LJ Idol Week 36, in which I wave the white flag and brandish a sacrificial dagger
I swore up and down I wouldn't let it end like this, but I've been staring at the screen since midnight last night, and the words just won't come. I tried to start writing on Friday, and nothing quite stuck. Then I tried again on Saturday and got more of the same. This wasn't any cause for concern at first, because I'm normally one of those quasi-masochistic freaks who thrives on the last-minute pressure of a deadline chasing me down and staring me in the eye. No biggie, I figured, I'll get a creative surge at the last minute, just like I always do. But I planted my ass in the computer chair last night, double fisting buckets of Starbucks' finest, ready for action...and now here I sit, less than an hour before the deadline, with half of one entry completed, the barest outline of a second, and that's it. The weird part is, this is a type of creative block I've never experienced before in my life, so I don't even know what to make of it. Normally when I'm blocked, it's *ideas* that I lack, but once I get that initial spark, I'm off like a shot, and either it doesn't go in a direction I like, in which case I move on to the next thing, or it works fine and I pull it together. But this? I have my ideas, all six of them! And they're outlined in my head, but I just can't get the words to come, and I haven't the foggiest idea WTF, because never before in my three decades on this planet has this ever happened to me, ever. It's scary and bizarre and OMG SHITTY TIMING FOR THE EPIC FAIL and ugh. Just, ugh.
More than ugh.
I am absolutely, positively heartbroken, and I am so, so sorry. I feel like a backstabbing bitch, completely bailing on anyone who put any amount of faith in me or fought to keep me in. That's the worst part of it, I think. Fucking up and falling on my ass, I can do. Hell, I daresay I've got it down to a science! But dropping like an impotent mosquito in a cloud of Raid is just shameful, especially when I've fought this hard to stay alive, and other people have fought to help me. This sucks.
Maybe I got in over my head without realizing it - didn't expect to go this far, didn't expect to get this invested, didn't expect a lot of stuff, and it just sorta shocked my system. IDK, I'm normally good at surviving unexpected turns of events, so that's not an excuse either! I'm just so confused and lost and IDEK. I signed up for Idol having not the foggiest idea what it even WAS - I got dared to enter and thought it would be funny. Create the most ridiculous LJ name I could possibly think of and post a bunch of gag entries until I got voted out. That was the dare. I thought I'd last maybe a couple weeks, get a good laugh, then move on with my life.
Yeah, I guess that blew up in my face, the same way my attempt at trolling hogwarts_elite blew up in my face all those years ago. It backfired, I fell in love, and completely poured my heart into it.
I regret nothing. How could I possibly? Idol has pretty much taken over my life these past few months, and it's been wonderful. Scary as hell and nail-bitingly intense sometimes, but undoubtedly wonderful. I had no idea what I was even capable of, no idea how much fight I had in me, how much determination, no idea that I could leap into battle mode in the blink of an eye and be reduced to tears (the good kind) in the next, just by hearing the right comment from the right person at the right time, or having an unspoken comment like a poll result or a jury vote deliver a message of confidence.
I can say with 100% certainty that I'll be back for Season 9, and hopefully, I'll get it right the second time and go down kicking and screaming like the good lord intended, not falling short of the finish line and waving a lame-ass (yes, I said it!) white flag. For the rest of this season, I'll be buzzing around the GR\WR, making a pest of myself as usual, because dear gods I have come to treasure this place and everyone here more than I ever thought possible.
Gary - thank you SO MUCH for running this circus. I know we typewriter-wielding monkeys can be a lot to handle sometimes, especially when we start screeching and flinging poo or otherwise being a pain in your ass, but thank you for this amazing creative outlet, even if you do delight in our screams of agony from time to time. Also, thank you for giving me the green light to work with Kitty last week. I don't think I'll ever forget that one, and for obvious reasons, it was even more of a priceless experience than I realized at the time. (And Kitty, I hope you're up there mocking my downfall.)
alien_infinity, java_fiend, and tigrkittn - thank you for the grim reaper, cult leader, and sewer monster, respectively. ♥
To the bad influences and devil's advocates who declared themselves to be on "team porn" when I started trolling my head off back in March, and to the wonderful friends who've had my back behind the scenes and center stage alike - *clings to you all for dear life* I'M SORRY I WUSSED OUT!! Or got defeated by my traitorous brain. Or whatever the hell is going on, which I still can't even figure out, but whatever it is, it fucking sucks and I'm so sorry, and okay, I'm actually starting to cry (again!), which is conduct unbecoming a Klingon warrior, so I probably need to step away from the computer before I make an even bigger idiot out of myself and I likely need to stop rambling anyway.
