Fun HP Lists
104 Ways to Annoy, Harass, Confuse or Generally Scare Lord Voldemort
Sure-fire ways to get yourself killed, or at least Crucio'd round the block and back again
by Amanda Lack (stars_planets_clocks)
1. Ask him why he 'doesn't have such a cool scar?'
2. Laugh at him.
3. Wake him up by singing Beach Boys songs in his ear. 'Round, round, get around, I get around...'
4. Knit him things. Really hideous things.
5. Give him kangaroo-ears for a month.
6. Smile during Death Eater meetings and say you taught him everything he knows.
7. Chew bubblegum all the time. Should he address you, your only response will be a series of huge bubbles in quick succession, the last of which will burst everywhere and make a mess.
8. Dance the Funky Chicken.
9. Ask him when was the last time he took a bath.
10. Pat him on the head and give him flowers when his plans are foiled yet again.
11. If you ever need to say 'Like taking candy from a baby', be sure to add 'Of course, SOME of us might find that harder than others.' Stare pointedly at him.
12. Play 'knock-&-run' at his bedchamber door late at night.
13. Call him 'The-Man-Who-Let-the-Boy-Live.'
14. Ask why the Dark Mark couldn't look like something 'more socially acceptable?'
15. Insist that you have met chunks of cheese with more cunning plans than his.
16. Pinch him. Make sure he squeals.
17. Be cheerful.
18. When he tries to impress you with his powers, say 'Awwwww, lookit. Voldie's got a twiggle!'
19. Try to teach him to play a mouth organ.
20. Roll your eyes during plotting sessions and say things under your breath like 'You're the boss, boss' or 'It's your funeral.'
21. Greet him in the mornings with a sarcastic 'My sir, you look particularly menacing today.'
22. Taunt him about his middle name. 'Marvolo? What's that - a washing detergent?'
23. Keep a 'good-behaviour chart'. Award points and give out gold stars.
24. Magic-marker Potter-style glasses on him while he sleeps.
25. Apparate into and out of his room rapidly. Do this non-stop for an hour. *poof* there *poof* gone *poof* there...
26. Play cards with him. Tell him he has no poker-face and how does he expect to rule supreme without one?
27. Let off party-poppers in his face whenever the urge strikes you.
28. 'Did you even HAVE a girlfriend? Like, ever?'
29. Get a pair of finger puppets closely resembling himself and Harry Potter. Re-enact all of Harry's victories over him in a spectacularly childish way. Be sure to give them both squeaky voices.
30. Anytime he enters any room, insist on entering first and announcing him grandly.
31. In these announcements, fake a trumpet noise and give him an equally fake drumroll.
32. Exclaim sarcastically 'You're breakin' my little heart here, O Dark One' whenever he starts to talk of what caused him to become who he is.
33. Encourage him to 'think happy thoughts!'
34. Ask him to give you written summaries of his sinister plots for revenge and war. Correct his spelling.
35. Mock his choice of Quirrell as a 'host.'
36. Tell you think a yoga class could 'cure him of his wicked ways.'
37. Get the song 'Mr. Tambourine Man' stuck in his head.
38. If he's having evil-plotter's-block in one of his scheming sessions, 'Wingardium Leviosa' a light bulb to float above his head. Turn it on. Look offended when he gets angry and say you thought you were helping!
39. Tell him constantly to stop repressing his anger.
40. Buy him a stress ball.
41. Hint that he is only a character in a book and will never triumph.
42. Call him Tommy-boy.
43. If you're feeling gutsy, call him Voldie-poo.
44. Whack him in the arm and say 'mosquito' - every few minutes.
45. Say he 'looked better under the turban.'
46. Eat his pet snake. Offer him some.
47. Endeavour to teach him to steeple his fingers, lean back and say 'Eeeexcellent'.
48. Start drawing outlandish parallels between his life story and 'Star Wars'. Talk at great length.
49. Be generally in awe of him and never look away.
50. 'Imperio' his Death Eaters into a rousing chorus of 'All Things Bright And Beautiful.'
