If you need a hand, look at the end of your own arm
Week 11
Hands fingers toes gerard we need them all
if you need a hand, don't look to me
Loving someone
Is in loving them
In the morning
When they’ve got
That prickly morning
Facial hair
Time
We ask for more
Beg even, when we think it will help
But we are never given enough
Or rather we are, but we don’t use it in such a way that it works properly
That old saying “Never put off until tomorrow something you can do today”
It is completely right do it now, here
So that once the time runs out you aren’t scrambling
Scrambling to put last minute touches on a make or break project
Scrambling to put up the shot that decides the difference between win or lose
Scrambling to tell stories that you had years to tell
Scrambling to say good-bye.
You walk by slowly
You don’t notice me
You don’t remember how much you meant to me
Perhaps you never knew
You walk by slowly and smile as you catch my eye
I know that you do not recognize me
You were always friendly and kind
And I smile back
As yet another sorrowful piece of my heart
Breaks away to trail back to you
But you don’t really notice me
And you surely don’t remember me
Go ahead and paint me on the wall
It’s not like you care anyway
It’s not like it matters either
Give up the ghost honey
We just couldn’t cut it
We just weren’t meant to sing, “When I said I do”
Because we obviously didn’t
So go on back to her
And I’ll go on back to him
And we’ll pretend we never meant a thing to one another
Because you and I are pro’s at that game of life
Who doesn’t want to feel like a teenage girl
Every time they fall in love
That teenage girl feels on top of the world
That teenage girl “knows” that it will last forever
Who doesn’t want that kind of faith in love?
Who wants to fell jaded to the core?
Not I
Call me a fool
Call me an idiot
But call me happy as well
How’s it feel
To always know
That you will always
Feel more for them
Then they ever will for you
It sucks but you deal
It’s like your starving but every once in a while some one offers a meal
It burns but you add aloe to fight it
It kills slowly but you breathe in spite
You say that I deserve to be the first in somebody’s heart
But I just can’t take that position in yours
But honey I know that I’d rather be second
Or even third or fourth in your heart
Than first in anyone else’s heart
Because yours is the one that matters to me
And really I know better than to bank on what I deserve
I have yet to get anything I deserve
Why change the dice halfway through the game
I could seem to find them in any of the places I looked
I know I had left them in the dish by door as I always do
But now they were not there.
I thought perhaps on the counter by the microwave
For that is right where I went as soon as I got home this afternoon
But alas no keys were to be spotted there upon the counter.
Maybe in the small pockets of the slacks I had worn to work today
But no after having sorted through all my laundry
Those tiny pockets were as keyless as the dish and microwave before them.
I searched and hunted for those damnable keys
My purse and school bags were dumped
And sorted thoroughly in search of those tiny metal openers
And nonetheless those places I looked were keyless.
I moved the goddamn couch for god’s sake
But still those damn keys were not to be found in any place I looked.
But why there in my own hand were those forsaken keys
Why oh why had I continued to look after I had found them?
Why did I need them to not be in the last place I looked?
So much more stress was added to my day for all that extra fruitless searching.
You are very odd baby
But that’s okay
Because I’m even
We’ll be quite a pair.
I miss people sitting right next to me
Here but gone forever
Dead and loved and remembered but sitting smiling talking
Truly the worst feeling I’ve ever felt
The matting butterflies are attaching my insides
I run for the door a thousand and one eyes on me
I wasn’t left behind so much as I choose to stay
In a place of happiness even if I’m the only occupant
I watch those that I once held secrets with and know
That they will never revisit those memories
And hold them within their tight grasp again
So I will remember for us all
They say we all change as the years wash over us
But really I haven’t
No one notices because they still compare me with themselves
I haven’t changed from my old self
Only from them and their new selves
But I do not condemn them
I only miss them the one’s who’s ghosts
Haunt my waking moments as well as my dreams
The title reads “Rock Star Dead”
But I read it as Son lost forever
Brother never coming home
Homework Hero never to battle ignorance again
And suddenly it is
Less entertainment
And more sadness for someone I don’t know
Sadness for someone I wish I could have met
But it is too late now
And time movies on
You live in the “light”
And I can’t handle that
I’m a night person myself
Living in the shadow of happiness
And basking in the glow
Of mediocrity,
But that is okay for both of us
You live in your light and I
Will gently praise you after dark
Boy folds in half
Ball rolls away
Adonis plays again
Reality is overrated anyway.
