I suppose, I have some issues...
The more and more I come to realize and understand the person I am, and the person I am becoming....the more I realize how completely neurotic and incomprehensible I can be. I worry about everything, and find solace in the feeling of complete stress. Everything bothers me, everything gets to me, and everything worries me terribly. This is by no means saying that I have a terrible life at all, it just says, that I think I have some deep ceeded issues that I feel more comfortable adressing while typing them out.
Take for instance, the other night (and this completely only happens when I'm under a great deal of stress) I was hurredly woken up from a terrible dream, in which I invisioned a huge ass spider running across the curtains that casually hang above my bed. My first reaction was of terror and I think I let out a terrible gasp as well. I jumped away from the curtains, my pulse rushing and my breath heavy and fast. My first solution to the problem, run to the kitchen, with my face still to the window. I grabbed my dad's flashight and went back to my room for some investigating. Upon returning, I shined the light on the wretched curtains and saw no sign of movement anywhere. I thought to myself, possibly it cound have crawled under the curtains. So I took the time to methodically throw socks at the curtains in a vain attempt to get the figment of my imagination to come out of my green floral curtains. This was to no avail...The problem at that moment, was I realized I was losing my fucking mind, and the whole spider incident was a dream that I just brought to life. This happens to me all the time. I will wake up in the middle of the night from some dream that I'm at work or something, and I begin to panic or freak out, thinking I'm doing something wrong all of a sudden because I'm in bed, and not folding clothes or something of the sort. This only happens when I get stressed, but for some reason or another, I never seem to lose this stress, or atleast it never lessens to a point where I can sleep soundly for long periods of time on end.
Why the stress? Many reasons. Rachel, Parents, Life. All seem to combine into one big ass ball of stress for me. Rachel has gone to Australia for 6 months. 6 months.....! Are you kidding me. That's for ever to not see some one. I realize that I have family that I don't see for that long, but this is somone I've spent a considerable amount of time with, sharing time and experiences and basically our lives with. And now, I have no counterpart to do that with. She left on Friday, and called me when she got to L.A.. Because I had a show that day, I couldn't properly say goodbye to her before she walked in the terminal. So I spent all of my first show, in a deep funk from not getting to be the last to say goodbye and I love you from Chicago. Undoubtedly this affected my ability to play. My head definately was elsewhere, and I messed up huge on one of our songs. I doubt anyone noticed, but the band did, and I was so terrified not to fuck it up for them, that I did just that. We recovered, but now I can remember our first show as my grand fuck up. But this is what the stress can do for me. Like I said, she called me from LA, and I was able to tell her I love you, and that she better call me when she gets to Perth in Australia. Well, I waited and waited and waited and waited. I kept my phone by me constantly, and demanded that all my friends listen just in case I don't hear her techno ring on my shitty polyphonic phone. I waited some more, and began to grow very scared. Again, it got the best of me and I was completely distant at our friends house. As everyone played flippy cup, or attempted to discuss trivial things, I layed looking up at the stars, fear in my heart that something must have happened to her. Only when you care this much about someone do you worry about things like this. I stayed up till about 5:30 waiting from a call from her, and by this time, I knew not what to do. I fell asleep finally, humming the sweet melodic banter of John Cusac and Kate Beckinsale in Serendipity (as it was playing in my room), only to wake up suddenly at 12 to Softcore and Ultimate Brogan and their phone call to get my ass to the pool. So I went and had a great time, but my mind was still on Rachel. No call, no anything. I really started to panic. What if she just didn't care to call me. What if she met some hot guy at her dorm and already had forgot me. What if she just hated my guts and felt a phone call to me was unnecassary. Or what if she was hurt. I don't know what I would do if the last were to happen. I ate dinner with friends, and went over to Brogan's house, and was sitting on my laptop, praying that at some point she would stumble online, and I can finally know that she is ok. Finally at about 11:30 our time, about noon there time, I got word from her on AIM. She got there ok, but can't call home for some reason or another. She wasn't able to call her dad even. She sent him an email. I was so relieved to hear from her, but the news she told me, kind of saddened me. She is miserable there right now. With no one to lean on, and so far from home in a country that is completely different from our own. She lives too far from anything, she can't get a phone, she can't call home, her dorm is scary, and most importantly, she wants me to go there to rescue her there. How can that not just break your heart. Part of me wishes this place to be so intolerable that she ultimately decides to call it quits there, and come back so we can go back to normal, but part of me is so devastated that this misfortune has befell her. This was her dream, and now that she had it, she is miserable. I don't want this to be ruined for her, so the second I heard she was having any trouble, I did research on where she can buy a phone, and exactly how she can call home to me and her dad. I hope she can use it. I want her to just get through this the best she can. But I worry for her, and I have this deep feeling that she is going to find someone far more attractive and smarter and classier then me, with a sweet accent and he's going to take her off her feet. I don't know if I could deal with that at all. Maybe I'm just completely neurotic, but I don't know how to stop these feelings. What is to stop her. They say that sometimes the love of your life can come from nowhere, and just show up. What if it is not me. What if she finds it down there, and then starts just blatantly ignoring me, and I go on with no knowledge of this....I can't handle that at all. I don't do well with cheating, or anything of the sort. This would just be bad news bears for me. She says she will remain faithful, but I can't get the feelings out of my head. This is a huge reason why I'm so stressed, but by far not the only one.