51. Shower him with confetti and rice, anytime you think he needs to make a 'grand entry.'
52. Paint all the Death Eater masks with bright colours and glitter.
53. Throw him a 'Carebears'-themed birthday party.
54. Tell him what Snape's really up to.
55. Politely exclaim now and again that you don't know how he can be so afraid of dear old Dumbles.
56. Sing 'California Dreamin' at the top of your lungs when he's trying to have an 'evil moment.'
57. Should you ever be eating with him - drum tunes with your cutlery, play with your food and blow bubbles in your chocolate milk.
58. Ask him to dance a polka with you.
59. Work cutesy phrases like 'pushing-up-daisies' and 'smooth-as-a-baby's-bottom' into conversation as much as possible.
60. Ask him if he's sure 'the whole evil-maniac-out-for-power-and-revenge thing isn't getting a bit old?'
61. Get him to play 'Twister' with you.
62. Tell him you know this great therapist in London....
63. Throw Tupperware parties. Insist he sit through them.
64. Tell him you've met plently of people more evil than he.
65. Hide his teddy bear. That ALWAYS makes him cry.
66. Get him a plant. Act mortally offended when he doesn't water it and it dies.
67. Steal, snap and bury his wand.
68. Tell him Lucius did it.
69. Give Rita Skeeter full knowledge of his whereabouts and contact details.
70. Remind him that he isn't even really alive.
71. Write him a theme song. Start singing it whenever he is about to do or say something particularly clever and nasty.
72. Offer to sacrifice Draco Malfoy 'to the cause.'
73. Insist on reading him bedtime stories. Include 'The Ugly Duckling.'
74. Make vague allusions to Harry Potter being his son.
75. When he's done something particularly nasty - cross your arms, waggle a finger and say 'Now now, do you really think Salazar would have approved of that?'
76. Ask him how he can possibly wish to harm a single hair on the head of 'that sweet, innocent, cute little boy.'
77. Tell him Wormtail has a crush on him.
78. Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with prophecy."
79. Leave disgusting and rotting dead things near him. Insist that it is 'Aromatherapy.'
80. Begin any question you ask him with 'Riddle me this!' Emphasis on Riddle.
81. Do not EVER act in the slightest way intimidated by him. Treat him as you would an eccentric aquaintance.
82. Cuddle him at random moments.
83. Sign him up for Little-League.
84. Ask him why he's afraid of a frail old man with a beard the size of a beehive and can't fight babies.
85. Throw biscuits at him. Constantly.
86. Tell him you think evil master plans of world domination are 'kind of girlie.'
87. Quote Argus Filch. Insist HE will one day rule the wizarding world.
88. Wonder aloud whether the name Voldemort commands as much respect as, say, Potter or Dumbledore.
89. Mimic everything he says in a sing-song voice.
90. Mimic everything he does with exaggerated limb-movements.
91. Write sonnets for him.
92. Insist he help you with the newspaper crossword every morning.
93. Follow a few paces behind him, spraying everything he touches with a can of disinfectant.
94. Tell people he's 'really just a big softie.'
95. Psychoanalyze him. Conclude that he is 'mildy depressed' and 'a bit of a control-freak.'
96. Mock his baldness.
97. Smile and say loudly 'Who loves you, Volders?' at inopportune moments. (Ie: another of his attempted 'evil moments')
98. Get him drunk.
99. Drag out a banjo at Death Eater revels and start playing 'Kumbayah.'
100. Let him catch you trying on Death Eater robes.
101. Be Harry Potter. Be alive.
102. As he's plotting dark deeds, pretend to cough and mutter things like 'Not gonna work, or 'stupid.'
103. Call him 'Champ' or 'Tiger.' Refer to yourself as 'Coach.'
104. Three words: Potter Puppet Pals.
---------------------
You Know You're Too Big of a Fan When...
