I feel this is the best way to do this..
Yes I know, Livejournal really isn't the way to go, however, I'm best at writing when it comes to issues I have, so here it is.
I went over to Deriks house yesterday to see him and Dan. Things were mentioned to me that made me feel like a terrible friend. I know I'm a bad friend and I'm sorry for that. I tend to not call people and ask if they would like to hang out. When they call me to hang out I either say no or proceed to say yes to them and then back out when the time comes to see them. Or I just don't hang out with them for long.
There are times that we hang out all the time and then there are times that we don't see eachother for months. That's how I am with everyone so if you think it's just you, you're wrong.
Yesterday I went to Dan and Deriks baseball game. I knew Muffles was going to be there since he also plays on the team but I didn't think he would talk to me. However, when I was sitting in the stands he came up to talk to me. He gave me a hug and we talked for a few minutes and that was that. It was a little awkward but not as bad as I thought it was going to be. It was just like old friends seeing eachother again.
Then Megan came to the game since Josh plays on the team. This is what I was most worried about. I didn't know whether or not I should talk to her but when she came and saw me and avoided me I knew then that she wanted nothing to do with me. I'm ok with that since that's her choice and I need to accept that. If she would have come talk to me I would have been civil and friendly. I'm not about to be a bitch about anything. I don't see the point.
Alex and Nancy soon showed up. I was really happy to see Alex. Nancy and I connected very quickly and talked about a lot of things. We shared the same opinions on certain things and it turned out to be quite nice talking to her. She's a very sweet girl.
Kristine and Kendra then showed up at the game. It was fine until the game was over and everyone went over to the dugouts. Alex and Nancy were leaving and I decided to leave as well to get some food and so my mom could take me grocery shopping. I walked up to Derik and Dan with Alex and Nancy and Kristine and Kendra were there talking to them. Kendra waved to me so I waved back. I didn't say hi, I didn't even aknowledge Kristine. I figure why pretend we're friends and there's nothing wrong between us. Let's face it, we are no longer friends. We have grown apart, we have diffrent interests, and we all have changed (such as be supposedly being a cold hearted bitch and if this is true, you should have confronted me). I have quite a few issues with all of that but I'm not going to go into detail on that subject. Just know there are reasons why I stopped hanging out with you. Mainly it was diffrent intrests and I felt like I no longer belonged in the little circle of friends.
There is only one person I would like to get my friendship back with. I take that back, there are two people. I'm not sure how I'm going to go about doing so or if I'm even going to try.
Like Megan said in here entry, maybe it's best to just move on. It has seemed to work lately. Though I do miss some of the fun times we shared together.
Though with one of those friends I was betrayed immensely. I honestly had no problem with it, however, it was still a betrayal none the less. Maybe I did the same thing to you but it was extremely diffrent in my case. Though maybe you don't see it in that way. But I know how you are so you might think it was the same exact thing.
I'm pretty it's over between us and we won't talk again, atleast not for a very long time. I tried to talk to you but you wouldn't have it. Maybe we should just give it up and not try it again. It obviously hasn't worked out in the past as well as we hoped it always would have, so why continue with the insanity.
In fact, it's to the point that all I see in our "friendship" is Drew and I. It was amazing, but as time passed and we changed, we grew apart and fought all the time. Then would get back together and end up breaking up again. We did that four times. If it hasn't worked out yet, it never will.
We all have changed too much. For those of you that can keep being friends, congragulations and good luck with that.
My dad always told me that you will go through many friends during your life and you'll end up with only a few good friends in the end. I don't think the last part is very true. I've had so many friends from moving and switching schools but I will never see any of them after that's over with. The friends I have had stick by me since I've lived in Michigan are quickly going away. I honestly don't have any good friends that I see all the time and share everything with. I now have one. This person is amazing and I know will be there for me regardless. Now that I think about it, two more people would do the same I'm sure. And one of those people I'm not even friends with now. I guess that does say something about the person.
Anyways, this entry is basically for me to get some things off my chest, somewhat apologize for being a bad friend, doing shitty things to you, and hopeing that you'll forgive me. I'm not asking for friendship, I just want forgivness. Or maybe even a phone call.
Moving on.
My dad had to come to troy last night to get my money for gas since I was driving on empty for a half hour or more. Luckily I had been with Kendra so many times when she had no gas I wasn't too worried. Just frusterated. I felt so aweful for having my dad leave his Fiance's house just go come give me some money because I'm a retard and can't get my lazy ass off the couch and get a job. He shouldn't have to be inconvenienced for my lack of responsibilty.
Most parents would yell at their kid and tell them to get a job, this and that. But all my dad could tell me was how much he loved me and how proud of me he is. Which made me feel even worse because I am not much to be proud of. I'm not finishing High School on time, I've fucked up a lot, I take advantage of my mom and dad when it comes to money. I lie to them, I hide things from them and I only see them when I need something for the most part. I'm 18, I should have a job and not mooch off my parents especially when my mom doesn't have a lot of money, my dad is trying to sell his house and plan a wedding. I should learn to take care of myself and pay for things on my own. And when it comes to my cigarettes and food and where I live, I feel even worse. I don't pay for anything. I should. I really should. And yet, even though I realize all of this, I still don't go out and find a job, I still just sit on my ass waiting for something to come along. I always have an excuse as to why I don't do something. Maybe I should just suck it up and do it.
