LJ Idol Week 9, in which we play with flamewars and burn troll-inhabited bridges
Trolls and flamewars. They go together like bread and butter, like LJ and error messages, like the NSA and your deepest, darkest secrets.
Of course, we all know how to spot a troll, right? Something like this, perhaps?
Well, that's *a* troll, but it's the primordial ooze of trolls, the unsophisticated invertebrate troll from which greater trolls later evolved. Trolls may be commonly regarded as unsophisticated, simple creatures, lower lifeforms easily ignored and starved to death by simply refusing to feed their ravenous appetite for flamey, ragey attention. However, the evolution of the digital-dwelling troll family and its various subspecies has come a long way since the first prehistoric ancestor slithered forth from the primordial cybernetic ooze and let loose with its iconic battle cry of "lol fag."
Scientists are still researching the latest wave of troll evolution, but these highly sophisticated, socially adept predators have evolved the ability to blend in with their surroundings, emulate the appearance of rival species, utilize objects in their environment to set traps, and of course, manipulate tools...usually by prodding and needling them into attacking. The following infographic represents techno-biologists' best understanding of the troll-tool relationship in the modern digital ecosystem:
I'm sure this scenario looks familiar. And as you do that painful walk of flame-shame, the troll's territorial mark of "YHBT" embarrassingly branded across your forehead, chances are you're asking yourself two positively burning questions: 1) WTF just happened? And more importantly 2) How can *I* learn to do that?!
Behold, the complex world of troll social behavior. The intricacies and of this science continue to confound and befuddle the world's brightest techno-biologists, but whether you're looking to hunt trolls or become one, this handy guide will lay out the basics. Populations of trolls in different ecosystems appear to develop unique social rituals and methods of trapping prey. However, one common link that spans the entire digital biosphere is a troll's tactic of making its prey appear to be the attacker, provocateur, or unreasonable creature. This forms the basis of nearly all trollish predatory behavior observed in the wild today.
METHOD 1: A simple and widespread hunting technique - take offense to some completely random shit and attempt to get your prey on the defensive:
PREY: Look at the pretty blue sky! <3
TROLL: Why's it gotta be BLUE?!
PREY: Well, the way sunlight is scattered by molecules in earth's atmosphere...
TROLL: RACIST.
This relatively primitive but surprisingly effective predatory tactic is commonly observed in troll populations inhabiting social justice environments, and it is often used to hunt and trap non-native individuals who unwittingly wander into the Social Justice Troll's territory and attempt to have a conversation. However, invasive species of trolls have also been known to quickly adapt and use similar techniques against Social Justice Warriors in order to turn the tables and play on a Social Justice Warrior's fears of not being Socially Just enough. A territorial battle of Social Justice trolls is one of the most beautiful and majestic sights the natural world has to offer. If you're lucky enough to witness (or successfully instigate) this phenomenon, count yourself among the truly blessed.
A common VARIATION OF METHOD 1 involves taking an unwitting victim's completely innocuous words and phrases wildly out of context in order to attribute malice to the victim and put the troll in a position to demand an apology.
PREY: Did you hear the news about the Queen of England?
TROLL: How dare you use the word "Queen"!! Don't you realize how offensive that is?!
PREY: Er, I meant the monarch, not a gay person.
TROLL: QUIT MAKING EXCUSES FOR YOUR BIGOTRY AND JUST STOP USING THE WORD.
This tactic has an alarmingly high success rate, and the resulting flamewars have been known to demolish entire ecosystems.
METHOD 2: Intentionally miss the point of someone's comment by incorrectly paraphrasing what they said.
PREY: I think PETA takes things a little too far with some of their campaigns.
TROLL:So what you're saying is you think children should be fed adorable adorable little golden retriever puppies in their school lunches.
Although some wilier species of would-be prey will be able to recognize and evade this particular attack, it can still guarantee a quick and furious response from a wide variety of targets.
A particularly nasty VARIATION OF METHOD 2 involves doing something incredibly obnoxious and inconsiderate under the guise of saying Something Important. When someone points out how obnoxious you're being, intentionally miss the point by accusing them of either missing the point or being too inconsiderate themselves to be concerned with your Important Thing.
TROLL: [Metric assload of unmarked spoilers about some new movie here, including a detailed description of the action-packed climax.] I can't BELIEVE they'd put that level of violence in a movie rated PG-13! Think of the children!!