♥ ♥ ♥
I'll wear my Season 8 Top 10 icon with pride, where'er I go. Play me off, Keyboard Cat!
More than ugh.
I am absolutely, positively heartbroken, and I am so, so sorry. I feel like a backstabbing bitch, completely bailing on anyone who put any amount of faith in me or fought to keep me in. That's the worst part of it, I think. Fucking up and falling on my ass, I can do. Hell, I daresay I've got it down to a science! But dropping like an impotent mosquito in a cloud of Raid is just shameful, especially when I've fought this hard to stay alive, and other people have fought to help me. This sucks.
Maybe I got in over my head without realizing it - didn't expect to go this far, didn't expect to get this invested, didn't expect a lot of stuff, and it just sorta shocked my system. IDK, I'm normally good at surviving unexpected turns of events, so that's not an excuse either! I'm just so confused and lost and IDEK. I signed up for Idol having not the foggiest idea what it even WAS - I got dared to enter and thought it would be funny. Create the most ridiculous LJ name I could possibly think of and post a bunch of gag entries until I got voted out. That was the dare. I thought I'd last maybe a couple weeks, get a good laugh, then move on with my life.
Yeah, I guess that blew up in my face, the same way my attempt at trolling hogwarts_elite blew up in my face all those years ago. It backfired, I fell in love, and completely poured my heart into it.
I regret nothing. How could I possibly? Idol has pretty much taken over my life these past few months, and it's been wonderful. Scary as hell and nail-bitingly intense sometimes, but undoubtedly wonderful. I had no idea what I was even capable of, no idea how much fight I had in me, how much determination, no idea that I could leap into battle mode in the blink of an eye and be reduced to tears (the good kind) in the next, just by hearing the right comment from the right person at the right time, or having an unspoken comment like a poll result or a jury vote deliver a message of confidence.
I can say with 100% certainty that I'll be back for Season 9, and hopefully, I'll get it right the second time and go down kicking and screaming like the good lord intended, not falling short of the finish line and waving a lame-ass (yes, I said it!) white flag. For the rest of this season, I'll be buzzing around the GR\WR, making a pest of myself as usual, because dear gods I have come to treasure this place and everyone here more than I ever thought possible.
Gary - thank you SO MUCH for running this circus. I know we typewriter-wielding monkeys can be a lot to handle sometimes, especially when we start screeching and flinging poo or otherwise being a pain in your ass, but thank you for this amazing creative outlet, even if you do delight in our screams of agony from time to time. Also, thank you for giving me the green light to work with Kitty last week. I don't think I'll ever forget that one, and for obvious reasons, it was even more of a priceless experience than I realized at the time. (And Kitty, I hope you're up there mocking my downfall.)
alien_infinity, java_fiend, and tigrkittn - thank you for the grim reaper, cult leader, and sewer monster, respectively. ♥
To the bad influences and devil's advocates who declared themselves to be on "team porn" when I started trolling my head off back in March, and to the wonderful friends who've had my back behind the scenes and center stage alike - *clings to you all for dear life* I'M SORRY I WUSSED OUT!! Or got defeated by my traitorous brain. Or whatever the hell is going on, which I still can't even figure out, but whatever it is, it fucking sucks and I'm so sorry, and okay, I'm actually starting to cry (again!), which is conduct unbecoming a Klingon warrior, so I probably need to step away from the computer before I make an even bigger idiot out of myself and I likely need to stop rambling anyway.
♥ ♥ ♥
I'll wear my Season 8 Top 10 icon with pride, where'er I go. Play me off, Keyboard Cat!