-shrug-
i torture myself aurally.
i'm not feeling much better this morning. my dreams, while not directly "nightmares," were anything but good. sort of like horrible fears played out... not nice.
the one plus is that john was back in bed by the time i woke up... which meant being pulled around and tucked under his blankets... i don't think i've ever told him how good it feels when he pulls me close to him when i'm sleeping... even better when he's sleeping.
i was pretty hard on him yesterday..
that'll happen on bad days.
maybe today can be a snuggly quiet uneventful day.
...
i doubt it.
but i can hope.
one can always hope.
my throat's being a little pissant. think i'm getting sick. it wouldn't surprise me... i really should stay dressed when i go to sleep. i need to find some good pajama type clothes again.. ones that actually carry some weight.
for some reason i think mike (random element mike, that is) was in my dream last night. probably because last evening when monk was on, i was wondering what he's up to. wonder if he started moving across the map yet.... hope he's doing good.
my family is camping in harper's ferry right now. man... i could really go for camping in gettysburg right now...
i miss home.
i don't miss the stability of not having to be independent (which is often the case when i want to go home)... i miss the feeling of home. that really comfortable feeling... where you can just relax and eat your mashed potatoes... and lay on the floor and snuggle with your dog...
i hope trilby is doing okay this weekend. she's home alone. if she could answer the phone, i might call her. unfortunately i don't think she'd make it up onto the counter in time...
growl.
that wasn't really a growl... it was more of a sigh...
let's remember for a moment, shall we?
i used to stay up to all hours of the night talking to him. it was easy for him then... all of his tripping made him invincable when it came to sleep. wasn't easy for me at all... i struggled to keep my eyes open. i'd been on two hours past the point where my eyes were falling shut despite my protestation. and we'd talk... about nothing... we'd hang out on mIRC and shoot the shit with all of our friends... we always had that dcc open too.
i remember once i gave him a survey because we were bored. a survey about me. i forget what the question was about me... i think it was describe me in so many words or something. john said "charming" ... i don't remember any of the other words he said. i know somewhere else in the survey he said i was beautiful. that was one of the sweetest moments in my life. i keep that one way down deep.
later, when i'd spend my nights out in the office, conversation would end with "love ya. goodnight" (they still do when there's a realization that i'm going to bed) .. and i'd come inside and turn the radio on while i made myself a super summer sandwich and a tall glass of sprite with three ice cubes. and once, when i had had an exceptionally sweet dreamlike night.. one that made me fall in love with john even harder... i heard that dave matthews song. the one i'd adopted as my song for john.... crush...
i remember dancing around as i made my late night dinner... i remember not being able to stop smiling... i remember feeling perfection.
-sigh-
bleh...
when i open my eyes to my reality now i feel like i've been dropped in the middle of someone else's life. i don't feel me... i don't feel her.
i forget myself...
i've changed so much that i don't recognize who i used to be...
... i miss the past.
i miss the pleasant complications of my life...
i miss my adventures...
i miss my friends...
i miss my life.
this is what it feels like to age... i mean i'm literally feeling myself being older right now.
it's like i've been too wrapped up in everything to realize how much i've changed... how old my face has gotten... how different things that are the same have really become.
it's easy to get stuck in this soft little pocket of a comfort zone and let time fly by... live your life like you go to work. try not to think about how much time you've wasted there...
suddenly i've jumped out of the pocket and realized i'm miles away from where i was... and i don't mean in a physical sense.
fuck. dave matthews is too good. i don't know if it's a genetic thing or what (my sister is a big dmb fan)... dave is just like home to me. (i'm sure that's because of my sister) ...
he makes me tired sad and a little weepy right now.
it feels like i've had this window open a heck of a lot longer than forty minutes.
someone from canadia is getting louis armstrong = what a wonderful world from me right now....
i'm too down to play wonder...
although i wonder what ever happened to abe.
he was a character.