PREY: Hey, spoiler warning plz!
TROLL: Where the hell are your priorities, you cold, unfeeling asshat! How could you think spoiler tags are more important than saving the lives of our children?!
This tactic is seen in troll populations throughout the digital biosphere, and if both the topic and the prey are carefully chosen, the carnage can be devastating. Either version of Method 2 can be made even *more* lethal by combining it with....
METHOD 3: Invoke the name of an organization, ideology, or political group that will likely incense both the prey and any lurking members of that group or organization who happen to be present.
TROLL: *Looks at Prey's userinfo; determines Prey is a staunch Democrat* You must be a card-carrying member of the NRA in order to support gun violence toward children as passionately as you do!
PREY: I am NOT some gun nut! [Goes on extended rant about how the NRA hunts human children for sport, buys AK-47s at wholesale price directly from Satan's personal gunsmith, etc]
ONE OR MORE LURKING NRA SUPPORTERS: *flames the shit out of Prey*
TROLL: *Walks away laughing maniacally, makes popcorn, watches theatrics from afar*
This tactic not only increases the likelihood of eliciting a flame from the prey, it also draws out any potentially lurking members of the group or organization in question who may feel compelled to step forward and defend their cause. A particularly skillful or deadly troll might even be able to remove itself entirely from the fight at this point, as demonstrated above.
METHOD 4: Accuse the prey of being the troll.
PREY: I'm so glad I found this forum for people who support the legalization of recreationally huffing wombat pheromones!
TROLL: I agree with you, but I think the recreational huffing of kangaroo and koala pheromones is way more important, and we need to immediately pass a government initiative that pumps them into the air ducts of all public buildings.
PREY: What the heck? You can't just get the government to make people huff koala pheromones! What are you even doing on this forum??
TROLL: Why are you trying to start a flamewar with me?! I was just saying I agreed with you!
This tactic is often the last-resort of a hungry, exhausted troll, and it has the highest success rate when used by members of petite, doe-eyed troll species who excel at feigning innocence.
In conclusion: there is much about the behavior of wild trolls that scientists are still learning, but always remember: stay alert, stay observant, and if you were offended by anything in this post...
[Text only version of this post, right thisaway! http://porn-this-way.livejournal.com/39990.html ]
Of course, we all know how to spot a troll, right? Something like this, perhaps?
Well, that's *a* troll, but it's the primordial ooze of trolls, the unsophisticated invertebrate troll from which greater trolls later evolved. Trolls may be commonly regarded as unsophisticated, simple creatures, lower lifeforms easily ignored and starved to death by simply refusing to feed their ravenous appetite for flamey, ragey attention. However, the evolution of the digital-dwelling troll family and its various subspecies has come a long way since the first prehistoric ancestor slithered forth from the primordial cybernetic ooze and let loose with its iconic battle cry of "lol fag."
Scientists are still researching the latest wave of troll evolution, but these highly sophisticated, socially adept predators have evolved the ability to blend in with their surroundings, emulate the appearance of rival species, utilize objects in their environment to set traps, and of course, manipulate tools...usually by prodding and needling them into attacking. The following infographic represents techno-biologists' best understanding of the troll-tool relationship in the modern digital ecosystem:
I'm sure this scenario looks familiar. And as you do that painful walk of flame-shame, the troll's territorial mark of "YHBT" embarrassingly branded across your forehead, chances are you're asking yourself two positively burning questions: 1) WTF just happened? And more importantly 2) How can *I* learn to do that?!
Behold, the complex world of troll social behavior. The intricacies and of this science continue to confound and befuddle the world's brightest techno-biologists, but whether you're looking to hunt trolls or become one, this handy guide will lay out the basics. Populations of trolls in different ecosystems appear to develop unique social rituals and methods of trapping prey. However, one common link that spans the entire digital biosphere is a troll's tactic of making its prey appear to be the attacker, provocateur, or unreasonable creature. This forms the basis of nearly all trollish predatory behavior observed in the wild today.
METHOD 1: A simple and widespread hunting technique - take offense to some completely random shit and attempt to get your prey on the defensive:
PREY: Look at the pretty blue sky! <3
TROLL: Why's it gotta be BLUE?!
PREY: Well, the way sunlight is scattered by molecules in earth's atmosphere...
TROLL: RACIST.