The best feeling
Destroying you
Extreme happiness
Regretted until
Experienced again
I walked away from happiness once again
But at the very least it was me walking away
I watch as beauty steals my happiness away again
I nod in approval as she checks that this is fine
It is better that beauty is with him
He deserves the best and that is what she is
Once again I scream to the heavens he should have been mine
But he’s not
I gave up that right
What to do
When even
The best advise
Is a failure
Waiting to happen?
Take it anyway
And pray
For the best
Out come
And hope to god that
No one dies
In the process
Soaking wet
But still alive
Still happy
Still going to make it
As long as you don’t get your self killed
You will be all right kid
God I’ve got such a headache
And looking at you sure as hell
Doesn’t make it any better
I just want a ten-minute emo break
Shut the door, close the blinds
And let me cry
Say goodbye
My inner emo is screaming for a lift
Into the dark heavens that exist on the plane above us
I miss being sad with you
When the sky was falling
And you would raise me up
Above the wreckage
That once was a life
I’m dieing to live
And ready to kill you for it
We’ll roll the stone down the hill
And hope to god that it doesn’t hit anyone
Because really I don’t think that
“Death by stone rolled down hill by country bumpkins”
Sounds like the best paper headline of the day
Looking at you makes my brain hurt
And not in a good way
A grove of tree-like lights
We’d lie in the middle
If only we could see the stars
Expect skirts
And ruffled shirts
Truffles and ruffles
Lies and dies
But never goodbyes
We promise that we miss you
But not enough to want to save you
I cannot find a key
But that may be
Because there is no heart
You are never to old to go to space camp
Whispered giggles give purpose
I love people who trip
They give me a chance
To check that my shoes are tied
Is it sad that I miss people who don’t care?
Probably but that is okay
I’m a sad person besides all that
Would it be all right if I poked you in the eye with a stick?
I’ll promise that it will only hurt until it doesn’t anymore.
Although I’m sure
You’d much rather not
I think that you should
Take that jump
Maybe off a small cliff
Not enough to kill you
Only enough to break
Almost all the bones
In your entire body
It could be fun
Not so much for you
But really just for me.
You’d go back if you could
You can’t though and
That is why you say you wouldn’t
You don’t want to think
About something so far
Out of your controlling grasp
Life is going
To hand you lemons
Honey
It truly is,
So don’t think you’ll be exempt
Because no one ever
Gets away from
The stinging burn in their eyes
So when those damnable
Yellow mini-footballs are handed to you
Quietly wait until they turn their backs
And hurl them back with all your might
I have no foolish dreams of “making it”
I only want to live
But perhaps even that is too foolish a dream for me
Sad thoughts compound around me
Threatening to break down the weak walls
Of defense I have built in attempts to defend
Myself against the world
But don’t worry they weren’t working anyway
If I can convince myself that this
Is happiness
I’ll be able to get through
The many similar
Days that lie before me
I want to convince myself that this
Is happiness
So that I wont be disappointed
When it never gets better
I would rather be beaten into the ground
Then endure another moment of your truth
Memories can flash like a film without sound
Rather than hear the painlessly delivered “I don’t love you”
Have my life truly fade into nothingness
Rather than to live on in nothingness
It would break my mother’s heart to learn
That I have no intentions of ever getting married
I know better than to believe that I could ever live that life
I would kill me self for sure
As it is, alone I am barely making it by
Time is of everything
Important
Only to those that cannot hold it
Animals bugs trees plants and that such
They are safe
From the scrutiny of
The ever-important time
I’m not okay
But they swear
I’ll survive
How unfortunate
That they hate me that much
It is good that my childhood
Was happy and innocently filled.
Never time to hade and misunderstand
Filled only with the here and now
Never time for the out side world.
But now I live in that outside world
I never wanted to leave you know
I was made content with my small, filled world
I miss you
I’ve pulled in a thousand different directions
I can’t seem to find myself
The pieces that were worth anything are long gone now
Taken by the wind to the ends of this forsaken place
And blown beyond, perhaps to places
Where happiness still reigns over
Like these fat sad clouds do her
Even the beauty is sad here
Rain falls to flowers and down them
In tear streaks much like the ones that have
Forgotten me.