I guess that's all for now. this is why I don't share much feelings.....I talk to much
Take for instance, the other night (and this completely only happens when I'm under a great deal of stress) I was hurredly woken up from a terrible dream, in which I invisioned a huge ass spider running across the curtains that casually hang above my bed. My first reaction was of terror and I think I let out a terrible gasp as well. I jumped away from the curtains, my pulse rushing and my breath heavy and fast. My first solution to the problem, run to the kitchen, with my face still to the window. I grabbed my dad's flashight and went back to my room for some investigating. Upon returning, I shined the light on the wretched curtains and saw no sign of movement anywhere. I thought to myself, possibly it cound have crawled under the curtains. So I took the time to methodically throw socks at the curtains in a vain attempt to get the figment of my imagination to come out of my green floral curtains. This was to no avail...The problem at that moment, was I realized I was losing my fucking mind, and the whole spider incident was a dream that I just brought to life. This happens to me all the time. I will wake up in the middle of the night from some dream that I'm at work or something, and I begin to panic or freak out, thinking I'm doing something wrong all of a sudden because I'm in bed, and not folding clothes or something of the sort. This only happens when I get stressed, but for some reason or another, I never seem to lose this stress, or atleast it never lessens to a point where I can sleep soundly for long periods of time on end.
Why the stress? Many reasons. Rachel, Parents, Life. All seem to combine into one big ass ball of stress for me. Rachel has gone to Australia for 6 months. 6 months.....! Are you kidding me. That's for ever to not see some one. I realize that I have family that I don't see for that long, but this is somone I've spent a considerable amount of time with, sharing time and experiences and basically our lives with. And now, I have no counterpart to do that with. She left on Friday, and called me when she got to L.A.. Because I had a show that day, I couldn't properly say goodbye to her before she walked in the terminal. So I spent all of my first show, in a deep funk from not getting to be the last to say goodbye and I love you from Chicago. Undoubtedly this affected my ability to play. My head definately was elsewhere, and I messed up huge on one of our songs. I doubt anyone noticed, but the band did, and I was so terrified not to fuck it up for them, that I did just that. We recovered, but now I can remember our first show as my grand fuck up. But this is what the stress can do for me. Like I said, she called me from LA, and I was able to tell her I love you, and that she better call me when she gets to Perth in Australia. Well, I waited and waited and waited and waited. I kept my phone by me constantly, and demanded that all my friends listen just in case I don't hear her techno ring on my shitty polyphonic phone. I waited some more, and began to grow very scared. Again, it got the best of me and I was completely distant at our friends house. As everyone played flippy cup, or attempted to discuss trivial things, I layed looking up at the stars, fear in my heart that something must have happened to her. Only when you care this much about someone do you worry about things like this. I stayed up till about 5:30 waiting from a call from her, and by this time, I knew not what to do. I fell asleep finally, humming the sweet melodic banter of John Cusac and Kate Beckinsale in Serendipity (as it was playing in my room), only to wake up suddenly at 12 to Softcore and Ultimate Brogan and their phone call to get my ass to the pool. So I went and had a great time, but my mind was still on Rachel. No call, no anything. I really started to panic. What if she just didn't care to call me. What if she met some hot guy at her dorm and already had forgot me. What if she just hated my guts and felt a phone call to me was unnecassary. Or what if she was hurt. I don't know what I would do if the last were to happen. I ate dinner with friends, and went over to Brogan's house, and was sitting on my laptop, praying that at some point she would stumble online, and I can finally know that she is ok. Finally at about 11:30 our time, about noon there time, I got word from her on AIM. She got there ok, but can't call home for some reason or another. She wasn't able to call her dad even. She sent him an email. I was so relieved to hear from her, but the news she told me, kind of saddened me. She is miserable there right now. With no one to lean on, and so far from home in a country that is completely different from our own. She lives too far from anything, she can't get a phone, she can't call home, her dorm is scary, and most importantly, she wants me to go there to rescue her there. How can that not just break your heart. Part of me wishes this place to be so intolerable that she ultimately decides to call it quits there, and come back so we can go back to normal, but part of me is so devastated that this misfortune has befell her. This was her dream, and now that she had it, she is miserable. I don't want this to be ruined for her, so the second I heard she was having any trouble, I did research on where she can buy a phone, and exactly how she can call home to me and her dad. I hope she can use it. I want her to just get through this the best she can. But I worry for her, and I have this deep feeling that she is going to find someone far more attractive and smarter and classier then me, with a sweet accent and he's going to take her off her feet. I don't know if I could deal with that at all. Maybe I'm just completely neurotic, but I don't know how to stop these feelings. What is to stop her. They say that sometimes the love of your life can come from nowhere, and just show up. What if it is not me. What if she finds it down there, and then starts just blatantly ignoring me, and I go on with no knowledge of this....I can't handle that at all. I don't do well with cheating, or anything of the sort. This would just be bad news bears for me. She says she will remain faithful, but I can't get the feelings out of my head. This is a huge reason why I'm so stressed, but by far not the only one.
I guess that's all for now. this is why I don't share much feelings.....I talk to much