(no subject)
It was cooler this morning. Yea! That opened up all kinds of possibilities for what to do this morning, or so I thought. That's interesting, my left knee hurts; this is new. Maybe I will take a break from running this morning. I will go wash the car instead...or not, it seems both of my tenants are parked behind me. It is street sweeping day, even if I wake them up, there really isn't any place to put move the cars.
Knees and cars are minor set backs. I will just head straight over to Grams and start on the garage. I might get in an hour or two before it turns into an oven. But it seems the minor frustrations at home (and there were a few I am neglecting to mention) had started a slight case of agitation. When someone feels a small tummy upset, they know better than to scarf down a pastrami sandwich and onion rings from The Hat (actually, they should just know better to do that under any circumstances). But, every now and again, you don't listen to the small, easily drowned out inner-voice shouting at you not to be stupid and you do it anyway, and then you pay.
For me, agitation can work the same way as indigestion. If I am getting vexed by small stuff it can cause agitation. Instead of picking up speed efficiently, I pick up speed and make things worse for myself because my focus is off. I realized that was happening this morning. When I got to Grams I was slightly torqued that the only one doing anything over there is me. I have accepted it, I usually am pretty magnanimous about it, but today it irked me. And the evidence of my parents actually having being there at some point or other just agitated me further because they had done some small, trivial, but annoying things.
With some effort I settled down and went out to the garage to do the tedious task of sorting through parts and tools. So when I realized I had forgotten my headphones, I just calmly locked everything up and scooted back home. When I got home, and realized I had locked myself out (I have misplaced my Gram's set of keys, and the spare set doesn't have a key to my house on it), I didn't explode.
I had my cell phone. I called my folks. I told Dad there was no hurry, but sooner would be better. He said he would be there soon. And I asked him to pick up something rather bulky at my house. He appeared about an hour latter. That's ok. I managed to get lots of tools moved around. Of course, he put what he got from my house (the small fridge from Mom's classroom) directly in the dead center of the living room where I could trip over it. Slow down. Focus. Yes, my toe is in pain. Ignore it. He was also in a snappy mood. And when I asked him about simple things, his answers were terse and grouchy. I kept telling myself, "You know he hates being here. You know this is how he deals with stress. Don't react."
"Do you want to get lunch?" he asks. I could feel my gyroscope really starting to speed up. I wanted to shout: "NO I DON'T WANT TO DEFAULT TO EATING FATTENING FOOD INSTEAD OF DOING WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE" But I opted for, "I don't know, Dad, I'm really getting a lot done this morning. We'll see."
I could tell he wanted to huff and puff about my lunch refusal, instead he snipped at me about not being able to communicate, and then was extremely impatient about other things (because, ya know, I'm so very poky) "Keep steady. Slow down. He hates it here. It brings out the worst in him. All stop! Focus." I kept chanting to myself. I took his keys, hoped on my bicycle, ignored the twinge from my left knee and stubbed toe.
When he showed up a few minutes latter to claim his keys, he asked, "You still haven't found your spare set?"
"Nope"
"That's weird."
"And annoying because the two keys I've had made recently, one at OSH, one at Home Depot, were crappy. And I know that every time my keys disappear for this long I eventually find them some place where only a fuzzy demon could have 'put' them."
"Well, maybe they will appear. Think about lunch."
Yeah, because lunch with my snippy parent when I am already in a bad mood was exactly what would make me feel better. I went back to my big glass of ice water and a computer game. A few minutes latter I hear my father stomp back in. He never knocks! And I can feel that this is probably the last straw, and if he does one more irritating thing I'm going to react and I won't be able to stop it.
"The key-guy was in the parking lot at Superior market and I got this made for you."
...oh... "Thanks Dad, I love you."
Maybe lunch would be ok....maybe. And that is why I keep doing all of this crap. I know how hard it is on him. I know he has many, many flaws. And if he can't do this, he can't do this. I can. And now I have a key, but I think I better go to the donut shop and back so I can test it, just to make sure it works.
.