You mutter nonsense Latin words under your breath.
You call your least favorite teacher Snape.
Your computer says "You've Got Mail" and you run outside looking for an owl.
You actually ask for a broom for Christmas.
You mutter "lumos" under your breath every time you turn on a flashlight.
You sort everyone you meet into the four Hogwarts houses (Gryffindor, Ravenclaw, Hufflepuff and Slytherin).
You were burned when you couldn't get through the flames of your fireplace.
You had to go to the hospital after you broke your nose running headfirst into the wall between platforms nine and ten.
The wand order mistake in GoF drove you crazy, and even after it was "corrected" you still came up with dozens of theories to explain why that happened.
You point at normal things like parking meters and say "Look at the things these Muggles dream up!"
You collect plugs.
You try on every piece of silvery fabric your mom has to see if you turn invisible.
Before getting up to get something, you always try to summon it first. Accio TV remote!
You watched "Love, Actually" because two minor Harry Potter actors were in it.
You were reduced to tears when you finally had Book 5 in your hands.
You refer to your Chemistry class as Potions.
You spend hours tapping bricks in special orders, hoping that a secret entrance to Diagon Alley will appear.
When playing chess, you yell orders to the chess players and get upset when they don't move.
You yell into the "fellytone."
You get emotional every time you hear "Hedwig's Theme".
You say "wicked" all the time because Rupert Grint does.
You get thoroughly overexcited every time you see a word somewhere that is distantly linked with HP (ie. Saint Hedwig's).
You name all of your pets after HP characters.
You get into heated arguments over how much gel Tom Felton had in his hair in the first two movies.
You know that Harry's birthday is July 31, 1980, Hermione's birthday is September 19, 1979 and Ron's birthday is March 1, 1980 even though it was never said in the books.
You refer to Voldemort as "You-Know-Who", and no one has any idea who you're talking about.
You went out and bought the latest editition of the Webster's Dictionary because they added the word "Muggle".
You were kicked out of the movie theater for standing on your chair, throwing your shoe at the screen and yelling "THAT DIDN'T HAPPEN IN THE BOOK!"
You count the days until you're old enough for your Apparation license, and everyone else thinks you're talking about driving.
Your free time on the computer is spent constantly refreshing your favorite Harry Potter news site (MuggleNet, of course), hoping for an update.
-------------------
103 Ways to Agitate Someone Who Doesn't Like Harry Potter
Guaranteed to tick them off!
Started by Yvette, and continued by countless fans!
This list may contain spoilers!
1. Relate everything they say to the Harry Potter books and/or movies.
2. Say they look like a Harry Potter character of the opposite gender.
3. Quote Dobby.
4. Hog the computer 24/7 while logged onto MuggleNet.
5. Read out loud to them whenever they can't get away from you (Example: When in a car or an elevator). If you don't have a book with you, recite from memory.
6. Give them Harry Potter merchandise for their birthday and Christmas and demand that they keep it and treasure it forever.
7. Rewrite their favorite song with Harry Potter lyrics and sing it constantly.
8. Crowd their inbox with Harry Potter related e-mail and make sure the subjects are misleading.
9. Start singing a Sorting Hat song at random moments, pretend to forget what comes next, and ask if they know in a very loud voice.
10. Make them play Quidditch with you.
11. Give all of their friends Harry Potter related nicknames and act mortally offended when they don't know the history of their character.
12. Change your name to that of a Harry Potter character and start screaming when they don't address you as such in public.
13. Always speak with a British accent - especially if you aren't from the UK.
14. Refer to real places by Harry Potter names.
15. ...throw a fit if others don't use these names.
16. Draw round glasses and lightning bolt scars on every poster and picture you come across...in permanent marker.
17. Give long lectures about how the prophecy relates to every day life.
18. Give every room in your house a Harry Potter codename. ( Example: The living room becomes the Entrance Hall) and whenever someone asks you where something is, use these names.