This relatively primitive but surprisingly effective predatory tactic is commonly observed in troll populations inhabiting social justice environments, and it is often used to hunt and trap non-native individuals who unwittingly wander into the Social Justice Troll's territory and attempt to have a conversation. However, invasive species of trolls have also been known to quickly adapt and use similar techniques against Social Justice Warriors in order to turn the tables and play on a Social Justice Warrior's fears of not being Socially Just enough. A territorial battle of Social Justice trolls is one of the most beautiful and majestic sights the natural world has to offer. If you're lucky enough to witness (or successfully instigate) this phenomenon, count yourself among the truly blessed.
A common VARIATION OF METHOD 1 involves taking an unwitting victim's completely innocuous words and phrases wildly out of context in order to attribute malice to the victim and put the troll in a position to demand an apology.
PREY: Did you hear the news about the Queen of England?
TROLL: How dare you use the word "Queen"!! Don't you realize how offensive that is?!
PREY: Er, I meant the monarch, not a gay person.
TROLL: QUIT MAKING EXCUSES FOR YOUR BIGOTRY AND JUST STOP USING THE WORD.
This tactic has an alarmingly high success rate, and the resulting flamewars have been known to demolish entire ecosystems.
METHOD 2: Intentionally miss the point of someone's comment by incorrectly paraphrasing what they said.
PREY: I think PETA takes things a little too far with some of their campaigns.
TROLL:So what you're saying is you think children should be fed adorable adorable little golden retriever puppies in their school lunches.
Although some wilier species of would-be prey will be able to recognize and evade this particular attack, it can still guarantee a quick and furious response from a wide variety of targets.
A particularly nasty VARIATION OF METHOD 2 involves doing something incredibly obnoxious and inconsiderate under the guise of saying Something Important. When someone points out how obnoxious you're being, intentionally miss the point by accusing them of either missing the point or being too inconsiderate themselves to be concerned with your Important Thing.
TROLL: [Metric assload of unmarked spoilers about some new movie here, including a detailed description of the action-packed climax.] I can't BELIEVE they'd put that level of violence in a movie rated PG-13! Think of the children!!
PREY: Hey, spoiler warning plz!
TROLL: Where the hell are your priorities, you cold, unfeeling asshat! How could you think spoiler tags are more important than saving the lives of our children?!
This tactic is seen in troll populations throughout the digital biosphere, and if both the topic and the prey are carefully chosen, the carnage can be devastating. Either version of Method 2 can be made even *more* lethal by combining it with....
METHOD 3: Invoke the name of an organization, ideology, or political group that will likely incense both the prey and any lurking members of that group or organization who happen to be present.
TROLL: *Looks at Prey's userinfo; determines Prey is a staunch Democrat* You must be a card-carrying member of the NRA in order to support gun violence toward children as passionately as you do!
PREY: I am NOT some gun nut! [Goes on extended rant about how the NRA hunts human children for sport, buys AK-47s at wholesale price directly from Satan's personal gunsmith, etc]
ONE OR MORE LURKING NRA SUPPORTERS: *flames the shit out of Prey*
TROLL: *Walks away laughing maniacally, makes popcorn, watches theatrics from afar*
This tactic not only increases the likelihood of eliciting a flame from the prey, it also draws out any potentially lurking members of the group or organization in question who may feel compelled to step forward and defend their cause. A particularly skillful or deadly troll might even be able to remove itself entirely from the fight at this point, as demonstrated above.
METHOD 4: Accuse the prey of being the troll.
PREY: I'm so glad I found this forum for people who support the legalization of recreationally huffing wombat pheromones!
TROLL: I agree with you, but I think the recreational huffing of kangaroo and koala pheromones is way more important, and we need to immediately pass a government initiative that pumps them into the air ducts of all public buildings.
PREY: What the heck? You can't just get the government to make people huff koala pheromones! What are you even doing on this forum??
TROLL: Why are you trying to start a flamewar with me?! I was just saying I agreed with you!
This tactic is often the last-resort of a hungry, exhausted troll, and it has the highest success rate when used by members of petite, doe-eyed troll species who excel at feigning innocence.
In conclusion: there is much about the behavior of wild trolls that scientists are still learning, but always remember: stay alert, stay observant, and if you were offended by anything in this post...
[Text only version of this post, right thisaway! http://porn-this-way.livejournal.com/39990.html ]