Ah, I love my job,” A large man with short dark hair sighed contentedly, raising and stretching his arms behind his neck. “I get to slack off and not even get yelled at for it! Though I would prefer having a more dangerous job, like being target practice for the turrets, I can’t exactly be disappointed with this one.” He let his arms fall and placed a large hand on a nearby cart full of plants; the cart rolled away from him and started speeding through the shut-in botanical garden.
As the cart sped through the lab, scientists shouted and pushed each other out of the way so as to not get ran over. Plants were shoved onto the ground, losing precious data and future research. The man who had started the mess snorted; people were so cowardly sometimes. They needed excitement in their lives, something to reflect back upon and laugh at! They could have heroically stopped the cart and prevented more damages to the lab, all the while being hailed as a hero for all of five minutes. But instead they decided to scream and run. The man sighed; looks like he needed to save them.
Not that he was complaining.
Reply
However, before he could even take a step forward, the cart had already come to an abrupt stop as it crashed into the back of a different scientist, knocking the person down quickly. The other scientists didn’t even bother trying to help him; they went back to whatever they were doing before and completely acted as if they weren’t just screaming and running around. They quickly replaced the destroyed plants and went back to taking notes. How boring.
Rick was a man who loved excitement and adventure, and this simply would not do.
He considered making an even larger commotion by taking some of that snazzy propulsion gel stuff and covering all the plants with it. He snickered as his mind came up with an amusing sight of plants literally bouncing all over the walls and out of the hands of the desperate scientists who were trying to get everything under control.
Yeah, that sounded like fun.
Before he could think of a way to leave and come back without anyone noticing, he noticed that the scientist who had been run over with the cart full of plants was slowly getting back up, rubbing his back. The scientist was mumbling things that Rick couldn’t hear under his breath, and he stopped to fix his round glasses. He turned around to kick the cart, then cursed rather loudly as his clutched his now bruised foot, hopping on one leg.
Now, while Rick didn’t normally talk to anyone unless they were female or annoying him, he was pretty curious about that scientist. More specifically, why he didn’t run away even while the entire lab around him was going into chaos.
“Hey, four eyes.” Rick walked closer to the scientist as he finally stopped jumping around and put his foot back on the ground. “I’ve got a question to ask you.” The other man looked around, looking for any other person Rick could possibly be talking to. “Yes, you.” He jabbed his finger in the scientist’s chest. This finally caused the other to speak.
“Okay, um, ow.” The scientist tried to smack Rick’s hand away but to no avail. “What do you want? I’m kind of really busy getting myself back together, because, well, I kind of got ran over by a speeding plant cart. I was thinking about something before that about this girl I really like and I had something I was going to say to her but not I can’t remember and it’s all thanks to that cart and--why am I telling you this?! I know who you are; you’re that guy who hits on every single new female employee without a care in the world! You should really think about your job more, you know, if Glados finds out, she’ll have you fired in a heartbeat, and--”
Rick groaned. Oh, he knew who this guy was. This was the guy who always hung around Chell, that pretty woman who never talked. Chell was one of the scientists who tested out new test chambers and made sure they were safe for actual use. Oh, she was a pretty one. He tried hitting on her a few times, but then the scientist who stood in front of him right now always got in the way. What was his name again?
It started with a ‘W’. Or was it a ‘T’? He couldn’t remember. Whe…Where…Wit…Wicky? Was that his name? Something like that.
Oh, wait. What was Wicky talking about? Something about a girl he liked? Oh, it was Chell, wasn’t it? There’s absolutely no way Chell would go out with someone like Wicky. She needed a man that could take care of her, someone to pamper her and shower her with gifts and be her personal bodyguard if necessary! She needed someone who she could depend on for anything. She needed…Rick.
But there were so many other beautiful women in the world who needed Rick as well! He couldn’t just ignore them, now could he? Hm, he’d have to hand Chell over to Wicky.
His eyes scanned over the shorter male in front of him and he immediately frowned.
Reply
…Well, there was Wicky.
But Wicky just seemed so…unfitting. He wasn’t muscular enough, he wasn’t smart enough, he wasn’t romantic enough, he wasn’t anything enough! There was no way Chell would accept someone like Wicky, and even though Rick usually only cared for women, he’d hate to see another man’s heart get broken, especially when he could have prevented it. It was so cruel!
