109.2
This number digests me. I'm not sure what number I wanted to see on the scale at the gym this morning, but it was definitely lower than this. I ate a piece of bread yesterday, and even though I logically know this could not have kept me from losing weight, I believe that it actually made me gain weight. I haven't felt empty for days and I can't keep telling myself that it is okay to eat the amount of calories I'm eating every day. Nothing about this is okay, except losing weight of course. I am jumping out of my skin most of the day, telling myself over and over again how I fucked up again--how I didn't work out and how I ate one too many carrots. I am scared (actually terrified) of gaining weight, and I am even more afraid of not losing weight. I want to be 106 by the end of Thanksgiving weekend. That's 3 pounds that I feel like I will never lose. I want more than anything to reach 100. I can pretend to be happy, living life, everything I'm supposed to be, but I know that my ED is starting to affect my job, my whole life really. I know this and I care so much about it, AND I don't want to stop losing weight. I feel at any moment I could breakdown and gain weight, but I know I am stronger than this.