no title
last night, i cried myself to sleep.
i shouldnt have. i was happy. i was sleeping next to jason.
but yesterday i couldnt get nick out of my head.
i talked to anna about it for a minute, but i had to stop before i burst into tears.
i had this thought like... what if it was really a joke. what if i got a phone call from nick today, i could just hear his voice saying "hey magoot its me" and i would be so happy, that i wouldnt even be mad. and i wish that that would happen. i wish that he could be here today. i wish that he could have come in for a facial when i was at school like he promised. i wish that i could see him whenever i wanted. i wish he took me to get a tattoo. i wish hed be my kids god father. i wish i could still smoke blunts with him. i wish i could still wake up with him. and share the mirror with him in the morning. and i wish i could open my eyes at any time in the night and see him sleeping there. hear him sleeping. make food for him. clean up all his stupid gatorade bottles he left unfinished. i wish we still collected our change to buy sacks. i wish we still collected all the blunt tabacco to see how many blunts we go through. and i have so many wishes that will never come true.
i really really really miss him. and its this hole in me that wont ever be filled. he was my best friend. a good friend once put it "christina, he was your emotional boyfriend" and he was. i could talk to him about anything and everything. he was more honest with me than he was with jordan, his best friend of years. one day he straight told me "magoot, you gotta be done with him. for good this time. hes no good for you... " he called me an hour after jordan broke up with me, and told me the truth. sold out his best friend, because he cared so much about me. and i took him sooo forgranted. and i regret it everyday. every fucking day. theres so many things that i would have done differently. but it doesnt even matter, because i cant take it back, i cant change anything. all i can do is just.. live without him. and i dont want to. i dont want to be without my best friend. it hurts so much.
i wish i would have told him that i loved him more. i wish i would have ditched school and drove to his house that friday. i would have made it in time. he would have still been alive. i just wish i could know why. why did he do it? what did he think it would solve? what was he running away from? its just so sad. most of his friends didnt give a shit about him. they were there to do drugs with him. there to make a profit off of him. fucking sick bastards. i really truely believe that i really was his only friend who cared about him. and i wasnt even fucking there the last month of his life. i was the one who called 911 the night he ODed. i was the one who yelled i love you, as they rolled him out of the appartment on the gurney. and i know that he wished he died that night. i know thats what he was trying to achieve. and he did achieve it. he was dead. but they brought him back. i saved his life. and i wish i could have saved him that day he killed himself. ive excepted that i cant change it. that i couldnt save him. that theyre are no "if only... if onlys.."
i dont even know how to cope. i just stay so bottled up inside. and i know thats not good. i know its unhealthy. the only time i ever talk about it is to this stupid thing. i want to get a tattoo for him. something that every time i look at it i smile and think of all the good times that we had. not cry for my sadness and for my loss.
i shouldnt have. i was happy. i was sleeping next to jason.
but yesterday i couldnt get nick out of my head.
i talked to anna about it for a minute, but i had to stop before i burst into tears.
i had this thought like... what if it was really a joke. what if i got a phone call from nick today, i could just hear his voice saying "hey magoot its me" and i would be so happy, that i wouldnt even be mad. and i wish that that would happen. i wish that he could be here today. i wish that he could have come in for a facial when i was at school like he promised. i wish that i could see him whenever i wanted. i wish he took me to get a tattoo. i wish hed be my kids god father. i wish i could still smoke blunts with him. i wish i could still wake up with him. and share the mirror with him in the morning. and i wish i could open my eyes at any time in the night and see him sleeping there. hear him sleeping. make food for him. clean up all his stupid gatorade bottles he left unfinished. i wish we still collected our change to buy sacks. i wish we still collected all the blunt tabacco to see how many blunts we go through. and i have so many wishes that will never come true.
i really really really miss him. and its this hole in me that wont ever be filled. he was my best friend. a good friend once put it "christina, he was your emotional boyfriend" and he was. i could talk to him about anything and everything. he was more honest with me than he was with jordan, his best friend of years. one day he straight told me "magoot, you gotta be done with him. for good this time. hes no good for you... " he called me an hour after jordan broke up with me, and told me the truth. sold out his best friend, because he cared so much about me. and i took him sooo forgranted. and i regret it everyday. every fucking day. theres so many things that i would have done differently. but it doesnt even matter, because i cant take it back, i cant change anything. all i can do is just.. live without him. and i dont want to. i dont want to be without my best friend. it hurts so much.
i wish i would have told him that i loved him more. i wish i would have ditched school and drove to his house that friday. i would have made it in time. he would have still been alive. i just wish i could know why. why did he do it? what did he think it would solve? what was he running away from? its just so sad. most of his friends didnt give a shit about him. they were there to do drugs with him. there to make a profit off of him. fucking sick bastards. i really truely believe that i really was his only friend who cared about him. and i wasnt even fucking there the last month of his life. i was the one who called 911 the night he ODed. i was the one who yelled i love you, as they rolled him out of the appartment on the gurney. and i know that he wished he died that night. i know thats what he was trying to achieve. and he did achieve it. he was dead. but they brought him back. i saved his life. and i wish i could have saved him that day he killed himself. ive excepted that i cant change it. that i couldnt save him. that theyre are no "if only... if onlys.."
i dont even know how to cope. i just stay so bottled up inside. and i know thats not good. i know its unhealthy. the only time i ever talk about it is to this stupid thing. i want to get a tattoo for him. something that every time i look at it i smile and think of all the good times that we had. not cry for my sadness and for my loss.