So he decided, that right then and there, that he would be the one to teach Wicky anything and everything there was to know about women.
“And then the bloody bird wouldn’t leave me alone! I tried swatting it away, but it kept coming back and pecking my head even harder! That bird! It was livid! Mad! Glados laughed at me the entire time, that awful woman, but at least Chell tried to help me! Oh, Chell…”
…Rick also noted to teach Wicky not to ramble and stay on topic. That was a key point in getting women.
“Hey, Wicky.”
“And then Glados said, ‘I lied. Surprise!’ and smashed the cake into my face and--…who’s Wicky? Wait, wait, wait, you’re talking to me, aren’t you? My name isn’t Wicky! That sounds like that thing on the candle that you burn…ah, what was it called--a wick? Yeah, I’m pretty sure it was a wick. My name is not Wicky! It’s Wheatley!”
Oh yeah, Wheatley.
“Whatever,” Rick dismissed the smaller male. “Anyway, Wicky--”
“Wheatley--”
“Wheatley,” He corrected himself. “I’ve decided that I’m going to help you with your women problems. You want that lovely Chell, right?”
“Yes--”
“Then I’m going to make sure you get her! Now, in order to understand what’s inside a woman’s mind and how to figure out what she likes without directly asking her, you have to be her!”
“I have to what--”
“Therefore! My plan is: You are going to pretend to be Chell while I pretend that I’m your boyfriend. That way, you’ll learn about Chell personally and you can skip all of the awkward questions about what she likes and eliminate the option of guessing. You won’t have to guess once you know everything about her!”
“I have to pretend to be Chell? How is that going to work at all--”
“Trust me, trust me. I’m the expert on women. I know what I’m doing.”
“No! This plan is completely bollocks! I refuse to go along with it--”
“I’m going to teach you everything about women. How to kiss them, how to talk to them properly without making them feel awkward, the stuff! When we’re done, you’ll be back to your regular self, and just do everything I do to you exactly the way I did it to Chell, and you’re good!”
“What--”
“Trust me! It’ll work!”
“Will you let me--”
“Hm, of course, I’ll have to tell you everything we’re going to cover. Well, we’re going to cover kissing, that’s important, speech, because honestly you don’t want to screw anything up, gift giving, because they’ll never forgive you if you give them a crappy present for your anniversaries or something, and…hm, what else? Oh, the most important part! Se--”
“Dear God no! Don’t you dare--”
“What? What’s wrong with sex? It’s the most important part of every relationship! Your relationship is nothing without sex! I’ll have to teach you how to do that properly too, of course. Yep. And I think that’ll be it!”
“Oh my God.” Wheatley buried his face in his hands. “I barely even know you other than the fact that you’re a flirt, but oh my GOD. I think…I think I’m going to just go home. And stay there until I forget about you. Hopefully by then you’ll have forgotten about me and this ridiculous plan.” He started walking off and passed the larger man.
“I’ll be waiting for your return, sweet cheeks!”
“Bloody hell.”
Reply
LOL
I laughed so hard that my abs are gonna be ripped
Reply
(Captcha: joined, hammer. Nailing might ensue, yes? :3)
Reply
Reply
…Well, apartment, really, but Wheatley liked pretending that he actually had the money to have his own house all to himself.
Not all to yourself for long, his mind slyly commented. Once you’re with Chell, this apartment will be the last thing from lo--
“Shut up,” he spoke out loud and buried his face into his pillow, covering his red face in shame. Not that there was anyone to actually laugh and ridicule him, but it was just a natural thing to do.
The phone continued to ring loudly before it finally silenced itself. Wheatley sighed in relief, relishing in the silence that now filled his apartment.
It lasted for all of three seconds before the phone started blaring again.
“Bloody hell,” he muttered under his breath, picking himself up and throwing the pillow across the room. It landed in front of his small closet with a soft thump. He reached over to the nightstand next to his bed and finally picked up the phone. “What do you want?”
“Now Wheatley, that isn’t the way to talk to your boss. I have marked this in your personal files and will be deducted from your next paycheck.”
“G-Glados!” Wheatley screeched at the sound of his boss’s voice. He fumbled with the receiver, nearly dropping it onto the floor before managing to hold it with somewhat steady hands. “H-how did you get my number?”