19. Change them immediately if they figure out what the names refer to.
20. Constantly ask if they can see the thestrals too.
21. ...refuse to explain what a thestral is.
22. Say, "Anything off the trolley, dear?" in a fake British accent when offering anyone food.
23. Pretend you can do magic.
24. Constantly rearrange their furniture and blame it on indecisive house-elves.
25. Yell "Get away from me, Death Eater!" whenever they get near you.
26. Constantly compare them to Mrs. Figg.
27. ...laugh evilly if they ask who Mrs. Figg is.
28. Complain loudly about how your pictures don't move.
29. Whenever you're asked for advice, reply with "Three turns should do it" in a very serious voice.
30. Break any awkward silences by saying, "How 'bout them Chudley Cannons?"
31. Tell a very long joke using a random Harry Potter quote as the punchline and then laugh hysterically.
32. ...make sure the joke isn't funny.
33. Use the titles "You-Know-Who" and "He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named" to refer to random people.
34. ... make sure no one knows who you're talking about.
35. Write letters to people (friends, neighbors...politicians) and ask them to join S.P.E.W.
36. ...hand fliers advertising it to random passerby.
37. Report Dumbledore's death to your local authorities.
38. Call them repeatedly asking if Percy Weasley is there and hang up before they can reply.
39. Pop up in place you're not supposed to be and insist that you were only trying to Apparate.
40. If you're late for something, blame it on your broken Time Turner.
41. Deck yourself out in all of your Harry Potter gear when you know you'll be going to a public place.
42. Walk past a wall over and over again, stopping randomly to bang on. When you receive weird stares, shout, "What?! I'm look for the Room of Requirement!"
43. Every time you see them, demand an explanation of why exactly they don't like Harry Potter.
44. If anyone tells you you'll go to hell for reading Harry Potter, either: a) jump and down and tell them that you can't wait; b) tell them you'll meet them there; c) sing "Weasley Is Our King" over and over again; or d) ask them to back up this claim with evidence, and laugh at them when they can't.
45. Play the soundtracks while they're stuck in your car.
46. ...add commentary. ( Oh, this is where they...)
47. When one of the movies is on TV, call to remind them.
48. ...every five minutes.
49. If they ask for your phone number, tell them it's 6-2-4-4-2.
50. Say "Alohomora!" everytime you open a door.
51. Sort every person you meet into one of the four Houses.
52. Follow them around while acting out a scene from the book doing very annoying voices for all the characters. Expect them to join in, and act offended when they don't.
53. Count down to some obscure Harry Potter event, whether it's Dumbledore's birthday, or when a Harry Potter DVD comes out. Keep saying: "87 (86, 85, etc.) more days!" in the middle of every conversation you have with your friend. Smile in a superior way when they ask what you're counting down to.
54. Start talking about a deceased Harry Potter character and suddenly burst into hysterical tears.
55. Refuse to be comforted.
56. Ask them to help you study for your O.W.L's and N.E.W.T's.
57. Knit them hats and insist that you're just trying to liberate them.
58. Talk to animals and insist that they're Animagi.
59. Treat them to lunch and then suddenly realize you can't pay for the meal since the restaurant doesn't accept Galleons, Sickles, or Knuts.
60. Run up to random men with long, dark hair and scream, "SIRIUS! I always knew you were alive!"
61. Point at modern electronic devices and loudly say, "Look at that! The things these Muggles come up with..."
62. Write letters to the editor of your local newspaper about the evils of our society ( Namely, Death Eaters and discrimination against friendly werewolves).
63. Send them numerous letters informing them that they have been selected to attend Hogwarts.
64. Carry around a shiny rock and proclaim that you possess the Sorcerer's Stone.
65. Say everything in a sing-song voice like Luna Lovegood.
66. End every converastion and/or letter with "Nitwit! Blubber! Oddment! Tweak!"
67. ...refuse to provide an explanation.