-sigh-
i knew so many great people...
what happened to us?
i could count my online friends on one hand now...
hmph.
i quit.
this is too much...
i'm not feeling much better this morning. my dreams, while not directly "nightmares," were anything but good. sort of like horrible fears played out... not nice.
the one plus is that john was back in bed by the time i woke up... which meant being pulled around and tucked under his blankets... i don't think i've ever told him how good it feels when he pulls me close to him when i'm sleeping... even better when he's sleeping.
i was pretty hard on him yesterday..
that'll happen on bad days.
maybe today can be a snuggly quiet uneventful day.
...
i doubt it.
but i can hope.
one can always hope.
my throat's being a little pissant. think i'm getting sick. it wouldn't surprise me... i really should stay dressed when i go to sleep. i need to find some good pajama type clothes again.. ones that actually carry some weight.
for some reason i think mike (random element mike, that is) was in my dream last night. probably because last evening when monk was on, i was wondering what he's up to. wonder if he started moving across the map yet.... hope he's doing good.
my family is camping in harper's ferry right now. man... i could really go for camping in gettysburg right now...
i miss home.
i don't miss the stability of not having to be independent (which is often the case when i want to go home)... i miss the feeling of home. that really comfortable feeling... where you can just relax and eat your mashed potatoes... and lay on the floor and snuggle with your dog...
i hope trilby is doing okay this weekend. she's home alone. if she could answer the phone, i might call her. unfortunately i don't think she'd make it up onto the counter in time...
growl.
that wasn't really a growl... it was more of a sigh...
let's remember for a moment, shall we?
i used to stay up to all hours of the night talking to him. it was easy for him then... all of his tripping made him invincable when it came to sleep. wasn't easy for me at all... i struggled to keep my eyes open. i'd been on two hours past the point where my eyes were falling shut despite my protestation. and we'd talk... about nothing... we'd hang out on mIRC and shoot the shit with all of our friends... we always had that dcc open too.
i remember once i gave him a survey because we were bored. a survey about me. i forget what the question was about me... i think it was describe me in so many words or something. john said "charming" ... i don't remember any of the other words he said. i know somewhere else in the survey he said i was beautiful. that was one of the sweetest moments in my life. i keep that one way down deep.
later, when i'd spend my nights out in the office, conversation would end with "love ya. goodnight" (they still do when there's a realization that i'm going to bed) .. and i'd come inside and turn the radio on while i made myself a super summer sandwich and a tall glass of sprite with three ice cubes. and once, when i had had an exceptionally sweet dreamlike night.. one that made me fall in love with john even harder... i heard that dave matthews song. the one i'd adopted as my song for john.... crush...
i remember dancing around as i made my late night dinner... i remember not being able to stop smiling... i remember feeling perfection.
-sigh-
bleh...
when i open my eyes to my reality now i feel like i've been dropped in the middle of someone else's life. i don't feel me... i don't feel her.
i forget myself...
i've changed so much that i don't recognize who i used to be...
... i miss the past.
i miss the pleasant complications of my life...
i miss my adventures...
i miss my friends...
i miss my life.
this is what it feels like to age... i mean i'm literally feeling myself being older right now.
it's like i've been too wrapped up in everything to realize how much i've changed... how old my face has gotten... how different things that are the same have really become.
it's easy to get stuck in this soft little pocket of a comfort zone and let time fly by... live your life like you go to work. try not to think about how much time you've wasted there...
suddenly i've jumped out of the pocket and realized i'm miles away from where i was... and i don't mean in a physical sense.
fuck. dave matthews is too good. i don't know if it's a genetic thing or what (my sister is a big dmb fan)... dave is just like home to me. (i'm sure that's because of my sister) ...
he makes me tired sad and a little weepy right now.
it feels like i've had this window open a heck of a lot longer than forty minutes.
someone from canadia is getting louis armstrong = what a wonderful world from me right now....
i'm too down to play wonder...
although i wonder what ever happened to abe.
he was a character.
-sigh-
i knew so many great people...
what happened to us?
i could count my online friends on one hand now...
hmph.
i quit.
this is too much...