“…I’m your boss, Wheatley. Why wouldn’t I have your phone number?”
“O-oh. My bad. I’m sorry. Carry on! Wait, you aren’t firing me, are you? Dear God please no! I promise I’ll fix whatever it is I managed to break! I’ll make it even better than it was before; you can count on me! Or-or is it because you heard me that one time while I was talking to Chell that one lunch break a few weeks ago where I called you a vile, horrible woman who shouldn’t even be walking on the face of the Earth? Because if you heard that, I take it back! I take everything bad I said about you back! But oh no, if you aren’t calling me for that reason and actually didn’t know what I said at all, you do now! Oh no oh no please don’t fire me please don’t fire me pleasedon’tpleasedon’tpleasedon’t--”
“Are you done yet?” She sounded as calm and collected as ever; she didn’t even seem mad or irritated about Wheatley’s rant. At least, from what Wheatley himself could hear.
“…Yes. I’m quite finished. Please continue.” Please don’t fire me, please don’t fire me, please don’t fire me…
“Anyway,” a pause. There was the sound of shuffling papers. “I’ve noticed that you left the Botanical labs early today. You’ve never done that before. Why?” She sounded genuinely concerned for him, but if the past two years of working at Aperture Science taught Wheatley anything, it was that anything and everything Caroline Glados said was a lie. The only two people she cared for were Cave Johnson and Chell. …Though she only cared about humiliating Chell; anyone who interfered with her plans for Chell found themselves fired. And then threatened with being sent into those machines where turrets were destroyed; Wheatley could never remember what they were called. He wondered if those rumors were true.
“Um, you see…” Wait. He couldn’t tell her about Rick and his ridiculous plan to get him together with Chell! Glados would laugh at him and ridicule him! Then possibly fire him for his outburst earlier. “I…wasn’t feeling well.”
“I see.” The sound of pen on paper from the other line. “Why weren’t you feeling well? Was your head hurting, stomach hurting, or what? Because I think you’ve been one of the ones secretly chosen for testing in their sleep. It may just be a side effect.”
“Well, no, it wasn’t any of those--wait, what?!”
“I was lying. There is no secret testing on scientists in their sleep. That was joke. Laugh with me. Haha.”
“Haha…ha…”
“Your laughter doesn’t sound very genuine. I’m marking that on your file. I’m deducting that from your next paycheck as well.”
Reply
“You sound fine to me. You’re yelling at me, and I’m positive sick people aren’t capable of yelling without harming their vocal cards. Come back to work. I have a surprise for you.”
“…What is it?”
“I can’t tell you, then it wouldn’t be a surprise. Come to work and I’ll give it to you.” And with that, she hung up.
Wheatley groaned as he let the receiver slip from his slackened grasp. Why bother going back to work? He was positive that Glados had absolutely nothing for him. And even if she did, Wheatley had a feeling that it wouldn’t be as nice as surprises usually sounded. It probably involved pain. And humiliation. Glados loved that sort of stuff. He wondered how Cave Johnson could ever handle someone like her.
…Well, he wasn’t doing anything productive in his apartment, and if he didn’t go back, Glados might fire him. Heck, she might fire him anyway because she was simply just that cruel.
As he rolled off the bed and prepared to go back to the Aperture Science facility, he was interrupted by a knock on his door. He wondered who could possibly be visiting him and if it was safe to let them know he was in, but his mouth beat his mind.
“The door’s open. Just come in.”
Oh great, oh great. He didn’t even know who was knocking on his door, and he just let them in without another thought! Wheatley hated to admit it, but maybe Glados had a point in calling him a moron…No! He was most definitely not a moron and he would prove that by hiding and attacking the stranger if they turned out to be dangerous!
The door knob turned and Wheatley quickly rolled under his bed. It was times like these when he was glad that he was thin and not overly muscular like some of those other people back at Aperture. (His mind instantly came up with the name ‘Rick’, but he didn’t want to even think about that person at the moment, so he banished the thought.) It made laying down under his bed a lot easier and faster.
The door opened and the stranger walked in. Wheatley strained to see who the person was, but all he could see was their boots. They wore large and thick combat boots. All sorts of ideas ran through his head about what kind of person would be wearing combat boots, but he shook his head and decided on his sneak attack.