68. Tap all brick walls you encounter with an umbrella.
69. Say "Lumos" when turning on a light.
70. Point and grunt and insist that you're speaking Troll.
71. Refuse to wash your hair and explain that you're going for the Snape look.
72. Spend hours at a time trying to get your broom to fly.
73. Invite them over for the night and force them to watch the first three movies with you.
74. If they leave for any reason, restart the movie and tell them it's the Time Turner scene.
75. Shriek loudly and insist that you're speaking Mermish.
76. If you're asked to retrieve something, shout "Accio!" loudly.
77. ...when this doesn't work, throw a fit.
78. Demand to know what exactly the function of a rubber duck is.
79. Talk like Hagrid.
80. Point to garden gnomes and say, "Silly Muggles don't have a clue about what gnomes look like!" in a very loud voice.
81. Take them to a CD store and make them help you look for the newest Weird Sisters album.
82. Yell "Avada Kedavra" anytime they give the anti-HP lecture, then fake excruciating pain as your soul rips in two.
83. Write "Enemies of the Heir, BEWARE!" in red paint on their wall.
84. When confronted about the message, refuse to take responsibility and/or explain it further.
85. Hum Hedwig's Theme constantly and be sure to include any crescendos, decrescendos, accents, etc.
86. Petition to have Hedwig's Theme become the new National Anthem.
87. Wear all black and explain that you're in mourning over the death of "The Only One He Ever Feared."
88. ...when asked for am explanation of this cryptic title, cry hysterically.
89. Replace their entire movie collection with the Harry Potter films.
90. If they ask you about the weather, solemnly say, "Mars is bright tonight."
91. Print this out and use it as a checklist.
92. Insist that they subscribe for your new Harry Potter newsletter and when they say no, act like you've been seriously offended.
93. Potter Puppet Pals, anyone?
94. Knit them a maroon jumper every year - especially if maroon isn't their color.
95. When taking the stairs with them, stop and insist that you have to wait because the staircases are moving.
96. If someone turns off the lights, make a loud cracking sound and pretend to Apparate to the other side of the room.
97. Carry around a hip flask and refuse to drink anything anyone offers you.
98. Toss a small handful of fire and yell out, "Diagon Alley!"
99. If you go to a train station with them, loudly ask random people if they know where you can find Platform 9 3/4. Do this in an extremely fake British accent.
100. When your friend is checking sports scores, ask them if they can find out the score of the latest Quidditch match.
101. If they refuse, complain (loudly) that you missed the semi-final match between the Chudley Cannons and the Wimbourne Wasps and you need to know who will be advancing to the finals against the Tutshill Tornadoes.
102. At your next sleepover, draw a lightning-bolt scar on your forehead, and just as your friend is drifting off to sleep, grab your forehead and start screaming that you dreamed Voldemort killed your parents.
103. Fill a bowl with water and tie some tinsel to the end of your wand. Move the wand-tip from your temple to the bowl and pretend you're transferring your thoughts to a Pensieve, and ask not to be disturbed.
---------------
Top 20 Ways to Annoy the Snot out of H/Hr Shippers
H/Hr shippers beware!
by Kaity
This list may contain spoilers!