Rain, rain, go away
Come back again some day
When I am strong
When I can do no wrong
I still hope against hope
That I will make you proud
You say that you support me
One hundred and ten percent
But I can see and hear the disappointment
I hear you call her
And I hear you tell her about accomplishment
I’ve not achieved nor ever tried for
But you must have something to hold over her
Something to gain the final win
But what happens when in the end
I don’t produce the prestigious ‘W’
When only that tall, lonely ‘L’ stands
In the record books for all to see
I guess that disappointment
In your voice and looks is a small gift
Preparation for what is to come
Thank God for small favors
What if by some chance
(Yes I know it is only a chance)
I’m not good enough
I’m not the best
Not the worst
But most of all, most of all
I’m just not good enough?
Do we walk away from
Dreams, plans, hopes
Each other?
To what do we move onto
Or will we not be a we anymore
Will we be a you and an I
Spit with great distain
From the lips of the only person whose opinion matters?
Probably, but you know what they say
Thank God for small Favors
I miss you
I miss you like I miss the fucking air
When I’m trying to drown myself in the bathtub
Because I never had you in the first damn place
That boy whose face is haunting me in the worst of best possible ways
Okay he is cute
He passed me in the hall about half an hour ago and smiled
How odd
No one smiles at me
But he did and a slight nod
I come up to his shoulder
He has wonderful dark hair
It is very short
Which normally is a big no, no for me
But somehow it just works for him
He is in the hall at the moment
I can hear him
Thank you roomie for leaving the door part way open
We have a class together
I can honestly say that I stare at him all during class
Normally I just look ahead right at the board
He just slightly to the left of strait ahead
Why can't I fall for someone whose name I know
But no I have to pick him and his red wrestling shirts
Toned body and soft smile
I sound like a love sick teenie
I missed those years when they were suppose to be happening to me
That does not give them the right to come back and bite me in the ass now
You said that I would look back at that single moment of definition and regret my choice
But the truth is I look at it with the utmost relieve
Relieve that I did not betray myself to my deepest weakness and fear
But really I can see how it might have turned out differently
I can respect that it might have changed my life for the better
But I know that it wouldn’t have and respect myself more for the choices I made
Choosing to exile myself for myself respect rather than weakening for your ideals
I wish on shooting stars
I pray to God himself
I’m preparing an alter
That that stupid irritating
Beautiful, funny, inspiring
Boy will just come to me
Will come and hold me
Hold me and kiss me
Like he means it profoundly
But he won’t, because
Honestly we don’t live
In fairytales,
No matter
How beautiful they are
No matter how many
Shooting stars
Or prayers or altars
We are still stuck here
In the real, magic-less world
I hate, absolutely hate love
No that is not quite right
I absolutely hate falling in love
There that is better
I mean you can go all your life
Without ever hearing their laugh
Or seeing their smile
Or listening to their deepest thoughts
But that moment comes
And you don’t want to survive,
I mean you can’t really call it living can you,
Without listening to them speak
Or seeing their many faces
And it sucks right
Because you could have lasted
Until your dieing days
Coasted until the end and never felt it
But no you get to be hit in the gut with a sledgehammer
Because this, this here, it matters,
Like nothing else ever has or ever will
And it is inescapable
You don’t get to look away
You have to feel that every day
For the rest of your life
Or it is all meaningless
Because you know
You know in the deepest part of your gut
That for just that piece of time
You held it
It was yours
The person who said
“Tis better to have loved and lost,
Then never to have loved at all.”
May, may, have know what he was talking about
Or may have been a sadistic bastard
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Are you happy mom?
You silly girl I love you.
Years later
You never answered the question though.
What? What question?
I asked you if you were happy. And all you’d ever give me was a “you silly boy I love you.” That’s not an answer you know. Are you or were you happy mom?
I love you is the only answer I’ve got. Happiness is insignificant to my love.
So you weren’t happy then?
By definition happiness is feeling pleasure, contentment, or joy. I suppose that I was content, but happiness just doesn’t seem like an appropriate appointment of feeling for my life. However I most certainly was not unhappy.
Why can’t you just say yes?
Because it just doesn’t feel right.
Why do you answer with I love you?
