(no subject)
sometimes i just dont want to live anymore.
i dont think anyone even understands how i feel because i dont even understand it. sometimes i just feel like i have nothing to live for anymore. my "best friend" totally fucked me over. it still upsets me. everyone else just got over it. they hated her for 2 seconds. which is fine. but they cant tell me that i need to get over it. because honestly stacey. you ruined my life. and honestly ryan. you ruined my life more. he was one of the only things i lived for. when i went to bed. when i woke up. through my day. he made me keep going. me and stacey just had a great time. but i just cant forgive them. they hurt me so much i cant even stand it. i would have never thought that something like that would happen to me. esspecially with them. i could get over ashley i could get over jen i could get over amanda. but i cant get over this.
i was talking to caitlyn the other day. and i told her that i wish my parents just stepped out of it because we would have broken up eventually. and she told me what if we broke up and i thought it was my fault and was so upset that i killed myself or soemthing. because right now. i dont even know how im living. i always told myself that i couldnt live wihtout ryan. he is was my life.
i dont even remember the last time i was happy.
lyndsey just pretty much told me that we arnt the same. and that im selfish because i shut everyone out of my life when i found out. because i cant stand the thought of loosing another friend. or another friend hurting me. so all i have now is caitlyn. because she wont hurt me. because we dont have drama. we dont fight. we dont go after the same guys. none of that. because shes there for me. becasue im there for her. because i dont have to be someone im not around her. because everything. she is my best friend. and i am so thankful for that.
i dont even try anymore. i dont get ready in the morning like i used to. i barly even talk to people. i mean.. whats the point. why should i make friends when im not even going to see them after highschool? id rather have a few best friends that i see through college and after. then fake shit with people who i never see after graduation except maybe at partys and stuff.
i dont see the ppoint in waking up in the morning adn doing my hair and makeup when the people that look at me will never get the chance to know me. i dont want to waste my days away getting fucked up and being fake. ive been sober for 21 days.
im just surprised i didnt get into harder drugs just to escape. those nights when no amount of alcohol or weed could make it go away. just makes me lonley as shit.
caitlyn told me that she wishes i never met ryan. because yeah i took in alot of good. but i took in so much more bad. im like... scared to get close to people now. because im scared of what will happen next. someones always tried to go for my exes. with wayne it was kessley and lyndsey. with ryan it was aubrey stacey amanda... with wayne i thought maybe if hes ugly enough no one will go for him. but that didn twork. with ryan it was like. i dotn know. he dosnt go for younge girls. im just the exception. he dosnt know anyone that i know. but i let some people in. my friends. that i thought would never do that to me. but i was wrong. i trust people too easily.
ive been talking to this kid mike. hes rad. hes chris callas little brother. hes funny as hell. he said something tonight that made me laugh so hard. he said something like " i was an agg nazi" and i dont know it was just funny.
then aubrey was talking about her electric toothbrush. that made me laugh too.
its not that im totally depressed or anything. its just. im not HAPPY. sure im happy.. but i dont know. does anyone follow?.
i dont think anyone even understands how i feel because i dont even understand it. sometimes i just feel like i have nothing to live for anymore. my "best friend" totally fucked me over. it still upsets me. everyone else just got over it. they hated her for 2 seconds. which is fine. but they cant tell me that i need to get over it. because honestly stacey. you ruined my life. and honestly ryan. you ruined my life more. he was one of the only things i lived for. when i went to bed. when i woke up. through my day. he made me keep going. me and stacey just had a great time. but i just cant forgive them. they hurt me so much i cant even stand it. i would have never thought that something like that would happen to me. esspecially with them. i could get over ashley i could get over jen i could get over amanda. but i cant get over this.
i was talking to caitlyn the other day. and i told her that i wish my parents just stepped out of it because we would have broken up eventually. and she told me what if we broke up and i thought it was my fault and was so upset that i killed myself or soemthing. because right now. i dont even know how im living. i always told myself that i couldnt live wihtout ryan. he is was my life.
i dont even remember the last time i was happy.
lyndsey just pretty much told me that we arnt the same. and that im selfish because i shut everyone out of my life when i found out. because i cant stand the thought of loosing another friend. or another friend hurting me. so all i have now is caitlyn. because she wont hurt me. because we dont have drama. we dont fight. we dont go after the same guys. none of that. because shes there for me. becasue im there for her. because i dont have to be someone im not around her. because everything. she is my best friend. and i am so thankful for that.
i dont even try anymore. i dont get ready in the morning like i used to. i barly even talk to people. i mean.. whats the point. why should i make friends when im not even going to see them after highschool? id rather have a few best friends that i see through college and after. then fake shit with people who i never see after graduation except maybe at partys and stuff.
i dont see the ppoint in waking up in the morning adn doing my hair and makeup when the people that look at me will never get the chance to know me. i dont want to waste my days away getting fucked up and being fake. ive been sober for 21 days.
im just surprised i didnt get into harder drugs just to escape. those nights when no amount of alcohol or weed could make it go away. just makes me lonley as shit.
caitlyn told me that she wishes i never met ryan. because yeah i took in alot of good. but i took in so much more bad. im like... scared to get close to people now. because im scared of what will happen next. someones always tried to go for my exes. with wayne it was kessley and lyndsey. with ryan it was aubrey stacey amanda... with wayne i thought maybe if hes ugly enough no one will go for him. but that didn twork. with ryan it was like. i dotn know. he dosnt go for younge girls. im just the exception. he dosnt know anyone that i know. but i let some people in. my friends. that i thought would never do that to me. but i was wrong. i trust people too easily.
ive been talking to this kid mike. hes rad. hes chris callas little brother. hes funny as hell. he said something tonight that made me laugh so hard. he said something like " i was an agg nazi" and i dont know it was just funny.
then aubrey was talking about her electric toothbrush. that made me laugh too.
its not that im totally depressed or anything. its just. im not HAPPY. sure im happy.. but i dont know. does anyone follow?.