Ocassionally....
It is okay to let go a little, to stumble after only 2 shots of 99 Oranges and giggle hysterically at things that really are only the tiniest bit funny. To fall down the hall, only to be caught and held onto by the man you love and end up cradled in his arms for the next few hours, holding on to his every word and thinking quietly to yourself that even if everything is far more complicated than you are allowing yourself to realize, it is okay to wear the blinders occasionally to forget only for a few hours about all of the things that worry, upset, scare, and cause you to panic even exist. Because in the moments of sweet ignorance, the reality doesnt feel like it can hurt you.
I have been getting into a depression that I have not been able to shake. Thursday i spent much of the day coiled into brandon's bed, sobbing uncontrollably and trying to figure out just what exactly was wrong, and how to fix it.
Today I woke up in such a state of weariness that I simply could not by any way of logic or ration convince myself that my class was even worth going to. Even as much as I dread sitting in that classroom , i can typically by simply logic and every now and then on a desperate day a pros and cons list, can convince the slacker part of me to go to class. Not today.
Work drown on. It felt like it wasnt going to stop. I felt like my mind couldnt, or wouldnt, wrap around anything i was trying to do.
So i made the decision, I am NOT going to continue to allow myself to do this to my wellbeing over and over again. It is a vicious cycle that is truly pointless. So i took myself to the hair salon after work, i got 5 inches of my wickedly long hair cut off, more in some places. I then went to walmart and got a new outfit with the money brandon gave me. I came home and did my make up, i put on my favorite hat and knee socks, with my pink and black puma shoes with the dangerously long shoe laces and I twirled around to show my Fiance what i had done and he kissed me and told me i was beautiful and the rest of the world melted away from me.
We then added a third member to our party, adam, and we went to the liquer store, which i am not really all that into drinking, if i see canadian mist i automatically go the long way around, and i picked out a schnopps for me to mix with my favorite juice and then went to eat with brandon and adam.
I am a light wieght drinker, I havent done it in so long that it doesnt take much. (for those of you who think i am an alcoholic since i graduated drug court, i would like you to really take a look at yourself before you judge me and remind you that i do not drink often, i do not drink daily, i do not need alcohol and most of the time i choose not to drink because i usually do not feel like it) Today was a drinking day. I had a glass of wine a few days ago with dinner, and i must say that White Zinfandel is my wine, but honestly the one glass had me tipsy. So anyways, i mixed my juice and 99 Oranges, and sat down to talk to the boys, well, about halfway in i started feeling like i did in high school when i had drank FAR FAR more than that and well i finished the drink and i was right drunkish. It was a nice feeling, to let go for a few hours.
I have this crazy, and irrational desire to control EVERYTHING in my surroundings, i want to make everything okay, and it just isnt possible. I just have to know that it will be okay, in the long run and there are things i have no control over.
I apologize for the length of this......i am usually not this long winded, but the alcohol is still kicking a little , but not much. So its like half drunken ramblings, and half exhausted confessions.
I have been getting into a depression that I have not been able to shake. Thursday i spent much of the day coiled into brandon's bed, sobbing uncontrollably and trying to figure out just what exactly was wrong, and how to fix it.
Today I woke up in such a state of weariness that I simply could not by any way of logic or ration convince myself that my class was even worth going to. Even as much as I dread sitting in that classroom , i can typically by simply logic and every now and then on a desperate day a pros and cons list, can convince the slacker part of me to go to class. Not today.
Work drown on. It felt like it wasnt going to stop. I felt like my mind couldnt, or wouldnt, wrap around anything i was trying to do.
So i made the decision, I am NOT going to continue to allow myself to do this to my wellbeing over and over again. It is a vicious cycle that is truly pointless. So i took myself to the hair salon after work, i got 5 inches of my wickedly long hair cut off, more in some places. I then went to walmart and got a new outfit with the money brandon gave me. I came home and did my make up, i put on my favorite hat and knee socks, with my pink and black puma shoes with the dangerously long shoe laces and I twirled around to show my Fiance what i had done and he kissed me and told me i was beautiful and the rest of the world melted away from me.
We then added a third member to our party, adam, and we went to the liquer store, which i am not really all that into drinking, if i see canadian mist i automatically go the long way around, and i picked out a schnopps for me to mix with my favorite juice and then went to eat with brandon and adam.
I am a light wieght drinker, I havent done it in so long that it doesnt take much. (for those of you who think i am an alcoholic since i graduated drug court, i would like you to really take a look at yourself before you judge me and remind you that i do not drink often, i do not drink daily, i do not need alcohol and most of the time i choose not to drink because i usually do not feel like it) Today was a drinking day. I had a glass of wine a few days ago with dinner, and i must say that White Zinfandel is my wine, but honestly the one glass had me tipsy. So anyways, i mixed my juice and 99 Oranges, and sat down to talk to the boys, well, about halfway in i started feeling like i did in high school when i had drank FAR FAR more than that and well i finished the drink and i was right drunkish. It was a nice feeling, to let go for a few hours.
I have this crazy, and irrational desire to control EVERYTHING in my surroundings, i want to make everything okay, and it just isnt possible. I just have to know that it will be okay, in the long run and there are things i have no control over.
I apologize for the length of this......i am usually not this long winded, but the alcohol is still kicking a little , but not much. So its like half drunken ramblings, and half exhausted confessions.