I'm done.
I went over to Deriks house yesterday to see him and Dan. Things were mentioned to me that made me feel like a terrible friend. I know I'm a bad friend and I'm sorry for that. I tend to not call people and ask if they would like to hang out. When they call me to hang out I either say no or proceed to say yes to them and then back out when the time comes to see them. Or I just don't hang out with them for long.
There are times that we hang out all the time and then there are times that we don't see eachother for months. That's how I am with everyone so if you think it's just you, you're wrong.
Yesterday I went to Dan and Deriks baseball game. I knew Muffles was going to be there since he also plays on the team but I didn't think he would talk to me. However, when I was sitting in the stands he came up to talk to me. He gave me a hug and we talked for a few minutes and that was that. It was a little awkward but not as bad as I thought it was going to be. It was just like old friends seeing eachother again.
Then Megan came to the game since Josh plays on the team. This is what I was most worried about. I didn't know whether or not I should talk to her but when she came and saw me and avoided me I knew then that she wanted nothing to do with me. I'm ok with that since that's her choice and I need to accept that. If she would have come talk to me I would have been civil and friendly. I'm not about to be a bitch about anything. I don't see the point.
Alex and Nancy soon showed up. I was really happy to see Alex. Nancy and I connected very quickly and talked about a lot of things. We shared the same opinions on certain things and it turned out to be quite nice talking to her. She's a very sweet girl.
Kristine and Kendra then showed up at the game. It was fine until the game was over and everyone went over to the dugouts. Alex and Nancy were leaving and I decided to leave as well to get some food and so my mom could take me grocery shopping. I walked up to Derik and Dan with Alex and Nancy and Kristine and Kendra were there talking to them. Kendra waved to me so I waved back. I didn't say hi, I didn't even aknowledge Kristine. I figure why pretend we're friends and there's nothing wrong between us. Let's face it, we are no longer friends. We have grown apart, we have diffrent interests, and we all have changed (such as be supposedly being a cold hearted bitch and if this is true, you should have confronted me). I have quite a few issues with all of that but I'm not going to go into detail on that subject. Just know there are reasons why I stopped hanging out with you. Mainly it was diffrent intrests and I felt like I no longer belonged in the little circle of friends.
There is only one person I would like to get my friendship back with. I take that back, there are two people. I'm not sure how I'm going to go about doing so or if I'm even going to try.
Like Megan said in here entry, maybe it's best to just move on. It has seemed to work lately. Though I do miss some of the fun times we shared together.
Though with one of those friends I was betrayed immensely. I honestly had no problem with it, however, it was still a betrayal none the less. Maybe I did the same thing to you but it was extremely diffrent in my case. Though maybe you don't see it in that way. But I know how you are so you might think it was the same exact thing.
I'm pretty it's over between us and we won't talk again, atleast not for a very long time. I tried to talk to you but you wouldn't have it. Maybe we should just give it up and not try it again. It obviously hasn't worked out in the past as well as we hoped it always would have, so why continue with the insanity.
In fact, it's to the point that all I see in our "friendship" is Drew and I. It was amazing, but as time passed and we changed, we grew apart and fought all the time. Then would get back together and end up breaking up again. We did that four times. If it hasn't worked out yet, it never will.
We all have changed too much. For those of you that can keep being friends, congragulations and good luck with that.
My dad always told me that you will go through many friends during your life and you'll end up with only a few good friends in the end. I don't think the last part is very true. I've had so many friends from moving and switching schools but I will never see any of them after that's over with. The friends I have had stick by me since I've lived in Michigan are quickly going away. I honestly don't have any good friends that I see all the time and share everything with. I now have one. This person is amazing and I know will be there for me regardless. Now that I think about it, two more people would do the same I'm sure. And one of those people I'm not even friends with now. I guess that does say something about the person.
Anyways, this entry is basically for me to get some things off my chest, somewhat apologize for being a bad friend, doing shitty things to you, and hopeing that you'll forgive me. I'm not asking for friendship, I just want forgivness. Or maybe even a phone call.
Moving on.
My dad had to come to troy last night to get my money for gas since I was driving on empty for a half hour or more. Luckily I had been with Kendra so many times when she had no gas I wasn't too worried. Just frusterated. I felt so aweful for having my dad leave his Fiance's house just go come give me some money because I'm a retard and can't get my lazy ass off the couch and get a job. He shouldn't have to be inconvenienced for my lack of responsibilty.
Most parents would yell at their kid and tell them to get a job, this and that. But all my dad could tell me was how much he loved me and how proud of me he is. Which made me feel even worse because I am not much to be proud of. I'm not finishing High School on time, I've fucked up a lot, I take advantage of my mom and dad when it comes to money. I lie to them, I hide things from them and I only see them when I need something for the most part. I'm 18, I should have a job and not mooch off my parents especially when my mom doesn't have a lot of money, my dad is trying to sell his house and plan a wedding. I should learn to take care of myself and pay for things on my own. And when it comes to my cigarettes and food and where I live, I feel even worse. I don't pay for anything. I should. I really should. And yet, even though I realize all of this, I still don't go out and find a job, I still just sit on my ass waiting for something to come along. I always have an excuse as to why I don't do something. Maybe I should just suck it up and do it.
I'm done.