What would he do? He could just yell and scream for help, but that was the coward’s way out, and Wheatley was not a coward! At least, in his mind he wasn’t.
There honestly was not much he could do, crammed in that tight little space. The most he could do was just grab the person’s boots and trip them. Then he would have another set of options fully available to him.
Wheatley took a deep breath and shot his arm out from under the bed and wrapped around the ankle of the person’s left boot; the intruder(Wheatley didn’t allow himself to think it was anybody else) stopped walking. Using the grip he had on the intruder’s boot to his advantage, he dragged himself across the floor and wrapped both of his arms around the intruder’s legs. Nothing happened.
…Okay, okay, bad idea, bad idea, he thought. They stopped walking; I can’t trip people when they’re just standing still! …Well, I guess I could, but this is like hugging a tree and why am I so bloody weak okay I take back what I said about lean being good; I wish I actually had the muscular strength to move this guy!
“There you are!” An all-too-familiar voice boomed, and Wheatley felt himself being lifted up and forcibly removed from the intruder’s legs. The man flailed about wildly, smacking the intruder’s chest and arms(at least, what he thought were the chest and arms; it was like attacking a tree). “Haha, what are you doing, honey?”
Wheatley stopped his useless attack and looked up at the person who was holding him. It was Rick.
“…Okay,” Wheatley started. “One. Let go of me.” Rick did so without saying a word, and Wheatley tumbled to the ground. “Ow! Gently next time!” He picked himself up and wiped the invisible dirt off. “Two. I’m not your ‘honey’. I never agreed to go along with your ridiculous plan! Also! Three! How the bloody hell did you find out where I live?!”
“I asked Caroline.” Rick shrugged. Wheatley stared at him in shock.
Reply
“Sure thing, honey.”
“I am not your--!!” Wheatley was interrupted as Rick picked him up and threw him over his shoulder while heading towards the door. “Wait, wait, wait! Where are you going?!”
“You told me to get out, so I’m getting out.”
“Not with me! Put me down! Where are you taking me?!”
“Back to Aperture. Caroline said she wanted to talk to you. Something about showing you a surprise. I dunno.”
“But she just called me five minutes ago! There is no way you came all the way from Aperture to my apartment in just five minutes.”
“She sent me here an hour ago. I don’t know what you were doing, but she seemed pretty annoyed. She looked like she already called you, maybe you didn’t pick up, I don’t know what happened. But she’s mad, I’ll tell you that.”
“Oh, bollocks.” Wheatley forgot about the twelve times Glados called him after he left. Was he really able to ignore those phone calls for an entire hour? “…Put me down. I’m not going. She’ll kill me. She’ll kill me. She’ll kill me.”
“Haha, don’t worry! I’m sure she won’t kill you. I’ll be there to protect you even if she tries, honey.”
“Stop calling me that--”
“By the way, you don’t make a very good Chell. She’s supposed to be silent, right? You’re the complete opposite. Oh well, don’t worry your little head off, we’ll work around that.”
“We’re not going with your ridiculous plan--” He let out a yelp as Rick smashed him into the wall. “What the-- you did that on purpose!”
“I have no idea what you’re talking about.”
“Come on, just…just put me down, and we can forget everything we said to each other throughout the entire course of today. Please? I didn’t do anything to you; I don’t get why you’re doing this to me.”
“You act as if it’s a bad thing,” Rick snorted. “Just get used to this, and once you learn everything, I’ll leave you alone! It’s as simple as that. The more you resist, the longer it’s going to take.”
“I am never going along with this ridiculous plan, so you can just--”
“Oh look, there’s my car. Pretty sweet, huh?” Rick came to a stop right before his green car; he looked down on it and smiled brightly. “Oh, how I love her so.”
“I don’t care about your bloody car. Put me down.”
“If you say so, honey.” The taller man opened the door on the passenger side and dumped Wheatley not-so-gracefully inside. He quickly buckled the smaller man in and shut the door before Wheatley could even attempt to get out. Rick entered through the other side and started the engine.
“I’m not going with you!” Wheatley continued complaining. “I’d rather not die today, thank you very much.”
“Well, you won’t die as long as you stay in that seat. This is going to be the ride of a lifetime, sweet cheeks!”