Because it always feels like I don’t get enough chances to say it.
Hands fingers toes gerard we need them all
if you need a hand, don't look to me
Loving someone
Is in loving them
In the morning
When they’ve got
That prickly morning
Facial hair
Time
We ask for more
Beg even, when we think it will help
But we are never given enough
Or rather we are, but we don’t use it in such a way that it works properly
That old saying “Never put off until tomorrow something you can do today”
It is completely right do it now, here
So that once the time runs out you aren’t scrambling
Scrambling to put last minute touches on a make or break project
Scrambling to put up the shot that decides the difference between win or lose
Scrambling to tell stories that you had years to tell
Scrambling to say good-bye.
You walk by slowly
You don’t notice me
You don’t remember how much you meant to me
Perhaps you never knew
You walk by slowly and smile as you catch my eye
I know that you do not recognize me
You were always friendly and kind
And I smile back
As yet another sorrowful piece of my heart
Breaks away to trail back to you
But you don’t really notice me
And you surely don’t remember me
Go ahead and paint me on the wall
It’s not like you care anyway
It’s not like it matters either
Give up the ghost honey
We just couldn’t cut it
We just weren’t meant to sing, “When I said I do”
Because we obviously didn’t
So go on back to her
And I’ll go on back to him
And we’ll pretend we never meant a thing to one another
Because you and I are pro’s at that game of life
Who doesn’t want to feel like a teenage girl
Every time they fall in love
That teenage girl feels on top of the world
That teenage girl “knows” that it will last forever
Who doesn’t want that kind of faith in love?
Who wants to fell jaded to the core?
Not I
Call me a fool
Call me an idiot
But call me happy as well
How’s it feel
To always know
That you will always
Feel more for them
Then they ever will for you
It sucks but you deal
It’s like your starving but every once in a while some one offers a meal
It burns but you add aloe to fight it
It kills slowly but you breathe in spite
You say that I deserve to be the first in somebody’s heart
But I just can’t take that position in yours
But honey I know that I’d rather be second
Or even third or fourth in your heart
Than first in anyone else’s heart
Because yours is the one that matters to me
And really I know better than to bank on what I deserve
I have yet to get anything I deserve
Why change the dice halfway through the game
I could seem to find them in any of the places I looked
I know I had left them in the dish by door as I always do
But now they were not there.
I thought perhaps on the counter by the microwave
For that is right where I went as soon as I got home this afternoon
But alas no keys were to be spotted there upon the counter.
Maybe in the small pockets of the slacks I had worn to work today
But no after having sorted through all my laundry
Those tiny pockets were as keyless as the dish and microwave before them.
I searched and hunted for those damnable keys
My purse and school bags were dumped
And sorted thoroughly in search of those tiny metal openers
And nonetheless those places I looked were keyless.
I moved the goddamn couch for god’s sake
But still those damn keys were not to be found in any place I looked.
But why there in my own hand were those forsaken keys
Why oh why had I continued to look after I had found them?
Why did I need them to not be in the last place I looked?
So much more stress was added to my day for all that extra fruitless searching.
You are very odd baby
But that’s okay
Because I’m even
We’ll be quite a pair.
I miss people sitting right next to me
Here but gone forever
Dead and loved and remembered but sitting smiling talking
Truly the worst feeling I’ve ever felt
The matting butterflies are attaching my insides
I run for the door a thousand and one eyes on me
I wasn’t left behind so much as I choose to stay
In a place of happiness even if I’m the only occupant
I watch those that I once held secrets with and know
That they will never revisit those memories
And hold them within their tight grasp again
So I will remember for us all
They say we all change as the years wash over us
But really I haven’t
No one notices because they still compare me with themselves
I haven’t changed from my old self
Only from them and their new selves
But I do not condemn them
I only miss them the one’s who’s ghosts
Haunt my waking moments as well as my dreams
The title reads “Rock Star Dead”
But I read it as Son lost forever
Brother never coming home
Homework Hero never to battle ignorance again
And suddenly it is
Less entertainment
And more sadness for someone I don’t know
Sadness for someone I wish I could have met
But it is too late now
And time movies on
You live in the “light”
And I can’t handle that
I’m a night person myself
Living in the shadow of happiness
And basking in the glow
Of mediocrity,
But that is okay for both of us
You live in your light and I
Will gently praise you after dark
Boy folds in half
Ball rolls away
Adonis plays again
Reality is overrated anyway.
