You're Banned From My Pants!! Er... heart.
Getting over a horrific cold. I've been around Fran too much, and she had this awful cold that made me want to cry. Add in the fact that at home my Mom had the flu last week, and I was just asking for trouble. So I had to take a day and a half off of work due to a 101 temp, dizzy spells, and near fainting. Yeah- no good.
So I come to work today, and process over 200 lawsuits. Not one of my coworkers turned a head towards me in approval, just to commence a pissing contest of "Oh yeah? Well so-and-so did 300 and I did 500!" Wow. I thought those kind of games died with Recess.
Valentine's Day was tepid (mainly because I was sick). I made Kyami's day by bringing her and her mom roses after she told me her grandfather had emergency heart surgery that day (I could actually afford a DOZEN LIVE ROSES!!!), and then I went over to Amanda's, where she made us a hearty meal (steak, potato mashers, mac and cheesy-ness, and a HUGE garden salad- topped off with Pink Champagne).
Matt has pushed the line for the final time. He got very upset that I did not ditch the plans I had with my friends so that I would drink with him in a hotel room for his night off away from the firehouse. In my defense, I had plans with my friends for Valentine's Day for almost two weeks; Matt doesn't decide he's leaving the Firehouse for the night until he can't take anymore sleepless weeks. So, he throws a hissy fit, yells at me, and I get him back by calling him at midnight to say hi. He started to yell at me because I interrupted his night with another girl. HAHAHAHAHA. I laughed at him and told him to enjoy his night of whoredom and hung up. Because, see- with Matt, a night of "drinking" is never just a night of "drinking". There's always a little extra something in store for his guest.
He's upset at me for several reasons: 1- I won't agree to move in with him. 2- I don't drop everything to come see him.
Why don't I do these things? Because I don't trust him farther than I can throw him. His word is meaningless. He double-talks. He lies. He's crass. He's spoiled. He's selfish. He's arrogant.
So what does this all mean? I'm cutting him out of my life, completely. He's out of my phone book, out of my Buddy List, out of my pants. I feel stupid because I wanted to let him into my heart. Oh well.
And Bruce is following a similar path, too. He's been acting short and childish lately, which on top of his indecisiveness and "I don't knows" throws me over the edge. It's possible that my complaints to a mutual friend have slipped onto his ears, in which case- woops, and oh well. I made the mistake of letting him into my heart first, and now he's inescapable to me. What's worse is he knows how I feel about both him and his son, and he uses it against me to defend his indecisiveness ABOUT me. So he's very VERY close to getting tossed to the side.
Truth is: I'm not benefitting from either relationship, and I know it. I've stayed in them because I have been so damn scared to be available, so I've used Bruce and Matt as a security blanket for letting outsiders hurt me. When in fact, the security blanket is really smothering me.
Ugh... I want a relationship. It's so weird having all these people around me talk about husbands, boyfriends, lovers, blah blah blah, and I just can't seem to get my ac together about any of it. I'm petrified of dating, because I always get blinded by a first impression and then get smacked in the face by reality.
So I come to work today, and process over 200 lawsuits. Not one of my coworkers turned a head towards me in approval, just to commence a pissing contest of "Oh yeah? Well so-and-so did 300 and I did 500!" Wow. I thought those kind of games died with Recess.
Valentine's Day was tepid (mainly because I was sick). I made Kyami's day by bringing her and her mom roses after she told me her grandfather had emergency heart surgery that day (I could actually afford a DOZEN LIVE ROSES!!!), and then I went over to Amanda's, where she made us a hearty meal (steak, potato mashers, mac and cheesy-ness, and a HUGE garden salad- topped off with Pink Champagne).
Matt has pushed the line for the final time. He got very upset that I did not ditch the plans I had with my friends so that I would drink with him in a hotel room for his night off away from the firehouse. In my defense, I had plans with my friends for Valentine's Day for almost two weeks; Matt doesn't decide he's leaving the Firehouse for the night until he can't take anymore sleepless weeks. So, he throws a hissy fit, yells at me, and I get him back by calling him at midnight to say hi. He started to yell at me because I interrupted his night with another girl. HAHAHAHAHA. I laughed at him and told him to enjoy his night of whoredom and hung up. Because, see- with Matt, a night of "drinking" is never just a night of "drinking". There's always a little extra something in store for his guest.
He's upset at me for several reasons: 1- I won't agree to move in with him. 2- I don't drop everything to come see him.
Why don't I do these things? Because I don't trust him farther than I can throw him. His word is meaningless. He double-talks. He lies. He's crass. He's spoiled. He's selfish. He's arrogant.
So what does this all mean? I'm cutting him out of my life, completely. He's out of my phone book, out of my Buddy List, out of my pants. I feel stupid because I wanted to let him into my heart. Oh well.
And Bruce is following a similar path, too. He's been acting short and childish lately, which on top of his indecisiveness and "I don't knows" throws me over the edge. It's possible that my complaints to a mutual friend have slipped onto his ears, in which case- woops, and oh well. I made the mistake of letting him into my heart first, and now he's inescapable to me. What's worse is he knows how I feel about both him and his son, and he uses it against me to defend his indecisiveness ABOUT me. So he's very VERY close to getting tossed to the side.
Truth is: I'm not benefitting from either relationship, and I know it. I've stayed in them because I have been so damn scared to be available, so I've used Bruce and Matt as a security blanket for letting outsiders hurt me. When in fact, the security blanket is really smothering me.
Ugh... I want a relationship. It's so weird having all these people around me talk about husbands, boyfriends, lovers, blah blah blah, and I just can't seem to get my ac together about any of it. I'm petrified of dating, because I always get blinded by a first impression and then get smacked in the face by reality.