Because this is a game for MEN.
You know what makes me happy? It makes me happy that Brutal Legends doesn't have a fandom. Brutal Legend is a manly game about big manly dudes waving their not-at-all phallic guitars and swords at each other in a totally sexless fashion and scoring girls like straight dudes do while fighting bondage demons because bondage is bad and evil. Fandom would just taint all the manliness with their icky girlparts.
And really, the fact that there's no Eddie/Lars slashfic just depresses me restores my faith in fandom. I don't care how impressed they are with each other or how often Lars gets heroic camera angles or just what it sounded like he was saying when he asked Eddie if he'd been looking at his sword or anything, everyone knows that manly metal dudes can't be, like, into other dudes or anything never mind all the ones in real life that actually are. It's just a bad idea all around and I'm glad nobody's writing it, GLAD DO YOU HEAR ME.
And Ophelia/Lita wouldn't be hot at all either, so there.
Kittens are stupid.
And really, the fact that there's no Eddie/Lars slashfic just depresses me restores my faith in fandom. I don't care how impressed they are with each other or how often Lars gets heroic camera angles or just what it sounded like he was saying when he asked Eddie if he'd been looking at his sword or anything, everyone knows that manly metal dudes can't be, like, into other dudes or anything never mind all the ones in real life that actually are. It's just a bad idea all around and I'm glad nobody's writing it, GLAD DO YOU HEAR ME.
And Ophelia/Lita wouldn't be hot at all either, so there.
Kittens are stupid.