20. Brag about how you always knew Ron and Hermione were perfect for one another.
19. Constantly go to MuggleNet just to see if the Wall of Shame: Special Edition has been updated.
18. Show them the numerous times when evidence supported R/Hr any chance you get.
17. Talk a lot about one Emerson Spartz.
16. Mention Emerson.
15. Suggest grief counseling.
14. Constantly use the world "delusional."
13. Get into heated arguments about which hints were the "anvil-sized" ones.
12. Stay at least ten feet away from them at all times, as if afraid of some disease.
11. Invite Emerson to a thread of angry H/Hr Shippers so he can publicly humiliate them.
10. Compliment Emerson on his Wall of Shame: Special Edition.
9. Write your own Wall of Shame.
8. Write tons of R/HR fan fiction.
7. Read your list of anvil-sized hints to them over and over and over again.
6. Go to threads of angry Harmony shippers and laugh.
5. Use words such as "delusional" and "anvil-sized hints" on said threads.
4. Sing songs with lyrics changed to support R/Hr.
3. Imitate angry H/Hr Shippers.
2. Send them links to R/Hr fansites.
1. Be unprofessional, arrogant, unprofessional, insensitive, unprofessional, immature, inconsiderate, unprofessional, irresponsible, unprofessional, juvenile, unprofessional, tactless, and unprofessional. It wouldn't hurt to be the Wall of Shame caretaker and founder either. Nor would it hurt to be named Emerson.
-------------
15 Ways to Know You've Read HBP Too Many Times
Guaranteed to...er, prove your insanity?
By Janet Gilroy
This list may contain spoilers!
You need to stop reading HBP when you...
1. Are still wearing black in mourning.
2. Ask your parents if the death of anyone you know is listed in the Obituary.
3. ...don't explain yourself when they ask who died.
4. Repeatedly report to the police that you know where Snape is hiding.
5. Keep repeating under your breath "the locket... the cup... the snake... something of Gryffindor or Ravenclaw's..."
6. Practice nonverbal spells.
7. Draw an extremely detailed Marauder's Map and obsessively check it to see where Malfoy is.
8. Try to Apparate and insist that you just need to get the hang of it.
9. ...mutter the "three D's" under your breath while you practice.
10. Comment to people that you enjoyed Dumbledore's Army because it was like having friends.
11. Randomly yell, "He will only be gone from the school when none here are loyal to him!" during class.
12. ...refuse to explain what you mean/who you're talking about.
13. Fire arrows in tribute to Dumbledore.
14. Proudly tell anyone who will listen that you are Dumbledore's man/woman through and through.
15. Write up/read lists like this one.
---------
25 Ways to Tick Off a Harry Potter Fan
Guaranteed to..cause a few fights?
by Nicole (a non-HP fan), sent in by her friend Emily
1. In casual conversation, constantly ask "Now what was the name of that kid with the scar again?"
2. Anytime they bring up the books, close your ears and sing loudly - then tell them they're spoiling it for you (even if you have no intention of reading them).
3. Ask what "HP" stands for.
4. When they begin to theorize, bluntly say "I think Harry is in cahoots with voldemort and it's all just a huge publicity stunt."
5. Tell them you think the movies are better than the books.
6. Suggest they read the book on Spark Notes, because it's a lot faster.
7. Destroy any and all of their delusions that magic really exists and that they'll someday find Hogwarts.
8. Point and laugh unnecessarily loudly when they tell you how many times they've read each book.
9. Any time they mention JK Rowling, mention that you think she should just retire immediately.
10. Steal their wizard robes.
11. Was off their lightning bolt tattoo.
12. Steal the dust jacket to their books.
13. Ask to borrow one of the books and return it with scribbles and notes alluding to the death of Harry.
14. Pronounce all of the character's names wrong, no matter how easy they are or how many times you've been corrected.
15. Offer to edit their fan-fic, then re-write it to be about a delusional person who is convince a book about magic is real.
16. Go on and on about unrealistic all of it is.
17. Offer to mail a letter to Hogwarts, and really mail it to a shrink.
18. Draw mustaches on their Harry Potter posters.
19. When they start ranting and raving about the books/movies, say "That's nice!" in the same tone used to talk to a child.
20. Use logic to disprove all of the plot lines in the books.
21. Plant a snake in their room and laugh at their frustration when they can't communicate with it.
22. Write hate mail to JK Rowling, providing you friend's name and address.
23. Misquote the books as often as possible.
24. Try to convince them that Voldemort is really the good guy, and that the book is told from Harry's point of view - which is the only reason why he comes off looking good.
25. When they start to re-tell part of one of the books say "Oh, yeah - and remember when..." and then completely make something up.