The best feeling
Destroying you
Extreme happiness
Regretted until
Experienced again
I walked away from happiness once again
But at the very least it was me walking away
I watch as beauty steals my happiness away again
I nod in approval as she checks that this is fine
It is better that beauty is with him
He deserves the best and that is what she is
Once again I scream to the heavens he should have been mine
But he’s not
I gave up that right
What to do
When even
The best advise
Is a failure
Waiting to happen?
Take it anyway
And pray
For the best
Out come
And hope to god that
No one dies
In the process
Soaking wet
But still alive
Still happy
Still going to make it
As long as you don’t get your self killed
You will be all right kid
God I’ve got such a headache
And looking at you sure as hell
Doesn’t make it any better
I just want a ten-minute emo break
Shut the door, close the blinds
And let me cry
Say goodbye
My inner emo is screaming for a lift
Into the dark heavens that exist on the plane above us
I miss being sad with you
When the sky was falling
And you would raise me up
Above the wreckage
That once was a life
I’m dieing to live
And ready to kill you for it
We’ll roll the stone down the hill
And hope to god that it doesn’t hit anyone
Because really I don’t think that
“Death by stone rolled down hill by country bumpkins”
Sounds like the best paper headline of the day
Looking at you makes my brain hurt
And not in a good way
A grove of tree-like lights
We’d lie in the middle
If only we could see the stars
Expect skirts
And ruffled shirts
Truffles and ruffles
Lies and dies
But never goodbyes
We promise that we miss you
But not enough to want to save you
I cannot find a key
But that may be
Because there is no heart
You are never to old to go to space camp
Whispered giggles give purpose
I love people who trip
They give me a chance
To check that my shoes are tied
Is it sad that I miss people who don’t care?
Probably but that is okay
I’m a sad person besides all that
Would it be all right if I poked you in the eye with a stick?
I’ll promise that it will only hurt until it doesn’t anymore.
Although I’m sure
You’d much rather not
I think that you should
Take that jump
Maybe off a small cliff
Not enough to kill you
Only enough to break
Almost all the bones
In your entire body
It could be fun
Not so much for you
But really just for me.
You’d go back if you could
You can’t though and
That is why you say you wouldn’t
You don’t want to think
About something so far
Out of your controlling grasp
Life is going
To hand you lemons
Honey
It truly is,
So don’t think you’ll be exempt
Because no one ever
Gets away from
The stinging burn in their eyes
So when those damnable
Yellow mini-footballs are handed to you
Quietly wait until they turn their backs
And hurl them back with all your might
I have no foolish dreams of “making it”
I only want to live
But perhaps even that is too foolish a dream for me
Sad thoughts compound around me
Threatening to break down the weak walls
Of defense I have built in attempts to defend
Myself against the world
But don’t worry they weren’t working anyway
If I can convince myself that this
Is happiness
I’ll be able to get through
The many similar
Days that lie before me
I want to convince myself that this
Is happiness
So that I wont be disappointed
When it never gets better
I would rather be beaten into the ground
Then endure another moment of your truth
Memories can flash like a film without sound
Rather than hear the painlessly delivered “I don’t love you”
Have my life truly fade into nothingness
Rather than to live on in nothingness
It would break my mother’s heart to learn
That I have no intentions of ever getting married
I know better than to believe that I could ever live that life
I would kill me self for sure
As it is, alone I am barely making it by
Time is of everything
Important
Only to those that cannot hold it
Animals bugs trees plants and that such
They are safe
From the scrutiny of
The ever-important time
I’m not okay
But they swear
I’ll survive
How unfortunate
That they hate me that much
It is good that my childhood
Was happy and innocently filled.
Never time to hade and misunderstand
Filled only with the here and now
Never time for the out side world.
But now I live in that outside world
I never wanted to leave you know
I was made content with my small, filled world
I miss you
I’ve pulled in a thousand different directions
I can’t seem to find myself
The pieces that were worth anything are long gone now
Taken by the wind to the ends of this forsaken place
And blown beyond, perhaps to places
Where happiness still reigns over
Like these fat sad clouds do her
Even the beauty is sad here
Rain falls to flowers and down them
In tear streaks much like the ones that have
Forgotten me.
