Need to Vent

[angeleyes831]

Again, he did it again. I don't remember when we had our first argument over this and I feel like I cannot take it anymore. I have been living with my boyfirend for a year and a half. He swore off strip clubs and porn in "respect" for my feelings, becasue he does not understand why it upsets me. This nice Christain man, doesn't believe statistics, biblical refrences nor my cries. I noticed my computer was running strange and there was a file in the recycle bin. Hentai Snow White Slave.. wtf?? So, of couse, I look to see where the file came from and the date. 8/04. Hmmm, and when I went to the stupid hidden folder in one of his computer games there was more of it. I caouln't help it I started cryiing and left the house. He asked what was wrong and didn't even come after me. So much for love. I came back and broke up with him, explaineing why. He swears he was deleting it off the computer and it was old. He swears he hasn't looked at anything since our last fight. So I checked the computer, no sites in the history but I found files downloaded on Tuesday a day he went home because he was so sick. I confronted him again and he's denying it. I am crushed. I have tried telling him how I feel and how this hurts me. I just feel like I can't do it anymore. I have lost all will to have sex with him because I know he is still looking at porn, but I love him so much, I can't imagine functioning without him. I want to run away and leave him but I feel like I have lead in my legs as I can't help but cling to him. I think I am as sick as he is. I did find a trojan downloader on my computer but I think I am just trying to justify he is being honest with me. I know he was looking at it on Tuesday...I just know he was...I am so mad I could spit but I can't stop crying thinking of leaving him. I need to be strong and do this but everytime we fight over this he says he will leave, no fight at all, he just starts packing and making me feel like I am the bad person. I really have lost it to keep him around, I feel I am betraying myself, this community and everything that goes along with it. He asked me to format the computer to prove it was all gone. Am I wrong to trust the man I love?

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