LJ Idol Week 4, in which we're Bard from social media
Why it's a good thing there was no social media in Shakespeare's day:
[Scene: Lord and Lady Montague's basement in Verona.]
Romeo:
[sitting in front of a computer when he notices Juliet's FB Messenger "available" status just lit up]
But, soft! what light through yonder window breaks?
Juliet's Entire Friendslist:
CREEP!
BLOCK HIM!!
I BET HE ASKED YOU TO SEND HIM A PICTURE OF YOUR MEDLAR DIDN'T HE?!
[Backstage, various other characters express concern that Romeo isn't much of a Romeo. They nominate someone with better *ahem* oral skills to try this whole social media thing instead, and perhaps try a different platform.]
Antony:
Friends, Romans, countrymen, lend me your ears.
Trump's Twitter:
LOOK AT CROOKED ANTONY, TRYING TO BORROW EARS FROM HARDWORKING ROMANS.
Antony:
I come to bury Caesar, not to praise him.
The evil that men do lives after them;
Trump's Twitter:
EVIL IS A CONSPIRACY MADE UP BY THE SENATE.
Antony:
The good is oft interrèd with their bones.
So let it be with Caesar. The noble Brutus
Hath told you Caesar was ambitious.
Trump's Twitter:
WRONG. NOT AMBITIOUS, HE RIPPED HIMSELF OUT OF HIS MOTHER'S WOMB, ONLY LIBERAL SCUM DOES THAT.
Antony:
If it were so, it was a grievous fault,
And grievously hath Caesar answered it.
Trump's Twitter:
CAESAR IS A NASTY DRESSING. WHEN I'M PRESIDENT I'LL BUILD A WALL TO KEEP CAESAR OUT AND I'LL MAKE HIDDEN VALLEY PAY FOR IT.
Antony:
[waves is arms in exasperation and storms off stage]
[Meanwhile, the remaining characters colorfully debate whether there's any chance of salvaging the show, themselves, or anyone's dignity. Deciding rather unanimously that there's not, they send out a charismatic representative to address the masses and do damage control, hoping the third social media platform they try will be the charm.]
Puck:
If we shadows have offended,
Think but this, and all is mended
Tumblr:
THAT APOLOGY ISN'T GOOD ENOUGH.
Puck:
That you have but slumber'd here
While these visions did appear.
And this weak and idle theme,
No more yielding but a dream
Tumblr:
QUIT TRYING TO INVALIDATE OUR EXPERIENCES YOU OPPRESSIVE WOODLAND SHITLORD SPRITE.
Puck:
Gentles, do not reprehend:
If you pardon, we will mend
Tumblr:
THAT WAS A NON-APOLOGY, TIME TO GO YELL AT HIM ON TWITTER.
Puck:
And, as I am an honest Puck,
If we have unearned luck
Tumblr:
OF COURSE YOU HAVE UNEARNED LUCK, YOUR FAERIE PRIVILEGE IS SHOWING!!111!11
Puck:
Now to 'scape the serpent's tongue,
We will make amends ere long
Tumblr:
I THINK THAT WAS A PENIS JOKE. HOW VERY CISHETERONORMATIVE OF YOU.
Puck:
Else the Puck a liar call;
So, good night unto you all.
Give me your hands, if we be friends,
And Robin shall restore amends.
Tumblr:
WAIT WHO IS THIS ROBIN PERSON, HE JUST SAID HIS NAME IS PUCK, THIS IS A FAKE ACCOUNT, LET'S DOXX HIM AND GET EVERYONE TO CALL TITANIA AND GET HIM FIRED!
[Exeunt everyone, at a slightly panicked pace]
[Scene: Lord and Lady Montague's basement in Verona.]
Romeo:
[sitting in front of a computer when he notices Juliet's FB Messenger "available" status just lit up]
But, soft! what light through yonder window breaks?
Juliet's Entire Friendslist:
CREEP!
BLOCK HIM!!
I BET HE ASKED YOU TO SEND HIM A PICTURE OF YOUR MEDLAR DIDN'T HE?!
[Backstage, various other characters express concern that Romeo isn't much of a Romeo. They nominate someone with better *ahem* oral skills to try this whole social media thing instead, and perhaps try a different platform.]
Antony:
Friends, Romans, countrymen, lend me your ears.
Trump's Twitter:
LOOK AT CROOKED ANTONY, TRYING TO BORROW EARS FROM HARDWORKING ROMANS.
Antony:
I come to bury Caesar, not to praise him.
The evil that men do lives after them;
Trump's Twitter:
EVIL IS A CONSPIRACY MADE UP BY THE SENATE.
Antony:
The good is oft interrèd with their bones.
So let it be with Caesar. The noble Brutus
Hath told you Caesar was ambitious.
Trump's Twitter:
WRONG. NOT AMBITIOUS, HE RIPPED HIMSELF OUT OF HIS MOTHER'S WOMB, ONLY LIBERAL SCUM DOES THAT.
Antony:
If it were so, it was a grievous fault,
And grievously hath Caesar answered it.
Trump's Twitter:
CAESAR IS A NASTY DRESSING. WHEN I'M PRESIDENT I'LL BUILD A WALL TO KEEP CAESAR OUT AND I'LL MAKE HIDDEN VALLEY PAY FOR IT.
Antony:
[waves is arms in exasperation and storms off stage]
[Meanwhile, the remaining characters colorfully debate whether there's any chance of salvaging the show, themselves, or anyone's dignity. Deciding rather unanimously that there's not, they send out a charismatic representative to address the masses and do damage control, hoping the third social media platform they try will be the charm.]
Puck:
If we shadows have offended,
Think but this, and all is mended
Tumblr:
THAT APOLOGY ISN'T GOOD ENOUGH.
Puck:
That you have but slumber'd here
While these visions did appear.
And this weak and idle theme,
No more yielding but a dream
Tumblr:
QUIT TRYING TO INVALIDATE OUR EXPERIENCES YOU OPPRESSIVE WOODLAND SHITLORD SPRITE.
Puck:
Gentles, do not reprehend:
If you pardon, we will mend
Tumblr:
THAT WAS A NON-APOLOGY, TIME TO GO YELL AT HIM ON TWITTER.
Puck:
And, as I am an honest Puck,
If we have unearned luck
Tumblr:
OF COURSE YOU HAVE UNEARNED LUCK, YOUR FAERIE PRIVILEGE IS SHOWING!!111!11
Puck:
Now to 'scape the serpent's tongue,
We will make amends ere long
Tumblr:
I THINK THAT WAS A PENIS JOKE. HOW VERY CISHETERONORMATIVE OF YOU.
Puck:
Else the Puck a liar call;
So, good night unto you all.
Give me your hands, if we be friends,
And Robin shall restore amends.
Tumblr:
WAIT WHO IS THIS ROBIN PERSON, HE JUST SAID HIS NAME IS PUCK, THIS IS A FAKE ACCOUNT, LET'S DOXX HIM AND GET EVERYONE TO CALL TITANIA AND GET HIM FIRED!
[Exeunt everyone, at a slightly panicked pace]