Rain, rain, go away
Come back again some day
When I am strong
When I can do no wrong
I still hope against hope
That I will make you proud
You say that you support me
One hundred and ten percent
But I can see and hear the disappointment
I hear you call her
And I hear you tell her about accomplishment
I’ve not achieved nor ever tried for
But you must have something to hold over her
Something to gain the final win
But what happens when in the end
I don’t produce the prestigious ‘W’
When only that tall, lonely ‘L’ stands
In the record books for all to see
I guess that disappointment
In your voice and looks is a small gift
Preparation for what is to come
Thank God for small favors
What if by some chance
(Yes I know it is only a chance)
I’m not good enough
I’m not the best
Not the worst
But most of all, most of all
I’m just not good enough?
Do we walk away from
Dreams, plans, hopes
Each other?
To what do we move onto
Or will we not be a we anymore
Will we be a you and an I
Spit with great distain
From the lips of the only person whose opinion matters?
Probably, but you know what they say
Thank God for small Favors
I miss you
I miss you like I miss the fucking air
When I’m trying to drown myself in the bathtub
Because I never had you in the first damn place
That boy whose face is haunting me in the worst of best possible ways
Okay he is cute
He passed me in the hall about half an hour ago and smiled
How odd
No one smiles at me
But he did and a slight nod
I come up to his shoulder
He has wonderful dark hair
It is very short
Which normally is a big no, no for me
But somehow it just works for him
He is in the hall at the moment
I can hear him
Thank you roomie for leaving the door part way open
We have a class together
I can honestly say that I stare at him all during class
Normally I just look ahead right at the board
He just slightly to the left of strait ahead
Why can't I fall for someone whose name I know
But no I have to pick him and his red wrestling shirts
Toned body and soft smile
I sound like a love sick teenie
I missed those years when they were suppose to be happening to me
That does not give them the right to come back and bite me in the ass now
You said that I would look back at that single moment of definition and regret my choice
But the truth is I look at it with the utmost relieve
Relieve that I did not betray myself to my deepest weakness and fear
But really I can see how it might have turned out differently
I can respect that it might have changed my life for the better
But I know that it wouldn’t have and respect myself more for the choices I made
Choosing to exile myself for myself respect rather than weakening for your ideals
I wish on shooting stars
I pray to God himself
I’m preparing an alter
That that stupid irritating
Beautiful, funny, inspiring
Boy will just come to me
Will come and hold me
Hold me and kiss me
Like he means it profoundly
But he won’t, because
Honestly we don’t live
In fairytales,
No matter
How beautiful they are
No matter how many
Shooting stars
Or prayers or altars
We are still stuck here
In the real, magic-less world
I hate, absolutely hate love
No that is not quite right
I absolutely hate falling in love
There that is better
I mean you can go all your life
Without ever hearing their laugh
Or seeing their smile
Or listening to their deepest thoughts
But that moment comes
And you don’t want to survive,
I mean you can’t really call it living can you,
Without listening to them speak
Or seeing their many faces
And it sucks right
Because you could have lasted
Until your dieing days
Coasted until the end and never felt it
But no you get to be hit in the gut with a sledgehammer
Because this, this here, it matters,
Like nothing else ever has or ever will
And it is inescapable
You don’t get to look away
You have to feel that every day
For the rest of your life
Or it is all meaningless
Because you know
You know in the deepest part of your gut
That for just that piece of time
You held it
It was yours
The person who said
“Tis better to have loved and lost,
Then never to have loved at all.”
May, may, have know what he was talking about
Or may have been a sadistic bastard
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Are you happy mom?
You silly girl I love you.
Years later
You never answered the question though.
What? What question?
I asked you if you were happy. And all you’d ever give me was a “you silly boy I love you.” That’s not an answer you know. Are you or were you happy mom?
I love you is the only answer I’ve got. Happiness is insignificant to my love.
So you weren’t happy then?
By definition happiness is feeling pleasure, contentment, or joy. I suppose that I was content, but happiness just doesn’t seem like an appropriate appointment of feeling for my life. However I most certainly was not unhappy.
Why can’t you just say yes?
Because it just doesn’t feel right.
Why do you answer with I love you?
Because it always feels like I don’t get enough chances to say it.