“Don’t call me tha--ahh!” Wheatley’s sentence turned into a scream as Rick practically jerked his car out of the parking lot and sped down the road. As Rick ran through several red lights and broke various speed laws, Wheatley was sure of one thing.
If Glados wasn’t going to kill him, this car ride definitely was.
--
A/N: no one saw that de-anon
Also, I'm glad that some people are actually enjoying this, aha. I'll try to update as fast as I can!
Reply
Reply
Reply
Reply
angjkagnjanha
Reply
;lkajdj;kl;ajk
Reply
---
Chell was having a pretty normal day so far, which was odd for her.
She went to work where everything was the same, minus the screams of scientists who had an experiment backfire on them. She tested out test chambers to make sure they were actually passable, as the test creators had a habit of accidentally making them impossible to solve, and stranding the test subjects in there with no way out. Caroline had mocked her about her weight(which was weird, considering how no one else ever told her she was fat.), but Chell didn’t mind. She simply ignored her boss like she always did. Nothing was out of the ordinary.
Which was why she couldn’t help but jump when a large green car crashed through the wall next to her and sent debris flying all over the place.
Normally, Chell wouldn’t let something like that effect her; her life was full of random things occurring and destruction happening. She was used to it, but…today was different. Looks like her day was getting back on schedule.
“Bloody hell,” a familiar voice groaned as the car door on the left opened and a ginger-haired man fell out, rolling onto the floor and grabbing air. “Did you really have to go that fast? Ugh…my head…”
“Nonsense, Wheats!” The other door opened up, and a taller black haired man stepped out with a large smile on his face. “That’s how real men drive. Obeying traffic signs and laws are for pussies!”
“I obey them!”
“Which is why you’re the woman in our little relationship. Now let’s go see Caroline; I don’t think you want to keep her waiting for very long.” Rick grabbed the smaller man’s wrist and all but dragged him away from the wreck.
“What relationship? We are not in a relationshi--oh hello, Chell!” Wheatley cut himself off mid-word to wave happily to his crush. The woman awkwardly raised her arm and waved back, unsure of what else to do. Wheatley pried himself out of Rick’s grasp(“Where are you going, honey? We’ve got places to go, work to do!”) and ran over to Chell. “Oh, Chell,” he moaned dramatically. “My day has been awful so far.”
Chell raised an eyebrow and nodded her head, signaling for him to continue.
“Okay so first, I was working in the botanical labs testing out these new chemicals on the plants, you see. I don’t quite remember what they were for; I think they were supposed to help the plant grow larger. But anyway, that’s beside the point! I was just about to give the plant just the right amount I needed to give it, but then Rick over there,” he sharply turned his head to the man in question, who simply grinned and waved his hand, “Decided to have some fun with a cart and ram it into me!”
Reply
“Shut up!” Wheatley shouted at him. “And don’t call me that!” He turned back to Chell, “He’s the reason why my day has been so awful so far. I let one tiny little thing slip and now he’s on about us being in a ‘practice relationship’ so I can practice it on you! What kind of plan is that? But anyway, he said he’s going to teach me everything from kissing to sex and I don’t know what to do…” He trailed off and slid down the front of Chell’s body, grabbing awkwardly at her clothes to prevent himself from sliding any further but missing.
Chell was thoroughly confused. Wheatley and Rick were in a relationship? Well…that wasn’t something she expected. She could see it happening, but it didn’t make it any less awkward. Wheatley had said it was a ‘practice relationship’, but he could be lying for all she knew. Rick seemed to be pretty into it.
It was times like this that made Chell wish she could actually speak.
“You incompetent,” Wheatley stiffened and stood straight up at the sound of the voice, “Foolish,” even Rick had stood up straight, “Ignorant,” Wheatley started to tremble and whimper as the voice grew louder, “Moron!”
Caroline had stomped into the room, an expression of pure rage and fury etched onto her face. Never before had anyone seen her this angry; she usually acted indifferent and impassive at things that would easily send a normal person into a rage.
“What did you do, Wheatley?” Rick whispered to the smaller man, not even bothering to use a loving nickname.
“I don’t know!” Wheatley whispered back, shaking harder as Caroline started stepping closer.
To everyone’s surprise, she didn’t walk over to Wheatley.
She walked over to Rick instead.
Reply
Leave a comment